Don't blame me for falling

I was just a little boy

Don't blame the drunk calling

Wasn't ready for it all

Fitz has memorized the entire layout of Everglen. He knows which steps creak and which ones squeal, which door hinges rattle and which doorknobs are loose. He knows to cocoon his feet in smooth, silky socks that make no sound when sliding stealthily over the hard floors. He knows how to silently and quickly pick a lock, how to open a window and be sure that the draft isn't felt by anyone but himself. He knows to keep his door closed and the nightlight on, so if his parents were to check in on him unexpectedly, they'd assume he was just asleep. He knows how to be silent and still like a shadow, drifting aimlessly through the night. Fitz knows a lot of things that nobody would expect an elf, much less a Vacker, to know.

You can't blame me, darling

Not even a little bit

I was away

And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch

Who can't admit when he's sorry

For example, Fitz knows that he screwed up. Getting angry was fine, he tells himself, but he has to do it in private, where no one, much less the Councillors, can see him. He knows that it's wrong to use anger as an outlet, but he can't control the all-consuming, driving, complete and utter rage that engulfs his mind, taking over his body and burning like a fire of Everblaze, uncontrollable, wild, ferocious. And Fitz knows he screwed up letting his anger get the better of him. He should've been able to control it better, should've been able to handle it, should've been able to hide it. He should've, could've, would've if he could do everything over again. He regrets it now, getting angry. He can't remember a time where his anger was a good thing.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

Fitz also knows that the stars are unforgiving. This particular night, he crept from his bedroom, carefully shutting the door behind him, and slunk downstairs, avoiding the part of the floor slightly to the left of the bottom stair that always creaks, and snuck out the back door. He's not running away, merely looking up at the stars and the slowly lightening sky as dawn comes and the night fades away. Fitz likes stars. They make him feel like he might be just a blip of nothingness on Earth, but also like he's the entire universe, if that makes sense. Probably not. Nothing much that Fitz says ever makes sense.

I just hope you see me in a little better light

Do you think it's easy being of the jealous kind?

'Cause I miss the shape of your lips

You'll win, it's just a trick

And this is it, so I'm sorry

It almost feels like he's the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning. Fitz shakes his head immediately after thinking that sentence, trying to dislodge the poetic phrase from his head. It's awfully confusing, he thinks, trying to understand exactly who he is and what he's here for while also just continuing to live. He knows that's what makes the anger so easy to understand — it's straightforward, comprehensible. He gets why he's angry most of the time. But when there's confusion, identity, truth, trust, and love added to the chaotic mess of emotion he's sure his core is radiating, it gets harder and harder to make sense of it all.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

He's sort of… stuck. In his head every day, in his place as a Vacker, on Sophie. He's just kind of tethered to all of his responsibilities, unable to let go because, really, he's caught with an ever-tightening noose around his neck, slowly squeezing the resistance and defiance out of him. He will be perfect, strong, handsome, successful. Like his father, like Councillor Emery, like his great-great-great and so on grandfather, Fallon. He's going to be a leader, because that's who he's supposed to be. Not who he is yet, but who he will be.

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch

Who can't admit when he's sorry

And Fitz knows he has a lot to say he's sorry for. All the times he's hurt his friends, the many times he's threatened his brother - his traitorous brother, but his brother all the same - and his father, his strong, brave father, he has so much to apologize for. But why should I, Fitz thinks angrily. Why should I have to apologize? Why should I be the one to say I'm sorry, especially when I'm really not? He can say he's sorry a thousand times and neither Alvar nor his father would believe him, he knows it. It was just inevitable that he not be trusted. That isn't fair, this he knows as well, but no one ever said that life is.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

And frankly, Fitz is sick of being treated like he's a shaken-up can of soda, ready to pop the second someone gently taps him, breaking his concentration and allowing himself to fizzle, fizzle, fizzle out, bursting with anger until he tires himself out. Sure, he gets angry easily, but he has reason to, doesn't he? His father's mind broke because one of his friends likes to keep secrets, he lost his best friend because of the secret-keeping friend, he lost his sister when she started spending time with the Songs, he lost his mother when she buried herself in work to hide from the idea that her husband was basically dead and hadn't ever returned, staying in work and coming home only when she needed a shower and a fresh set of clothes.

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

And he hates the feeling of loneliness, because everyone's left him and no one's looking back.

No one:

Not a single person:

Not even a fly:

Me: LETS WRITE A FITZ FIC AT 1 IN THE MORNING!

Soooo… surprise? I kinda disappeared for a sec there, didn't I? My bad. Life got crazy. Buuuuut I'm back now with another story that absolutely no one asked for, but if you're reading this, you're getting one. Basically I wrote PDC(go read it if you haven't!) and then I finished it but I don't have the motivation to continue In the Shadows right now with finals. So, this will most likely end up being me just working through my anger issues with Fitz! And yes, I love the Vackers. All of them. Except Alden.

I'd go all Fitz on his sorry butt.

Anyway, sorry I keep getting off track. Welcome! I'm ally and this is my new story! Tysm for reading and I'd love it if you left a review, please feel free to give constructive criticism and suggestions, I love hearing what you think! And yes, Fitz is a little OOC right now, but I have a plan. Thanks again for reading!

~Ally