I savored the blissful few seconds when I woke up. I laid, unblinking, looking at the celling. I wondered why I was in such a weird position, my light wasn't usually where it was. Then I felt a pounding in my head that was unbelievable and it all came back. I groaned and sat up, still in yesterday's clothes. My back was sore and I felt like shit.

I needed fucking relief from this headache, and I needed it now. I struggled to my feet and took my jacket off, discarding it on the floor. Why the hell did I drink on an empty stomach? That just made everything ten times worse. All the exhaustion from the week had all built up, and I hadn't slept good. I was still tired despite it looking like it was about two in the afternoon.

I quickly ran downstairs and began to dig through the cupboards looking for painkillers. "Stanley." My father said, he was standing in the doorway. "Did you drink the Schnapps?"

I turned to look at him. "Yeah." I answered weakly, there was no hiding it. My dad always knew what was in his collection of alcohol, it didn't matter if it was just a drop of whiskey, he knew it was gone. I turned back to the cupboards and found some Advil, I quickly got a glass of water and downed four at once.

"You shouldn't drink that stuff, it's 75.5 percent alcohol." My dad informed me. Shit, I didn't know it was that much. Why did my dad keep this shit around the house.

"It won't happen again." I told him, it was a lie, we both knew. I hoped I wasn't going down the same path my dad was on. I really fucking hoped I wasn't becoming the next town drunk. I didn't ask to be an alcoholic, I don't even know if I qualified as one. What were the requirements for being an alcoholic? How close was I to achieving the status of insane drunk? I was only sixteen, I didn't want this, but I couldn't stop.

I remembered when I was little people would tell me I was like my dad, and I was happy. I thought my dad was cool, even if we were hardly similar. Now if someone told me that I would feel shame, shame because I knew it was true. My dad, the insane alcoholic, was like me. I felt fucking sick again.

I looked down and saw my phone on my floor, I picked it up before heading upstairs to my room. I figured my phone was dead. I plugged it in and sat down on the edge of my bed.

I wondered what had happened last night, I couldn't remember much of it. I remembered downing the first bottle, and then throwing up. I didn't even remember crawling back to my room or falling asleep. My phone screen lit up as it came on. As soon as it did it was flooded with texts from Kyle, and missed calls.

Shit.

I must've called him drunk. Otherwise he wouldn't have been so worried. I decided to call him to stop him from fretting. There was no doubt he had been worried all night, that was just the type of person Kyle was.

Kyle answered on the second ring, he almost always did that. "Dude, are you okay?" He asked, almost as if he'd been waiting to ask me that all morning.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I answered simply, "I was drunk."

"I could tell." Kyle said, I could almost hear the bitterness in his voice. Kyle hated when I got drunk more than he hated when Kenny smoked.

"I'm sorry about last night."

"Which part?" Kyle inquired like it was a test. I'd probably pissed him off pretty good.

"All of it, I was sure acting like a dick." It was a lame apology, but I didn't want to specifically address any of the issues. "And for calling you drunk." I added sheepishly. I didn't remember much of the call, but I figured it had been pretty bad, or just embarrassing on my part.

"It's fine, Stan."

Anther silence passed between us. "I'm gonna... Uh, go take a shower." I was still in yesterday's clothes, I reeked of alcohol. "I have a pretty bad hangover."

"Yeah, I'm sure you do. I'll talk to you later." Kyle said, he sounded almost distant.

"Okay, bye dude." I hung up and then looked at my phone. Within the multitude of texts from Kyle, there was a text from Bebe asking if I wanted to hang out today. I told her I had a hangover and wasn't sure if I was up for it.

I then went and took my long awaited shower. I kept the water just slightly too hot, it was calming, but it also felt good on my sore back. I should never have slept on the floor.

I stood in the shower for a long time, letting the water hit my back. Eventually the water got cold and I knew my dad would give me shit for standing in there so long, but I didn't even know what I was doing. I was just staring at the wall feeling mildly upset, at least my headache had gone away though.

I got out and dried off, going to my room and putting on some sweats and a Nevermore shirt. I decided I should wash my hat before school on Monday. I threw it across the room and into my laundry basket. I ran a hand through my damp hair, noticing how- for once- it didn't feel like shitty hat hair, but actually kind of acceptable.

I walked downstairs, stopping at the base of the stairs as I heard a voice. "Mmhmm, Stan is such a good friend, that's why I brought him these cookies." It was Bebe, I could tell.

I stepped into the living room to see her and my mom talking to each other. "Stanley, your friends here." My mom said happily, "I'll leave you two kids alone." With that she left the room.

Bebe turned to me and smiled, holding a plate of cookies. I felt like shit, so I probably looked worse. "Hey." I said, not much emotion in my voice. I wanted Bebe to get the hint and move on, she was wasting her time.

"I made cookies last night, and since you're hungover I brought you some. To help you cheer you up." She extended her arms towards me, holding out the cookies.

"Bebe," I sighed softly, "Can we talk?"

She nodded, I motioned for her to sit on the couch and I sat beside her. "I don't like you, like, romantically." I guess I had to be straight forward with her.

Bebe's expression didn't really change that much. She didn't seem phased, had she been expecting this the whole time? "Can I ask why not?"

Bebe knew. I knew she knew. She had a gleam in her eyes and a small smile that held secrets. She was going to make me say it, God fucking dammit. "I like someone else." I replied softly, looking away.

"Someone with red hair, a great ass and who's last name happens to be Broflovski?" Bebe asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"How the fuck did you know?" I was annoyed, how could she tell so easily.

"It's so easy to tell. You stare at him with a I-want-you-to-be-in-my-arms-right-now look. Also ever since him and Kenny started dating... Or whatever it is they're doing, you started acting jealous of them at lunch. I sit at the table right behind yours, I can hear your guys conversations. Whenever Kenny goes out to smoke Kyle wants to go with him, then you volunteer too. You want to keep an eye on them." Bebe said this all so simply, maybe it was simple to her. Maybe I was just oblivious to my actions. At this point my face was red.

"Don't tell anyone." I begged, "I don't want anyone else to find out."

"You're still in denial?" She asked in disbelief, "It's plain as day, sure as the sky is blue."

"I know... I'm not in denial." I insisted, "I just don't want everyone knowing. I wanted Kyle to be the first one to find out."

Bebe shook her head, "Tell him."

"Why? What about Kenny?"

"Kenny is stupid." Bebe replied simply. She stood up, "Well enjoy the cookies."

I stood too, "Promise you won't tell."

Bebe locked her lips and threw away the key. "I don't have any reason to hurt you, or Kyle. If you're not going to tell him though, that's your problem. Thanks for being upfront about not liking me though, I was testing to see how long you would string me along before you said something. It was kind of like a social experiment, I'm glad you're honest Stan."

I nodded solemnly, smiling slightly. "Thanks, and it was no problem."

Bebe turned and left, waving as she started to walk home.

Bebe was a lot smarter than people gave her credit for. She payed attention to detail, and noticed little things about people. I needed to watch out for her, at least she promised she wouldn't tell anyone. I hoped she stayed true to her word.

Fuck.

On Monday Bebe seemed to be out of my life again. I didn't mind though, although I did miss having someone to talk to between classes.

Kyle had been acting strange, almost distant. Even towards Kenny, which was surprising to say the least. At lunch he didn't eat, which worried me. The roles were reversed for once, I was the worried one. "Kyle, you need to eat." I said, keeping the worry out of my voice.

"I'm not hungry." He stated, shrugging slightly, "I think it's the lingering effects from my cold." He offered Kenny his food, he gladly accepted. Then Kyle laid his head on the table groaning, "I'm so fucking tired."

"Me too dude." I agreed, "We should just ditch and go take a nap."

Kyle laughed a little but didn't respond other than that. Kenny and I sat in an awkward silence, I think he was worried about Kyle too.

Cartman wasn't sitting with us today. He was sitting with Wendy, on the table behind ours. I think he picked that table just so we could still hear fragments of his annoying ass voice. Cartman is like a bad rash, you can't get rid of him.

After Kenny was done eating he stood, "I'm going to go smoke." He announced, Kyle, almost immediately, stood to join him. They both looked at me expectantly but I just waved them off and told them to go without me. When they left I got a glimpse of Bebe from the other table, she made a gesture that suggested I should go follow them, I just shook my head in response.

After lunch was foods, which was pretty uneventful. We just took notes and I stared at the clock, waiting for the bell to ring.

The rest of the day was a blur. Everything seemed surreal. Kyle and I didn't talk on the bus ride home, Kenny parted ways with us silently when we got off.

"What the hell is going on today?" I questioned out loud, as Kyle and I walked through the snow towards our houses.

Kyle glanced at me and gave me an almost sympathetic smile. "Can I tell you something?" This peaked my interest, I nodded eagerly. Maybe Kyle could clear things up, maybe he knew what was going on. "I'm really sorry."

"For what?" I asked, confused as ever.

"Just remember that, okay?"

"Uh, okay dude." I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket, this was going nowhere. Why was everyone acting so damn strange. I stopped, "I'm going to take the long way home."

"Stan, it's snowing pretty heavily, don't be stupid." Kyle shook his head.

I smiled, "Yeah, see you tomorrow." With that I turned and walked down another block. I needed to clear my head, I needed to walk through the snow.

I ended up at Stark's pond and decided to just lay in the snow and watch the sky.

The wind whispered as the snow fell on my face, getting caught in my eyelashes and falling on my hat like confetti. Silver flakes filled the sky as the sun peaked through the clouds, everything looked so bright but yet so dull. I couldn't tell if it was actually dull though, or if it was just my skewed perception of it all. The snow landed on my face softer than the kisses Wendy used to plant, and just as cold as the memories of her had turned.

I missed Wendy. I didn't even know if I still had feeling for her, but I missed having her in my life. Now I just got curtsey laughs and an eye full of her and Cartman's PDA.

I shifted on the snow, the biting cold felt like daggers on the back of my neck, but I didn't want to move just yet.

Maybe I didn't miss Wendy. Maybe I missed the reassurance that I was doing alright, she was always encouraging. Kyle was too, but I had been seeing less and less of him.

Kyle was what I really wanted, he was what I really missed.

So why couldn't I talk to him?

I closed my eyes and relaxed my body, feeling myself sink deeper into the blanket of white. Snow was always comforting to me. I think I would be okay with never moving from this place and being trapped in the snow for all eternity.

I felt so alone, even though all my friends were just a text away. Loneliness seems like a simple thing to fix; reach out to a friend, strike up a conversation. In all reality it was nothing like that, you never felt comforted just talking to someone. You wanted reassurance that you were alright, that things were going to be alright, that you weren't going to end up old and alone watching reruns of The Office and crying while eating a TV dinner.

The snow blanketed around me, now it was biting at my feet and my toes went numb. My feet were starting to get wet through my thin Converse, I should've worn boots today. I felt small and alone in the snow like that.

I was laying by a small pond, in a small town, in a small state, in a small country, on a small planet in one of the smallest galaxies. And somehow I was supposed to find peace in this existence. I didn't even know if I was the center of this universe, or a spec of dust in the universes eye, and I didn't know if I would ever find out.

I wished more than anything that Kyle was next to me in this moment. I wished he would laugh and fill up the empty, crisp, cold air. I wished he would assure me everything was alright and that all this weirdness was in my head.

I accepted it at that moment. Laying cold, half frozen in the freezing snow, that I loved Kyle. I loved him so fucking much. All these years he had been my rock, my anchor. He had kept me from slipping into depression, from drinking, and much much more.

I quickly sat up, snow flying off me as I did so. I stood and brushed myself off with my numb fingers. What the fuck was I doing?

I started heading home, thoughts of Kyle plagued my mind. I was still grounded from him for another week, I needed to find a way to hang out with him. I needed to find a way to get him and Kenny to break up. I felt like a dick just thinking that.

"Stan!" Called out a voice from across the road. I stopped my fast pace and turned seeing Cartman. He strolled across the street towards me. "Why are you all wet?"

"I was laying in the snow." I shivered, rubbing my arms to keep what body heat I had left.

"Why?"

The question swirled in my head like a blizzard. Why was I laying in the snow? I didn't know. It was conforming, I wanted to sink into it and disappear, I didn't give enough of a shit to move before I was on the verge of catching hypothermia. These were all valid answers in my head, but they weren't answers I was going to share with Cartman. "Bored." I answered finally.

Cartman gave me a strange look but then continued. "Anyways, I was going to say sorry for acting like a dick the other night."

"What the fuck? Is this a prank?" I asked, Cartman never apologized.

"Wendy told me I should apologize." Cartman informed me sullenly. "Something about how you mean well and shit. Look dude, you can accept my apology or not, I just had to make sure I told you."

I shrugged, "It's whatever." Cartman was an asshole, once an asshole always an asshole. The cold seemed mild at first but now it was seeping into my skin, numbing my face. My teeth were chattering, Jesus I was such a fucking idiot. "I have to go." I stated, I did not want Cartman to make me wait out here any longer than I had to.

"See ya later, ya hippie." Cartman let out a chuckle as I turned and left.

Soon I was home, I shed my wet shoes, jacket and hat at the door before dashing upstairs to my room. In my room I removed the rest of my clothes and then dove into bed, burying myself in the warmth of my blankets.

I laid like this for awhile, until the feeling in my fingers and toes returned. I welcomed the warmth like an old friend, it was much nicer than the bitter cold from earlier. I had never felt this way before, it kind of scared me.

I felt as if I could die right here, right now, and it would all be okay. All my vigor from earlier, about braking up Kyle and Kenny, had left. If they really wanted to be together, who was I to stop them? I was just being an unsupportive friend.

I wanted to be selfish, to make Kyle be mine. The truth was, I had already lost him, though, I had never actually had in in the first place. This was all too upsetting for me, I felt the loneliness crawl back into my body like a bug.

Sadness washed over me, it was the sadness that seeped into your bones as opposed to the kind that exploded in a cascade of tears.

I didn't want to think about this right now. I didn't want to think about Kyle, or Kenny, or Cartman or anyone. I just wanted everyone to get out of my head.

I got up and put on pajama's before stalking downstairs to watch tv. The only thing on was some weird game shows so I decided to go to Netflix instead. I ended up watching a weird movie about a kid who was abducted by aliens.

My first thought was, "Damn, this movies so stupid. I bet Kyle would get a kick out of it."

Then I was right back where I started, thinking about Kyle. His beautiful green eyes, his curly red hair. His face that was sprinkled with freckles, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. His laugh, the way he was almost always unconditionally kind to everyone he met. Kyle was fucking perfect.

At that moment my phone vibrated, I looked at it and it was a text from Kyle reading;

Did you freeze to death in the snow? Cartman told me you looked like you were dying

I smiled as I read it. I replied and told him I had stayed out for too long but it was no big deal.

I was back where I was before, stuck thinking about Kyle. My head swarmed in half formed regrets, why hadn't I told Kyle sooner? I had fell for him harder than a slip on black ice, a damn painful fall. I pulled the blanket around me tighter as if for comfort.

Just as I started to feel normal again, and the movie was starting to get interesting, my mom got home. She was carrying bags of groceries, "Help me bring in the rest of these." She ordered, sauntering off into the kitchen.

I groaned as I stood, I was sore from the cold and sad to leave behind my warm spot on the couch. I carried in the rest of the groceries and helped my mom put them away.

I returned to the living room as my mom began to cook dinner. The house filled with the smell of a chicken broccoli casserole.

My mom walked into the living room. "I have to go to book club, so take the casserole out in twenty minutes, okay Stanley?"

"Yeah, will do." I hadn't really payed attention to her, I was now invested in the plot of this movie. It was took my mind off everything. My mom left, suffice to say I forgot about the casserole after five minutes.

The movie ended, it had a bad ending. I almost felt sad for wasting so much time watching it. "What the fuck was that?" I questioned out loud to myself.

I inhaled deeply to sigh, but before I did I smelt the incredibly sickening smell of burning casserole. I quickly jumped up and dashed to the kitchen. I grabbed oven mitts and took out, what was now, a burnt and bubble blob of blah. "Shit." I swore, glancing at the clock. My mom would be home any minute now, she was going to kill me.

I paced around the kitchen debating what to do, there was no time to make a new casserole and no way to get the burning smell out of my house. I heard the keys in the door and held my breath. To my relief it was just my dad.

"What the hell is that smell?" Was the first thing he asked.

"A burning casserole."

"Ha, more like c-ass-erole." My dad laughed at his pun, I just shook my head. He was worse than Kyle and Kenny combined. My mom walked in as my dad was still laughing. At least he was there so I didn't have to take all the heat.

We ended up ordering a pizza for dinner that night.

Kenny was the only person at the bus stop the next morning. He stood with his hands in his pockets and with a slight slouch. It had felt like it had been forever since it was just me and Kenny. "Hey dude." I greeted as I stood next to him. It wasn't snowing this morning, but everything was covered. "Why have things been so weird lately?" I asked after a moment of silence. Kenny was either always quiet, or you couldn't get in to shut the fuck up, there was no in between. I guess today he decided to be quiet.

Kenny shrugged, "I wouldn't know."

Jesus Christ, Kenny was such a bad liar. Everyone was up to something, but I had no idea what it was. Kenny and Kyle were definitely in on it, maybe Cartman and Wendy too. Hell, Bebe could even be in on the joke. Was everyone just playing a giant prank on me? If so what was the prank, nothing really seemed too out of the ordinary.

What if I was dying? What if everyone knew I was dying and no one has bothered to tell me? No, someone would've told me by now.

I glanced at Kenny, he looked kind of smug. His hair fell in shaggy, uncombed waves around his face. He didn't look any different than any other day of the week or year. So what the fuck was going on?

"You birthday's coming up soon." Kenny pointed out. I had forgotten all about my birthday, it was just in a couple of weeks.

"Yeah, I forgot." I didn't exactly want to turn seventeen. That just meant one year closer to being an adult and paying bills. I hadn't even thought about what college I wanted to attend.

There was feet crunching through the snow and then Kyle ran up and stopped next to Kenny. "Good, I didn't miss the bus." He was out of breath, he had probably ran the whole way here.

The bus turned the corner a moment later. Kyle and I sat together in our usual spot in the back. "What did you do last night after, you know, almost freezing to death in the snow?" Kyle laughed softly.

"I burnt a casserole." I informed him with a grin, "And I didn't almost freeze to death, I just stayed out slightly too long."

Kyle rolled his eyes, "Yeah right dude, Cartman was fucking worried about you, you must've been in the verge of death."

"How did you know Cartman was worried about me?"

"Dude, after you spend your whole life being around that fatass you start to know what's up. He called me and told me to check in on you, because you were 'as blue as a smurf's ass'." Kyle smiled and I laughed. I didn't really believe him, but I wasn't going to say that.

At school I went to my locker and was surprised to find Bebe standing there. "Have you told Kyle yet?" She asked me.

"No, I haven't had the chance." I replied, getting my books from my locker. "Why are you so eager?"

"Because, the sooner you tell Kyle the sooner him and Kenny will break up. I want Kenny back, but I can't go after him while he's still with Kyle." Bebe explained.

"But wait, I'm going to go after Kyle while he's still with Kenny. That's basically the same thing." I pointed out, closing my locker and turning to face her.

"No it's not. Look if you stole Kyle from Kenny, Kenny would move on. I'm not so sure it would work the other way around though." Bebe twirled a piece of her blonde hair between her fingers. "Either way, I'm going to make you do all the heavy lifting. I can still find a booty call even without Kenny around."

I rolled my eyes, "Jesus, that's such a dick move."

Bebe smiled proudly, "I know, but when you and Kyle get together then I can have Kenny again."

I tuned out the rest of what she was saying. She really thought that Kyle and I were going to get together? She thought I actually had a chance? I had never really thought of Bebe as a good friend, but I guess she was around a lot of the time. I had been dating her best friend for a long ass time. Maybe she really did know what she was talking about. "Wait you think Kyle and I will actually get together?"

"Hell yeah. He's been giving signals for years."

"Giving signals by dating Kenny." I mumbled.

"Kenny's just a filler, don't worry about them too much." She dismissed with a wave of her hand.

The bell rang and Bebe left for class. I stood in the hall for a moment, processing everything she said. She thought Kyle and I had a chance, but she had been wrong before. I always thought Bebe was an airhead, but maybe she had actually been paying attention to everyone for the past few years, even if it was just to spread gossip throughout the school.

I shook my head and began to walk to class. I needed to tell Kyle about my feelings for him. I needed someone else besides Bebe Stevens to know about my crush.

I wondered what he would say. I wondered if this would ruin our friendship the moment the words came out of my mouth. I shuddered, I didn't want to jump the gun on this one.

I needed proof that he actually liked me before I made any rash decisions. I decided instead I would come out to him, tell him I was bi or something. I wasn't even sure if I was bi, I just knew I really liked Kyle Broflovski.

As I sat in my seat and it was decided. Today would be the day that I would come out to my super best friend.

I honestly suck at updating stories tbh, it's been too long since the last one. I always say I'm gonna update it sooner, but then things get crazy and I never have time. I'm going to try harder to update this sooner (Hopefully in less than two weeks this time). Thanks for reading and for all the reviews and follows ^^