Healing
NCIS: Los Angeles
A/N: Thanks so much for continuing to read this story. It feels so great to be able to write again.
T/W: mentions of self harm (not graphic but best to mention), domestic violence (again, not graphic but best to mention) depression, PTSD, anxiety and once again scenes from Descent (4x24) and Ascension (5x01)
"It's getting bad again, isn't it?"
Yes, Deeks thought, it is. But he shrugged it off, breaking eye contact with her.
"Babe," Kensi said, moving slowly towards him. She took his hands, looking down at them then looking back up at him, "You can talk to me."
Deeks looked down again, breaking eye contact again for a split second before looking back up, a smile painted on his face as if nothing was wrong and nothing had ever been wrong.
"I'm fine, Kens," he said, hoping that by saying the words out loud they would be put into action by some higher power. At this point - he really didn't care which one, he just wanted to be okay. He had to be okay.
"You need to tell me if it gets bad again, Deeks," she said, continuing to look at him. She knew he was lying - her opening statement was an observation rather than a question. She noticed how he wasn't sleeping, how he was saying less and less after work, physically and mentally drained from having to put up a façade in front of his co-workers so that he was the character of Detective Deeks.
But while Detective Deeks great and can be a distraction, she could see the cracks on the surface. Detective Deeks had to be good for the team, but her Deeks, her Marty, was broken. And all she wanted to do was fix it.
More importantly, she didn't want to fail him like she felt she failed Jack.
But Deeks knew that. He knew that this was not just her caring but also a redemption arc. He kissed her cheek, as if providing extra reassurance that he could portray Detective Deeks a little longer. At least long enough to dilute the current pain and frustration levels into something more manageable.
"Coffee's in the pot," he said once he pulled away, heading to the bathroom to compose himself before he lost it completely. Once he left, Kensi sighed, pouring a cup for her and one for him. She went out to the patio, taking in the warm Los Angeles air. Staring into the distance, she contemplated what she could possibly do, if she could possibly do anything to help. She knew it was coming to that time of year. All the bad guys they've faced, everything Deeks had been through in his life, as the team's Detective or her Marty, they could all be brushed under the rug. But there was something about that case.
Kensi didn't know exactly what went down in that warehouse. But she got a good visual when she found him. When she saw the fear in his eyes when the paramedics wanted to examine him. When he couldn't even look at her, even when she was trying to help him. The glazed over look on his eyes as he filled out the after action report. The blood. So much blood.
Once Nate and the doctors gave him the all clear, he was okay for 6 months. Nightmares, yes. But they faded as the trauma became older, becoming less and less common. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell anything at all was wrong. But psychologically, little things would tick him off. Sitting in one place for too long without being able to get up or see new surroundings. Noises in his own home from the television that he perhaps wasn't expecting. The smell of damp coming from Monty when he had been out in the rain, no longer comforting but instead a reminder of the long road to recovery which he was still following, desperately trying to reach the end. Although he had made leaps and bounds, his pace had slowed over the years and the road appeared to be getting longer and longer. An endgame which was once attainable now seemed so far out of reach that it was almost non-existent.
All Kensi wanted to do was help. All she ever wanted to do was help. The guys could laugh and joke but Kensi knew all too well with Jack what post-traumatic stress did to a person. Or, at least she thought she did.
In Jack, he became a different person. He became violent, initially towards inanimate objects. But slowly, Jack morphed into something even Kensi didn't recognise. He would lash out, unpredictably, which was the scariest part of it all for both of them to the point where Kensi developed her own trauma and anxiety towards her current living situation.
So she left. And mentally, when Deeks became bad the first time she had prepared to leave again if and when the time came. She knew it would be hard, possibly impossible, but if Deeks became violent the way that Jack did she would have to consider her own safety and sanity. Which is incredibly difficult when you love someone. Trying to value your life more than theirs to the point you would be willing to leave them when they are at their worst is a concept no one should have to face. But things don't always pan out the way that you think they are going to. Despite the mental preparation and torment Kensi went through, planning her moves meticulously so that when the time came she was in a scenario she had unfortunately planned for in advance, she never had to act upon the blueprint. Deeks never became violent towards her.
He became violent towards himself.
Which, for Kensi, was harder to stomach than Jack ever being violent towards her. It was something that she was never meant to find out about. Something that was his secret, his battle alone to face. But with a federal agent as a girlfriend, she was trained to sniff out any inconsistencies or suspicions in her day to day life. From the moment she found out exactly what Deeks was doing, what her Marty was doing - she felt the need to help him before he caused irreparable damage.
But Deeks didn't want anyone to know - and Kensi knew she had to respect that until he became a danger to himself. It was hard to determine whether or not he had already crossed that line, but at present she came to the conclusion that as long as she was watching him and that they were living together, she would look out for any signs. And he promised that if it got bad again, he would tell her.
But, what was the definition of it getting bad again? Insomnia? Thoughts of self hatred? Debilitating panic attacks brought on by the smallest stimulus? Complete shut down because of the whirlwind of emotions sending the brain into overdrive, overwhelming the body physically and mentally? Deeks would have his threshold set high. If he was to admit it was bad again, then it was really bad.
The worst part is - would he admit how bad it was before it was too late?
A/N - thank you so much for reading. Reviews much appreciated as they help me to improve my style and content. I will write lighter fics in the future but for now its the harder hitting stuff. Chapter 3 pending.
Also I've just watched Season 12 Episode 5 - what a cliff hanger! Need episode 6 stat!
