A/N: Hello lovelies,

I have returned to Wonderland ;)

Just two things: First I thought to write one looong chapter 30, but then there more I thought about the...well, I came to the conclusion to split it and let this part stand for itself.

Part I is shorter than the usual update, but it gives us some impression of Emma's and Regina's current state of mind...

Part II will be up on Saturday.

That's pretty much all I have to say for now...besides...thanks for the continued support...I love everyone's reviews...they always make my day.

Much love to everyone! And thanks again!xo

Ps.: Gabi, you might like this chapter for what it is...and for the message it delivers. At least I hope so.


TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND

Chapter 30

Part I

Rain was falling from a grey, dull sky and drummed against the windows.

Regina was sitting on her living room floor, knees pulled up to shield her body, arms wrapped around her shins in an attempt to hold herself together.

The pain she felt in her heart had brought her to tears as soon as Henry had left for school and now she could not stop crying.

She felt completely devastated, desperate and she had no idea how to get out of this painful place she was caught in.

She was in love with Emma.

All attempts of getting rid of her feelings, of stuffing them down and locking them away – preferably forever – had failed.

She was in love with Emma Swan.

And she could not be.

Emma was her friend, her family.

Also Emma was struggling with her own heartbreak.

God, this situation was so fucked up.

This could not be happening, because it could ruin literatlly everything.

She had given Emma such a hard time when they had gotten to know each other, pointing out again and again that she was not into women, just to fall for the blonde in the end.

Oh, the irony.

Life was punishing her once again.

She had yet to understand how her feelings had snuck up on her like that without her notice, how Emma had become so essentially important to her.

Never had she thought she would end up in a situation like this – not after Daniel.

And here she was – in love with this amazing woman.

Craving her presence every minute of every day.

She needed Emma, she wanted Emma.

She wanted Emma in her life, longed for the blonde's warmth, for her breathtakingly beautiful smile, for these sparkling eyes.

She would never have it though.

And she knew it.

And boy, did it hurt.

It hurt so much that she thought it might kill her one day.

This was torture.

Slow and painful torture.

She was aware that her son and Killian were right – she probably should tell Emma.

But she could not bring herself to do it, she was too scared of the reaction.

What if Emma would laugh about her confession?

Sure, it was unlikely, because the blonde was too kind a person to do that, but that did not mean that Regina's mind was not providing worst case scenarios anyway.

Would Emma even believe her if she told her?

What if Emma thought it was a trick? That she was after her money after all or something equally disgusting?

She could never handle that – if Emma accused her of using her.

And so she was stuck right where she was, crying on her living room for, because she did not know what else to do with the pain, but to allow it to leak out with no witness other than herself.

God, she really needed to get a grip and pull herself together.

Emma was hurting too and she would need a friend, she would need her to be there.

That was what friends, what family did – they were there for each other.

And she would find a way to do just that.

No matter how much it would hurt.

She had promised to Emma – and even to herself – to always be there for her, but she had also sworn to herself that she would protect Emma.

At all cost.

And she had no intention of breaking one of these promises.

Ever.

She would shield Emma from pain to her best ability, would protect her from harm, even if it meant to follow Emma to the end of the world.

And if she had to take a bullet she would do it too.

At this point Regina knew that she would do anything for Emma and not only because the blonde would have her back as well.

No, she would do it because she wanted to, because the connection they shared was one of a kind and she could not even imagine leaving Emma's side.

Not anymore.

The thought of losing Emma had scared her from the beginning, but after everything that had happened it was simply no option anymore.

It would rip her apart.

It would rip Henry apart as well.

She might not be able to love Emma the way she wished she could, but she would make sure that Emma would always be a part of her life. And she would be the best friend to Emma she could be – till she would take her last breath.

But for now she would just cry.


At the same time Emma was sitting on the couch in her own living room, wrapped in a blanket, crying bitterly.

She should be at work, but she had called Mary Margaret to cancel all her appointments for the day, because the tears had come as soon as she had hit the shower in the morning.

And they had not stopped since.

She knew she should go and check on Regina after that debacle with Killian yesterday, but she could not do that either.

Thinking about Regina alone made her cry even more, made her heart heavier than it already was.

No, she had to stay away from the brunette – at least until she could calm herself.

There was no way she would break down in front of her, because then she would spill everything.

Hell, she had been so close to telling Regina yesterday.

So close.

But she was too afraid of the consequences to confess.

Then again Regina would probably know anyway.

The brunette could have figured it out from what she had said yesterday, could she not?

Was that the reason why she had not shown up for coffee this morning?

It was possible, but Emma doubted it.

Not that Regina was not smart, but she did not think very highly of herself so she would most likely assume that it was someone else.

Not that that option was any better, but it would buy her some much needed time.

Time to get herself together, time to get a handle on her emotions.

She wished she could tell Regina the whole truth, but Emma remembered quite vividly how much it had stung when the brunette had accused her of trying to buy her way in her pants.

No, she would not risk telling her.

What if Regina would still believe that everything had been nothing, but a scheme to get her way?

Or Regina laughing about her, not believing her?

No, she could not live with that.

She also could not live with scaring Regina away.

Simply because she could not lose her.

She could not lose her or Henry, she could not lose her family.

But what should she do?

What if she could not get her emotions under control?

God, this was one big mess.

And why did it have to hurt so much?

She might not be able to love Regina the way she wanted to, but they were friends, they were a family.

Why could that not be enough?

Why did she have to be so miserable when she had so much?

So much more than she had ever thought possible.

She had never felt like this, not even back in the day when she had been with Jade.

Before she had found out about the betrayal.

When her world had been okay, before her heart had been shattered into a million pieces.

Any yet she had never experienced anything like this.

Regina was everything.

She could remember how she had told Regina how she had no interest in her whatsoever, because she did not do committment.

Oh, the irony.

She had never been so committed to anything or anyone.

Not like this.

Not like the way she was committed to Regina and Henry.

To this little family of theirs.

Why had things to be so damn complicated all the time?

Of course she had to fall in love with the one woman she could never have.

And of course her feelings had to haunt her, no matter if she was awake or sleeping.

This whole situation was driving her insane, but there was no way out of it, now was there?

Only time could help her heal – although at this point she was not even sure if that was true.

A lot of time had passed already.

Since the day she had discovered the true nature of her feelings for Regina.

But it had never gotten "better", just worse.

Her feelings had gotten stronger every day since.

Never had they started to fade.

Not even for a bit.

What if time would not work its magic?

What if things would only go "downhill" from here?

First of all – could it get any worse?

She saw Regina practically every day while fighting to keep her feelings under the surface while being as close as they were was a nightmare.

It was torture.

So, could it get worse?

Well, couldn't it always?!

Countless horror scenarios popped up in Emma's head – from Regina falling in love with some guy, who was not nearly good enough for her to her snapping and telling the truth to Regina being completely disgusted and leaving her.

The bare thought was unbearable and Emma knew she would do everything to make sure that Regina would never feel the need to turn her back on her.

She would make sure that no one hurt Regina ever again either, no matter what it might cost her.

Hell, she would practically die for that woman.

Or her son.

And since she could not love Regina, at least not like that, there was only one thing she could do – be there, be her friend.

Be her family.

And love her from afar, love her in secret.

Yes, it would hurt.

It would hurt a lot.

But at least she would be close enough to watch over Regina, to ensure she would be safe.

At all times.

Because in the end being a family had to be enough, no matter what else her heart desired.

She might not get the big happy ending, but life was not a fairytale after all.

And she had found a family to come home to every day, which was so much more than she had ever expected.

It would be enough, she knew it would be.

Of course it did not mean that the pain would just stop, but she would learn to deal with it.

Tomorrow.

Today she allowed herself to cry.