Thanks to reviewers: Mikaceous.
Chapter 3: A Choice to Mend
"Why did Lichenfur name you Twistedbriar?" Halfshine meowed.
Having just left his naming ceremony with the glow of the Moonstone in his eyes and whispers of StarClan in his ears, Halfshine realized the former WindClan medicine cat could have named Twistedbriar any other name during her own ceremony.
He looked down at his mentor. She hobbled across the grass. One of her back legs was a nub, the end furless and hardened. The rest of her lower limbs were twisted inward and shriveled. The dark gray she-cat said she'd wished her other limbs would all fall off as it would be easier than dragging them uselessly about, but although bent and shriveled, there was too much vitality in the grotesque limbs.
To Halfshine, Twistedbriar was beautiful: her dark gray fur crisscrossed by darker stripes as though they were vines. If not for the disability she'd been born with as a kit, she would have been sought after by every tom. Twistedbriar had never be able to run and had often fought illness when her limbs grew infected or her lungs filled with fluid. According to Twistedbriar, she'd lived her whole life in the medicine cat den.
Twistedbriar was panting. Halfshine slowed his step so she would not struggle for breath. It would take another half-day to get home, long after the other medicine cats had, but Halfshine did not mind.
"Let's rest here," Twistedbriar panted. They paused, not yet at the Thunderpath as they rested in the shade of a twoleg fence.
"My mother named me Twistedkit at my birth," Twistedbriar meowed when she recovered her voice. "Perhaps she did not expect me to live long. She was bitter by the death of my siblings and resented that I was the only one to live. The deformed one. Lichenfur told me she choose for me to keep the name, not to remind me of why my mother cruelly given me the name she did, but to tell me I was like the briar bush around the nursery. I was a protector, a defender. I may not move fast or far, but I have a bite if one does not tread carefully. Lichenfur taught me much more than just herbs, Halfshine. She taught me forgiveness."
"I wish I had known her better," Halfshine meowed. He had only been a kit when she died, but he remembered the old brown and gray she-cat tending to his mother, Archfang, before her death.
Lichenfur couldn't do much to ease the she-cat's passing. It had been miserable, agonizing, and far too long for the Clan to watch Archfang's suffering. Halfshine had avoided the medicine den as much as possible after his mother's death, not thinking about being a medicine cat until after Lichenfur died. When Twistedbriar struggled alone in simple tasks, he felt an overwhelming need to stop her struggles. He could help her.
The rest was history. He left his warrior mentor and joined Twistedbriar in the medicine cat den, the extra paws she desperately needed.
"She would have been the mentor you deserved," Twistedbriar meowed. "Not like me."
"Twistedbriar, I—"
"There are so many things she could have done better than me, things I can't. When you become a mentor, Halfshine, you'll understand."
"You've taught me everything," Halfshine protested. "You've been the best mentor I've had. I don't want anyone else."
She smiled at him. "Whoever your apprentice is, they will look up to you like you hold the stars in your paws. It will terrify you beyond anything you've ever known. I just hope I really did teach you everything, because one day, I won't be here. The Clan will rely on you."
-Line-
Bravepaw's paws ached. Today had been her first time out of camp since her kithood. It was no wonder her paws hurt: She'd walked patrol partway around the WindClan territory, and then to Halfshine's garden, before running to the Sandy Hill where she'd rushed into a compromised tunnel, soft from the thaw of newleaf to try and save her sister, only to doom herself and her mentor.
She'd attacked the loose soil in front of her, which only destabilized the already shaky ceiling above them. It collapsed. sending it falling all round them. Bravepaw and Halfshine were unable to reach Hedgepaw and Newfang, and couldn't go back to the surface because of the new-fallen dirt blocking their path. Bravepaw didn't even know if the rock that had originally protected Hedgepaw and Newfang had fully crushed them by her actions.
They were trapped. Any cat trying to rescue them could possibly made the damage worse. There was a possibility none of them would make it out. The walls seemed to grow closer together, like the fangs of a cat latching onto a rabbit's neck.
Bravepaw shivered, drawing closer to Halfshine.
"Would it surprise you if I told you that herbs grow underground?" Halfshine's voice broke through the darkness."Mushrooms. Some mushrooms when ground up and placed on a wound are very good at preventing blood loss. I often have to remind the tunnelers to alert me if they find any so I can say if they are the kind I need. I will show you another day. Greenleaf maybe, when the tunnels are sturdier."
If they ever got a chance to come back, Bravepaw thought disparagingly. If after what she'd done and she hadn't just killed them both.
"Can we dig ourselves out?" Bravepaw meowed, ignoring Halfshine's chatter about mushrooms.
He paused. His voice softened. "I wouldn't risk it. Not unless we want to bring the rest of the tunnel down on us. We have our air here. I'd rather that than dirt."
"Will it run out?" she whispered.
"It might. But cheer up, Bravepaw, your mother is on the other side waiting for you, and Harestar won't let us die."
Bravepaw remembered the WindClan leader's words, "They are the Clan."
No, he never would give up on them. But here in the dark, without anything for her eyes to latch onto and only the sound of her quivering breath in her ears, the words Harestar had said in the sunlight were as distant as Fourtrees.
She closed her eyes and huddled by Halfshine's legs like a kit in the nursery once again. It was so cold here.
"Don't give up."
Her eyes shot open. That had not been Halfshine's voice.
"Did you hear something?" Bravepaw whispered.
"Hmm? Are they already digging us out?" Halfshine meowed. She felt the rise and fall of his lungs still as he held his breath as though listening for scratching claws. "If it's the ceiling. . . try to protect your head."
"It wasn't. . ." Her voice trailed off. What had it been? Perhaps she'd imagined the words. She was only thinking them to herself. For a moment she thought she saw something in the darkness. A flash of red as though a cat turned around in the small space with them. Then it was gone.
Was it possible to imagine colors in the dark? Her eyes and ears were playing tricks on her.
"I need you, Bravepaw. I can't lose you now."
There it was, the voice again. Her ears twitched and she turned her head, listening. Had it been her mother, calling through the dirt? Hedgepaw? It hadn't sounded like an echo. The voice wasn't muffled, but it had been distant, as though someone spoke to her from far away.
"Bravepaw! Halfshine!"
Now this voice was muffled. She did hear the words with her ears. It sounded like—
"Harestar?" Halfshine yelled back.
"Can you hear me?" the WindClan leader yelled back.
"What are you doing here?" Halfshine snarled. Bravepaw felt his body tense and his fur bristle. "You can't be don't here too! The Clan can't afford—"
"Shut up and dig!" Harestar yelled back. "Dig from the top down, Purplethistle says. And when you remove dirt, shove your paws against the sides of the hole. Make it compact."
"Dig, Bravepaw."
Bravepaw listened to the mysterious voice. She crept toward the sound of Harestar and reached up. She didn't have far to go; the tunnel was not very big. There was enough room for a cat to walk single file and maybe squeeze next to each other, but little more. Halfshine had to move to accommodate her and when he realized what she was doing, he stopped arguing to help.
They went slowly, cautiously. They paused when the ceiling trembled above them and the sounds of dirt dripped around them. They patted the earth until it was firm before scooping out another hollow. Slowly the tunnel widened.
Halfshine sent Bravepaw through first. The hole was just big enough for her. She squeezed through and Harestar laid his head against her. "Go quickly. Your mother is waiting."
She shuffled passed him and with hardly a glance back, as in the darkness there was no use. Then a sudden draft of fresh air brushed her whiskers, tugging her forward. She raced up the tunnel and as she ran, Bravepaw was certain she saw a red streak bounding before her, guiding her to the eye of light that glimmered ahead. This was no figment of mist catching sunlight.
She squeezed from below the rock and into light. The sun had long set, but now the stars glimmered overhead. For a moment she couldn't imagine anything more bright. She glanced around, but the red mist-cat was no longer there. Then Bravepaw's mother swooped down.
Cedarberry pounced on Bravepaw, holding her to the earth as she licked her daughter's head and face clear of mud.
"Don't. You. Ever. Do. That. Again," the she-cat meowed between licks.
Bravepaw let herself relax under the ministrations. In time, Harestar and Halfshine made it from the tunnel. The two toms raced into the starlight, breathing hard. They were covered in mud, their fur twisted and clumped. When they were out, Harestar leaned against the medicine cat.
"Thank StarClan," the leader purred. "I didn't know what to do when you went in there."
"You got us out," Halfshine murmured. He placed his head on Harestar's side. "Thank you."
"I wouldn't have never given up."
Purplethistle moved from the entrance where she'd been lying in wait. She greeted her mate with a relieved sigh. "Both of you are no better than wingless birds. You should have listened to me."
"I did. We got them out."
"I should have been the one in there—"
"I couldn't lose you too, Purplethistle." Harestar licked her forehead and then looked her in the eye. "I have lives to lose, you do not."
The she-cat shook her head, but said no more.
Halfshine stepped away from the two and looked at Bravepaw and her mother.
"You've had a hard day, let's get you back to camp," Halfshine meowed. "Cedarberry?"
"I'll stay. I only have one of them back."
Halfshine nodded and turned to Harestar. "Bring Newfang and Hedgepaw to my den if I don't make it back before you dig them out."
The leader nodded. "Take care. We'll see you soon."
-Line-
"It hurts, it hurts!" Hedgepaw wailed. She squirmed in Halfshine's grasp, trying to yank her tail away.
Newfang had little success in holding her down. The white-and-gray she-cat's own exhaustion and injuries sapped the warrior's strength, but she tried to assist Halfshine and his apprentice. There was no room for many cats in the medicine den and Bravepaw felt crowded. The den was dark and smelled of dirt. It was lit only by the moonlight that filtered through the entrance and the moss that Bravepaw remembered so well. The vegetation glowed on top of their rock piles, providing plenty of light to see the twisted wreck that was her sister's tail.
White poked out from the matted fur. White shards covered in sickly red. Hedgepaw's tail was no longer straight. It was bent in more than one place, the fur scrapped off. It was exactly like fresh-kill and yet this horrified Bravepaw more than anything she'd ever seen in her young life. Her paws refused to move. She couldn't bear the thought of touching her sister and causing more pain, so she stood there as stiff as a boulder, watching as Halfshine struggled to keep the apprentice still enough to apply his herbs.
"Bravepaw, Bravepaw. Listen to me. Listen."
Panting, Bravepaw lifted her eyes from the mangled mess that was her sister's tail. Halfshine, still covered in dirt, stared at her over the patient. His blue eyes bored into her. She could hardly hear him over her sister's wails and the rush of her heart.
"You can do this. Stay calm. Listen to my voice. Breath in slowly and out, slowly. Do as I say."
She tried to focus on his words and calm her breathing. She kept her gaze down when he ordered her to get poppies and let Hedgepaw lick them up. Then she got the cobwebs. If she did not think, then maybe this wouldn't be real. Bravepaw tried not to look over when she offered Halfshine stiff, dried branches from a gorse bush. She tried not to shake as her paws took hold of Hedgepaw's tail to keep it from flopping about and Halfshine tugged it into a manageable shape. Hedgepaw shrieked around the remaining branch she'd been given to bite on and Bravepaw's heart lurched.
Newfang patted her injured apprentice with a foreleg. The tunneler's eyes were dull and her nose white.
Finally, Halfshine released Hedgepaw. The medicine cat panted and blinked as he turned to Bravepaw, "Well done."
His words broke the spell that had descended on her. Bravepaw fled the den and the smell of blood. She reeled into the hollow. She could see the mounds of her sleeping Clanmates. One or two heads raised, looking her way. She couldn't face them. She fled up the slope to the top of the hollow. On the moorland, a breeze nipped at her ears. She halted and stared upward into the black sky.
Silverpelt glimmered above, the home of her ancestors. StarClan was looking down on her. Watching as they always did.
A shape moved in the darkness, looming above the tall grass. Halfshine joined her. His sudden warmth against the cold soothed the bristling of her pelt, but the memory of what she'd done that day made her lean away from her mentor. She couldn't form the words to apologize.
"I remember my first battle," he meowed before she could even stutter a sound. "I don't remember what it was over, or even who won. . . No, wait, I do. We lost. I remember now." Halfshine sighed. "Our warriors fought ThunderClan over something they'd done to the Travelers and we lost. I remember when the warriors came back. Some came on their own four paws, but one or two had to be dragged back to our den. There was so much blood, it trailed in the dirt and on the grass. There was wailing and the scent of pain. I didn't know it had a smell before that. And that night confronted by it, I froze, I didn't know what to do."
Halfshine turned to her. "I was a 'paw then. It must have been moons since I was apprenticed, but I froze. It was the first aftermath of battle I'd ever seen. Twistedbriar had to coax me through wrapping spiderwebs."
"Like me," Bravepaw whispered.
"Yes. It was hard for her, you know, because of her lack of paws. We were wrapping a tom up and he di—" Halfshine abruptly cleared his throat. "Anyway, I fled the den, just like you. I couldn't stand it anymore. Twistedbriar had to do the rest on her own, probably with the most able-bodied warrior that could help her with tasks I should have done."
He looked up at the stars. "For so long I felt guilty. I shouldn't be a medicine cat, I thought. If I can't handle this, what kind of a medicine cat am I?"
Bravepaw felt her stomach twist. That's exactly how she felt. She had failed to act. She had been paralyzed with seeing her sister in pain. The sight of blood and bone and made her forget everything.
"I know now I didn't have the experience," Halfshine meowed. "I had never seen pain like that. I had never seen death so close. Now, I am used to it. Bravepaw, this was only your first patient. This was your first emergency. You haven't even been my apprentice for even a day, I don't expect you to know what to do or how to act. I've barely taught you anything. I don't blame you for running."
"Y-you aren't angry?"
"No. You needed this." He paused, "Well maybe not this specifically to happen to your sister, but you needed something like this. You needed to see the darker side of our task. There will be pain and there will be blood."
"But I was so useless!" Bravepaw wailed. "I trapped my sister worse and then when I try to help her again, I couldn't do anything but shiver and stare."
"You stayed," Halfshine meowed. "You listened and did what I asked." He looked at her again, turning so that the white and dark halves of his face shone in the moonlight. "You are not useless."
"But I feel so sick," Bravepaw whispered.
"Then this is a good night for you," Halfshine meowed.
Bravepaw looked at him. "A good night? After everything that's happened? What's so good about it?"
"Now you get to decide, Bravepaw," Halfshine meowed. "Do you stay or do you go? Do you still want to be a medicine cat? Tonight wasn't the worse that can or will ever happen to you or our patients. Are you willing to be confronted by more than what you have tonight?"
"I-I," she felt the words choke in her throat. "I. . ."
"You can leave now," Halfshine meowed. "You haven't visited the Moonstone, and have not taken any vows before StarClan. The break will be clean. You will no longer have responsibility to care for the injured. You don't have to see suffering anymore if you don't wish to."
"But I can't escape it," Bravepaw meowed, tilting her head. She looked up at Silverpelt. "If I am a warrior, I will cause it. I will see it every time I fight."
"The Clans do not battle every season," Halfshine murmured.
"But it will happen eventually," Bravepaw meowed, her tail twitching. "If I am a tunneler, I face the possibility of dying below. Suffocated." Her eyes dilated and she shivered at the memory. "I became your apprentice so I could help cats. I wanted to heal cats, like you did me. Like we did with Hedgepaw tonight. I-I-I just didn't think it would be like that." She buried her nose into her paws. "If I can't even do that, then what place do I have in this Clan?"
Halfshine's tail stretched across her back and he pulled her close with one of his paws. She could hear his heart beating fast. Was he scared too?
"You are meant to be here," Halfshine meowed. She could hear his words rumble in his chest like the roar of the waterfall in the RiverClan gorge. "StarClan helped you live, but they never dictated what you must become, Bravepaw. You can be a warrior or a medicine cat. Even a Traveler, if you decide, but on my part, I know you will be a good medicine cat. You are kind. You are determined. Any cat would panic with what you've gone through today. Both times."
"You didn't," she meowed, voice muffled by his fur.
"I have experience. I promise you, you will keep a calmer head the next time we see a patient in need, and the next. It just takes time. And let me tell you, I was terrified in the tunnel. I was so scared we wouldn't make it out."
"But you said—" Bravepaw pulled away and looked up at him.
The fur on his forehead creased and his muzzle twisted in a sad smile, "I was scared for you. You've lived so little of life, I didn't want it snatched away now. Not after you made it this far. I was scared that our Clan wouldn't have any medicine cats if we both perished. I didn't want you to be frightened, so I tried to keep you calm."
"I didn't know." Was that chattering about mushrooms his way of not worrying her?
"Sometimes, the best way to protect others is to appear calm. It gives others courage, because if you aren't scared, then neither should they. That is what we do as medicine cats, we put on a brave face. We may be scared inside and doubt ourselves, but we keep pushing forward to get done what needs to be done."
She blinked at him. Put on a brave face?
"I want to be a medicine cat," Bravepaw meowed. "I always have. I want to go to the Moonstone with you, but I feel. . . scared."
"And you can be scared," Halfshine meowed. "You are only a new apprentice. I wouldn't have had you deal with this at least for another moon if I could help it. It is tough working on your own family, especially when they are in pain. Trust me, you will get better in time."
She hoped so.
"Are you staying my apprentice?" Halfshine asked. "I can give you time to think, if you need it."
"No, I want this."
"Good," he sighed. "You'll be the best medicine cat this Clan has ever seen. I'll make sure of it."
"But you are the best medicine cat," Bravepaw meowed in protest.
"No," he whispered, lowering his eyes and turning away. His paw released her, and the cold air was quick to take his place. "No. That I have never been nor ever will be. I will not let you make my mistakes."
She shivered, not sure if it was because of his tone or the crisp night. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, but the tilt of his ears said he would not listen to her.
"Let's go back to the den," he meowed, standing up. "Your mother saw you rush out and got worried. I left her with your sister and Newfang. We've done what we need to tonight. Hedgepaw will need more poppies ever so often and we must make sure Newfang's airway is cleared. The hardest thing in the coming days will be making sure neither get infected. Barring that, both should make full recoveries, minus a stiff tail."
"She won't lose it, will she?" Bravepaw hesitantly asked, standing up.
"Hopefully not. Like I said, we have to keep infection at bay. She is young so she should heal swiftly. It is a resiliency I envy."
"You aren't old," Bravepaw protested as she followed him back down the slope into the hollow. He was hardly an elder like Downyclaw or Rustling-grass.
"Tell that to my paws. I feel I've tread from here to the Moonstone three times today," Halfshine meowed, a bit of humor in his voice. It was sharp contrast from the cold voice of self-doubt she'd heard a moment ago.
Bravepaw yawned, suddenly overcome by her own exhaustion. Had it really only been since sunhigh she'd been made an apprentice?
The importance of her own decision weighed down on her as heavy as the earth that had surrounded them. This was what she was meant to do. She would help heal cats. When all others panicked it would be her job to be confident and see them through the hard times, just like Halfshine.
On the moorland behind them, the spirit of a red tom smiled.
Do I realize Twistedbriar falls under the "forced into medicine cat role due to disability" trope I hate in canon books? Yes. But she hates it too. She would have given anything to become a warrior. Besides, I needed a strong contrast between a living cat and their spirit-body, and sadly, that had to be Twistedbriar.
