A/N: Hello everyone!
First of all my apologies for the delay - I'm currently sick and the doc forced bedrest on me.
Well, not just bedrest...rest in general. Which is super boring, but what can you do.
I can't spent too much time in front of the computer at once either, because that gives my brain even more trouble.
Let me tell you - it sucks!
It's not the only reason for the late update though - I needed the time to put some things about the story into perspective for myself. While I had this chapter all planned out...I was unsure about where I wanted to go from there although the big picture works in my head.
Thanks to my best friend Kerstin, who took the time to listen to my rambling and helping me to clear my mind and find my vision for what will be crucial for this story.
Not in this chapter though.
Now that I have the imagine stuck in my head I will work towards it and I'm sure it will be fine.
The next chapter should be up by Saturday at the latest.
I'm sorry that I can't answer all your lovely reviews this time, but as I said...can't handle being in front of the computer for too long atm.
Please know that every single word was truly appreciated. Made my days so much better to read your reviews, learn about your reactions to the chapter and my writing in general.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to review! And thanks for taking the time to acompany me on this journey...it means so very much.
A friend of mine asked me what to expect from the next chapter (from this chapter)...and I told her to expect the worst...because than it can only get better.
Right?
You have to judge for yourself.
Anyway...have fun with this chapter. I came to truly enjoy writing it.
But then again people keep calling me a drama queen and a horrible tease. Which I can be. Just not always.
Hope everyone is well!
Much love,
raven xo
Ps: Oh right! Thanks to everyone who caught me on twitter lately. I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with the ones who did :)
TAKE ME TO WONDERLAND
Chapter 33
Regina paled visibly.
She feared that her knees would give out on her any second.
"Regina, we need to talk."
Fear was wrapping itself round her throat, choking her earlier optimismn and hope right out of her.
We need to talk – that phrase never meant anything good and everybody knew that.
Oh God...
Regina closed her eyes, battling against the tears.
She would not cry.
No matter what Emma would tell her.
She would not cry.
Emma's long absence should have told her everything to begin with.
How had she allowed herself to become so optimistic when Emma had not given her any indication that it could be warranted.
If anything Emma had shown her the cold shoulder – she had not called, had not written, had not come back as planned, but much later.
God, she was so naive...
"Regina, would you please sit down? You're making me nervous..." Emma's voice was small, pleading and the brunette could barely surpress the bitter chuckle which wanted to escape her lips.
She was making Emma nervous? It was more the other way round.
But she took a seat on the couch anyway, careful to put a safe distance between Emma and herself.
The blonde instantly scooted closer, which had Regina panic slightly, but before she could react Emma took her hand and squeezed it softly, "I need you to listen to me...and closely."
Regina felt frozen, unable to speak or even blink, but she managed to nod after a few seconds.
She heard Emma taking a deep breath and pressed her eyes shut firmly, awaiting what everyone would await after the 'We need to talk' phrase.
Namely the worst.
"I've been thinking and theorizing for a week...thinking about pros and cons, about reason, consequences and God knows what", Emma began, sounding as tired as she looked, "Needless to say it lead me to no real conclusion, but a bunch of sleepless nights. And I've been working out a lot...went for hikes and runs...to clear my mind..."
"And you forgot to eat properly", Regina interrupted, making it clear that Emma's poor appearance had not stayed unnoticed.
The blonde shrugged, "Yeah, I didn't pack enough food for a week...and I was too lazy to drive to the next town...to do some shopping...because I told myself every day that I would go back home."
"Why didn't you?" Regina asked, fully aware that the answer might break her. But she had to hear it nonetheless.
Emma dropped her head, "Because I didn't know what to tell you. I wasn't sure what I..."
"Do you know now?"
Regina held her breath.
Here goes nothing.
When Emma did not say anything Regina forced herself to look at the blonde, just to catch the desperation in Emma's eyes.
It startled her how small and fragile Emma looked in that moment, how terrified and it made Regina wonder if she had misjudged the situation.
It would not be the first time.
Clearly it was her turn to squeeze Emma's hand, to encourage the blonde to tell her what lasted so heavy on her heart.
And so she did just that.
Emma's grip on her hand tightened immediately, holding onto her like the lifeline they had been for each other time and time again over the months.
"I can't lose you, Regina."
It was barely a whisper, but it could not be overheard in the otherwise completely quiet room.
"I can't lose you and what we have", Emma continued, "But I can't go back to being friends either. Because I'm in love with you, Regina. And it hurts to know that you feel the same for me...but that our overthinking and theorizing might keep us apart..."
"Emma..." Regina started, but was interrupted by the blonde the same second, "Please, let me finish before I lose the courage..."
Emma waited for a moment and when the brunette did not say anything else she continued, "I know you are tempted to deny us this chance...but Regina...finding love has become rare these days...I know it's not going to be easy and there will be obstacles...and it might be hard at times...but I believe we can do it...together with Henry. We can become a real family...I know we can. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes...to help you...with your issues or whatever you need...I'll give you all the time in the world to get comfortable with whatever you want to do...each step at a time...no rush...no pressure...and we'll deal with the whole physical aspect once we are ready to cross that bridge."
Regina opened her mouth to say something, but Emma shook her head, "I know...I know...you might never be ready to cross that bridge. I'm aware of that...and if that happens...we'll find a solution for that too. Together. Because there's always a way...but I refuse to give up...on you...on us...without a fight. We can do it...and I think we owe it to Henry...to try. We can't teach him to run away from all the potentially good things in life because we are scared. And I know how scary this is, Regina. Believe me. I'm as scared as you are...I have a past too. Not as horrible as yours...but I had my fair share of heartbreak and loss...and I can't lose you. I just can't. What we have is special...hell, I'd even go so far to say it's unique...because truth be told...I've never felt like this before. We share a connection that goes way deeper than friendship or what most people have and you know it, Regina. I always ran from commitment...even back then when I was with Jade...the more I think about it...I wasn't ready then. Thank God too considering the circumstances...but the thing is...I am committed to you and Henry...to our family...and it's the first time that it doesn't feel like a burden, but a privilige. It feels like freedom. And I want it. And I want you...flaws, issues and all...I want it...because you are everything to me, Regina. You should know that by now...so I hope...I truly hope...that you are willing to risk it too...for us."
Regina sat there, stunned into silence.
Emma had rendered her speechless. Completely and utterly speechless.
For one because of Emma's words, which had blown her mind and touched her heart at the same time.
But also because Emma had seemed so convinced, so confident that they could make it work.
Emma truly believed in her, in them.
And in what they had, in what they could have.
Emma had been so brave and strong only a few seconds ago, but now she was sitting next to Regina, awaiting her decision, her "verdict" looking like a child driven by fear, Emma's eyes hoping and pleading, begging at the same time.
"I had my first appointment with Wendy Darling today", Regina admitted after debating what would be the right thing to say, "Killian gave me her number. And she agreed to work with me...to...get better."
"That's good."
Regina nodded, "It is. I could never afford therapy before...and I'm glad I finally got the chance...because I...I want...I want there to be an us too."
Emma's eyes went wide in realization, "You...you do?"
"I do."
And Regina pulled Emma right into her arms to prove it.
To the both of them.
And as soon as she wrapped her arms around the blonde Regina became aware that it felt different than before, because it was the first time that she had admitted openly what she wanted and that she was willing to work for it.
It felt different, because it was the first time that Regina hugged Emma as the woman she was in love with, the woman she could imagine having a future with.
At least that was what she wanted and from what Emma had told her the blonde wanted that too.
Now they only had to find a way to make it happen.
But if their embrace showed her one thing it was that they were stronger than ever.
Together.
Regina had suggested that Emma should take a nap while she would cook them some dinner and although the blonde had wanted to argue at first Regina had managed to convince her without much of a discussion.
It had not even taken two minutes and Emma had been asleep anyway.
Cooking had turned out to be a challenge and that had been a total first, but Regina had caught herself watching Emma sleep on her couch every other minute.
She had felt the urge to make sure the blonde was comfortable which she had seemed to be if the peaceful expression on Emma's face had been any indication at all.
Now that dinner was ready Regina hesitated to wake Emma though.
Truth be told she was worried, because Emma had worked herself into the ground while she had been at the cabin.
Regina was well aware that Emma was not good at dealing with loss, simply because she had lost too many people already, but the fear of losing her and Henry had taken quit a toll on Emma and Regina felt an irrational amount of guilt.
They had to figure things out on their own and they had, but it had ripped Emma apart.
All this time Emma had been considerate of her situation, her issues. All this time Emma had held back and had suffered in silence, because her happiness had been Emma's priority.
It was about time that she got over herself and gave something back.
Emma would never do anything to hurt her.
At least not on purpose.
But she would never harm her, not like her mother had.
Or Daniel.
Emma would never beat her or force herself on her – that Regina was sure of.
And that gave her the confidence to figure something out to help Emma sleep. To make Emma see that she would not go anywhere.
But first Emma needed to eat something.
Emma woke up to the smell of home made pasta and grilled cheese sandwiches.
And to Regina smiling down on her.
It made her heart flutter in the best of ways and she was on her feet only a few seconds later, because truth be told – she was starving.
As soon as they were seated there was nothing that could have stopped her from digging in, she had not been that hungry in forever.
It must have amused Regina to no end, because the brunette kept chuckling throughout dinner, smiling happily at Emma's attempts of slowing down her eating, but failing miserably.
"I hope Tamo-tsu was not too much trouble?" Emma asked between bites and Regina nodded, "He was on his best behavior. He's with Killian at the moment, because I left the location early for my appointment with Wendy Darling. He should bring him by soon though."
"Without make up I would hope...because I don't have the nerve to bathe the fur monster tonight", Emma commented and started to laugh at her own ridiculous idea.
"Well, maybe he is wearing a tiara...because I think Killian suggested to take care of Tamo-tsu to impress the wedding planner in the first place", Regina answered chuckling.
"Wedding planner? What wedding planner?" Emma asked in confusion.
"It appears that Graham made arrangements for Mary Margaret and David as well. He convinced a friend to plan their wedding...a Neal Cassidy if I remember correctly", Regina explained carefully.
"You're kidding me! Neal Cassidy?! He's the best freaking wedding planner I've ever heard of...Mary Margaret was trying so hard to hire him, but not a chance...Graham, that sneaky bastard...she might faint if she hears the news...I hope I'll be there to see her reaction...it will be priceless...", Emma admitted sheepishly and it was the first time she thought about Graham without that sadness that usually hit her.
Sure, she was missing him still, but she had gotten to a place of acceptance by now.
She had come to understand why he had done what he had done and she had mourned his death, but she was not angry anymore.
And she had decided to keep his memory high, to smile instead of crying because of all the good memories they had made together over the years.
She was grateful that he had been a part of her life at all, because she did not know where she would be today if their paths had not crossed all this years ago.
"Killian said he wants to introduce him over dinner on Sunday...once the campers are back. By the way...Henry called earlier today and said they were having a fabulous time", Regina informed the blonde, who nodded in agreement, "I think that's a great idea. So why would Killian need to impress that famous Mister Cassidy?"
Regina shrugged, "No idea...it's just some sort of a feeling."
"Uh huh..."
There was a knock on Regina's door only a few moments later and as soon as she pulled said door open the dog in question stormed into the apartment, almost knocking Emma over in the process.
"Hello, my beautiful boy...I missed you too", Emma announced under giggles, watching the dog jump up and down the couch in excitement.
"Look who found her way home..." Killian said and stepped forward to hug Emma while Regina petted Tamotsu on the head.
"It's good to see you, Killian."
Emma was truly happy to see her friend, especially since they had not spent too much time together lately, "Care to meet me for lunch tomorrow?"
"Only if you get a decent amount of sleep before that...because you look like you need it, darling", he commented with a raised eyebrow.
"I will."
"Very well. Pick me up around one then. I'll text you the address in the morning", Killian agreed with a smile.
"See you tomorrow", Emma replied, smiling as well.
"I'll leave you to your evening then, ladies. I'm sure you have some catching up to do..."
He hugged both of them quickly and was gone before either of them could have invited him to stay for a drink.
"I should probably go and take a shower", Emma started to head for the door herself, but Regina grabbed her hand and held her back, "Or you can shower here and we talk some more afterwards."
"Uhm...are you sure? I can go to my place and come back afterwards too?" Emma suggested, feeling a little helpless.
Regina shook her head, "Nonsense. How many times did you let me stay at your place although I'm just living next door. You might as well use my bathroom. Towels are in the cupboard and I'll get you something to change into. I'll be back in a second."
Emma sat there, stunned by the brunette's reaction, but before she could question it Regina was back, a dark blue tank top and black yoga pants in hand.
Regina had taken a quick shower as well once Emma had returned from the bathroom.
While the water was pouring over her body Regina debatted whether it was the right move to have Emma stay, but she knew overthinking the situation would only drive her crazy as usual.
If she was honest she had not been ready to let Emma go again, even if only a wall would have separated them.
She needed to know that Emma was here for good as much as Emma needed the reassurance from Regina.
When she returned to the living room she found the blonde lying on her back on the couch, Tamotsu curled up at her feet, his head resting on her lower legs and Regina had to smile.
It was so good to have Emma back, especially now that they finally were on the same page.
Had taken them long enough.
Emma wanted to sit up when she caught sight of her, but Regina gestured for her to stay where she was and grabbed the blanket which was hanging over the backrest.
She took one last breath, reminding herself that this was Emma.
That this was the person who deserved her trust, that this was the person she was in love with and who was in love with her just as much.
No game, no joke, no trap.
This was honest and true.
And real.
That thought in mind Regina lay down next to Emma, covered them both with the blanket before she wrapped her arm around the blonde's waist to pull herself closer.
Once they were side by side Regina put her head on Emma's shoulder as well.
Emma seemed to be a bit tense, unsure of what to make of the situation and it showed Regina once more that the blonde would never rush anything when it came to her.
It gave her a feeling of safety, made her feel treasured in a way she had never experienced before and it put a smile on her face.
"I won't bolt...I promise", Regina said confidently and although she could not see Emma's face she knew that the blonde was smiling as well.
This was a first step in the right direction.
It was their beginning.
And both of them were aware of that.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Emma asked carefully.
"Well, where do we go from here? What do you think works for the both of us?" Regina wanted to know, more nervous than she cared to admit.
Emma seemed to give the question some serious thought and it took a few minutes before she answered, "I suggest we take things slow. Really slow. You set the pace. Whatever feels good for you we'll do. Personally I think it would be nice to start with doing things together...with Henry. But also only the two of us on occasion...going out, having dinner together or whatever you want to do."
"Like going on dates?"
"Not exactly. I don't think you're ready for an actual date yet. But we'll get there...in time. For now I think we should try to get to know each other...not just as friends, but as two people who are in love. Get an even better understanding for each other...check out likes and dislikes...figure out where we want this to go...get comfortable with the idea of an us. There's no point in pressuring yourself into something you might not be ready for yet. Sounds good?"
"Sounds perfect. But if you ever get tired of my snail's pace you let me know, okay?" Regina moved her head up to catch a glimpse at Emma's face.
"I'll never get tired of spending time with you, Regina. No matter the pace. But if I have a problem with something...I'll let you know. I expect the same from you too."
"I can do that. I think communication will be a really important thing for us...which reminds me...Wendy Darling suggested that you might join me in my sessions...sometimes. Not right now, but at a later point...she thinks it would be good for the both of us...only if you want to of course", Regina was not sure about Emma's reaction. It was not the usual procedure after all. Acompanying your potential girlfriend to the psychiatrist to fight the demons of her past.
"Whatever you want. If you think it could help you I'll be there. Just tell me when..."
There was no hesitation in Emma's voice, just warmth. And an offer of support.
Regina let out the breath she had been holding, another smile appearing on her face and she let her head drop to Emma's shoulder again.
This time the blonde wrapped her own arm round Regina's shoulders in a loose embrace as well, causing Regina's smile to grow even wider.
It felt sensational to be held by someone.
Well, not quite someone.
It felt sensational to be held by Emma Swan, because the blonde was the only one who could make her feel so warm and safe.
Protected and cared for.
Respected and loved.
Only Emma could make her feel so much more than that too.
"Good night, Emma."
"Good night, Regina."
It was then that Regina felt the blonde's lips on her forehead.
Only for a second and in the most gentle of ways, but the gesture had not stayed unnoticed anyway.
It was also that moment that Regina realized how much she had needed that small sign of devotion, which was such a big step for the both of them.
They were moving forward.
Slowly.
Step by step.
But they did it together.
There was no more question if there would be an us for them.
There already was.
And it felt amazing.
