Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it

-"Truth be Told" By Matthew West


Chapter 13

Halfshine often dreamed of his garden. He was either planting something new or snipping the leaves off to add to the store. He was there now, his black and white paws buried in the moist dirt, but as he stared at the grains trickling between his fur, he knew it was a dream. The realization he wasn't awake was as clear to him as the lack of birdsong in the heather. It was always so quiet in dreams, and the herbs never tasted right. He had never been so aware of what was missing as he was now. The fur along his spine bristled as he looked about the gully.

His garden was situated in a low spot between hills. The yew tree loomed above, blocking the fierce sun from his work. Beyond the dark green needles, the sky was orange. The berries hung as bright red as ever in the branches. Their dark centers were like eyes staring at him, watching his actions like the stars in the darkening sky.

A bit of starlight appeared now. One lonely star gleaming in the light of the setting sun. Halfshine watched as it grew larger and larger, until the glowing speck settled on the dirt in front of him between him and the trunk of the yew. To his surprise, a cat solidified before him. The tom's fur was not the crimson of the berries nor the orange of the setting sun, but a mix in between. Speckles of golden light gleamed like stars trapped in place in the tom's red pelt. They were poorly lit as though struggling to remain to be seen, like stars fading at dawn.

Halfshine lifted his eyes to a familiar face. How similar his father and Redfur looked! Harestar, though, had never given him such a disdainful glare as though he were little more than foxdung.

"Redfur," Halfshine meowed in greeting.

As shocked as he was to see this other cat, a snake of fear and excitement twisted in his gut. StarClan? Here? For him? After all this long, StarClan was finally speaking with him! But why had they sent this cat of all cats?

"Do you have a message for me?"

"You think StarClan is here to visit you?" Redfur demanded. "I am not here as StarClan. StarClan doesn't speak with you."

Halfshine felt his shoulders fall and his heart sink. Of course they didn't.

But then why was Redfur here in this dream that wasn't a dream? Did it matter? This was the first opportunity he'd spoken to StarClan in a long while. This might be his only chance. Halfshine lifted his head.

"Redfur, I'm sorry."

The other tom took a step back. Redfur's eyes widened, and his claws retracted for a brief moment. The other tom's ears twitched as if listening for prey in the grass. Then his brow wrinkled anew. Suspicion entered Redfur's eyes once more. Clearly he didn't believe the apology.

"Redfur," Halfshine meowed again. "I am sorry. You were the last. What I did to you. . . I vowed I would never do it again."

"And Downyclaw simply overexerted himself?" Redfur retorted.

Halfshine's breath stuck in his throat. The roaring of his heart stopped for a moment as he stared into the yellow accusatory gaze of the other tom.

Redfur snorted and leaned closer. "I know exactly what you've done. We are always watching, Halfshine. You don't think I didn't see what you did? I may not be here from StarClan, but that doesn't mean I don't have a message for you, murderer."

"I offered to Downyclaw!" Halfshine meowed. "You didn't see how day after day he struggled for breath. He ran from camp hoping to die! I found him first. I offered and he said yes! He welcomed death. You can't blame me for that!"

"I can!" Redfur snapped.

Through his bared teeth, Halfshine could smell the other tom's breath. It was of a cat that had not eaten or slept for days. StarClan may not be troubled by such needs, but Redfur clearly had not been taking care of himself in the afterlife.

"Then let me hear from Downyclaw himself how vile my actions are," Halfshine challenged, looking Redfur straight in the eye.

"You don't need, them," Redfur hissed. "You have me."

"You were healthy and young. I panicked. It was wrong, but the others—"

Redfur brushed his defenses away with a swipe of his bristled tail. "I know your vow means nothing to you. If not Downyclaw then you would have harmed some other cat in time. You have no ground to stand on. It was only a matter of time. I've been waiting for this moment, to prove to the others that you are a murderer and this is it." Redfur chuckled and laughed. "This is it. The prophecy is coming true! I told them, and now, they'll see! They can't pretend otherwise!"

"P-prophecy?"

Did Redfur mean Bravepaw's vision?

"Didn't you know?" Redfur crowed. "The prophecy is about you! WindClan will die because of you."

As Redfur's joyous shout faded, the red tom disappeared.

Halfshine looked about, searching, but he did not see Redfur anywhere in the gully. That was it, that was the message? WindClan would die because of him? He felt sick at the thought. No! No. That was nonsense.

"Redfur!" Halfshine yowled. Where had he gone? Redfur had to explain!

He looked up, but he could spot no other stars glimmering above. The yew tree's branches blocked most of the darkening sky, but even he could see there was nothing there. No other stars in the blackening sky. There was nothing above him but the tree and the berries that stared him with their black eyes. As he watched, a drop of red rimmed one of the "pupils". It dripped down, poised for a moment on the edge of the berry like a tear before falling to the damp dirt below. It splattered and the flecks dashed into the dirt, flinging upon his paws a mixture of red and brown. And there was more. After the first, more drops fell as the berries bled. It was as if he were in rainstorm.

Halfshine backed away, hoping to leave the canopy of the yew and the splattering juice, but as he watched, the rain became a torrent until the drops formed a stream. The stream swelled, gushing toward him. It smothered his herbs, drowning them below the crimson surface. The river flowed unrelenting in the gully and growing by the heartbeat.

He turned tail against the tide, racing for the slope. Even as he tried to climb, the slope seemed to become steeper, like that of the RiverClan gorge. It was nearly vertical and he struggled to rise above the shear wall before the river of red reached him. He clawed at the grass roots, trying to pull himself up. He dug his back claws into the hill and tried to force himself upward. The crimson water had reached his abdomen now and he could feel it tugging, threatening to tear him from his precarious perch and thrust him further downstream. In this dreamscape he did not know where that would lead, but he didn't want to sink. He needed to wake up. Why couldn't he wake up?

He was nearly at the top, when the red-colored tom reappeared.

"Redfur," Halfshine yowled. "Help!"

Even as he asked for help from the spirit, he knew he'd said the wrong thing.

Redfur reached out his paw and placed it on his head. The claws came out and Halfshine winced as they speared his flesh. Redfur began to push him down.

"You made this," Redfur hissed. "Now drown in it."

Halfshine shook his head, dislodging Redfur's paw. He lifted one of his forepaws and swiped at Redfur, shoving the other tom's leg off. He struggled to rise, but the water seemed to be eating away at the dirt near his heels, he could feel it crumbling as he slipped backward.

"You're StarClan!" Halfshine yowled at Redfur as the tom, pinned his white leg down. "You are supposed to help me!"

"I help WindClan."

Redfur shoved once again and Halfshine felt the moment his paws gave way. He slipped. He fell back, yowling. The crimson liquid choked him. He kicked, struggling for the surface. Where was it? He broke the surface, but could not stay above long enough for more than a glimpse or two of the bank as he was tugged farther downstream. He fought for one side or the other, but the current was too strong.

Then something thrust against his side. He felt it ram into him, and he held on, clawing up the length of the thing that stopped his wild progress in the river. His head broke the surface. He heaved himself toward the bank and retched on the juice that filled his lungs and stomach. When his eyes were clear he looked up into the gaze of a gray she-cat whose stripes ran down her legs like vines. The stars of her pelt were soft amber and glowed brilliantly as silverpelt.

"Twistedbriar," he croaked. A feeling of guilt washed over him as he stared at his former mentor. She was frowning at him in her usual way as if she was about to correct him, and he felt certain he knew what she was going to say. As much as he longed to see StarClan again, imagining Twistedbriar to be the one to tell him how wrong his actions made him shake.

Twistedbriar looked away. When Halfshine followed her gaze, he saw Redfur on the other side of the red river. The tom's legs were stiff as he stared at Twistedbriar. He had followed Halfshine downstream. Perhaps he'd seen the rescue and was deciding if he would renew his attack.

"Lichenfur said Redfur was after Bravepaw," Twistedbriar meowed, her eyes still on the other tom. "I knew better. She isn't the one he wants revenge on. I've kept my eye on both of you this last quarter moon, waiting for one or the other to act. Redfur's finally made his move."

She had kept an eye on him? Had she seen what he'd done to Downyfur as well? He hated to ask. To even think of it.

"Why does Redfur want Bravepaw?" Halfshine demanded. He wasn't about to let Redfur hunt Bravepaw's dreams too.

"He doesn't. Didn't you hear me?"

"But why does Lichenfur think he does?"

"Because she is the only WindClan cat StarClan are allowed to speak to," Twistedbriar meowed. "I must go."

"You sent that vision her?" Halfshine demanded. The fear he felt since Redfur's accusation was swallowed by anger. He wasn't about to let her leave now, not before she explained herself. He got to his feet. His fur felt sticky, and he fought back the disgust as he rose before Twistedbriar in indignation.

"How dare you!" Halfshine yowled. "How dare you frighten a cat that young with those visions! She was a newly called apprentice. Her first meeting with StarClan should have been joyous, not prophecies of blood! If anyone should have received the vision, it was me!"

"You gave up your rights to StarClan long ago," Twistedbriar meowed. "That is your punishment. One that both I and Redfur are breaking in this moment, but I was not about to let him hurt you. WindClan needs you. Now is not Bravepaw's time. You are needed to train her. Teach her to receive StarClan. She has blocked us long enough. Now, I have to go. I have Redfur to deal with. He has disobeyed us thrice and ignoring him has not put a stop to his folly."

"Please, Twistedbriar," Halfshine meowed. His anger crashing down as she refused to answer in kind. He reached out to her. "Is what Redfur said true? Is the vision about me?"

Twistedbriar's tail swung and for a moment he didn't think she would answer.

"I cannot say one way or the other, Halfshine." She finally looked him in the eye. "Visions are never truly one thing or the other, nor do they always come to pass. Redfur feels the way he does because he sees what he wants to see. To him, the blood is not blood and the moon is not the moon. I can't deny that I understand his point of view." She tilted her head and stared across the river at Redfur.

The tom's ears folded at her glance and he took a step backward as if he would flee. But he remained, listening.

"I do understand his interpretation of the signs," Twistedbriar meowed, she turned to Halfshine. As she did, she scooped a pawful of the red river and presented it to Halfshine. "You drown in this blood made of berries." She twisted her paw wiped it along the white half of his face.

There was pity in the depths of her yellow gaze as she stared into his eyes. And disappointment. Halfshine couldn't move under her touch. She knew exactly what he'd done. She would not speak it out loud, but she knew.

"The blood has blocked your shine," Twistedbriar meowed. "It's time you clean it off, not add more."

Halfshine felt his breath hitch. It was a struggle to keep his eyes on her own.

"Wake now," Twistedbriar meowed. "I must deal with this wayward spirit."

"Twistedbriar," Halfshine meowed. He turned to keep her in sight as she crouched by the river's edge. "Please, will I see you again?"

Her ears lowered. "I don't know."

With that, she leapt across the river. She would never make it across, Halfshine thought, watching as she descended toward the current. To his surprise, something solid rose from the depths. A stone, like those in the RiverClan stream, broke the surface. It lifted under her paw and she remained dry as she paused in the center of the bank. On the other side, Redfur realized she was heading for him. The red tom flipped around and raced across the windswept heather.

Twistedbriar leapt the last part of the river. Her legs churned as she raced after the fleeing tom in a ground-eating stride. Halfshine wished Twistedbriar had stayed with him instead.

"I need you," Halfshine whispered. Something solid pressed against his head. Something real.

The world in his view shook and all at once, the dream world shattered. He opened his eyes to the gloom of his den. The glowing moss and mushrooms lit in the fur the brown-and-white she-cat staring down at him with her half-flattened face. Her eyes were full of concern.

"Halfshine?" Bravepaw meowed. When he met her gaze, Bravepaw's whiskers rose.

"I'm sorry I woke you," she meowed, "but you were whimpering and I was worried."

Halfshine lifted a paw, wiping it across his face. When he pulled back, there was no red on his forelimb. Somehow, he still felt drenched in the sticky juice. As if he'd never be clean.

"Are you okay?" Bravepaw insisted. "You sounded distressed."

Halfshine looked up at his apprentice. Her anxious expression had returned and he realized he hadn't answered her.

"Yes," Halfshine meowed. "l am fine. It was just a bad dream."

A sympathetic expression crossed her face. He wondered if she'd had many since her ceremony. He couldn't blame her if she had. He should have been more attentive, but his own exhaustion and worries over the past quarter moon had distracted him.

She hesitated and lay beside him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, Bravepaw," Halfshine meowed. Even as he said the words, he knew he shouldn't have. She would see it as him refusing her again. The last he'd seen of her was when she marched from his den, angry at his refusal to answer her questions. It was justified. He was surprised that she'd returned and was choosing to speak with him so kindly.

"You don't need to be troubled by my problems," he tried to explain, but the scowl on her face didn't leave. "Did you want to talk about your dreams?" he offered.

"No."

"You haven't been bothered by. . . by any um, visits from StarClan?" Halfshine hesitated. He had to know if Redfur had been stalking her dreams too. Despite what Twistedbriar had said, he needed to be sure.

"No," Bravepaw meowed. Sudden concern crossed her face. "Have they visited you? Is that why you are worried? Did they give you information about the vision?"

Halfshine swallowed and looked away. Had they? Was it true?

WindClan will die because of you!

The blood is not blood. The moon is not a moon.

"You don't need to worry about it," Halfshine meowed. "The vision isn't going to come true, do you understand me? There is not going to be any death, natural or otherwise. I will make sure of it."

"Let me help!" Bravepaw cried. She dropped the volume of her voice when her sister and mother stirred in their nest. "Stop ignoring me, Halfshine. Talk to me. Please."

Halfshine opened his mouth and then closed it. Is that what she believed? That he didn't want her help to save the Clan? It was better than the alternative, he thought and then a wash of guilt spread over him. He was failing as a mentor. As a medicine cat. Twistedbriar was right, he needed to teach her. The only thing he'd taught her so far was that he didn't trust her abilities. He had to repair her trust in him.

"Bravepaw," Halfshine sighed.

"Yes?" Her tone was annoyed and hesitant, but at least she'd responded.

"Did you want to go with me to where Downyclaw died and look for something he might have eaten?"

His heart hurt as he asked her. He knew they'd find nothing. It was a waste of time and disrespectful to Downyclaw's memory, but it would show her that he listened to her. That he was capable of treating her as a fellow medicine cat and trusting her contributions. When she found nothing, perhaps she would set aside the old tom's death. If she stopped investigating, then Halfshine's worries could fade away once more and they could concentrate on preventing the vision from coming true.

Bravepaw's ears twitched and he watched her eyes spark to life again. "Do you mean it?"

"We'll look," Halfshine meowed. "And if there is anything on our territory that could harm cats, we'll make sure to get rid of it, alright?"

Bravepaw nodded.

"Rest well, Bravepaw," Halfshine meowed. "Tomorrow, we'll begin our search."