5.
Abigail woke up out of breath, a cold sweat rolling from her temple. Once she regained her bearings and shook herself a few times, she stood up, pulling down her sleep shirt and headed into the bathroom. She ran the water from the faucet and put the small cup under it before shutting it off and drinking down the semi-cold water.
It had been a week since she moved back to California and every night, she was dealing with the same night terror, but tonight it felt too real. She could feel the heat radiating off her body as she peeled her clothes off and stepped into her shower. The adrenaline from the dream continued to course through her body as she let the cold water relax her once it hit her body.
The knock on her bathroom door was a welcome, yet startling distraction as she pulled her dark grey curtain closed. "Yea?" She called out.
Steve pushed the door open a few inches, not looking inside of course, he was good with privacy. "You ok, thought I heard screaming…" He said, his voice unsure.
"Yea, just a dream. I'm ok, sorry if I woke you up,"
"No, you didn't, I was downstairs still streaming," He mentioned, and Abigail hung her head under the spray more. Great, people on his stream probably heard her screaming.
"I'm really good, just going to shrug it off and get some more sleep," Abigail said and wiped her face and shut off the faucet.
"Alright, let me know if you need anything,"
"Thanks Steve," She whispered as he shut the door for her to get out from the tub to dry off.
Swallowing hard, Abigail scrubbed the water from her tan skin and peeked out to see her bedroom door closed now so she walked out and went into her closet to put on different night clothes. Her bed was calling her back to it, but she could not sleep after the night terrors because it would be an endless pit of darkness with the flames.
So, she decided to boot up her computer instead and grabbed her water canister on her dresser. Sitting down, she pulled her leg up under her to sit and clicked through some emails in the dark. She was hoping for her mysterious CH friend to comment on one of her many late-night posts about how she was feeling over the past week, but no luck. He was no where to be found since she offered her private messages to him. Maybe she overstepped and scared him off, it would not be the first time someone feared her.
"Damn," Abigail whispered to herself and chewed on the skin against her chipped black painted thumb nail.
She could not talk to Steve; he was still streaming, and he had an audience to please. Her life problems had to wait for now, maybe she would buy him breakfast in the morning and tell him what was going on. He knew something was up with her, this was the third time this week she was up taking a shower after midnight after going to sleep.
Opening her word processor, she started to type out how she was feeling instead.
"Hello bright screen in my dark room, sometimes I think you're the only one who understands me or listens. You are the only thing I can tell how I truly feel too. It is fucked up, you're a computer and I'm desperate for attention (or so they say). I just wish someone would talk back, tell me that my feelings are valid, and I am not going crazy. That I am not living in some sort of constant insomnia driven nightmare.
Since moving back home, I have been having the same night terror every single night. Tonight, it felt real. It felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was there in the flames with them. I could hear their screams; I could smell their flesh as it burned. Maybe I'm having this nightmare because I'm home and I'm so close to where it all happened. I've been gone for so many years it was hard to think about and now I'm forced to face it head on.
I've left the house twice since being back, my anxiety has started to control my life again. I'm worried people will recognize me at the store, or even out for a walk. I don't want someone to see me, to know who I am, to know why I ran away the minute I got the opportunity. I don't want the pity, or the sympathy from strangers, it's all bullshit. Yea, people were sorry for a 16-year-old girl who lost her whole family, but now that I'm 21, I should have gotten over it by now.
Anyways, here I am fighting with my demons at 2 am. I'm just trying to seem normal on the outside, but I think my roommate is seeing that I'm not ok again. Last time that happened, he made he see an overpriced therapist. I don't want to do this all over again.
Goodnight – AS"
Abigail pressed post and sat back, taking a long drink from her water and then chewed on her bottom lip. She stared at her computer screen for a few more minutes before turning her head to look at her bed. She had to sleep or lay there and try to get bored enough she'd fall asleep.
But as she was about to turn her screen off, the new email sound popped up through her speakers making her stop and sit back down on her leg.
"Taking you up on that offer of a private message, I'm dealing with night terrors too – CH"
Abigail stared at the message and chewed on her bottom lip looking at the private message. She thought they had left her, that she was too fucked up to talk to again.
"They're the worst, aren't they?" Abigail started to type but then deleted it then started typing again…
"Feels like constantly living in a nightmare, right? Like sometimes you don't know if you're awake… - AS"
Abigail chewed on her bottom lip not sure if this person would message her back, but she saw the little bubbles pop up indicating that they were online and typing.
"Yea, childhood trauma really fucks you up doesn't it? I'm in my twenties too, dealing with the same shit. On top of that my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia this week and that medication isn't the best, everything is sort of just fucking with my head now… -CH"
"I'm sorry you're dealing with that on top of the crippling anxiety and depression, life's not fair… -AS"
"Don't be sorry for me, everyone has got their demons, right? I'm dealing with it. Did you really move back home because of what I wrote to you that one night? -CH"
Abigail couldn't help but smirk.
"I mean it was a bit of a mix of everything going on at the time. I didn't have any friends where I was; the friends I had were fake as fuck and I was dealing with the same shit every single day. My boss was a creep and my friend back home wanted me to move in with him, then I saw your message about living every day like if it were the last and well… here I am across the country -AS"
"Wow, shit. That's crazy. -CH"
"Yea well I am a little clinically insane too -AS"
"Alright I shouldn't have laughed but I did -CH"
"Don't worry, so did I -AS" Abigail watched the chat, not seeing any bubbles showing up on their end so she continued.
"So, yea, I'm going to dry and get some sleep now, maybe now that I've talked to someone about it, I can get it out of my system and get some decent sleep. I have some important stuff going on tomorrow afternoon and I really don't want to be a mess for it. Thank you for listening and responding. Anytime you want to talk just send me a pm, my job is working online so I'll always be on my computer -AS"
"Thanks, I appreciate that and good luck tomorrow with whatever you have going on. You'll kill it. Goodnight – CH"
Abigail looked at the message they sent, it making her smile from the corner of her lips before she shut down her computer and climbed back into her bed, flipping her tv on for some background white noise as she finally relaxed and fell asleep.
