Hey people!
Here is a new chapter.
Usual warnings apply but just in case: mentions of drama and personal trauma. This is a somewhat emotional chapter - be warned.
As always, a massive THANK YOU to White-Witch-Sakura, my amazing beta. And to all of you for your support and love1
Enjoy!
Chapter 7
[no time skip at all]
Naruto sighed as he opened his eyes. He wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. Not after reliving the war in his father's office just hours earlier. His chest hurt just thinking about the debrief. It had taken all of his self-control not to break down in front of his father, Kakashi and Jiraiya. He had hated telling them about his life. His other life. His worst life. The sheer pain he could see in their eyes would have broken him twice over here, before merging his soul paths. Reliving the things he had told them, and all the things he had not, had been gut-wrenchingly agonizing.
Next to him, Pakkun opened one eye and looked at him. The other members of the pack were all sprawled around his room, some lightly asleep, most just feigning it. Naruto smiled a sad little smile as he took them in. Kakashi had sent them out to him a few hours before. Their presence had been a welcomed and soothing balm.
The young man absently scratched the pug's ear as he thought back on other times Kakashi's pack had comforted him. Vague images of laughing piles of fur came to his mind as he opened himself to this life's memories. Kakashi's soft laugh would mix with the sounds more often than not.
Naruto's throat tightened. His brother had been so happy here.
"-He is.
-I said that out loud, didn't I?"
Pakkun didn't answer. The dog was fully alert now. They all were. Even Bull, who'd been lightly snoring just before, was awake. They were all looking at Naruto, worry obvious in their eyes. Urushi's wet nose touched his hand, nudging him in a comforting gesture.
"-You're hurting, pup.
-I am.
-You're not pup anymore though, are you?" asked Pakkun.
Naruto silently looked at him, then at all of them.
"-No, I'm not."
A sad keen came from one of the dogs at his admission but they all straightened up and came to sit in front of him. Naruto was reminded of the way they would patiently wait for Kakashi's orders.
The pack, simply there.
This was suddenly all too much. It was more than Naruto could handle after the conversation in the office.
Never again would the pack be seated in front of their masked leader as they were now, supporting him through everything. Never again would they wait for his orders.
The pain of losing Kakashi slammed into Naruto and overwhelmed him. He couldn't stay in this room. Not with Kakashi's beating heart on the other side of the wall. Not with his pack looking wearily at him, stronger by two members he hadn't seen in years, buried under piles of burning rocks to save a team of Kumo and Kiri chuunin.
Naruto's lungs contracted as air refused to fill them. He needed to get out. The room was stifling. He needed to leave.
He was out of the window before Pakkun could stop him.
Outside, evening was falling. People in the streets were casually walking home or going out for a meal. The air was clean and sweet.
This was too much. Too much life, too many people. Just too much.
Naruto could feel his body instinctually react to his stress, his muscles answering before he could fully process the move, the agony burning in his bones, his fingers twitching around blades he wasn't carrying.
He clenched his jaws and his fists. He needed to get a grip.
He couldn't stay in the streets. Right now, he couldn't handle so many strangers around him, so many houses standing. He moved to the shadows, soothed by their familiarity, absorbing it.
His feet took him to the edge of the village, guided by the calming presence of the forest, feeling it resonate with something deep inside of him. The air was cooler here. He kept going until he couldn't hear the noises of the village anymore. The quiet of the woods blanketed the area.
He put both hands on the trunk of a tall tree and focused on the hard bark, head lowered. His breathing was too fast. He closed his eyes and concentrated on slowing it down.
He felt a tendril of coldness slither up his ankle. His mind latched onto the feeling, letting it guide him back to himself.
Oh, how good it was to feel this cool softness on his skin. How long had it been?
Just as he managed to bring his breathing back to normal, the tendril started to draw back.
"-Don't!" Naruto kept his eyes closed and his hands on the tree trunk. "Please don't let go."
He could hear the pleading in his voice.
Without a sound, the coldness grabbed back onto him and lightly squeezed his ankle, grounding him in a firm grip. He felt another tendril touch his other leg and slither up his body until it rested at the back of his neck and the base of his skull, mimicking the feeling and the weight of a comforting hand.
For a long moment Naruto didn't move and simply focused on the feeling of the falling night creeping through the forest and the cold hands on him. Once the sun was completely gone, he opened his eyes to the darkness and took a deep breath.
"-I didn't realized how much I missed this.
-Shit day, uh?"
Shikamaru slowly walked towards Naruto, taking his relaxing frame as the sign that he could get closer. Naruto's eyes focused on the tall man with an intensity that pierced the night.
"-Shit month, really.
-Troublesome. Come on, dinner should be ready."
Shikamaru turned around and started walking towards the edge of the Nara forest. Naruto hesitated, reluctant to find himself in such a comfortable setting as the Nara dinner was sure to be. The choice was taken out of his hands when Shikamaru's shadow tugged on his ankle and neck. He followed him silently.
Inside his chest, his heart was beating a crazy staccato. He should have realized his feet would carry him here. He should have realized he was searching for Shikamaru's soothing presence. He shouldn't have come here. Not today, not when he was feeling so raw.
He had been relying on Shikamaru for years on and off the battlefield. The Nara had become such a strong and constant figure in his life. Shikamaru and Kakashi had been his rocks. While Sakura had been his lifeline, keeping his head above water, both men had been there to support him in his decisions and strategies. Without them, he would not have been able to carry Konoha's men and women through the war. Sending him away after Choji's death a year before had been one of the hardest decisions Naruto had had to take during the war. Not for the well being of the village, or their friends'. But for himself. Now, so soon after losing Kakashi, Naruto had needed Shikamaru's quiet support like air to breathe without even realizing it.
Seeing his friend walking on two legs, no darkness seeping through his skin other than the tendrils of shadow still attached to Naruto's body, felt surreal. Through the years at war, Shikamaru had literally become a shadow of himself, always half melting into the darkness his clan was famous for using. All the Nara – the surviving ones at least – had developed a darkness about them fitting for the times.
But this was not his Shikamaru. This was not his friend from the war. Naruto couldn't break now. This Shikamaru would not understand. This Shikamaru was untainted by that war. Naruto could feel it in the refreshing coolness of the obscurity, so quaint after so many years of suffocating darkness.
Yet, Shikamaru's current lightness felt so familiar. Like a sip of cool water on a hot day, like the first ray of sunshine after a storm. This was how Shikamaru was supposed to be.
Naruto could instinctually feel Shikamaru held a place of great importance for him on this path. HE had no doubt about it. But he was not ready to look into things any further. Not today. He had no strength left in him for that. Today, he would just power through it, and take solace in his friend's presence. Because no matter how close to his breaking point seeing Shikamaru brought him, walking away now was beyond what he could still give today.
Too numbed by the day's emotions, Naruto simply followed his friend to his family house. He was very familiar with the Nara compound, where he had spent most of his time mourning Jiraiya. He consciously pushed away the thoughts the sights brought up. Completely focused on the mix of feelings the place brought him instead – peace, sadness, melancholy and kinship – he only noticed they'd arrived when the smells of food wafted over to him from the kitchen.
"-Naru, is that you?" came Yoshino's voice.
The woman didn't give him time to answer as she came out of the kitchen and engulfed him in a hug. Taken off guard Naruto stiffened at the contact, his skin ablaze with a fresh wave of agony. His smile was strained when she pulled away and looked at him. She frowned.
"-You are staying for dinner, right?
-Well~
-He is," Shikamaru interrupted while pushing Naruto further into the house he still shared with his parents.
Yoshino told them to be in the dining room in about twenty minutes. The dark hair man navigated them until them were both seated on the patio facing the garden and the forest on the other side of the house. This was a part of the property Naruto had always liked in his other life. He would come here and hide from the rest of the village, trying to eat his half of a popsicle. The other half would often melt away into the grass under the patio at first, until one day Shikamaru grumbled about wasting a good treat and taken the other half from Naruto's hand. He had brought it to his mouth slowly, giving Naruto ample time to protest the move. He never did. They had kept the ritual, and somehow, Shikamaru's popsicle never had time to start melting.
Shikamaru stood back up and went to grab them each a cup of chilled rice wine. He sat back down and lit a cigarette.
"-You are staying for dinner, right?' he asked in a tone that betrayed his slight hesitation.
Naruto chuckled halfheartedly.
"-Your mom is not letting me leave until she's fed me."
Shikamaru shrugged. There was no point answering what they both knew was the truth.
"-Heard your mission went south," Shikamaru asked in a deceptively disinterested tone.
Naruto turned his gaze away from the forest to look at his friend. The other man was seated casually, eyes on the dark trees a few yards away.
"-Been at headquarters?" he asked back.
"-Bumped into Panther a few days ago. Was on his way to the med wing.
-Good.
-Mentioned something about not being the only one needing it."
Naruto fought a shiver as lava pulsed in his guts.
"-It'll be healed quick enough.
-There was no mention of a medical check in your report," came the gruff voice of Shikaku Nara, slightly accusing for who didn't know the man.
Naruto stayed seated as he nodded at his friend's dad.
"-Commander." He immediately realized his mistake when the older man's eyes narrowed. "Oyaji, long time no see," he backtracked quickly.
He didn't miss the glance between father and son. Shikaku nodded back at him and smiled before turning around and back towards the hallway.
"-I'll let Yoshino know you'll be eating on the patio."
Naruto held his sigh in until he had left.
"-That bad, uh?" Shikamaru asked as he exhaled the smoke of his cigarette. "Commandering him three days after reporting in."
Naruto wordlessly extended his hand and snatched the cigarette out of his friend's hand. He took a long drag from it and held the smoke in for a few seconds. He was a lot more wound up than he thought.
The truth was that Naruto had never called him any other way than 'commander'. He'd never known the man as anything else. Shikaku had been dead for years on his other path. Even if he had spent a lot of time at the clan compound after Jiraiya's death, war had already been brewing, and the jounin commander had often been too busy to spend time with them other than in passing. Seeing him here now, in the compound, casually checking in on them like he used to had lulled Naruto back into old habits.
The word had felt surprisingly unfamiliar on his tongue. He understood without having to ask that it was a rare thing for him to use Shikaku's official title on this path. No doubt both Nara had noticed his slip-up and understood how upset he was.
Naruto almost scoffed. As if having a full out meltdown in the forest wasn't indication enough.
Naruto suddenly realized his friend's shadow was still loosely circling his ankle. He looked up at him. The slightly taller man was studying him. Naruto tried to smile.
"-You can let go now."
He felt the cool darkness lightly squeeze his ankle one last time before it slid away form his skin and retracted to its master's shape. He addressed his friend again after a few seconds of silence.
"-Thank you, Shika. In the woods. I needed it."
Shikamaru motioned for him to keep his cigarette when Naruto moved to give it back after puffing on it one more time. He untied his hair and let the dark locks fall down on his shoulders. He lifted his cup to his lips and drank the last of his rice wine.
"-You know it's no trouble."
Naruto let a puff of air out in a tentative chuckle. He pulled on the cigarette again.
"-You wanna talk about it?" Shikamaru asked while looking out to the woods.
Naruto kept silent as he stubbed out the cigarette butt in the ashtray on the table. He gracefully stood up.
"-I'm gonna grab the food."
He took advantage of being alone in the hallway for a few meters and braced himself. He needed to pull himself together before entering the kitchen. When he walked in, he smiled at both older Nara and thanked Yoshino for the food. He prepared a tray with plates and bowls of food for the two of them, and left the room a few minutes later, trying hard not to cringe at his own lackluster performance. He could feel their gaze on him until he turned into the hallway.
Shikamaru didn't comment on the unusual lack of meat on his plate and they both ate the delicious food in silence. Naruto found himself slowly relaxing and eating more than his previously twisted stomach would have suggested. Soon he felt calm enough to engage in conversation. Shikamaru very skillfully kept the topic light and told him about the village's life while he was away on his mission.
Despite the easy going meal, Naruto could feel the underlying tension he gave off. He was still rattled from his day. Although he sent him a few worried glances, Shikamaru didn't pry. When they were both finished with the food, the shadow user took it upon himself to gather their plates and bring the tray back to the kitchen.
Naruto smoothly stood up and padded, barefoot, to the garden. He sat on one of the boulders at the edge of the woods. He closed his eyes and took deep calming breaths. The food sat uncomfortably in his stomach and he was glad he hadn't tried to eat any earlier in the day.
Shikamaru joined him after a short while, extending a cup of warm sake out to him. Naruto gladly accepted and took a sip from it, closing his eyes again as he followed the heat of the drink down his throat. The silence between the friends was filled with the nighttime noises of the forest.
"-My mission went south," Naruto agreed softly with Shikamaru's earlier sentence. "Panther was part of the team who retrieved me at the barrier."
Shikamaru said nothing as his mind quickly read between the lines. 'Panther' and 'the team' meant the Hokage himself had gone to meet his son on his way back. That hinted at highly sensitive information. Not something Naruto would be at liberty to discuss openly. The Nara easily accepted.
"-Fluffy?
-The seal is out."
Shikamaru softly swore under his breath. No wonder Naruto was on edge if there was a problem with the seal.
"-It's stable though," the blonde added. "I can fix it easily enough once my chakra is back to normal. It's a little off at the moment.
-I noticed.
-Yeah, so there's that."
And really, that was all there was to it. Shikamaru understood just how much such a situation could affect him. And Naruto was perfectly happy to use that as his excuse tonight. He knew the genius would be able to see and feel that there was more to it than what Naruto had just hinted at, but he also would understand he couldn't or couldn't speak about it for the time being.
Naruto's relieved sigh at his friend's silent acceptance was like opening a valve. His shoulders dropped under the invisible weight of the day. His face let go of the grimace he was unsuccessfully trying to pass off as a relaxed expression, and revealed a fatigue and pain like Shikamaru had never seen on his friend's usual happy face. His bright blue eyes dulled with unshed, pulsing sadness. The eyes caught Shikamaru's.
"-I'm so tired, Shika,"
The voice, soft and barely above a murmur, vibrated with so much more than his obvious physical state. For a moment, Naruto looked about to shatter.
Not willing to see if he would, Shikamaru grabbed his hand in one of his. The other came up and grabbed Naruto's neck, fingers into the soft hair at the back of his head. The hand on his neck tugged Naruto's head forward gently until he could feel Shikamaru's soft and warm lips on his forehead.
His eyes widened. The touch electrified him, rooting him in place. The soft lips stayed a moment longer, searing his skin with their barely there presence. He felt them press a kiss on his brow before they pulled away.
The whole thing had only taken a few seconds, yet Naruto felt like time had stopped. His heart felt like it would burst out of his chest while his stomach had lodged itself in his throat. A shiver went down his spine and he felt a pang in his chest at the loss of contact that surprised him. He felt his cheeks start to heat up.
Shikamaru took a step back and pulled on Naruto's hand, still firmly held in his. The lazy ninja's face was understanding and held an unusual softness.
"-Come on," he said in his low voice, "we're going to bed."
Heart racing and thoughts completely frozen, Naruto let the solid warmth in his hand guide him to a spacious and cosy room he felt like he knew about as well as his own. Shikamaru's earthy smell permeated the air, and Naruto was not surprised to be surrounded by it when he let himself gently be pushed onto the big bed while Shikamaru went to close the window.
The dark hair man casually changed into a pair of boxers and a large t-shirt, throwing a clean pair of the same items to Naruto. He dazedly picked them up and gestured towards the door.
"-Can I?
-Suit yourself."
Naruto stood back up and let his feet carry him to the bathroom. He automatically turned the shower on and stepped inside. He relished the contact of the cold water on his skin, letting the tingles caused by the low temperature to ground him. This was familiar, this was normal. He didn't turn the hot water on.
His hand absently came up to touch his brow where Shikamaru had kissed him. He felt his throat close up, suddenly overwhelmed by the events of the day.
He turned the cold water off and patted himself dry with a clean towel he knew was his. He put on the sleeping wear and leaned over the sink, hands on each side of it. His hands. His scar-less hands. He couldn't take his eyes away from the perfectly smooth back of his hands.
By the end of the war, Kurama had stopped healing the smaller wounds. There was no point to it. Naruto couldn't feel them anymore and whether because of his training or the fighting, he was getting them faster than Kurama could heal them.
Staring at the unmarked skin of his hands, Naruto felt the bile rise in his throat and moved in time to reach the toilet. He rode his heaving with the resignation of habit, hands barely shaking but throat burning and ripped apart again. When his stomach was completely empty, he flushed and washed his mouth at the sink.
"-Get your shit together, Uzumaki," he snarled, keeping his eyes away from the mirror in front of him.
He splashed some water on his face and brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush he knew he'd find in the left drawer by the sink. By the time he was done he felt enough in control of himself that he walked back to the room.
Shikamaru's face left him no doubt that he had heard his heaving a few minutes before. Fortunately, the smoking man remained silent, simply puffing up his pillow and clicking his tongue at Naruto.
"-Get in here, you look like shit."
Naruto, feeling his exhaustion in his bones, literally, turned the light off and climbed into bed. Shikamaru's smell invaded his nose as he settled down on his back.
"-Shit," Shikamaru swore softly, "you're a mess."
Long dark hair covering his pillow, Shikamaru turned his back to Naruto. The familiarity of the move immediately relaxed him: on the field, back to back was the safest way to sleep, always looking out for what could be coming. The soft noise of Shikamaru's beating heart resonated in Naruto's sharp ears. He inhaled deeply.
The smell brought up a myriad of images. Flashes of memories invaded his mind. Images of laughing smiles and knowing looks, hands clapped for a mission well done, bickering for the last piece of meat at a restaurant, chasing away after butterflies and trying to ride deers. Growing up and the unwavering image of a back to protect, shoulders to lean on. A battle in the snow in a far away land, and words whispered in the dark of night. Pale skin on golden tan, soft lips and feather kisses. Knocks on doors and welcoming arms. Quick contacts and tensions released. Jutsus and grins over a green training field.
Confusion and surprise rose faster and faster.
Suddenly Naruto couldn't breathe. The person next to him was so precious.
Flashes of skin became splattered with blood in his mind. The laughing voice became shouts and yells, orders carrying over a battlefield. Snow became ash.
A warm hand gripped his, squeezing it with bruising force.
"-You're fine, you're here."
Cold shadows sliding over his skin, blanketing him in a cool embrace, pushing him down just hard enough to become conscious of his own weight on the mattress.
"-Shika?" a question, asked in a voice soft as the flutter of a wing.
"-I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
Naruto gripped Shikamaru's hand in both of his, anchoring himself around the heat radiating from it. A feeling of profound familiarity washed over him.
That familiarity, more than anything, grounded him in this bed, in this room. He was not on a battlefield. He was home, he as safe. His friend was safe. There. Whole.
Naruto closed his eyes and breathed Shikamaru's smell in, letting it coat his tongue and his mind.
This was all right. Whatever they were in this life, Shikamaru was one of his precious people. Naruto would worry later about what it all meant. About what was and what could have been. About this life and another, a life where possibilities and been taken away, where everything that could have gone wrong did.
Breathing slowly and blanketed in the knowledge that whatever might come, tonight his friend, his precious person was there, next to him, safe and sound, Naruto finally let himself fall asleep, exhausted by the day.
