Thanks to reviewers: Mikaceous, WariorCatsForevr, and Stacy Rockfall.
Chapter 4: Inevitable
"Wake up, Bravepaw."
Bravepaw blinked her gummy eyes. She yawned, and for a moment couldn't seem to gather enough air in the stale den. She'd forgotten how confining it was in the medicine den. It had taken her awhile to be able to sleep here after her injury as a kit. Now she had to repeat the process.
"Why so early?"
"It is not early." His smile was gentle.
She glanced at the entrance of the medicine den to see sunlight spilling in. It must be nearly sunhigh. At her side, her sister twitched and whimpered in her sleep. Newfang wasn't in her nest along the other wall.
"Where is Newfang?" Bravepaw meowed, looking around for the white and gray tabby she-cat.
"Getting food. She is healthy enough to go on short walks, but we will keep an eye on her another day before she can resume her full duties. Let your sister sleep. You and I need to stretch our legs as well."
Thinking about her legs made Bravepaw's twinge. Her back felt stiff as she carefully slid away from her sister's side. She leaned down to softly lick her sister's warm forehead. There wasn't much of a response. Not wanting to wake her sister, Bravepaw rose slowly from her nest. Once she was out, Bravepaw washed her face, cleaning her eyes. For a moment she and Halfshine groomed quietly.
When they were ready to leave, Halfshine said, "Tell me what poppies are for."
Bravepaw pushed out of the den behind him. She blinked back the sting the bright sunlight caused. "They're used for easing pain, and inducing sleeping. That's why we used them on Hedgepaw and Newfang."
"Yes, exactly. I gave your sister another poppy at dawn when she woke. Because of her injury we need to keep her pain low so she can heal quickly."
Bravepaw must have been tired if she slept through her sister's complaints.
"Your mother stopped by as well, but she wanted to let you sleep," Halfshine meowed.
She winced at the thought of both neglecting her sister and mother. Both had been through so much and Bravepaw only slept. She was already failing her duties.
Halfshine didn't give her long to dwell on her disparaging thoughts. He directed her to get something from the freshkill pile before they went to the elders' den.
"Do we have to feed the kits and queens first?" Bravepaw meowed, eyeing the pile. It was slim, but not sparse. She recalled that apprentices weren't supposed to eat first, although her stomach grumbled at her to ignore the rules.
"We don't hunt prey, so no," Halfshine came to her rescue. "Not if you don't want to. Since it is newleaf we don't have to worry much about feeding the Clan first either, so no one will mind if we eat on the way and not bring anything back. You'll find, Bravepaw, a medicine cat life is a lot different than most cats in the Clan. We care for them and they care for us."
Bravepaw found something to eat and quickly devoured it.
"Why did you want to be a medicine cat?" Bravepaw looked at Halfshine when she'd quieted her stomach's grumblings. She recalled their conversation from last night. Bravepaw had chosen this path so that she could mend cats as she'd been, but now she wondered why her mentor had chosen to be a medicine cat. What had led Halfshine to his decision?
"You said I had to have a good reason to show I was dedicated, before you'd accept me," Bravepaw meowed. She hadn't quite realized what that meant until last night. She felt she was on the right course now. "What was yours?"
"Any other mentor would call you impertinent for demanding answers like that." He flicked his tail, eyes on the relatively empty camp. Newfang sat beside Bloomfur who Bloomfur played with her kits near the nursery. Bravepaw had seen Hunterpaw go into the elder's den earlier so she suspected Pheasant-tail was around camp as well. Soon enough, the others would return for sharing tongues.
"You've always told me questions are important," Bravepaw reminded him. She started to clean the blood from her paws and tried not to remember her sister's mangled tail.
"True. And it is only fair I tell you." He paused a moment. "When I was a kit, my mother died."
Bravepaw stared at the black and white tom. Died? She had never thought about who his parents were, but she had never thought of them as dead either.
"We were old enough we did not need milk," Halfshine continued, "so my sister and I were not given to another queen, but we remained in the nursery until our apprentice ceremonies."
"H-how did she die?" Bravepaw hesitated to ask.
"It was hard to say," Halfshine sighed. "Twistedbriar and Lichenfur-who was her mentor at the time-didn't know. It wasn't anything they'd seen before. But Archfang was in agony. She grew thin quickly, but her abdomen swelled and she complained of pain all the time. She could hardly eat or keep anything down. It lasted for moons. It was. . . hard to watch."
Halfshine swallowed and breathed in slowly. The confidence from yesterday faded away, revealing something broken beneath the mask.
"I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about it," Bravepaw meowed. She didn't like seeing him this way. It hurt to see his wounds.
"It is fine," Halfshine meowed, in control once more. "She is the reason I became a medicine cat. I wanted to stop other cats from suffering like she did. I felt that if I learned all the herbs and techniques, I'd be able to find a cure for every illness." He snorted. "It's impossible. Despite all the common diseases and injuries the Clan faces, there will always be something unusual. Something we cannot cure. That perhaps is the first lesson every medicine cat should know: you cannot save everyone."
-Line-
"What's the trouble?" Halfshine meowed.
Bravepaw followed her mentor into the elder den. Like the nursery, the den was a briar bush that hugged one wall of the hollow. There were only two elders and had been as long as Bravepaw could remember.
Rustling-grass and Downyclaw waited in one end of the den while Hunterpaw scooped up the old and dusty bedding. The grass and fathers had grown brittle and were starting to crack, the slivers tangling in the elders' fur.
"No different," Downyclaw answered Halfshine, struggling to breath in to continue speaking. "I can hardly catch my breath, my joints ache. I tell you every time. Nothing changes."
Hunterpaw bounded over to Bravepaw. Her brother rubbed his head against her shoulder. "I was wondering when I'd get to see you! Cedarberry said we couldn't visit you. That you and Hedgepaw needed rest. I am so glad you're still alive!"
"So am I," Bravepaw admitted. She glanced at Halfshine, but the older cats were occupied with their own chatter. She turned to Hunterpaw.
"Are you and Flickpaw—"
"Of course, you hare-brain," Hunterpaw snorted. "We weren't stuck in any tunnels." His expression softened. "Are you sure you are okay? Cedarberry looked so worried, but you look fine to me."
Bravepaw offered him a smile, reminding herself to be brave for him. Did he really need to know how frightened she had been? How close she'd been to losing Hedgepaw and herself? He didn't need to worry like their mother had. It was her duty to protect the others in the best way she could.
"I am fine. All I needed was a good rest. Hedgepaw, on the other paw," Bravepaw trailed off. How did one make that sound better? "She was wounded, but she's getting better. Halfshine is amazing! He knows exactly what to do. She'll be back in the apprentice den soon. Newfang is already out!"
Hunterpaw nodded excitedly. "I can't wait. I want her to attend the Gathering with us."
"That's more than a half-moon away," Bravepaw shook her head. "She'll be in good health by then, so I wouldn't worry."
"Great!" He lifted his tail.
"Bravepaw," Halfshine cleared his throat. The elders and the medicine cat were watching her and her brother. Bravepaw winced. They had been chittering like birds when they both had duties to attend.
"I'll talk to you later," Hunterpaw meowed, touching noses in goodbye. "I need to get this out. Pheasant-tail said we could go hunting after I finished. I can wait until I'm done. It's just so boring!"
He scooped up the bundles of dried and dusty bedding between his chin and chest and waddled out of the den. Broken plant bits and feathers trailed after him.
"I envy the young warriors rushing about," sighed Rustling-grass.
"They rush but never get anywhere faster," Downyclaw wheezed. "They'll find themselves here in the elders' den swiftly enough, watching as apprentices can't even spend the time to visit. No care that the heather they bring has dust and tares." The tom coughed and grimaced.
Bravepaw glanced at the entrance. Why did her brother have to be so neglectful? She loved him, but he could at least act like he cared about the elders more than he just had. Even as a new apprentice, he should be keen to learn how to serve them better.
"Oh, you were young once, you know how it is," Rustling-grass argued.
"Of course I do," Downyclaw snapped. "It's terrible getting old."
"I'll be sure to talk to Pheasant-tail and the other mentors about what herbs to add to the bedding," Halfshine meowed, interrupting the brewing argument. "Bravepaw, herbs can be used in much more than just medicines. They can add fragrance and even keep fleas at bay."
"A wonderful thing when you can't bend like you used to," Rustling-grass sighed. She settled down more firmly on the den floor and looked mournfully at the dusty mess Hunterpaw had left behind.
Bravepaw hoped her brother returned with the replacement soon.
"Come here, Bravepaw," Halfshine meowed, interrupting her thoughts. He waved his apprentice over with a tail flick.
Bravepaw crept close under the glaring eyes of the elders.
"Downyclaw I am going to lift up your lip to show my apprentice something."
"Prod away. You always do," the elder groused.
Carefully Halfshine slipped a claw under the elder's whiskers, pulling up the lip. The skin below and around his remaining broken teeth had a bluish hue.
"Normally a cat's mouth is pinkish and bright," Halfshine meowed. "But Downyclaw can't get enough air and so his gums are blue. Two things can cause this: not enough air getting into the lungs, usually due to a blockage of some sort—which you will hear—or the other not so obvious reason when blood fails to bring the air to the rest of the body. We won't see much of that, as those cats don't tend to live passed apprenticeship."
The medicine cat released his patient's mouth. "Put your head on Downyclaw's chest."
Bravepaw looked at the scowling elder.
"M-may I?" she asked.
He narrowed his gaze and nodded.
Bravepaw rested her ear on his chest. His fur tickled her ear and her head rose and felt with each trembling breath. Each inhale seemed to roar in her ears. She had never thought much of the way he sounded when she was a kit. That had simply been Downyclaw in her eyes: a tom who puffed and coughed and sometimes was a grump, but whose stories kept her mind racing through the night.
"What do you hear?" Halfshine meowed.
"It's loud. But I hear a faint crackle?" It sounded like the leaves that Gorsepath had brought into the nursery to play with his kits. The warriors brought them over from Fourtrees sometimes, a place Bravepaw had yet to see but longed too.
"Good," Halfshine meowed. "That is the first symptom you want to listen for. That shows you have a problem."
"I know I have a problem," Downyclaw growled as Bravepaw pulled away. "Are you going to do anything about it this time or force me to keep lingering on like moldering like crowfood?"
"I am doing my best," Halfshine meowed. "Even if that means you live until another Gathering."
"Don't give me that. You know I can't leave this den to attend or I'd collapse in the moorland."
"You don't just want to give up and die, do you?"
"Yes," the elder wheezed, closing his eyes.
"What?" Bravepaw stared at him, her tail growing large in her astonishment. "Y-you're an elder, it's your time to be taken care of after the service of our Clan."
She couldn't understand his morose demeanor. He was supposed to rest and let others serve him. He was supposed to enjoy his time of leisure.
"Seems every other day Halfshine is in here caring for me because Rustling-grass catches me in a fever." Downyclaw coughed and struggled for breath. "And every time Halfshine gives me something to feel better. But I never do. It lasts and lasts. I take prey from the Clan that could be better eaten by the young ones, I take herbs from Halfshine that could treat battle wounds. I would ask him not to come to the den and not give me a thing, but Rustling-grass goes against my wishes. I want to die, Bravepaw."
This long confession seemed to exhaust him. He lay back down, breath coming in short gasps, his middle trembling with the effort.
"Don't tell her that," Rustling-grass whispered. The elder curled around the tom, tail close. He didn't push her away.
Bravepaw looked at Halfshine in confusion. He was staring at Downyclaw, his jaw clenching. He closed his eyes and turned away.
"What do we do?" Bravepaw meowed quietly. She had never heard Downyclaw act this way before. Had he only been protecting a kit and now she was a medicine cat apprentice he had no reason to lie?
Halfshine's eyes snapped open. He looked at Bravepaw.
"We treat our patients," the medicine cat meowed. "Now, what herbs do you know help with breathing?"
When they finally left the elders den, the sun was high in the sky. A few cats were at rest, sharing tongues and sharing food. The elders pushed out ahead of Halfshine and his apprentice, heading to the freshkill pile for a meal and to join one of the smaller groups.
"Imagine you are in a tunnel," Halfshine meowed as he sat outside of the den, watching the elders. Downyclaw made frequent rests, sitting down and leaning against Rustling-grass for support. He refused to wait behind while she got him a meal, and so they crept their way to join the rest of the Clan. Downyclaw gulped for air with each step.
Bravepaw's mind shot back to the dirt enclosure she'd trapped them in. She remembered the weight on her head when it buried her and she couldn't help but shiver.
"Imagine you can't go forward because the way is blocked by dirt," Halfshine continued. "You turn around, but you can't climb back to the surface because another wall of dirt blocks your way. You are confined trapped, no light, no hint of were the outside is. You can't escape and no one can dig you out."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Bravepaw demanded. She didn't like remembering what happened only yesterday. "I know exactly how that feels. I'm not hare-brained enough to go back down. Not now."
"Imagine that as a state of mind now," Halfshine meowed. "A cat who sinks so far down they cannot find any brightness in the world. Sometimes they can't even find the will to live on. And that is the case with Downyclaw. He is tired. He is done, but we force him to keep living. He is stuck in place."
"Have you ever felt that way?" Bravepaw asked. He described the feeling so well. "Trapped with nowhere to turn?"
"Sometimes," Halfshine meowed, "I think back on my life and I doubt myself. I wonder what was it all for? Then I see cats like Downyclaw."
"And you realize others have it worse," Bravepaw meowed. She could understand that.
"Something like that," Halfshine murmured, but he wouldn't meet her eyes as he cleared his throat. "Downyclaw is old, he will die no matter what I do—I only stave off the inevitable. Perhaps pointlessly. But he has served our Clan and until this season he has been content. He's not getting any younger. This disease has crippled him and he despises how helpless it makes him. He has to rely on others more than he ever wanted to. There is no dignity in some deaths, Bravepaw. Just lingering until your spirit finally joins StarClan."
Bravepaw looked at him curiously. He sighed and got to his feet. She silently followed behind her mentor. Despite the sunlight she felt cold.
They didn't go back to the medicine den to check on Hedgepaw. Instead Halfshine took them in the direction of Gorsepath, the deputy. With sunhigh shining on the moorland, most of the Clan had returned from the moor and were resting in the sunlight, sleeping or talking or eating. Gorsepath was by the nursery, playing with his kits while Bloomfur took a break. Bravepaw assumed she and Newfang had gone off together.
"Gorsepath," Halfshine called.
The deputy looked up, uffing as his breath was knocked out of him by one of the tumbling kits.
"Bravepaw and I will be going to the Moonstone tonight," Halfshine meowed when they were close.
Gorsepath murmured to his kits to give him a moment and he sat up. Tumblekit and Quillkit jumped on each other, continuing their play to one side.
"Do we really need permission to leave camp?" Bravepaw whispered.
"We can leave anytime," Halfshine whispered back, "but cats should know where to find us if they need us. You already know about that from last night."
"Will Hedgepaw be all right with you gone?" Gorsepath asked, drawing their attention back.
"Cedarberry can keep an eye on her daughter," Halfshine meowed. "I'll instruct her when to provide poppy seeds. It should only be once this evening."
"But Cedarberry isn't a medicine cat!"
"It doesn't take a medicine cat to provide herbs," Halfshine's tail twitched. "How else do you think loners and the Travelers heal themselves? Not all cats can talk to StarClan."
Gorsepath's ears lowered. "I don't mean to hold you back from your duties. But will it really be safe?"
"Yes, trust me," Halfshine meowed.
"Are you well enough to travel?"
Bravepaw turned to the new voice. Harestar. The leader joined them near the nursery. He'd left a rabbit on the fresh-kill pile.
"After your ordeal yesterday, do you have the strength?" Harestar asked, sniffing Halfshine's pelt with concern.
"I am not a kit anymore," Halfshine meowed in exasperation and stepped to the side. "I am fine. I am not hurt. Although. . ." The black and white tom turned to look at Bravepaw. "I am sorry. I did not ask you. Are you feeling well enough to travel?"
The eyes of the toms turned to her and under their stares, Bravepaw felt nervous. Her paws were still sore and her thoughts were cloudy with worry with memories of yesterday and not wanting to leave her sister, no matter what Halfshine said. However, she had finally accepted her role and didn't want to let Halfshine down.
"Can we even visit StarClan when it isn't the half-moon?" Bravepaw meowed.
Harestar's ears flicked in surprise, "You can always visit StarClan and the Moonstone."
"Even when the moon doesn't shine?" From the stories, she thought the Moonstone relied on the moon. If there was no moon, how did the stone shine?
"Well, the moon is hardly gone," Halfshine meowed. Tonight the moon would be little more than a cat's claw. Almost at the half stage, but not quite enough to illuminate the darkness like the full moon did. "We visit on the half-moon more for tradition's sake rather than any rule," he continued.
Harestar nodded, "StarClan is always ready to communicate. Leaders go anytime once the former leader has passed on."
"But if the half-moon is close, why go now?" Gorsepath meowed, curiously. "It's only four nights away."
"Too many cats, too many distractions." Halfshine's ears dipped briefly. "I want Bravepaw's ceremony to be special. With less expectations from the others."
"No desire to share your apprentice yet?" Harestar meowed in a teasing tone.
"I don't want to look foolish in front of them!" Bravepaw meowed, startling the toms with her outburst. She didn't want to look silly staring at the stone and gushing over StarClan while they all laughed at her naivety. They were used to all the sights she had never seen or could comprehend.
"You won't," Halfshine meowed comfortingly as he crouched on his forelegs to look into his apprentice's eyes. "They've all been in your position. I only want to keep you from meeting them now to. . . Well, they might tell you things to expect that might not happen. StarClan doesn't always have news."
"Which is good," Harestar meowed, to Bravepaw's confusion. "When StarClan speaks, disaster isn't far behind."
The brown leader and Gorsepath shared smiles. Bravepaw wasn't sure how disaster was amusing, but she struggled to remember a story in which StarClan was involved that didn't have something bad happen to the Clans. Perhaps the ancestors' silence was a good thing.
"We don't have to go if you don't feel well enough today," Halfshine meowed as he stood upright. "I just wished for it to be easier."
"No, I want to go," Bravepaw meowed. "You know what is best. I can make it."
"Then it is settled," Harestar meowed, "We will keep an eye on Newfang and Hedgepaw, and StarClan will welcome our newest medicine cat. Travel well, Bravepaw. Halfshine."
Gorsepath agreed, but was somewhat distracted as his kits, who had grown tired with politely waiting for the older cats' conversation to end. They pounced on his back, forcing the deputy to the ground. He rolled over with a mock wail.
"My deputy has been felled!" Harestar exclaimed at the sight. "What frightening beasts have conquered WindClan's greatest warrior?"
The kits squealed happily and darted for their leader, eager for another playmate.
"Let's check on Hedgepaw and find Newfang," Halfshine meowed, ignoring the play. "And I'll teach you about traveling herb mixtures before we go."
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