A/N: Hello darlings,

what can I say?

Except for THANK YOU ALL for the amazing response to the last chapter. For all the lovely comments, the words of encouragment and support. I'm so flattered, I feel deeply honored to have such outstanding friends and readers.

It's the biggest reward for a writer to receive feedback and it means so much to see and read about people's reactions to the things you write - especially since writing is a rather time consuming hobby as most of you surely know.

Thanks again to everyone, who took the time to read and especially to everyone who took the time to review. It's truly appreciated and it made my day to see all different kinds of comments and reactions.

To the guest reviewer and everyone else, who was wondering...my hand is okay-ish. Wounds are healed up, but it still hurts like a bitch. Obviously I hit a nerve or something and the doc said it might hurt for a while, but what can you do? Anyway...thanks for your concern. And yes, I am well. Quite busy with work and the dogs, but I love what I do so I would never consider it a burden.

And to guest reviewer Odessa - thanks for your sweet review. If you have an account log in next time...if you don't have one...you might want to get one? Because that way I could reply directly. That goes for all guest reviewers of course!

Anyway...enough with the rambling, on with the story!

Enjoy...

Much love to every single one of you,

Raven


TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND

Chapter 31

Emma darted through the park as if the devil would be after her.

She could not wrap her head around what Regina had blurted out, what Regina had outright yelled right into her face mere seconds ago.

How could that be?

Emma could not even begin to understand what was happening.

Regina was in love with her.

She ran.

And ran.

And then she stopped.

Regina was in love with her!

Why the hell had she stormed off like a maniac?

Regina was returning her feelings for heaven's sake!

She should be happy, celebrating. Screaming it from the roof tops.

Regina was in love with her.

This was good news, was it not?

Of course it was.

Well, maybe it was.

She had panicked, because all the different emotions she had felt in that moment of truth had almost buried her.

She had felt so much – from relief to joy to desperation.

God, how ironic it all was.

They were in love with each other and neither of them had dared to say it, which had caused them so much heartache and pain.

And to top it all she had bolted out of panic, because Regina's unexpected confession had completely overwhelmed her.

She had fucked up.

Big time.

Gosh, she was such an idiot.

What would Regina think?

Probably that she was disgusted by the idea, that she did not want to have anything to do with her anymore – if she knew Regina at all.

She had to make this right. She had to tell Regina.

And the truth this time.

No more deflecting, no more excuses.

With that thought in mind Emma turned around and headed back to where she had come from, only to find Regina gone.

Damnit.


Emma had searched the whole park, had tried to call Regina twice only to be met with the brunette's voicemail.

She wanted to scream, but considering that she was standing in the middle of the street it probably would not be such a smart idea.

And so Emma decided to head home, because there was still a chance that Regina would be there.

If she would not be then Emma would wait for her return.

And if she would wait all night.

She had to make this right.


Of course Regina had not been home by the time she arrived there. Would have been too easy, would it not?

And so Emma had set camp right in front of her penthouse door to wait for the brunette, because she knew Regina would probably think she had ruined everything and Emma could not have her believe that for a second longer.

By the time she finally heard the elevator doors open at their floor it was close to 2 am.

Emma jumped to her feet in an instant, just to stare right into Regina's blood shot eyes and her heart broke once again.

God, she had really screwed up this time.

There was so much pain radiating from the usually warm, brown eyes that she could barely hold Regina's gaze, but she had to.

And she had to say something before Regina would turn around and leave again, because Emma was sure that the brunette was just waiting for her to blink or anything.

Something that would give her reason to flee.

"Regina...can we...can we please talk?"

Emma felt like passing out right then and there, because her heart was racing at a pace that could not be healthy anymore.

At that Regina made a first, hesitant step towards her apartment, "There is nothing to talk about, Miss Swan. It's late and I'm tired."

Emma closed her eyes, because she felt like slapping herself.

Regina's reaction was in no way unexpected, but she had no idea what to do.

Or what to say.

Clearly she could not just blurt out that she was in love with Regina too, because at this point it would only make Regina run. She was sure about that.

And she was also well aware that one wrong word could in fact destroy everything.

"You don't understand..." she tried, "I...this is all...so messed up...one big misunderstanding...and...and I really...please, let me explain, Regina."

The brunette glared at her, furiously at that, but at least she had not left yet, "What is there to misunderstand? It's not like you said anything...but I assure you, Miss Swan...your silence spoke volumes. And now excuse me...I really need to get some sleep."

That said Regina started to walk to her apartment, but before she passed Emma the blonde's words brought her to a halt again, "Regina...you really don't understand...I mean how could you...you are right. I didn't say anything...and I shouldn't have run away...but I couldn't...it was all too much and I...I got scared, okay?"

"Scared?" Regina scoffed, "You sure you don't mean disgusted..."

Emma's eyes grew wide, she had been right, "What? Regina, no! I could never..."

Regina really did believe that, did she not? Of course she would assume something like that.

"Just forget I said anything to begin with", Regina commented with a sigh, "You are right...it's so messed up. So just forget it. You shouldn't have made me say it in the first place...I should not have let you provoke me either. I shouldn't have said anything, I never meant to...so, just let it go...and pretend it never happened...and then we can be friends again."

The brunette's words cut through her like a knife, each and every one hurting more than the one before and Emma dropped her head, "I can't. I can't forget...and I can't pretend either..."

"Why the hell not?" Regina snapped.

Looking up, right into the brunette's eyes once again Emma lost her courage completely. This was not the time and so she admitted defeated, knowing full well that it was a stupid move, but what else could she do? Revealing her feelings now would get her nowhere. Regina would probably think she would make fun of her or something and she could not live with that. "Because...I'm done pretending...I know you don't understand...and I also know that I owe you an explanation...but you clearly are not interested in hearing anything I have to say right now...so, go to sleep, Regina...I'm sorry for acting the way I did...I know it gave you a completely wrong impression...you're hurt...I get that. And it's my fault...again. I'm so sorry...good night, Regina."

She wanted nothing more than to grab the brunette, drag her into her apartment and make her listen, but Emma was aware that she was in no position to touch Regina at the moment. The brunette would probably freak out on her if she did and that would be a major set back, so she turned round instead, unlocked her door and slipped into her penthouse, a heavy sob escaping her lips when she closed said door behind her.

Regina headed towards her own apartment, dumbstruck by the blonde's broken appearance.

She had not been able to ignore Emma's heartbreaking sob, but she was so furious and worked up as well as hurting that she did not find it within herself to care.

She was about to put the key into the lock when it struck her – she was furious!

She was angry and she wanted that explanation.

She needed that explanation.

And that's why she turned on her heel and stormed back to the penthouse, just to knock only a few seconds later.


Emma hastily wiped the tears from her face and pulled the door open, not knowing what to expect.

Except for the fact that Regina had to be the one on the other side.

Without so much as a word the brunette entered the penthouse, her tense posture causing Emma to flinch.

"Do you want something to drink? Tea maybe?" Emma offered, careful not to invade the brunette's personal space.

Regina eyed Emma closely for a moment, "What I want is the truth. I think you owe me that."

The blonde gulped, but nodded, "I guess that's only fair."

So the moment had come after all. She had to tell. If only she could get herself to say it.

Where was her courage when she needed it?

"The truth is..." Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath, struggling for words.

There was no way out of this, now was there? No, there really was not. And Regina was right – she deserved to know.

"The truth is..." she looked straight at Regina, because she owed her that too, "The truth is...I'm in love with you too. I've been for a while now."

There.

She had said it and for a moment Emma felt proud.

But then she caught sight of Regina's face, which had paled considerably within a second and worry replaced every other feeling she might have had a moment ago.

"I need to sit down", was all the brunette said before she stumbled over to the couch to do just that.

Her fury, her anger gone.

As if somebody had wiped it away in one swift move.

Emma felt weak in the knees as well and followed suit, making sure to keep a safe distance from Regina, who seemed to be struggling to stay conscious at this point.

A heavy silence fell over them while the realization that they were in love with each other slowly sank in, burdening them in a way they would have never expected.

All this time they had thought they were miserable, because their feelings would not be reciprocrated. That they would have to deal with their pain and that would be it. That nothing would ever come from it.

Learning that their feelings for each other were mutual – well, that opened a new can of worms entirely.

And it left them both asking themselves one and the same question.

What now?

It was Regina who broke the silence in the end, "Why didn't you say anything?"

Her mind was still trying to wrap her head round Emma's confession, especially since she had been so sure that it was Ruby whom the blonde was in love with. Could it really be her?

Why would Emma like her? She was broken, she had done some really disgusting things in the past. She was not nearly good enough for Emma. Hell, she would never be – no matter how much she had changed.

"Are you kidding me?" Emma looked at her and chuckled, "I was scared out of my mind. That I would scare you to death...that you'd be disgusted or whatever. That you'd run for the hills. Remember when you accused me of only being nice to you because I wanted to get you into my bed? How on earth could I have risked saying something...when I knew it made you highly uncomfortable when women hit on you..."

Regina dropped her head in shame, "I'm sorry. I..."

"Don't worry about it. That's in the past...why didn't you tell me?" Emma asked expectantly.

"Me? How could I've told you? As you said...women hitting on me had me freak out all the time...and then...when I realized that I...that I have feelings for you...I was terrified...it took me a while to get used to the thought...that I had feelings for someone at all...and that it was a woman...and then that it was you...of all people...I mean...it's not a bad thing that it's just...but you are my friend and..." Regina shut her mouth, embarrased by her own rambling.

"I get it", Emma assured quickly, "That was the other reason why I never told you...besides the fact that I was so sure you could never feel the same. I thought...if I said anything...it would ruin our friendship..."

Regina nodded in understanding, "Sounds familiar...when Milah showed up...I...it hit me full force how much I care about you...and I lost my handle on my emotions completely...as you might have noticed."

She chuckled bitterly, ashamed of her own jeaoulsy.

Emma chuckled awkwardly as well, "I noticed, but I would have never expected that it was because you were...jealous or something. Well, at least not in that sense. I thought you were scared that I'd forget about our family and stuff...that I would replace you...which is absurdest idea...like ever...nothing or nobody can ever replace you."

Regina fell silent once again, because she did not know what to say. She had not the slightest idea what Emma could possibly see in her.

"I'm sorry for running off", the blonde admitted after a while and cleared her throat nervously.

"Then why did you?" Regina could not hide the hurt in her voice and Emma flinched, "I...uhm...I panicked? When you said that...you know...are in love...with me...in that moment...it was all too much. So many emotions crushed down on me...I was so relieved...and I felt joy...but there was also the desperation...the heartbreak I've battled with over the last few months...and so much more. I...I couldn't handle it and...I didn't know what to do...I was too...overwhelmed...to think...I guess. So I ran...I know that doesn't make it right...and I assume it made you feel pretty bad...sorry for that."

"It's alright...I...understand", Regina admitted, wondering how she would have had reacted if their roles would have been reversed. She might have fainted. Hell, she nearly passed out earlier when Emma had confessed that she had feelings for her too.

But the blonde shook her head vehemently, "It's not okay, Regina...what I did was stupid...I acted like a fool...again...when...when it hit me what I was doing I ran back...but you were gone...so I thought...you might be home...but you weren't. So I waited...and here we are."

"And here we are", Regina repeated with a sigh, "But the question is...what now?"

Emma shrugged helplessly.

She really did not know how to answer that.

Yes, they were in love with each other and while usually that would be a reason to celebrate, she was not sure if it was in this particular situation.

If it would be any other person she would pull them into her arms right now, maybe there even would be kissing.

But this was not any other person – this was Regina.

And with Regina everything was different.

Because Regina had this awful past and that made all of the above pretty much impossible right now.

They had hugged each other before, but this was a completely new situation and she had no clue where to go from here.

Well, that was not entirely true – Emma was very much aware that now that they had said it out loud, now that they had confessed their feelings for one another, they could not take it back.

So they could not go back to simply being friends either.

That was the thing with the truth after all.

It was like Pandora's box – once you open it you have to deal with the consequences.

"I just don't understand how you...how you could be interested in someone...like me", Regina whispered all of a sudden and the words hit Emma like a bucket of ice water.

She turned sideways, tempted to take Regina's hand, but not nearly brave enough to do so. At least she managed to meet the brunette's gaze and hold it, "Regina...you have to know that you deserve to be...loved. You do. I'm aware that you don't think too highly of yourself, but Regina...to me you are an outstanding woman...you are so brave and strong...and smart. You are also kind and loving. Caring. Compassionate. You're an amazing mother...and...don't freak out on me now...you're insanely beautiful as well...what's not to love about you?"

Regina ducked her head, but could not hide her blush, "I'm broken. I'm..."

"No, Regina. You are not broken", Emma insisted, "You have flaws, yes. We all have them. Nobody is perfect. And you've suffered a massive trauma...hell, more than one...and that causes you problems...but that's understandable...but you are not broken. You are still here...you're still fighting."

Silence spread in the penthouse once again and the tension rose with every second that ticked by.

Until Regina sighed heavily and then looked at Emma, sadness shining in her eyes, "I don't think I can do this. Being in a relationship I mean..."

And while she said it she watched Emma's heart break, while she said it she also felt her own breaking as well.

"Let's face it, Emma. There's more to a relationship than having dinner together and holding hands...there's the physical aspect...there's also the emotional aspect...and I'm not even sure if I can handle the feelings stuff...I don't even want to think about the rest..."

Emma could not stop herself from scooting closer to the brunette at that, "Regina, don't get me wrong...because I would never force anything on you...I hope you know that. But don't give up on this just yet...or say 'no' from the beginning, because you have doubts and fears. I have them too. I'm scared out of my mind, because I'm not really good with emotions either. It takes time to settle and adjust to changes...and...the physical aspect...there's no need to talk about that...or worry about that at this point...this is not about sex...this is about so much more...this is about us...and we've come so far since we've gotten to know each other...we hugged...we held hands...we even slept in the same bed together...all things you said you are not capable of...so, just give yourself the time to get comfortable with what you feel...and see were it leads us from there?"

Regina sighed again, "Emma, please listen to me...it means so much that you have so much respect for me...and you are right...we've come so far...but there's no guarantee that I will ever be able to have a halfway 'normal' relationship. The other day I freaked out on Killian although I trust him...and I know he would never harm me...and yet I totally snapped. Maybe I'll get to a point where I can kiss you or have you touch me without getting a heart attack or whatever...maybe not. But nobody's patience is endless...I'm not that naive...and you are not a nun. You have needs...hell, everyone has them...except if you are as damaged as me...that's nothing to be ashamed of...but that's a real issue for me...and not one that can be fixed easily...or fixed at all...because I just don't know that yet. I'm also not good at sharing as the recent events have proven...and I don't know if I can take the risk of trying...because let's say we date...and it goes well...and at some point we realize we'll never be able to move forward...because of me...don't you think we would be even more heartbroken then now? Besides then...we'd lose our friendship...and there's Henry to consider as well...because you said it yourself...there's no bigger committment than a child...and while you already are committed to us...it's still different when you are in a relationship..."

"I know", Emma whispered, "I know all that, Regina. And I admit that it was easier when I thought you would not reciprocrate my feelings...because I did not have to deal with all this...possibilities and risks...but the point is...I know now...and honestly...I can't go back to simply being friends knowing what could be...knowing that you are in love with me...can you?"

"I'm not sure", Regina admitted weakly, "I really don't know. But what I do know is that...we can save our friendship now...but if we take this further and fail...we might not be able to. And that terrifies me the most. Besides...Henry would never forgive us and you know that."

The blonde nodded, "I'm very well aware of that. Of all of it. I guess it's a good thing that I'm going to the cabin for a few days...it will give us time to think about the whole situation...about what we want and what we are willing to risk, what we are willing to do...just try to be open minded about this whole situation...can you...can you promise me that? To just think about it without being all pessimistic...that's all I'm asking."

"I can...try", Regina answered honestly before she got up, "But I really think I should go now...we both need some rest. All this talking has been draining."

"I agree. But see...that's another thing we've gotten better at...talking", Emma stated and gave Regina a small smile.

The brunette nodded and squeezed Emma's shoulder on her way out.

Only for a second, but it was a touch nonetheless.

And it made Emma wish even more that Regina would see reason.

Every relationship came with risks.

With the risks of failing at some point.

But of course Emma was also aware that Regina was right.

There were so many things to consider, especially when it came to Henry.

Her own issues after her relationship with Jade were a problem too if she was honest, but of course – the big obstacle was and would always be Regina's past and all the horrible things she had gone through.

And while they had managed to get over every obstacle so far even Emma had to admit that this was the one obstacle she herself was not sure they could get over.

She had been so convinced that they could make it work when Regina had entered the penthouse earlier, but now that she had listend to the brunette and her arguments, now that she knew about Regina's doubts and fears she was not so sure anymore.

Things had been utterly complicated lately and their friendship had barely survived it.

They were standing on thin ice right now.

What if they would risk too much?

What if they would lose it all?

What then?