A/N here is the final chapter to this one. The follow up story will be coming shortly. I will probably take a couple weeks off from posting so that I can hopefully finish writing it and do some edits. Thanks to all who have read and commented :)
Epilogue:
Jack was sitting on the back deck nursing a beer, trying to not think about all of his problems, when he got the call. He was surprised to see Sam's name on the caller ID. She had just told him not to contact her for anything other than work, so he did not expect her to call him. For a moment, hope swelled in his chest that maybe she wanted to talk more and reconsider where they had left things. What she actually said though, was the last thing he expected to hear.
She told him that she had already spoken to General Hammond and was preparing to travel to San Diego. She promised to keep him informed of the arrangements. Jack felt numb at the news, how could this have happened? He had just seen her, just talked to her, and now...he can't even bring himself to finish that thought. He wonders if this is his fault. He knew he had said things, hurtful things. He thought about what Sam said, about there being some truth in what people say, even while intoxicated. Ronnie had said a lot of things, and he had shot her down, but then he had kissed her. Had he given her hope to fuel that wild talk? Was she thinking about that when it happened? Or was she thinking about this mess of a weekend? He has so many questions, and now he'll never get answers, no one will.
It was a grey rainy day, seems fitting Mark thinks to himself as he sits in a chair under a tent-like cover. It's been two weeks since he got the call. It took time to make all the arrangements and for everyone to make travel plans. Even his dad managed to pull himself away from whatever mission he was on. Sam had come out right away, she was a huge help, she took care of everything. Took care of the kids, received friends who came by with food and general well wishes, she even took the lead in making all the arrangements. Mark didn't have to do a thing, which suited him just fine, as he didn't feel like doing anything anyways.
He looks around at all the people gathered, it's a nice turn out. Several of Onica's friends came, ones that Mark has never met in person, only knew their names from stories his wife told him. He glances at the far edge of the crowd to where Jack O'Neill is standing. He travelled here with Mark's father, he briefly wonders how awkward of a trip that must have been given his recent break up with Sam.
Sam had not gone into details about the break up, but Mark got the distinct impression that things were not all that good between them. He actually feels kind of bad, he is the one who basically ordered Sam to end the relationship. Sam had also mentioned that Jack was the one who took Onica to the airport, he was the last one to see her. He wants to ask Jack about that, but given the obvious tension between him and Sam, he's a little afraid of what he might find out.
Of course, Sam won't tell him, she's barely speaking to him as it is. In fact, no one is really speaking to him these days, not even his kids. In fact, every conversation he has with anyone turns into an argument. Sam tells him to stop feeling sorry for himself, that he's not the only one dealing with this loss. His father tells him that he understands what he's going through, but Mark doesn't want to hear that. Yes, his own mother also died in a car accident, but this is different, no one can possibly understand what he's going through.
Mark is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't realize the service had ended. Now he has to return to his home and host a reception, but he would rather be alone. Maybe if he stays in his room people will leave sooner. He glances over to his kids, his daughter has her face buried in Sam's chest, and his son is with his grandfather.
After a moment longer, Mark gets up and goes and sits in his car. He can feel Sam's disapproving look boring into his back. He can't bring himself to care. Once he's situated in the back of the car, Mark reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a flask, and takes a drink. Another thing he's been doing more of lately that his family has complained about.
After what seems like forever, Sam, his dad, and the kids finally come to the car. He briefly wonders how Jack is getting around, Sam told him about what Onica did to his truck, and how he lost his license because he took the blame for her. He chuckles humorlessly to himself, the day before she died, Onica totaled two vehicles. There was no one to take the blame the night she died though. She ran a redlight, it was as simple as that. He wanted to blame the guy that killed her, but he couldn't, it was her fault. He wishes that no one else had died that night because of her. A teenager in the car that hit her died too. Why had she been so reckless? She ruined everything, she lied to him about so many things, she caused Sam and Jack's break up, and now she killed a child because she wasn't paying attention. He's so angry with her.
Mark is so angry when they get back to his house that he slams the car door and marches straight up to his room.
"He needs to get a hold of himself." Jacob says to Sam.
"I've told him that, he won't listen." Sam says, feeling irritated herself now.
Sam hears a car pull up and when she looks over, she sees a couple people, she can't remember their names, and Jack getting out. He met some old friends at the funeral and has spent time catching up with them. They had seemed surprised to see him there, Sam noticed. Even though she told him they could set aside their issues until after this trip, he's still been respectful of the conditions she laid out when they broke up. She feels a flutter in her stomach at seeing him. She misses him, she misses him a lot, but she can't dwell on that right now.
She turns back to the kids and her dad and they all walk in together, though she can't help but notice that Jack hangs back, allowing more distance between them.
Jack is only halfway paying attention to the conversation he's having with his old friends, Angela and Steven. He hasn't seen them in years, not since he and Ronnie broke up, well actually, he last saw Steve and Angela at his wedding to Sara. It's nice to see them, despite the circumstances, though he's also keeping an eye on Sam's whereabouts. He wants to make sure he doesn't get too close.
The flight here with Jacob was...interesting. He had expected Jacob to interrogate him, read him the riot act, give him the 'you hurt my daughter, I'll kill you and bring you back to life in a sarcophagus and kill you again ' speech. Surprisingly though, Jacob was rather sympathetic and kind.
Jack has also noticed that Mark has been nowhere to be seen. He's concerned about him. The one time he and Sam spoke at length, she told him that Mark has been secluding himself and yelling at everyone who comes within a few feet of him. She said the kids feel as though they've lost both parents.
Jack last saw Mark go out the backdoor, Sam hot on his heels. A few minutes later, Sam reentered the house, and whereas she looked calm, Jack could tell she was angry. No doubt she had another argument with Mark.
After most everyone leaves, Jack discreetly makes his way outside, he spots Mark in the gazebo and walks over slowly.
As Jack approaches, Mark says, "I told you to leave me alone Sam."
"Good thing I'm not her then." Jack replies.
Mark whips around and says, "Well I don't want to see you either."
"That's too bad, because I want to see you." Jack says.
"Why? Just leave me alone." Mark says through clenched teeth.
"I can't do that Mark." Jack replies.
"You know, Sam isn't out here, you don't have to come and try to make nice with me in an attempt to win her back." Mark sneers.
"That's not what I'm doing." Jack answers.
"Then why are you out here?" Mark questions.
Jack looks down for a moment, then he looks directly at Mark and says, "Because I know what you're going through."
"No you don't, no one does. No one can." Mark says, looking away, then adds, "Just go away, you can't possibly understand anything about this."
Jack takes a moment to consider his words, then says carefully, "I understand that you're angry."
"Of course I'm angry, my wife is dead and now I have to raise two children on my own. If she had been paying attention, none of this would be happening now." Mark shouts.
Jack stands there and calmly continues after Mark's outburst, "You're not angry at her." Mark goes to interrupt again but Jack starts speaking again before he can. "You're angry at yourself."
"No, this is her fault. You don't know what you're talking about." Mark scoffs.
"You're angry at yourself." Jack says again, then continues, "And you're thinking that if you had been there with her, then she might still be here with you. You're pushing away all of your friends and family, because subconsciously you want them to hate you. You think they should hate you because you hate yourself. Well I'm gonna tell you Mark, the further down this hole you go, the harder it'll be to get out. And if you push everyone away, there won't be anyone left to help you. It only gets darker and darker from here, and you don't want to be all alone when you hit the bottom, believe me."
Mark is silent for a moment, shocked and stutters, "How, how do you know all of that?"
"Because, I've been there and I did exactly what you're doing now. I secluded myself, I picked a fight with anyone who tried to talk to me, I drank too much, I ignored my wife, I even quit my job." Jack explains.
"What made you do all of that?" Mark asks.
"My son died." Jack says softly, then adds before Mark can ask, "He shot himself with my gun. I left it out on the dresser and left the room, I wasn't even gone five minutes. It was an accident, I know that now, but I still can't help but to think that if I had taken the time to lock it up, my son might still be alive."
Mark can't believe what he's hearing, what an awful story, then a thought suddenly occurs to him and he says, "It looks like you managed just fine."
Jack shakes his head and replies, "That's just it, Mark, I didn't."
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"I had no one to turn to, I thought that's how I wanted it, but I was wrong. I allowed that self hatred to consume me, and I sunk deeper and deeper into that dark hole, and I had no idea how to get out." He pauses to collect himself, it's not easy for him to talk about this, but Mark needs to hear it, "I tried to get out the only way I could think of, so I put a gun to my head."
Mark's eyes go wide and he asks carefully, "You clearly didn't do it, what stopped you?"
Jack smiles bitterly, "The Air Force came to my door and recruited me for a suicide mission, that seemed like as good a way to go as any. I can't go into details but, I was willing to kill myself on the mission, along with the entire team that accompanied me."
"Wow, that's pretty bad." Mark states.
"Yeah, obviously that didn't happen and by the end of the mission I actually felt better. Until I got home and found my wife had left me, the divorce papers were sitting on the counter." Jack pauses, then continues, "I had nothing left, so I made the attempt."
Mark's eyes go wide again and asks disbelivingly, "You actually tried to kill yourself?"
Jack just nods and says, "But that's a story for another day, one I've never told anyone, not even Sam."
"Why are you telling me then?" Mark asks, confused.
"Because, I don't want the same thing to happen to you. You have two kids that need you Mark, a sister and father that love you, you don't want to lose them." Jack tells him.
Mark drops to his knees and sobs, "It's all my fault, she's gone because of me."
Jack kneels down and pulls Mark into a hug and lets him cry on his shoulder. Jack is fighting back his own tears, it's not easy talking about all these things, in fact, he tries not to. He tries to not even think about any of this, about how far he allowed himself to fall. As hard as he tries to stop them, the tears fall and he chokes out, "It's not your fault Mark, it's no one's fault."
"I don't know what to do." Mark cries, pulling on Jack's shirt.
"Hug your kids, let Sam and Jacob be there for you, they lost her too, let them grieve with you." Jack says, then pulls back and looks Mark in the eye, "And call me if you ever want to talk."
Jack pulls Mark back up against him, both men now have tears freely falling. Mark for the loss of his wife. Jack for the emotions of sharing such intimate details about his son and the aftermath, and for his break up with Sam, and for Ronnie.
As they sit there crying together, Jack knows that Mark will be alright, and so will he, all in time.
