TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND
Chapter 27
Regina could not breathe.
She closed the door and slid to the floor, her left hand clutched to her chest in an attempt to calm her aching heart.
At least she had managed to do it quietly, because she would not be able to handle a worried Emma right now.
She was not sure if she could be anywhere near the blonde ever again.
Leaning her head against the door Regina sighed heavily, trying to regain her composure, but to no avail.
She was jealous.
Hell, she was jealous!
Regina did not want to think about why that was, but that specific can of worms was already open.
She was jealous, because she had feelings for Emma.
Feelings that reached deeper than mere friendship.
God help her!
How had that happened?
And how had she not noticed?
Regina closed her eyes in horror.
She wished she could deny it, wished she would be just overreacting, but as the picture of Emma kissing Milah showed up in her mind once again Regina had to admit, at least to herself, that it was too late.
The truth was out.
It had caught her completely off guard, had hit her over the head.
And Regina had no idea what to do.
She could not have feelings for Emma.
It was not possible.
It was not.
And yet she could not shake the thought that Emma kissing Milah was all kinds of wrong.
That Emma should be kissing her.
Not that it would happen.
Ever.
She was not into women.
Absolutely not.
But then again Emma was not just some woman.
Emma was...well, Emma.
She was beautiful – Regina had to admit that.
The blonde's looks did not make her so special though.
It was what was in Emma's heart.
Never had she met such a kind and loving soul.
Never had she crossed paths with someone as protective as Emma Swan.
She had been as uncomfortable as she could get whenever some woman had hit on her at The Rabbit Hole and Regina did not even know why.
Because she should have been more scared of the men after all she had been through, but oddly enough she had brushed their advances off easier.
Probably because she had been through the worst thing that could happen to a woman by the hand of a man already.
Probably because no man could hurt her more than Daniel already had.
Emma did not make her uncomfortable.
It had been awkward in the very beginning, yes.
But then she had gotten to know Emma, had gotten to trust her.
And since that day Regina felt warm and safe whenever Emma was around.
She had gotten used to the hugs, to the hand holding, even to sleeping in the same bed as the blonde...
Regina stopped at that thought.
Hell, she had stared at Emma for God knows how long when she first woke up next to the blonde during their vacation, studying her face intensely until Henry had stormed into the room, demanding breakfast.
But the point was she had been studying Emma's face, her peaceful expression like a lovesick teenager.
Had her subconscious tried to tell her something that day?
She was so confused, so overwhelmed.
What should she do?
She definitely could not see Emma right now.
First she had to get a grip, had to find a way to lock her chaotic thoughts away.
Preferably forever.
Because she could not have feelings for Emma.
It would ruin everything.
Emma was miserable.
Truly miserable.
Regina had not shown up at her place anymore although she had said so and although she wanted nothing more than to go over to the brunette's place and check on her Emma knew better than that.
Pressuring Regina, forcing her to talk could only backfire and the situation was complicated enough as it was.
Emma felt like their whole friendship, their whole family would break apart any second, as if this whole thing would blow up right in her face if she so much as blinked.
And she had a feeling that Regina was as miserable as her and that broke Emma's heart even more.
If only the brunette would talk to her – they would figure it out together.
Whatever it was they could figure it out, right?
Henry was playing with Tamotsu, giggling excitedly and completely oblivious to her worries.
Sometimes Emma wished she could forget all about reality and look at the world with the innocence of a child, but her sorrows were weighing too heavy to even get close.
Regina was still sitting on the floor, she was stilling leaning against the door.
The only difference was that she was crying now.
She could not wrap her head around the possibility of having feelings for Emma.
If it were true though she was not sure that she could handle it.
She had never been good with feelings, she did not know how to love very well.
Except for Henry.
Not that the thought of loving someone else, but her son was completely ridiculous anyway.
Because even if she had feelings for Emma – it did not matter.
She could never act on them.
They were friends and she would not ruin that.
Well, if there would be anything left to ruin once she found a way to deal with this whole mess.
Then there was Milah.
No matter what Emma had told her – Regina was sure that the blonde and the doctor would make a great couple, much to her own disdain, and they would realize it eventually.
And even if that would not be an issue there was still the fact that Emma was not interested in her anyway.
The blonde had made it pretty clear from the beginning that she had no intention of getting Regina into her bed.
Clearly Emma was not attracted to her.
And if all of that would not be reason enough to stop this madness before it could get worse, before the impossible happened and she really fell in love – there was still her past.
And Regina knew that it would never let her go.
She would never be able to have a "normal" relationship, not after everything she had endured.
So, all in all she was doomed.
Whether she had feelings for Emma or not.
Emma and Henry had ordered pizza and of course the boy had caught up on the fact that his mother had not shown up. Emma had offered that he could go and check on her, but Henry had said that it was fine, that probably Regina needed some time to herself since she had been weird lately.
Both of them had been anxious during dinner, but it had lead to an honest converstation and some unexpected realizations on both sides.
Regina's cries had died down by the time Henry had returned to their apartment.
And she had not been on the floor either, but in her bed, curled up into a ball, tissue in hand and eyes bloodshot.
"Mom, are you okay?"
She closed her eyes and wished that she could say 'Yes', that she could pretend for Henry's sake that she was, but she did not find the strength to make an attempt to convince him, so she shook her head and a new sob escaped her lips.
Without saying another word Henry climbed onto the bed and lied down next to his mother, facing her, pulling her close.
Regina wrapped her arms around him instantly, holding on to him, because he was the only real thing in her life, silent tears running down her cheecks.
"I know you are sad", Henry whispered, "And I don't know why...but everything will be fine. You have me and we'll figure it out together. I promise."
Regina felt like breaking down completely, because Henry should not have to worry about her.
She was the mother, he was the kid, but right now she felt like the roles were reversed, because he was looking out for her more than she was looking out for him.
She was such a disappointment.
"I love you, mom."
Henry's words had her out of her thoughts in the blink of an eye and she pulled him even closer.
He always knew what to say and how to make everything better for her.
He always had.
Emma had cancelled lunch with Milah the next day and had decided to surprise Regina and Killian instead.
The moment she had shown up on the set they were working on she regretted it though, because she did not miss the frown on Regina's face when the brunette saw her.
Regina looked like she wanted to bail, but Killian dragged her over, excited about the bag of food Emma had brought along.
And to everyone's surprise lunch turned out way better than expected.
The conversation was flowing, there even was some laughter, but the situation remained tense nonetheless.
But Emma was glad that they were at least talking, because lately they had not even managed that.
Things were so confusing and nothing made sense to the blonde, especially not Regina's behavior.
Killian must have caught up on it too, because he shot Emma more than one worried look, but she only shrugged helplessly.
She could not tell him what was going on if she wanted to, because she simply did not know.
And then Killian had to share his excitement over the fact that Milah would be staying longer, because the case she had been consulted for turned out to be a lot more complicated than she had thought and there would be some huge surgery she would be an important part of.
Emma almost choked on her water, because she had not heard about that yet and she could not shake the feeling that Milah's prolonged stay was not only about the surgery. They definitely would have to talk about this and soon.
And Regina went dead silent from one moment to the next, her hands balling into fists in an attempt to not lose her composure while she stood up in a rush and then stormed off without even so much as a good bye.
Emma hid her face in her hands and sighed and Killian tried to process what had transpired only seconds ago.
What the hell was going on?
Regina was standing in the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face, breathing hard.
While she had been startled about Emma's appearance she had come to enjoy her little triumph over lunch.
So Emma had cancelled on that British doctor to come and see her, she had even brought food.
Regina had been moved by that realization and although things were still tense, she had enjoyed having Emma there – more than she cared to admit.
This whole emotional debacle had them growing apart and she did not like it one bit, because she did not want to lose Emma, but she was on the best way to do just that if she did not get a grip.
She had to pull herself back together and and get a handle on her emotions.
On her feelings.
On her feelings for Emma.
No, that was just an illusion.
Some wicked joke her heart and her mind were playing on her.
Right?
She knew she could keep telling herself that day and night, but it would not make it true.
Deep down Regina was very much aware that she had indeed fallen for Emma Swan, but she had no idea what to do about it.
But there was always denial.
Until Killian had brought up that Milah would stay in Boston for longer of course.
Because then she had seen that vivid image of Emma and Milah kissing once again and everything had went downhill from there.
She had to get away, she had to...well, what?
Had Emma already known?
Was that why she had brought lunch? To smoothe things over?
No, that could not be, because Emma had looked truly uncomfortable when Killian had broken the news to them. Not that Regina had stayed long enough to know for sure.
This was not going to work, but what would?
Needless to say that family dinner was a painful affair that evening.
Regina and Emma had barely spoken a word and Henry had looked back and forth between them as if he could force the answers out of them, but to no avail.
Emma and Henry were sitting on the couch, playing cards, while Regina did the dishes – she had insisted that she would do it alone, much to Emma's surprise.
They had done the dishes together since forever now, it had become part of their family dinner routine, but obviously Regina did no longer need her help.
Did no longer need her.
Her heart was aching and she kept stealing glances at Regina, longing for the family they had been.
The family that seemed to be lost to her now.
When her phone rang Emma felt the urge to throw it against the wall, but then she caught sight of the caller ID and picked up with a smile, "Hey...what's up? Uh...sure. I'm still in my work clothes, but if that doesn't bother you...drinks sound nice. Okay...see you in twenty."
Regina's hands were shaking and she could barely hide it while she dried a plate with a kitchen towel.
Of course Emma would head off to meet this...this...whatever.
They had missed their lunch, so what had she expected?
"Kid, I gotta go...but I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Maybe we can take Tamo-tsu for a walk?"
"That would be awesome!" he grinned at her and petted the dog's head, "Can he stay with me tonight? Since you are going out anyway?"
Emma nodded, "Uh sure...if your mom allows it of course."
When Regina did not reply she sighed, "Very well. If he doesn't behave just bring him over to my place. You have the keys."
With that Emma stood, kissed Henry on the forehead and with one last look at the brunette she headed for the door.
"Tell Milah I said 'hi'!" Henry stated when she was about to open the door.
And the next thing they heard was a plate breaking when it hit the floor.
The plate Regina had been drying only seconds ago.
Henry and Emma stared at the brunette in shock, but when Emma made an attempt to step closer and help Regina clean up the shards the brunette only shook her head and snapped, "Just go. We don't want you to be late for your date, now do we?"
"Date? I'm meeting Ruby for a drink, because she had a shitty day. She won't die if I'll be a few minutes late", Emma stated in confusion.
And Regina looked at her, completely dumbfounded, before she sighed, obviously embarrassed, "Please, just go."
Emma nodded sadly and did just that and Regina punched the cupboard with her hand in frustration.
God, what had she done now?
Could she be any more obvious?
"Mom, what's going on?"
Emma and Ruby were sitting in a booth at their favorite Irish pub, neither of them able to hide their worries.
"You go first", Ruby announced and took a sip of her whiskey.
"No, you called me...so spill it!" Emma countered and took a sip of her glass as well.
For a moment Ruby did not say anything, obviously debating if this was worth one of their childish arguments, but she decided it was not, so she cleared her throat instead, "Jefferson wants a relationship."
Emma sat still for a while before she chuckled, "And that's why you look like you are about to get executed? Jesus, Ruby...he is a nice guy. And he really likes you...and as far as I know you like him too. So what's the problem?"
"The problem is...that I do like him. But I don't want a relationship with him. What we have is good, but it's not forever. You and I both...we know it. Relationships are not my thing...I'm more of a lonely wolf..." Ruby stated and took another sip.
"Yeah, but does he know that too? Have you talked to him about that?" Emma asked, swallowing some whiskey as well.
"I don't know how. I don't want to hurt him...and I know once I tell him...everything will change."
"Yeah, everything changes. All the time", Emma stated absentmindedly and Ruby could not ignore the sadness in the blonde's eyes.
"What about you?" she asked when Emma did not say anything else, "Shouldn't you be all smiles now that you've got that hot doctor from London? Really, what is it with you and British women?"
Ruby chuckled, but Emma only sighed, "It's complicated, Rubes."
"Of cousre. It's always complicated with you."
The blonde shook her head, "No, really. Milah is great, but she's..."
She's not Regina.
"Don't be like that. You said it yourself...she's great. I mean she is hot, damn...don't just say 'No' from the start...you'll never know...maybe the two of you could have something great", Ruby encouraged her, but Emma only shook her head again, "No, I shouldn't have started this to begin with...it was a stupid idea...and it did not help anyway...just made everything worse. And now Regina is weird and we barely talk...and everything is just...so messed up."
"Whoa, now slow down", Ruby held up her hands, "What are you talking about? You and Regina are inseperable and I get that. But it was time you went out again...you've played house long enough..."
When she looked at Emma and recognized the lost expression in the blonde's eyes it dawned on Ruby though, "Oh no...are you trying to say what I'm thinking?"
Emma shrugged, "I don't know what you are thinking."
With that she emptied her glass and gestured at the bartender to let him know she wanted a refill.
When the waitress showed up with her new drink Emma stopped her, "You know what...bring a bottle."
She emptied the recently ordered glass of whiskey in one gulp and met Ruby's concerned eyes.
Fuck it. It can't get worse.
"I'm in love with Regina."
There. She said it.
"I've been for a very long time. And I've never handled it too well, but Graham...he knew. He just knew. And I...at least I could talk to him and then...he was gone and I was...well, it's been so hard. Not just losing him...but also...you know...and then we were on vacation...and I was around her even more and I got so scared, because I almost spilled it...and she can never...never know", Emma dropped her head.
"I'm so sorry, Em. I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?" Ruby was baffled by the blonde's revelation.
"I couldn't. I was...we all were...Graham...and everyone was so caught up...in their own pain...and then I thought if I...ignore it...the feelings I have...that they would go away...but..."
Ruby took Emma's hand and squeezed it, "No such luck, huh? So Milah is what? A distraction?"
"That was the plan...but that has backfired in every way possible...because I feel miserable. And Regina is...I don't know...she thinks I'm trying to replace her and Henry or some crazy shit...and Milah...God, I don't know...I told her from the beginning...that I was not interested in a relationship or anything...just...well, you know...and she was okay with it", Emma desperately tried not to cry, "But Killian said she's staying longer...because of her job...but I don't believe that. I mean sure...she is trying to help this one kid...but I have a feeling that it's more than that...and if I'm right...God, this is so fucked up!"
"Hey! Em, listen..." Ruby tried, but Emma was too caught up in her own thoughts, so she squeezed her hand again to get her attention, "Look at me, Em."
When Emma finally complied she smiled at her, "Milah is not your problem...I mean you were honest...you told her. If she expects more now that's on her...and no, don't even try to tell me this is your fault...she's a grown up. If this makes you so miserable...then go tell her that it's not working, because clearly it isn't. Okay?"
Emma nodded hesitantly, "I know you are right...it's just...I never meant to hurt anyone...but that's exactly what I did."
"I guess most of all you've hurt yourself", Ruby stated the obvious, "And you need to talk to Regina. Maybe you should tell her..."
"No! She can't know. She can never know!" Emma insisted, slightly paniced.
"I'm sure she would understand..." Ruby tried again.
"And that's where you are wrong. She would never understand. She feels safe with what we have...after everything she's been through. She feels safe again...she's not into women...back then when we met...and she should have done that lap dance for me...it was obvious that even thinking about a woman touching her makes her uncomfortable...Regina can never know!"
"I...I'm sorry...I had no idea", Ruby emptied her glass and grabbed the bottle that had been put on their table without them even noticing, "This screams for another drink..."
When Emma and Ruby finally stumbled into the penthouse it was almost 5 am.
They were quite intoxicated, but not nearly as drunk as Emma wished she would be.
The rain had sobered them up on their way home and she felt worse than ever.
It was then that Emma's eyes stopped on the photograph Graham had taken of her, Regina and Henry.
Another wave of pain spread in her chest and she could not hold the tears back any longer.
The whole night during her conversations over whisky, lots of whiskey, with Ruby she had managed to hold them back, but now the dam finally broke and the desperation she had tried to ignore the last couple of days made it to the surface with full force.
Before she knew it she was lying on the couch, wrapped up in Ruby's arms, her head hiding in the crook of the brunette's neck.
"I don't know what to do", Emma mumbled between sobs and Ruby's heart broke for her devastated friend, "I don't know either..."
She kissed the blonde's hair gently, "But we'll figure something out."
