A/N: Hello lovelies,

sorry for the long wait.

I cut my hand about two weeks ago - in a rather unfortunate spot as well.

So my hand is all bandaged up - to avoid all movement, because whenever I move my hand or fingers too much I tear the cut. Not funny.

Hurts like a bitch too.

Typed most of the chapter left handed - at a snail's pace.

Anyway...here is the next chapter. Hope you'll like it. I'm kind of happy with how it turned out.

No promises on further updates on this or my other ongoing stories - I mean I will update every single one eventually - but it might take a while since I can't write/type properly.

Hope everyone is doing well...

Much love xo

Ps.: Trigger warning - there is one short mention of violence, but nothing severy, nothing graphic. It should be okay. But just in case...be warned.


TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND

Chapter 29

Milah.

Emma wanted to scream.

Could the timing be any worse?

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, debating what she should do.

Should she really send Regina away to talk to Milah?

She did not want to, but Emma was aware that she could not avoid the conversation with the doctor any longer. She had to get it over with, the sooner the better.

Emma wished that the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

God, how much she wished.

But of course she had no such luck.

When she opened her eyes again Regina had already stepped back.

The moment was gone.

The chance was lost.

And Regina looked more hurt by the second.

This was going all wrong.

They had just managed to fix the cracks in their friendship, at least they had started to.

And now everything seemed to be in pieces once again.

God damnit!

"Regina..."

A dismissive gesture of the brunette's hand was the answer, "Thank you for your help and your time. Your presence and attention is required elsewhere now. I take it you won't make it to dinner, Miss Swan?"

Emma cringed at the name.

Hearing Regina talk to her like that tore her apart and she wanted to hide and cry.

"I...Regina...I'll be back as soon as I can", Emma forced out, but both women knew they would not cook together this evening.

Nor would they spend it together.


Emma had taken Milah to a small café not far from the building she lived in.

Neither of them had said a word during their short walk there, but now that they were taking seats with their coffees in hand Milah broke the silence, "You're avoiding me."

It was not a question, much more a statement.

"Not intentionally. Ruby and I got pretty wasted the other day...and work is busy...and then Regina asked if I could help with the camping stuff for Henry's trip with David and Mary Margaret and...well...yeah, I guess I've been avoiding you...kind of", Emma admitted and shrugged.

"Care to tell me why?"

Emma considered what she could tell her, how she could word it in a gentle way, but she came up empty and so she ended up blurting out the only thing that came to her mind, "This isn't working."

Milah looked startled, "I'm not sure I understand..."

"Listen", Emma explained, "This...this affair...we started...it was a mistake. It's not working...and it's not your fault...it's mine."

"I see", Milah dropped her gaze.

"I'm so sorry. I am. It's not you...I mean it. I've just...I've been stupid enough to believe that...that it will help me get over my feelings for someone else", Emma stated, wondering why on earth she would tell Milah that. But the words were out and she could not take them back.

The doctor nodded, "Well, I'm not really surprised to be honest. It's Regina, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"The woman you are in love with, the one you want a relationship with...the one you are committed to...it's Regina...am I right?" Milah eyed her closely and Emma felt like breaking under the intense gaze.

Lying was pointless, that much was certain.

"Uh...yeah. Is it...that obvious?" a shy smile appeared on Emma's face.

"You're talking about her all the time, you are so invested in each other's lives...well, at least it's quite obvious to me", Milah replied and took a sip of her coffee, "But that reminds me...didn't you mention that she is straight?"

Emma winced at the comment, but it was the truth she could not run from.

Regina had told her from the beginning.

And that was the moment she became glad that Milah had interrupted "their" moment, had stopped her from a revelation that would have most likely driven Regina even further away.

How had she even considered telling her about her feelings?

"She is."

Milah nodded again, "Happens to all of us...falling for the straight girl I mean. Always ends in lots and lots of heartache."

"Yep", Emma sighed, "But there's nothing I can do, now is there? We can't choose whom we fall for..."

It was Milah's turn to sigh, "No, we can't."

They sat in silence for a while, but then Emma remembered that Milah had wanted to talk to her about something, "So, what's the important thing you wanted to discuss?"

"Forget about it, Emma. It's been about a job offer...would have given me the opportunity to come here more often in case...well, it's no longer relevant", the brunette answered and took a sip of her coffee, never meeting the blonde's eyes.

"I'm so sorry", Emma whispered.

Although she had been honest with Milah from the start she felt terribly guilty still.

"I never meant to hurt you...or for any of this chaos to happen."

"I know."

Milah sounded so very understanding, but that made Emma only feel worse.

"The irony is...you are the perfect woman. And I mean that...if the circumstances would be different..." Emma started, but drifted off, because things were exactly how they were and it would not change anytime soon.

They drank the rest of their coffees in silence and it was not before their good byes that Milah found her voice again.

"Will you be happy?" she looked at Emma, concern written all over her face.

The blonde only shrugged, "I hope so. Things are...complicated right now. I have to try to fix it. Somehow."

Milah nodded in understanding once again, "There's a lot of heartache and misery in your future...I hope you know that."

Emma nodded as well, fully aware what was awaiting her.

"Will she be worth it?" the brunette asked without a hint of judgement.

"She already is."

"I know part of our subconscious always has hope...even if there is none. So, if you and Regina will never be more than friends...will it be enough?"

Emma had asked herself that question more times than she could remember and the truth was she did not know.

The only thing she knew with certainity was that she could not lose Regina.

That she could not lose Henry.

That she could not lose her family.

"It has to be."

Neither woman commented on the doubtful, sorrowful tone in the blonde's voice.

Milah hugged her quickly and kissed her on the cheek, "Good luck, Emma Swan. And take good care of that heart of yours."


Emma had returned straight to her penthouse, had locked herself in her bedroom and had cried herself to sleep that night.


Regina had barely gotten any rest all night and now that she found herself in front of the penthouse door she wanted to puke.

But she had to talk to Emma.

They had spent a great day together yesterday and it had almost been as it had been before certain realisations had hit her and she wanted that back.

She wanted it back for good.

Her stupid jealousy would not ruin the one good thing in her life – except for Henry of course.

It would not ruin her family, she would not allow it.

Regina knocked twice and hated it, but she did not dare to unlock the door with her spare key, because she did not want to interrupt – just in case.

A surprised Emma answered the door a few moments later, coffee mug in hand, looking like death warmed up, eyes red from crying and Regina reached out without thinking about it and took Emma's hand to squeeze it gently, "What's wrong?"

Emma was stunned into silence by the brunette's reaction, because she had expected Regina to yell at her for "choosing" Milah over her yesterday.

She just stared at their link hands and enjoyed the contact while it lasted, because she knew – sooner or later it would be gone.

"Emma, what happened? Did Milah..."

"No. This is not about Milah...I'm sorry...I just can't talk about it", Emma answered hastily, praying that Regina would let it go.

And let it go she did.

Not just the topic, but also Emma's hand.

It made the blonde cringe, especially when she saw the expression on Regina's face.

One of disappointment, one of hurt.

Obviously Regina believed she did not trust her enough anymore to confide in her.

If only the brunette knew...

But that was the problem – she could never find out.

"Very well...I won't disturb you any longer then", Regina announced and cleared her throat, "I hope you'll feel better soon."

She turned, ready to leave, but Emma's voice stopped her, "Why did you come here, Regina?"

Her shoulders tensed and she took a deep breath to ground herself before she managed to face the blonde once again, "I just wanted to let you know that Henry and I had take out yesterday. So the groceries we bought are still in the fridge...just in case you'd feel up to join us for dinner tonight."

It was not really what she had wanted to say, but it was not necessarily a lie either.

It would have to do for now.

"Would seven be okay?" Emma asked hesitantly and Regina nodded, "Perfect. See you then, dear."


Regina wanted to scream.

Not only was she not able to concentrate on work because she was worried about Emma – the blonde had looked truly horrible in the morning – but also because Killian would not stop talking about one certain doctor Regina had no intention of ever meeting again.

Damn this British...this...this...Milah.

Killian's ongoing babbeling was the reason why the model who's make up she was supposed to do was currently wearing blue eye shadow on one side and purple on the other.

Oh, damn everyone!

When Killian caught sight of the mess she had created he burst out in laughter, "Well, darling...It looks terrific, but I'm not sure it goes with the dress..."

"Please, just shut up...the day is crappy enough as it is...I don't need a speech from you on top of it", Regina growled and Killian held up his hands in surrender.

He had noticed that his employee and friend was in a strange mood the second she had shown up on the location, but he had not thought anything of it.

Regina had acted quite weird for some time now, but it had never affected her work before, that's why he had not mentioned it.

He had thought the brunette would talk to him once she was ready, but clearly he had misjudged the situation.

"Maybe you should come out with us tonight. I think that's exactly what you need to clear your head...a night out on the town...and since it's Milah's last day..."

That could explain Emma's tears.

Regina winced at the realisation.

Killian watched as Regina's face darkened, how she flinched when he spoke Milah's name and how relief washed over her features when he announced her departure.

Weird.

But the more he thought about it the more Killian realized that Regina's behavior had changed exactly the day Milah had shown up in Boston, had it not?

Hm...

Had Milah probably said something inappropriate?

No, he doubted it.

Besides – Regina and Milah had only seen each other when Emma had been present.

Clearly Emma would not have tolerated any form of rudeness towards the woman she called family.

And then it hit Killian like he had been struck by lighting.

Emma!

Of course!

How had he not seen this before?

Regina had a problem with Milah because she was seeing Emma.

But that made no sense, now did it?

Except...

Except Regina had feelings for Emma.

Oh...

"Oh my god!" Killian exclaimed, "Oh. My. God."

"What now?" Regina snapped while she started to re-do the unamused model's make up.

"You are coming with me, right now!", he ordered and Regina looked dumbfounded, but complied anyway.


Once they found an empty room to talk in private Killian decided to grab the bull by its horns, because he was not sure another way would work with Regina anyway, "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I'm not sure I understand...why didn't I tell you what?"

Killian sighed, "That you're jealous of Milah obviously."

Looking away uncomfortably Regina shook her head, "Don't be ridiculous. I'm no such thing, Mister Jones."

But Regina's body language gave her away and Killian sighed even heavier, "So, you don't care about Emma..."

"Of course I do! Of course I care about Emma...she's..."

Everything to me.

She closed her mouth shut before she could say it out loud though.

"Regina..." he said carefully, giving her a moment to interrupt him, but when she made no attempt of doing so he continued, "You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Regina closed her eyes to stop the tears from escaping her eyes and took a deep breath.

She wanted to deny it, but she could not bring herself to do it.

A few minutes of painful silence ticked away, but then she opened her eyes to look right into the worried ones of Killian and nodded.

It was the only way of admitting, because her tongue was dry and the words were stuck in her throat.

Killian's face softened instantly, "Why didn't you tell me? I would have never...introduced them if I had known..."

Regina was touched by his words, but shook her head, "You couldn't know. Hell, I didn't even know...till I saw them together."

"Oh, sweety...I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be. Emma deserves to be happy. That's all that matters in the end", Regina stated and closed her eyes again.

How she should ever be happy for the blonde was beyond her, but she had to try.

She had to try her hardest, because losing Emma, losing her family was even worse than losing part of Emma to another woman.

"Does she know?"

"No! And she can never know! Killian, you have to promise me that..."

He did not even let her finish her little rant, "I won't say a word. It's not my place...but Regina...maybe you should."

She shook her head vehemently this time, "Absolutely not. I can't lose Emma. She's the best friend I ever had...and telling her...it could ruin everything. I can't...I won't risk it."

While Regina felt slightly proud that she found it in her to open up to Killian, to talk to him, she could live without his advise. Of course he would try to convince her of telling Emma – like Henry.

Why did no one understand that she simply could not do that.

But she was glad that she could talk to Killian, because the isolation of the last days had taken a toll on her. And it only proved once more how far she had come since Emma had entered her life.

She had found a family, she had found friends. She had a good home and a job she loved.

It was truly a miracle.

And now she was confiding in someone else, but Emma, which was pretty close to becoming the next world wonder.

"I hate to point it out to you", Killian started again, "But your friendship is suffering anyway...you've been...well...you've been weird lately and from what I've heard Emma's been confused, hurt even...so, why not talk to her. I'm sure she'll understand, darling. If there is one person in the world capable of understanding pretty much anything...it's probably Emma."

Regina cringed at the mention of Emma being hurt by her behavior.

Of course she had known – she had seen it herself – but hearing someone else say it was like a punch in the gut.

Had Milah told Killian?

Had Emma talked to that British whatever about her in the first place? What had she said?

Had she disappointed Emma?

Of course she had! What a stupid question.

She stood up and paced the room, trying to calm herself.

The thought of hurting Emma was unbearable, was it the only thing she never wanted to do in the first place.

What a lousy friend she was.

"Regina..."

She registered his voice, but it sounded so far away.

What should she do?

She could not tell Emma, now could she?

Would that make anything better? Or would it make everything so much worse?

"Regina!"

Killian's voice sounded so strange, like he was talking through fog and she had no idea why.

She knew he was in the same room as her and yet she felt as if he would be miles away.

As if her whole life was sliding through her fingers.

Until she felt a hand on her wrist.

That had her back in the here and now in a heartbeat.

It also had her in a full blown panic mode in the blink of an eye.

"Let go...let go! Let me go! Killian...let me go!"

Regina screamed, her eyes wide in terror and he released her instantly, clearly shocked by her reaction, "I'm sorry, Regina...I didn't mean to hurt you."

Regina stepped back till she hit the wall, all the while staring at her wrist, trying to fight of the images her mind provided, to no avail.

Deep down she knew that Killian meant no harm, but her past and everything that had been done to her had such a strong hold on her that she could not stop herself from getting caught up in some horribly torturing flashbacks.

Daniel...that other guy...Gold...chains...blood...pain...so much pain...broken trust...shattered heart...wounds that would probably never heal...her mother...more pain...Daniel again...the drugs...the addiction...the first time he slapped her...the first time he...

She dropped to the floor, burying her face in her hands.

She could not handle this.


Killian had no idea what to do, because clearly he had done something wrong and while he was aware that things were quite complicated, he also knew that Emma would probably be the only person who could help Regina.

And Regina needed help, that much was obvious.

So he grabbed his phone, praying that the blonde would not be in a meeting or something of the like.

It rang.

It rang again.

And again.

Come on, Em, pick up...

And it rang again.

"Killian?"

Oh, thank God!

"Em, you gotta come here...like five minutes ago..."

"What? Why? And were is here?"

"No time for explanations, love. I'll text you the address..."

"Killian, what the hell is going on?!"

"It's Regina...we talked and then...I don't even know what happened...she just...I don't know...she was so caught up in her thoughts and I...I just grabbed her arm to get her attention..."

"Oh god..."

"She totally freaked out and now she's on the floor, sobbing...what do I do?"

"Stay with her, but don't...under no circumstances...touch her, Killian...do you understand? And text me that damn address...I'm on my way."

And before he could have replied anything to that the line went dead.


Emma put her SUV to a screeching halt right in front of the location, not bothering to park the car properly.

She had driven like a maniac, not bothering about speeding limits or nonsense like that either, because this clearly was an emergency.

And if somebody would try to stop her so God help her.

"Where is Killian Jones?" she barked out and some scared looking girl pointed into the direction of a building right behind her.

Emma stormed off before the girl could have said anything, pulling the door open with full force, almost knocking herself over in the process, "Killian, where the hell are you?!"

Of course no one answered and Emma grabbed her phone and called her friend, who picked up instantly, "Tell me where the hell you are!"

Before she knew it a door at the end of the corridor was opened and Emma ran as if her life would depend on it, not bothering to hang up or anything else.

She put the phone and her car keys in Killian's hand when she rushed by him, barking a "park my car and make sure nobody comes in here" at him before she sprinted over where Regina was sitting on the floor, her pulled up legs shielding her body, arms wrapped tightly around them, head resting on her knees and shaking like a leaf.

Emma slowed down when she was right in front of the brunette and knelt down, thoughtful not to touch Regina, because she thought it might cause even more damage at this point.

"Regina", she stated softly, trying to sound calmer than she felt, because the truth was that she was close to freaking out. Seeing Regina in so much distress was killing her.

It took a few moments before the brunette lifted her head and met Emma's eyes, pain and confusion written all over her face, "Emma? What are you doing here?"

"Killian called and said you had a rough time...you gave him quite the scare", Emma explained and tried to lighten the situation with a grin, but Regina did not even blink.

"It was not his fault...he couldn't know..." was all the brunette rasped out eventually.

"What can I do?" Emma asked carefully, still unsure as how to proceed.

Regina eyed the blonde for a few moments, obviously thinking about the question before she reached out a shaking hand.

She needed the comfort, she needed the assurance. She needed the warmth and the safety only Emma could provide.

And the need was stronger than her fears.

Emma took her hand without hesitation and pulled gently – surprised that Regina gave in without doubt and let Emma pull her into a hug.

In the end Emma repositioned herself so Regina could lean into her more comfortably and that had let to the brunette landing in her lap, her head buried in the crook of Emma's neck, her trembling hands round Emma's waist.

And although the situation was painful because of the state Regina was in both of them were relieved anyway.

Simply because it was the first time in what seemed forever since they were close again. The first time they could feel their connection, their bond strengthen instead of weakening again.


It had taken quite a while before Regina had calmed down enough to take her home.

They had met a worried Killian on the way to the parking lot and Emma's assurances that everything would be okay had only done so much to make him feel better.

He had insisted that Regina took a day off tomorrow and he had promised to make sure that someone would drive the brunette's car over to their garage.

Now that they were sitting in the penthouse, wrapped up in a blanket, each of them a mug of tea in hand the tension finally started to fade away from Emma's body.

She had been worried sick when she had received that phone call from Killian and all her worries, her heartache, everything had been forgotten in the blink of an eye.

And right that moment she had realized that her feelings would always come in second.

Her friendship with Regina was what mattered and that was what she would focus on.

She would focus on the family she had found in Regina and Henry, because that was something real, something she could have.

There was no point in longing for something that would never happen.

"Emma?"

Regina's voice had her out of her thoughts immediately.

"Do you need anything? More tea maybe?"

The brunette shook her head, "I want you to tell me why you were so upset this morning..."

Emma looked a bit startled and uncomfortable, "It's not that easy to explain, Regina."

"Please try. I need 'us' back. I need what we had back. Like us talking about everything...I need it. I want it. And I'm sorry I've been such a bitch lately...I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm really sorry. We are family, Emma...and friends...I don't want to lose this...you. I need us to get talking again...so please...tell me...why were you so upset?" she took a deep breath, "Is it 'cause Milah is going back to London?"

God, speaking the name of that woman out loud hurt more than she ever thought possible.

"No. I told you...this is not about Milah. Acutally...the only reason I left yesterday was to break things off with her..."

"Oh."

Regina felt so relieved and so heartbroken at the same time. Had Emma felt the need to break up with her, because she had acted so weird. Had she ruined Emma's happiness, because she could not handle her emotions?

Oh God.

"Before you beat yourself up over it..." Emma seemed to be able to read her thoughts, "This had nothing to do with our differences lately. Milah and I...it would never work out. She was an attempt to distract myself...which did not work out anyway...it was a stupid idea altogether."

"I don't understand...you seemed to get along quite well...and she's beautiful...she's...well..."

"Perfect?" Emma suggested.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far", Regina countered, "Nobody is...but I thought she was pretty damn close."

"She is", Emma agreed, "She's the perfect fit for someone, but this someone isn't me."

"May I ask why?"

Emma closed her eyes and sighed.

Here she was again.

Facing the unspeakable truth and she was tired of excuses. She was tired of lying.

Regina deserved so much better.

And before she would lose courage again she whispered, "Because I'm in love with someone else. I've been for quite a while now. Someone I can never have."

Regina thought she must have heard wrong, but the truth was shining in the blonde's eyes, it was shining right back at her.

Emma was in love with someone else?

But with whom?

This new information did not make any sense.

Not at all.

And while Regina was a fairly intelligent woman – emotions and feelings had never been her strong suit.

Neither had been math.

And the more she thought about it the more convinced she became of knowing the answer.

While one and one clearly made two, this was an equation Regina would not be able to solve unless someone layed it out right in front of her eyes. And maybe not even then.

Because when Regina thought about Milah the only woman resembling her she could come up with was Ruby Lucas – Emma's best friend.

Leggy, brunette.

Plus they had known each other forever.

And when she thought back it had all started with Ruby.

Ruby had dragged them to The Rabbit Hole, Ruby had organised the lap dance, it had been Ruby Emma had gotten up for in the middle of the night when the blonde had picked her up in the rain.

It had been Ruby's arms in which Emma had fallen asleep not too long ago, it was Ruby Emma had eyed with worry and sadness when they had been out with the girls.

So, it had to be Ruby.

And Emma could not have her, because Ruby was with Jefferson.

Never would Regina consider that she could be wrong.

Simply because she would never see herself as anything else, but broken. Haunted even.

She had never thought too highly of herself thanks to her mother, but Daniel had taken away the last remaining bit of dignity and pride she had left.

And why Emma had made it all better and more bearable, some wounds might heal, but the scars would forever be too present to be forgotten.

It was not long after Emma's confession that Henry came home and Regina told them that she would go to bed, because she felt completely drained.

But of course she could not sleep that night and neither could Emma – both of them lying awake with an aching heart, longing for each other.

Burdened by the secrets they could not share.

And unaware of how close to the truth they had actually gotten.