On The Rocks by Rocker H

SUMMARY:What happened between the Kira blowout and Ken and Dave's cleverly prearranged rendezvous at Huggy's at the end of "Starsky VS Hutch." (Season 4)

CATEGORY: Starsky and Hutch

GENRE: police procedural/ friendship

RATED: PG-13

WORD COUNT: 4538

Detective Sergeant Ken Hutchinson shifted uncomfortably on his couch. It was no use, he just could not settle down. Reading was out of the question, sleep was definitely not coming, and there was nothing on the television that could adequately distract him. Gazing around his apartment he was mildly appalled by all the liquor related detritus that had accumulated over the last week or so.

Hutch's life had taken a precipitous downturn over the last several months. It wasn't just one thing, and it really wasn't even something he could put his finger on, but he did know that his best friend and partner, David Starsky, had born the lion's share of his anger and frustration. The Me and Thee theme that had kept their lives in balance for the last seven years was in dire straits and he was solely to blame. His last imbecilic action may have been final straw that broke the back of his professional partnership and seven year friendship with Dave. The thought of this was like a wolf gnawing at his insides. How could he have been so low down and stupid to have slept with a woman that he knew Starsk had feelings for?

Searching through a pile of clothes, mail and newspapers Ken rooted out his telephone. Calling Starsky's number was so natural to him that the phone was ringing before he even realized he had dialed. "I'll give him three rings to pick up," Hutch reasoned with himself. "That way I can, in good conscience, say I made the effort." Following the third empty ring, he hung up. " I don't even know what I would say to him," he muttered sulkily.

There, in a nutshell, was the the problem.

Their partnership was in trouble before Kira entered the picture. For months, Ken found himself snapping at David for no reason and deliberately zeroing in on his partner's vulnerable spots for all out verbal assaults. David would take his abuse with a smile. He would take almost anything from Hutch, but not this frat boy act of betrayal.

The metallic ring of the phone snapped Hutch out of his reverie. " Yeah," he answered rudely.

"You just called," this was a statement , not a question. "Terrific, we're gotta talk," the familiar East coast voice of David Starsky directed. "The where is your place, and the when is now."

Closing his bloodshot eyes, and rubbing his hand across his forehead, as if trying to erase his headache, Hutch sighed into the receiver. "I'm not feeling too great right now. Let me call you back later."

" I knew you would try that, too bad, I'm on my way. Order a pizza and make it an extra large, it's gonna be a long night, partner. I'll bring the beer. "

"Starsk! Didn't you hear what I said? I can't do this now. I'll call you back later," Hutchinson snapped.

"Yeah, I heard you, partner. But tonight we are doing things my way. You owe me that much. Make it pepperoni with pineapple and anchovies and I will pick it up on my way over. Buh-Bye."

That was fair. Hutch did owe Starsky that much. Truth be told, he owed him a whole lot more. Dragging himself off the sofa, Ken stood up and surveyed the damage. If leaving his home in its current state of dereliction would tell Starsky how he was feeling about himself, he would do it. But Hutch knew Starsk would take it all in stride or make a lame joke about a party to which he was not invited. So, he scooped up the laundry and dumped it into a basket, gathered up all the empty cans and bottles for a trip to the dumpster, and tossed the unopened mail into the trash.

After putting in a quick call to Mario's for the pizza, minus the anchovies, Hutch took time to assess his personal appearance. How long had it actually been since he shaved or changed his clothes? Hard to say. The mustache needed a serious trim and a shower would not be remiss either. It really had been a rough week and he was showing every minute of it.

Across town, David Starsky shifted the tomato red Torino into gear and headed for the highway that would take him to Ken's Venice apartment. The drive was virtually automatic. It was a good thing too, because Starsky's mind was not on his driving skills. His relationship with Hutch was on the rocks, and that scared the hell out of him. Ken Hutchinson was the single most important person in his life and it seemed Hutch was ready to toss their friendship away without ever telling him why. Starsky didn't know what he could or would do, if Hutch decided to ditch him. He didn't want to even think about it.

The week since their row over Kira seemed interminable. The case had been successfully wrapped up, but there was no sense of accomplishment. It was all David could do to sit across from Ken in the squad room and pretend that everything was cool. He needed some answers! He needed to know what was happening to his friend! It was now or never, and David was not leaving Hutch's apartment until this matter was sorted.

Deftly balancing the beer and pizza, while reaching over the door for the familiar key, David worked on letting himself into Ken's apartment. In his mind ran a flashback of the hundreds of times he had previously entered his partner's home. There were plenty of good times and plenty of dark times, but never did he see a time like this coming. Putting on his best flashy, undercover smile, Dave called out as he stepped across the threshold, "Ollie,Ollie in come free! Come out, come out where ever you are you big, blonde blintz."

As if on cue, Hutch emerged from the bathroom clad in an orange bathrobe, and towel-drying his hair. He looked terrible, even worse than earlier that day at work. His wet, blonde hair was plastered to his scalp and the black circles under his eyes were indicative of the week he had experienced. He just looked played out.

" You needn't have showered on my account. By the way, you look terrible." teased Starsk.

Hutch made a disgruntled face and mumbled, "Don't feel so special, I did it because my house plants were starting to die, and thank you."

"You're welcome," Starsky rejoined. "Here, take a beer and go get dressed. I'll warm up the pizza." David tossed Hutch a beer and made himself at home in the kitchen. "Hey! They forgot the anchovies!"

A tired voice from the bedroom answered, "No they didn't. I couldn't handle anchovies tonight, so I didn't order them. You have a problem with that?" "Damn," Ken chided himself. "Hutchinson why do you have to be such a jerk?"

"I don't have a problem with that, but now that you mention…" Starsky brought himself up short. He would not start this evening out with an argument.

Ken wandered out of the bedroom and flopped despondently on the couch. The two men stared through the empty space between them. "I'm sorry, Starsk, I didn't mean that the way it came out."

"Neither did I. I guess we are both a little skittish tonight." David answered contritely. He continued his kitchen chores without looking at Hutch. "Hey, you got any lettuce? I'll make us a salad while the pizza warms up."

"Yeah," Hutch replied. "Second shelf in the fridge, behind the beer. Didn't know you knew what lettuce was."

"Hmmm… I am a man of many mysteries and hidden talents, sweetheart!" Starsky added in his best Bogart voice. Then without missing a beat, Starsk's face went soft and he continued, "Apparently, what I am not, these days, is a mind reader, Hutch. You're my pal. What is eating at you? What is going on with us?"

Hutch bristled. He really was not ready for this conversation. "Nothing! We are fine, I am fine. Everything is fine. I am just really played out. You coming over tonight was a bad idea, maybe we should take a rain check."

Gingerly pulling the hot pizza out of the oven, David continued, "Nuthin' doing. I am here until we get some things figured out. I may not be a college graduate, as someone I care very, very, very much about likes to remind me, but I do know when something is eating that someone up inside. You might as well settle in, 'cause I ain't goin' anywhere, turkey. Now get over here and let's eat. I'm starvin'."

Hutch hauled himself off the sofa and headed to the table. Even knowing Starsky for over seven years years, it still amazed him that the man could still eat like an eighteen year old and never gain a single pound. "Are you here because of the Kira thing, Starsk? 'Cause if you are, you know I already apologized. That was so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin…" Hutch may have been apologizing, but he sounded anything but apologetic.

" The "Kira Thing," as you call it, was just the tipping point," Starsky spoke quietly. "but something was weighing you down for weeks before that and its only gotten worse. I just want to help. It's "who do we trust time"? And I hope the answer is still Me and Thee."

There it was; the mantra that had seen these two men through seven years of danger, death and heartbreak. Only now it felt, to Hutch, like Starsky had pierced him with a razor thin stiletto. "Yeah well…I AM sorry."

"To quote my mother, "sorry don't feed the bulldog." Nothing you can do or say can change the fact that you deliberately slept with a woman you knew I had feelings for! And for what? It was a lousy thing to do! But… that is not why I fought Friday night traffic to come over here tonight. I can forgive you that. You did me a backhanded favor with her, anyway. Kira is playing us both for idiots and we need to set that right….but first things first. We need to set us right."

Hutch looked up from his dinner, a forkful of salad halfway to his mouth, "You can forgive me?" he asked incredulously.

"Well sure, dummy. I won't recommend you trying it again, but yeah," Starsk replied with a glint of menace in his blueberry colored eyes.

A wave of relief washed across Ken's face, " A lesser man would have cleaned my clock, you know that, right?"

Starsky eyed Ken up squarely, and stealing a swig from Hutch's beer, contemplated his answer. Finally he began, " Don't let this boyish smile fool ya. I have come awfully close to decking you a few times lately. I know something has upset the Hutchinson applecart, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. I figured, when the time was right, you would tell me. Maybe its my fault for not knowing, maybe its your fault for not telling, maybe its nobody's fault because we are just human, but regardless I am here for you now."

"Dammit Starsk! Quit being so noble and rational! I deliberately launched attacks on every soft spot you have. I wanted to make you as miserable as I was!"

"I know. But, I have done my homework for seven years, and if there is anything I have learned about you, Hutchinson, it's that no one, and I mean no one, is as hard on you as you. If you were trying so bad to rile me up, I knew you had to be in a dark place. What good could I do punching your lights out? It would be like doing you a favor, at that point. Which brings us back to my original question…what the hell is going on in that very blonde head of yours? You might as well spill it. I know all the cool interrogation techniques, you know," David ended with a wink.

Hutch stared back. He did have a lot he wanted to get off his chest, but he couldn't find a way to begin. So, he obfuscated, "It's nothing. Just tired. Probably need a long vacation or something."

"Or something… I've got all night, partner."

Hutch took a deep breath and eyed his friend up curiously, "You really want to know?"

"Dammit Hutch, of course I want to know. Because all I know right now is that you are miserable. You are my favorite human, and I can't try to help if I don't know what is bothering you."

"People really underestimate you, you know that, Starsk, I guess I am responsible for that, in a…,"

David cut him off immediately, "You are not responsible for what people think of me! Quit trying to take credit for everything, will ya?"

Somewhat taken aback, Ken continued, "What I mean, is sometimes only you and I know just how smart you really are. We have worked our schtick seamlessly for so long, people rarely get to see how good you really are," Hutch added with unfeigned admiration as he reached out to touch Starsky's shoulder.

Starsky gave Ken a shrug, "I am not who we are here to discuss. And besides the people that need to know, know. Look, we are like two little gears in the giant wheel of Justice," he laughed. "For the big wheel to turn, we, little gears, have to do our jobs, what ever it is, how ever we have to make it work. Our brains and braun act usually works, so why mess with it? However, tonight I am not here as your partner. I am here as your friend."

"I know you are," Hutch quietly admitted. "The thing is I don't even know exactly what my problem is, much less how to tell you about it. But you have to know it is nothing you have done."

Starsky looked earnestly at his friend, "Yeah, I knew that. But that don't change how miserable you are. Last time, Hutch. Tell me what's happening or …"

"Or what?" Ken followed, with a hint of frustration leaking through.

"…Or nothing," David shrugged. "You're my pal Hutch, what am I going to do? Beat a confession out of you?" Starsky got up from the table, and it was his turn to flop on the sofa. "On the other hand, like I said, I ain't goin' anywhere."

"You mean that don't you? I have been on enough stakeouts with you to read that face," Hutch said with his first sign of a smile all evening. Then, tossing a beer to his partner, he looked David straight in the eye.

"Starsk, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing what we do. It's like I am angry and scared all the time." he blurted almost involuntarily. "I was sure when we quit the force after Lionel was murdered, that would be the end of it. I hated going out that way, but it was almost a relief." There! He had finally put words to what had been chewing up his soul.

"A relief?" mused Starsky. "We were shot at every time we stepped out of the house, or have you forgotten? Our life on the outside was every bit as dangerous as being a cop, and all we had then was Me and Thee, no…"

Hutch's temper flared as he felt that stiletto pierce his heart again, "God Starsky, stop with that Me and Thee crap, would ya!" He hated himself the second the words left his mouth.

Starsky felt like he had been gut shot. He stared in total bewilderment at the man he loved more than a brother, unable to take in what he had just heard. To David, the words "Me and Thee" had morphed from an inside joke to a solemn oath. He had always believed Hutch felt the same.

The look in Starsky's eyes spoke volumes and Hutch knew he had delivered a crippling blow to his buddy. "Oh God… That's not what I meant…," he pleaded.

Recovering, Starsky's face contorted, and he growled, "Really? Seemed pretty clear to me. Let me recap…Me and Thee is a load of crap. The sense of trust that got us through hell over the last seven years is hogwash! That about sums up what we've covered tonight, right? If there is anything I have missed, please fill me in."

Hutch sucked in a long deep breath. His blue eyes shifted miserably around the room as he exhaled. "No, you are right. That is exactly what I said. But dammit, Starsk, that is NOT what I mean. I told you I couldn't put how I am feeling into words! I am so messed up right now…our Me and Thee mantra just sounds like a curse to me." Seeing Starsky getting his hackles back up, he speedily continued. "What if something happens to you, because my head is somewhere else? It nearly happened before, you know, in that alley shootout just before Gillian died. You asked me to cover you, and I froze like a damned rookie. You could have been killed and it would have been my fault. Same thing with Lionel. I distracted you and our friend died. People all around us die all the time. I can't justify that any more."

"There you are taking credit again for what neither one of us could control. Yeah, I could have been shot, so could you. We are cops! Damn good ones too. It comes with the territory. With Lionel, you didn't distract me, you were blown up! That creep psycho, Soldier, was responsible for Lionel's death, not you, not me!

"That is only two incidents outta dozens!" Hutch exploded. " As long as I have this damned badge, people around me are going to die. Where ever we are, people die. Doesn't that fact ever bother you? 'Cause lately, it sure bothers me. What if one of those people is …?" he broke off and looked helplessly at his friend

"What if one of those people is me?" David finished the sentence. Locking eyes with his partner, he continued. "Hutch, we work and live in the same world, remember? This stuff has taken up permanent residence in my brain too! You usually have your way of dealing with it, I have mine. Nobody gets out of here alive and most of us can't pick the where, when or how we leave. We all have to work with that fear the best way we can. Your way is to rant, rave, brood, and pick on your favorite partner. I get that. Why do you think I let your abuse roll off of me so easily ? You are the best friend I have in the world! I know it is your way of dealing with fear. I don't have to remind you how Terri's death upended me. I was ready to check out permanently after that. You helped me a lot then, and I got some professional help besides. With that help, I have learned to admit, everyday, that dying in the line of duty is a real possibility and then push myself forward like it's not. I have to keep reminding myself everyday that I have the courage to go on. Some days are easier than others, and it still requires some doing. But, at the end of the day I can look at myself square in the mirror for having the guts to make it through another day." Starsky looked a little sheepish for divulging his hard won way of dealing with the fear in his life. Releasing his deepest thoughts and feelings have never been something he felt comfortable about, even with Hutch.

Hutch looked at Starsky as if seeing him for the first time. "I didn't know any of that, Starsk," he said softly.

Surreptitiously, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his worn blue hoodie, Starsky got up and wandered back to the kitchen. "Yeah, well…," he trailed off embarrassed. "But, enough about me, what about you?"

"Yeah, Hutchinson, what about you?" Hutch mumbled to himself. Then a bit louder he addressed Starsky, "I know we all have to face our fears in our own way, but what has always worked for me, isn't working any more. I guess that is what messing me up. I was so smug and thought I had all the answers. "

"No you didn't, Hutch. I noticed months ago that you had lost some of that golden boy glow,… that some of your swagger was fading. But when you doubled down on trying to drive me away with Kira, I knew I had to do something."

"You never said anything," Hutch countered.

"Time was, I wouldn't have had to say anything. How long have we known each other? Let me answer that, we have known each other long enough for me to know that I can't get anything from thee until you are ready to open the Hutchinson vault. Well, I think we have finally cracked the safe tonight."

"Oh, I see what you did there," Hutch responded with a touch of his old friendly sarcasm. "What have we found in that vault?" He looked across the room at Starsk who was polishing off the last piece of pizza.

"We have found the reason behind your recent uncharacteristically low down and despicable behavior towards the best friend and partner one could ever hope to have!" Starsky announced triumphantly.

"Great, Dr. Sigmund Starsky. You mind sharing your discovery?"

"I think it would be better if you told me, Hutch."

"Oh terrific." Then gathering up some courage he admitted, "I have been treating you like dirt, because all the sudden I am afraid of people close to me dying. OK? I thought if I made you angry enough, if I hurt you enough, you would ask Dobey for a new partner. Then if something happened to you…"

"Then it wouldn't hurt as much? Or, it wouldn't see it as your fault?" Starsky finished the sentence.

"Both, yeah. Sort of…I guess. I don't know! When you say it out loud it sounds stupid, but I haven't been exactly rowing with both oars lately."

"No foolin'. Hutch, there is nothing wrong with admitting to fear. Fear is a very important part of life. It's what we do with it that matters. If we let it shut us down, then we are in trouble, like when you froze in the alley." Starsk sat on the coffee table and picked at a pizza sauce stain on his jeans. "If we use it as a tool to push ourselves forwards, then we are making it work for us. You and me, we do that all the time, you just don't think about it that way. Every time we have managed to get out of tight situations we are making fear work for us!" Starsky flashed a lopsided grin at Hutch. "Sorry, didn't mean to preach."

Once again Hutch looked at his usually fun loving friend with a sense of awe. "I just get in my own head so far, that I lose sight of what I believe in," Hutch said quietly. "What am I going to do? I hate feeling like this!"

"Like what?" Starsky prompted.

"Helpless. I hate feeling frozen and unable to help myself move forward."

Starsky smiled as a thought came to him. "Stick with me on this, there is a point, I promise. Remember a couple years ago when we busted the hold up at a laundromat…"

Hutch looked confused but recalled."The one where you ran in wearing a towel, like a diaper?"

Starsky reddened at the recollection, "Yeah, that one. But remember, the bad guy had the little old lady by the throat and threatened to kill her. She had it in her head that she was helpless… so she just kept screaming."

"And screaming…yeah, but where is this going?"

"Patience! You'll see…. Once I got her attention and told her to stomp his foot, she stopped being the victim and helped herself. Thats what you need to do, Hutch. Decide you are not going to be the victim. Take that control back. You have the choice. That is one choice we always have."

"That sounds awfully simple…"

"After a while, it can be. But, not at the start, because you really have to believe it."

Hutch closed his eyes and sank back into the cushions of the sofa, "I am having a hard time believing in anything. I want to! But after all we have been through, I just don't know."

"Yes you do. There is just too much noise in your head right now. Like the old lady at the laundromat, you have to stop screaming. "

Hutch looked skeptical, but tried to follow Starsky's line of thought. "So what do I need to listen for?"

"Listen for the voice in you that has gotten us where we are today. The part of you that is not your fear, or your anger. The part of you that is proud of getting up every morning and being Kenneth Hutchinson. It's probably been a while since you've heard that voice, so it may take a little while to recognize it." Starsky reached out and slapped Hutch on the knee. "I know this isn't stuff we usually talk about. But since Terri's death, it really is something I think about a lot. Helplessness is a terrible place to be lost in. I was lost in that forest for a really long time and I hated myself for it. And with your help and Dr. Evans' guidance I have found a path that seems to be getting me where I want to be. You want I should set up a meet with Dr. Evans? Nothing formal, but I think you might like her."

"Her?"

"Yes, her," Starsky shook his head and his face broke into a smile. "She is a terrific lady. I think you might like what she has to say. And I know she would love to finally meet you. Your name may have come up once or twice."

"OK," Hutch answered tentatively. "I am really tired of feeling this way and I can't count on your good graces and self control indefinitely….so yeah. Let's set a meet. You won't say anything to anyone about this, right? Just me and thee?"

"As always, partner." Starsky grinned. Then, instantaneously changing gears, David continued, "Since we got to the root of that problem, here's what I have in mind for our mutual friend, Kira. You invite her to Huggy's for drinks on Sunday, I'll be there too and…we will dressed alike to mess with her head, and …"

THE END

Thanks to PMG for being kind enough to share some of his hard won philosophy with us through his book Chrystallia and the Source of Light.