Sorry seems to be the hardest word

What I got to do to make you love me?

What I got to do to make you care?

What do I do when lightning strikes me?

And I wake to find that you're not there?

Lying on the ground, looking up at the stars. Fitz is ready to let his eyes close, ready to slip into the graceful dreams that sleep brings him. A thousand thoughts brew in his mind, which he knows will manifest in his subconscious, jolting him out of sleep and back into the cruel reality of the world. Fitz doesn't like sleeping.

Sleep means dreams, and dreams mean restlessness and a million things he wants to say but can't get up the courage to, sorry being the first one. He knows he's said that he's sorry to Sophie, and Biana, and his parents, and Keefe. But it never really feels like he has. Sorry is subjective - he could be sorry that he hurt them or sorry that he broke a plate. He's sorry for so much.

What I got to do to make you want me?

What I got to do to be heard?

What do I say when it's all over babe?

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Fitz never means to hurt anybody. He knows he lets his anger get out of control, and he takes it out on the people closest to him. And he's sorry for that, in so many ways. If he could, he'd go back and undo all the stupid things he's said, everything that's ever caused anyone pain. His anger is his worst feature, he thinks, a little like the clouds are the sky's worst feature. Why cover up the good, he thinks, eyes trained on a wisp of cotton-candy cloud drifting lazily over the waning moon.

He's sure he has good in him; it's just covered up by the anger and the hurt he's felt. Because he's been hurt, right? By Sophie, by his dad, Alvar. He's been hurt! He can admit that easily, unlike some people *cough* Keefe *cough*. Fitz deserves to be able to be angry sometimes, right? He can be angry all he wants! His best friend, his brother, his girlfriend, they had all deserted him! There was good in him, but no one was looking for it. Fitz was always the bad guy, no matter what. So he didn't want to disgrace his family, even more than it already had been, so what? That automatically made him a bad person?

There was good in him, right?

It's sad, so sad

It's a sad, sad situation

And it's getting more and more absurd

It's sad, so sad

Why can't we talk it over?

Oh, it seems to me

That sorry seems to be the hardest word

But of course Fitz is sorry for the way he treated Sophie. And Keefe, too, for that matter. He didn't mean to hurt them. Neither Keefe nor Sophie seems to understand just how big a deal it is for him to be matched with the right person. Choose right, and the Vacker legacy is restored. Choose wrong, and his family name and privilege is destroyed. Needless to say, it's a lot of pressure. He's only seventeen, after all.

Only seventeen. Seventeen, and stupid. Seventeen, and a bad friend. Seventeen, wishing with all his heart that he could go back to how he used to be, carefree and happy. Almost all he knows now is anger.

What do I do to make you want me?

What I got to do to be heard?

What do I say when it's all over?

Angry when he wakes, angry when he sleeps, angry in the middle of class, angry always. He can't control it, can't contain it, can't suppress it. He's struggling to manage it - not that anyone knows that - and focusing so much on his anger is making it hard to remember what it was like before anger took over his life. Being happy; it's a foreign feeling to him. He hates that.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad

It's a sad, sad situation

And it's getting more and more absurd

It's sad, so sad

Why can't we talk it over?

Oh, it seems to me

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Angry at himself, mostly, because he can't pluck up the courage to admit that he was wrong. He's stupid, and he's being stupid right now, he knows. How can Fitz ever tell anyone that he's wrong? He hates being wrong, above all else, and avoids it at all costs. There's a reason he's been top of his class since Level One - he works hard to be the best because not being the best is being the worst. Second place is never an option for someone like Fitz. Some say he's competitive, some say he's arrogant and entitled. He doesn't care, as long as he's right. And as long as he's the best.

Yeah

Sorry

But yeah. Fitz is sorry. To Sophie, Keefe, Biana, his parents, even to Alvar.

What do I do to make you love me?

What I got to do to be heard?

What do I do when lightning strikes me?

What have I got to do?

What have I got to do?

When sorry seems to be the hardest word

He just can't get up the courage to say it.

Hello yes I'm still alive I didn't you know die or anything dramatic like that. Yes I know I was supposed to update this about a millennia ago, but shit went down and then other shit went down and then I went spiraling into an abyss of shittery and then I had finals and then the anxiety and anorexia went up again because my brother is a fucking asshole and he said I was heavy AGAIN and I could legitimately kill him right now. If anyone has a body bag or a good way to dispose of an eleven-year-old's body, please let me know!

**Disclaimer: I'm joking. I'm not actually going to kill my brother. Probably.**

***Joking, again***

Anyway, sorry this took so long but I hope you liked it and that you get Fitz a little more now! I've always loved him as a character and I think he deserves much more than the fandom gives him. Hopefully Shannon treats him with kindness in the next book(Harry Styles reference hehehe I love him so much). Also there's like a 50/50 chance this will turn out to be a Fam fic(FitzxTam I can't remember their ship name and calling them Titz is awkward), though I don't love writing about romance, but just a heads up, if you're not cool with that, get the fuck away and kindly reconsider your values before ever reading anything I write or talking to me ever again.

ANYWAY, moving on. The song from last chapter was To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles and this one is Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John. Speaking of Harry, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! IT'S FEBRUARY FIRST! HE'S 27! Ahjchjkdsjkbces I love him so much and he deserves the world flfiendjeiecn I can't believe he's 27 already!

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYY, sorry for fanpersoning. I'm going to go before I get any crazier, as it's half past midnight and I'm only half conscious. Bye!

~ally the insane