I guess this is helping me out somewhat…
Um. Hey again. Sorry if this is getting ridiculous (it already is but…just let me have this). And that this accidentally turned into me venting to you about all the crap going down in my life. But I really don't think I can really…talk to any of my friends about this. Or at least, just Grove and Cranberry. They'd lose it if they knew what happened today, and I really don't want either of them getting hurt.
I'm really not sure how to explain this, but…I think mom and dad disowned me? Technically? I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it's probably them still being angry that I tried to stop the ceremony. That I can understand, but why didn't they do it sooner? I'm an adult…legally speaking, anyways…and I've been trying to distance myself from them.
And I mean, all I really did was go over to check on Bluebell? I'm not sure how that was the thing I did that went too far.
But there was a lot of yelling before I could check on her. Specifically at me. There was a lot of variations of "why can't you just keep out of your sisters lives like you did before" and "we have the situation under control." And then they kicked me out and told me that I didn't deserve to be a part of a family if I couldn't respect their boundaries.
I guess it was bound to happen at some point. But why can't I stop crying about it? I shouldn't care about what they think, but…
Is this somewhat like the feeling you got when you were sacrificed? Did you feel like everyone wanted you gone when it happened? Did you feel like no one cared? Moons, if only I had managed to stop mom and dad…if only I was a better sister. I really did care about you, Wren. I still do. I'm just…really awful at this family stuff, I guess. It's been really exhausting, more than usual at this rate. I could barely get along with Camellia back when we were young…that doesn't excuse it, but I guess it makes sense. I really wish I had tried to show that I cared better. Especially to you.
I haven't told any of the others about it. Our other siblings, I mean. Bluebell doesn't know, I'm pretty sure. I'm growing more concerned with her by the second - especially since I'm not allowed near our house any more. Maybe I'll try to see if I can catch her while she's taking a walk. Leaf has been too preoccupied with dragonmancer tasks lately, or has been going off to train by himself. I'm still really worried about him, too - he only really talks to me when I prompt a conversation (he's been doing this with my other friends, too). Mallow and Camellia have been doing their own thing lately, so I wouldn't doubt they know anything. Neither of them will probably speak to me either, so I'm not going to try telling them…
This whole thing is my fault, none of it would be happening if I had just…been a better sister. Or if I had hid the book better? Or…if I had just not ratted you out? Maybe it's what should've happened. I know you didn't deserve being sacrificed. Not one bit. It should've been me, if anyone at all.
Moons, I really need to stop crying about this, or else I'll end up soiling this paper…but anyways. I need to finish this letter up before Grove or Cranberry comes in, or hell, even Thyme or Mushroom at this point…I don't really want them seeing me like this.
Your horrible older sister, Rowan
