The next afternoon there was a knock on the front door. I got up from my comfy place on the couch and opened it to see Cartman and Butters. It seemed like an odd mix, I just figured that Cartman had stopped talking to Butters when we all did. I never really paid attention to his life though, so I guess they could've still been friends. "Hey guys." I let them in, closing the door behind them.
Out of all the people, why them? Especially Cartman. "So, what brings you two here?"
"Has Kyle or Kenny told you?" Asked Butters, suddenly.
"Huh? About what?" I felt my hear skip a beat. I wanted Butters to tell me what was going on. Maybe he held all the answers.
Cartman brought his hand up and smacked Butters in the back of the head. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt him badly, but it wasn't soft enough to not hurt at all. Butters rubbed the back of his head and Cartman scowled. "Jesus, you weren't supposed to say anything you idiot."
I let out an exasperated sigh, I finally thought someone was going to shed some light on the subject. Instead Cartman had to fuck it up, Cartman fucked up everything though. I wasn't even surprised. I think Cartman hated me most of all- even though he said he hated Kenny the most- because I'm a 'damn hippie'. And everyone knows how much Cartman hates hippies. It could really be a tie between me and Kenny though. Then again, Cartman hated Kyle too. Cartman just hated everyone.
"Ah hamburgers, we had to at least ask him, Eric." Butters pointed out, he mashed his knuckles together out of habit. I glanced between him and Cartman.
"Tell me what the hell's been going on." I demanded, I was done with everyone's shit. I didn't want to put up with this stress anymore.
"Maybe we should just tell him." Butters whispered to Cartman.
Cartman shook his head, "No Butters, that's a bad idea. If you're going to keep talking about this then you're going to have to leave."
"Dude, you're being such a dick. Just let Butters talk." I scowled at Cartman.
"No, Butters, you have to leave." Cartman pointed to the door, "We can't risk you ruining this."
Oh Jesus Christ, Cartman was such an asshole. Butters actually left after that. I wonder why he listened to Cartman, and I was mad he left because there was no way Cartman would tell me. "What do you want?" I questioned, I didn't even try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
"Butters was weak, I hope you understand why he had to leave." Cartman explained. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration and then plopped down on the couch. "I really came to talk to you about Wendy."
"Did you two break up?" I asked him, propping myself up.
Cartman cackled, "No way in hell. Dude, I've had a crush on her since like third grade."
What?
The Cartman I knew hardly ever admitted he had feelings. Was he going soft? "You're lying." I stated, I didn't believe him, of course.
"No, I'm being serious. Besides, being a straight guy here is hard, everyone is a fag. First it was Tweek and Craig, then Kenny and Kyle. Jesus, where will the faggy-ness ever end. It's like I'm stuck on a carousel with only gay people, and they are all so happy and shit. God, gay people piss me off." Cartman ended his little bitch fit by crossing his arms.
"So what's your point?" Cartman had lost me.
"My point is, I'm not gay." Cartman finished, "And for some odd reason there are way more males than females in this goddamn town. It's almost as if someone is begging us to be gay. So a lot of my childhood was spent looking for the perfect girl. At first I thought it should be the most feminine girl, which is probably Bebe, but I couldn't stand her. I had an in depth list of all the girls and I spent hours trying to find the right one."
I raised an eyebrow, I wondered where he was going with all of this.
"Wendy was perfect. She's nice, attractive, and sweet. Also there's a bonus, I get to piss you off and rub it in your face that we're dating and you can't have her." Cartman grinned, so that's what he wanted.
"Ugh, fuck you, if you wanted to come over just to rub it in then get out." I fell back on my back and closes my eyes.
Cartman laughed, "I'm so happy that you're annoyed about this, Stan. I take pleasure in seeing you sad."
"I don't even have a crush on Wendy anymore, Jesus Christ." I groaned.
"You don't?" Cartman asked. Shit- what had I just done? Now Cartman knew I had a crush on someone else. "Who do you have a crush on?"
"No one." I snapped, if Cartman found out that I had a crush on Kyle it would be game over for me.
"Tell me." Cartman pleaded, "If you don't tell me I'm going to assume you're a fag, just like everyone else."
I stayed silent for a moment, because I was a fag. I had a crush on Kyle, Cartman was right. I didn't want him to be right, I wanted him to leave and never return.
"Oh my god, Stan, you're a fag!" Cartman gasped dramatically, "Why are all my friends so gay? So who do you have a crush on?" He pestered.
There was really no point in hiding it now, "Promise you won't tell anyone."
"I can't promise that."
"Make the promise and say it's my birthday gift." I sighed.
"Fine, fine. I won't tell anyone." Cartman agreed.
"It's Kyle." I mumbled.
Cartman's expression changed, he was confused then it looked like he was realizing something. "Oh shit-" he stopped himself. "He was right." He murmured, as if to himself.
I waited for the sting of insults to come, but it didn't. "I always knew you were gay for him." Cartman informed me, putting his hands in his pockets.
"Go away." I said, throwing a pillow from the couch at him.
"Fine fine, later fag." Cartman laughed as he walked out the front door. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh, I wanted to know what was going on. Even Cartman was acting strange.
A list of worst case scenarios ran though my head. Maybe I was dying and everyone was just acting different around me because they were trying to cope with my impending death. Then, on the other hand, maybe they were just planning a surprise birthday party for me.
There were too many possibilities. I guess I would just have to wait to find out.
The next morning my dad woke me up by ripping the covers off me. "Happy birthday Stanley!" He exclaimed as he did so.
I groaned in response, wishing he had just let me sleep in just a little bit longer. "Come on, get up. Your mom made you pancakes." My dad mentioned before he left the room. I sighed and got up, I couldn't say no to my moms pancakes.
In ten minutes I was downstairs devouring pancakes. It was nice to eat breakfast for a change, I usually didn't have time.
After I was done I walked to the bus stop. The sun was shining and a fresh coat of snow glittered in the light. Everything was bright and I knew today was going to be a good day. It was just one of those days that screamed happiness, beautiful days were never sad.
When I got to the bus stop everyone was there. "Happy birthday Stan!" Kyle smiled happily when I walked up to them.
"Yeah dude, happy birthday." Kenny chimed in, Cartman stayed quiet. He had a knowing look on his face, I just decided to ignore him for now though.
"How does it feel to be seventeen?" Kyle asked.
"The same as being sixteen." I laughed.
"It always feels like that." Kenny pointed out, smiling. I nodded in agreement.
Soon the bus turned the corner and we were off to school. A lot of people wished me a happy birthday.
Before lunch I was standing at my locker when Bebe walked up to me. "Happy birthday!" She smiled happily.
"Thanks." I replied, smiling. I set my books in my locker, I expected her to leave but she just stood there. She was smiling and rocking back and forth on her feet like she was expecting something to happen. "What?" I asked as I turned back around to face her.
"Have you told Kyle yet?"
I shook my head. I had told Cartman, but I still hadn't told Kyle. I didn't think I would too soon either. The thought of telling him didn't sound fun, especially if he was still dating Kenny. Bebe sighed, "You should tell him."
"Why?"
"Because, you need to take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" Bebe gushed.
"Dude, did you just quote The Magic School Bus?" I laughed and started walking in the direction of the lunchroom.
Bebe crossed her arms. "That show we the shit when we were eight." She called out after me.
I stopped and turned around her grin at her. "I'll tell him when the time is right, I promise."
She smiled, "Good luck, Stan."
"Thanks." I was probably going to need all the good luck I could get. I turned and walked the rest of the way to the lunchroom.
Soon I was sitting at the lunch table. Kenny and Kyle both looked uncomfortable to say the least. Kyle looked tired and Kenny just looked annoyed. "What's up with you two?" I asked.
They glanced at each other. "Kyle..." Kenny started, "We can't do this anymore."
Was I witnessing a break up? I felt my heart skip a beat. Kenny and Kyle were breaking up! But wait, why would Kenny word it like that?
"This has been going on too long anyways." Kenny looked at me, our eyes met. He was annoyed, and whatever he was annoyed about was about to all spill out. "Stan, there's something we have to tell you."
And finally, I knew, at that moment it would all become clear.
"Kyle and I were never actually dating. Jesus fucking Christ, you never even noticed did you? Stan, I love ya man, but you're so oblivious. Did you honestly think that I, Kenny McCormick would ever actually settle down with someone?" He questioned, then he stood up. "I'm done with this shit. I can't believe I thought this was a good idea in the first place. You obviously don't have a crush on Kyle, so I guess Kyle was right. God, I need to go smoke a pack." With that Kenny left.
I was more confused than ever. I glanced at Kyle hopefully, I wanted him to make things clear again. "Dude, Kenny and I made a bet." Kyle sighed softly. "Kenny keep saying you had a crush on me, right?"
I nodded, so this was all fake? Kenny and Kyle had just played with my emotions that much? No, they couldn't have.
"So we made a bet, I said you didn't have a crush on me and Kenny said you did. The goal was to make you as jealous as possible until you admitted your feelings. Kenny cracked though, I told him he couldn't sleep with anyone because someone might say something. If you found out that Kenny was still sleeping around the you would know that me and him weren't dating, I couldn't risk it." Kyle explained, he was looking down at the table. Waves of different emotions washed over me.
"Cartman still figured it out though. I got so caught up in keeping up with all this that I stressed Kenny out too. I can't believe you actually though we were dating, we could barely make it through pretend dating. It went on a lot longer than expected too, that's why things have been so strange lately; because we started to get careless." Kyle then laughed, "I guess Kenny was wrong about you having a crush on me though, because that would be crazy, right?"
That was the end of my patience. Something snapped inside me like a twig, I was pissed. I thought about every moment, every single fucking moment I had tore myself up about this. Every time I had thought about how peaceful death sounded, every time I had felt I wasn't enough, all for nothing. It was a joke, a fucking joke. Kyle and Kenny had played with my emotions to the point of no return.
I had almost froze to death in the snow because of this. I had been drinking more because of this. What the hell kind of 'prank' was this? Pranks were supposed to be funny, but who was laughing now? I was angry and upset, Kenny was sexual frustrated, and Kyle was guilty. No one was happy, this was just a bad time for everyone. I decided it was an experiment, and I was their Guinea pig. Their really fucked up Guinea pig.
I felt anger boil inside of me. I felt it trying to force me say things I didn't mean, the words were clawing up my throat, but I kept my lips shut tight. I didn't even noticed that my fists were clenched at my sides. How could they play with my emotions like that? How could they think any of this was okay?
I hated myself for falling for all of this. I hated the fact that Kyle didn't even realize I had a crush on him even more. No one had noticed how sad I had been, because no one cared.
And that was it.
No one cared.
If Kyle had really cared then he wouldn't have let Kenny play with my emotions. Instead he helped him play with my emotions. I suddenly felt insecure, what if I wasn't a good enough friend to Kyle. What if he didn't actually care about me at all? He maliciously set out to make me jealous. Not only had be made me jealous, he had me me jealous, sad, and an avid drinker.
Happy fucking birthday.
"You're a fucking idiot, you know that, right?" I whispered, it was pretty soft, but I knew Kyle had heard it. I stood up, not looking at either of them ANS then I walked outside.
Snow had started falling again, I started walking home. I think Kenny had followed me out and called out my name, but I ignored him. I was in auto pilot the whole way home, when I got to my house I stopped and stared at it. All the houses in South Park were pretty fucking weird. I saw my dad walk past the window downstairs, I couldn't go inside if he was there. He would kill me for ditching school since I had already missed so much.
I turned and walked towards the pond. The pond had become a place of solitude and comfort. When I got there I sat in the snow, I didn't care if I froze to death. Not now, not ever. I wanted to just freeze and stay frozen forever, like that iceman I had found once. I smiled slightly as I remembered how Kyle and I got in a fight about naming him, but now I couldn't even remember the two names.
My smile turned to a frown. That was such a big deal when it happened, now it was nothing. Was this whole thing going to turn out like this too? Would this not matter at all in a few years?
This wasn't some little thing though, it was bigger than that. I was mad that they had played with my emotions so much, then they were so caught up in their 'prank' that they didn't realize they were hurting me.
My fingers started to get red and numb from the cold, I had been resting my hands in the snow. If I kept this up I would get frostbite for sure.
I sat there at awhile, thinking about nothing, but at the same time, thinking about everything. I couldn't focus on one single thing. My thoughts floated into my mind and then right back out again. I stared at the heavenly white powder that was clinging to my clothes and smiled softly. I loved the snow, I wished I could've stayed in it all day.
Soon I heard soft voices being carried through the wind. "He's probably over here." It was Kenny, I could tell. Shit, they probably had been following my footprints. I quickly stood and walked over to a grove of trees, dusting my foot prints over with the powdery snow.
I guess, if nothing else, growing up in South Park had taught me how to sneak around in the snow. Once I was deep enough in the grove off thees, I stopped and stood still. I held my breath, I couldn't see Kyle and Kenny but I knew they were there. I didn't want them to find me, I didn't have anything to say to them.
"Dammit, why do his foot prints lead here and then stop." Kyle muttered, "There's even an imprint from where he was sitting here."
"Well, we have to keep looking for him. Maybe he went back home, he couldn't have stayed out here too long in this weather." Kenny pointed out. I prayed that they would walk the other way, although I wasn't expecting them to walk through the trees anyways.
"Yeah, let's go see." Kyle responded, soon I heard them walk off. I hoped they didn't go and knock on my front door. If they did my dad would find out I wasn't at school. I figured dealing with my dad being mad and grounding me or whatever, was easier than chasing after them and telling them to stop.
I needed to get out of the cold.
I decided that the best place to go was the coffee shop. At least there I could get a drink and keep out of the cold. After waiting a few more minutes, just to make sure Kyle and Kenny were definitely gone, I ventured out of my hiding place. I trudged through the snow and towards Tweek Bros.
When I got there I was shivering and numb. Mrs. Tweak was working there today, she looked surprised to see me. I probably looked like shit too, I felt like shit anyways. I shook off the snow that had clung to me before fully stepping inside.
I got just a black coffee, it was more for warmth than anything else. When I got I wrapped my hands around it, enjoying the warmth that spread through my cold, numb hands. I held it there as the feeling returned to them, I wanted to feel that warmth throughout my whole body. It was comfortable, it was nice.
I pulled out my phone and saw I had a bunch of texts from Kyle.
I'm sorry dude
Where did you run off too?
I'm such a dick, I shouldn't have done this in the frist place.
Kenny and I are ditching school to find you
Look, I know you're hiding out somewhere and probably reading all these texts, but you should really just call me. I'm worried about you! I'm such an asshole. I know you're probably pissed but call me when you get the chance. Sorry for the shitty birthday
I read them all again, I decided not to reply. I sighed as I looked at the time, I still had thirty minutes to kill before I could even think about going back home. I decided that I would just have to drink more coffee and wait.
Three coffee's later I decided it was an good time for me to return home. The walk back seemed short because I was so hyped up on all that caffeine. When I got home I kicked off my shoes and took off my hat and jacket. I ran my hands through my hair a couple times, trying to not make it look like hat hair. It probably still did though.
My dad walked in the living room. "Kyle and Kenny came by." He informed me, I looked at him and nodded. I knew they had, and I knew what they were doing. I couldn't let him know that though.
"What did they want?" I walked over to the couch and picked up a blanket, wrapping it around myself.
"They wanted you to call them asap." He said, taking a sip from the beer can that was in his hand. "Your mom is making macaroni and cheese for dinner, your favorite."
My favorite food changed on an almost weekly basis, I was happy that my mom had listened to my complain about wanting macaroni for the past week. I smiled, "Yay." I replied, then I say on the couch and watched tv.
Just about the time dinner was ready there was a knock on the front door. I opened it and expected to see Kyle or Kenny, but instead it was Shelly. She pulled me into a hug that squeezed the air out of me. "Hey turd, I drove all the way from Denver to here just to celebrate your birthday."
"Thanks, what would I do without you." My voice was thick with sarcasm. Shelly and I loved each other, we really did, we just kind of had an unspoken agreement to always be dicks to each other. The system worked out pretty well though, and hey, if it's not broke don't fix it.
Soon we were all gathered around the table enjoying macaroni and cheese. My parents kept asking Shelly about Denver and her life, I mostly kept quiet. I didn't mind that my parents were basically ignoring me on my birthday, I was still tore up about everything that happened today.
Towards the end of the meal my dad finally addressed me. "Stanley, do you want your birthday gift now?" He inquired. I nodded, I hoped it was a car.
My mom smiled and held up a key. I smiled, it was a real smile. She handed me the key and I looked at it, it was to a jeep. "Holy shit!" I exclaimed, maybe this day wouldn't be complete shit after all.
"We got you a jeep just incase you got stuck anywhere and needed it." My mom explained.
Shelly kicked me under the table. "Yeah, I'm sure this turd is terrible at diving."
I helped my mom do the dishes. "Why don't you go take your new car out for a spin?" My mom asked as she washed off a plate.
I took it and started to dry it. "I want to wait until they plow the roads." I explained, outside it was still snowing heavily. "Tomorrow."
Tomorrow I would drive it to school and I wouldn't have to walk or ride the stupid fucking bus anymore. I had been waiting so long for this day.
"I think you should go today, turd, take me for a ride." Shelly commanded as she put away the dishes.
I sighed, but eventually she pestered me enough that I actually agreed to go with her. We just drove around town, Shelly was staying oddly quiet. "I just wanted to tell you this without mom and dad around."
"Huh?" I asked, I stopped in a parking lot, I wasn't even sure what it was for.
"Now we already both know that I'm the best sister in the world," she started, I rolled my eyes. "But I just wanted to tell you that I love you, you little turd."
"You made me drive you out here just so you could tell me that you love me?" I questioned.
"You're supposed to say 'I love you too'." Shelly pointed out.
"Fine, I love you too."
"Now that's more like it. I didn't get you a birthday present, so let's just say that his was your present." Shelly smiled, "The love of your sister."
"You're stupid." I laughed as I started driving back towards home.
"You're stupid too." Shelly smiled, it was just another way of her saying that she loved me.
Shelly insisted on sleeping in my room, which left me on the couch. I wish she could've slept in her old room but my dad had converted that room into an office.
After everyone had gone to sleep I stayed awake watching Terrance and Phillip. Thoughts of Kyle and Kenny began to invade my mind. I still couldn't believe that I had fallen for their ticks. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid.
I decided I wanted a drink, and that I deserved it because it was my birthday. When I went to the fridge the first thing my eyes landed on was that god forsaken S'mores Schnapps. I decided that since it was so good I was going to need to drink more than one. I preemptively grabbed four, though I thought that was kind of over doing it.
I returned to the couch with a bottle opener and the bottles. I popped the top off the first bottle and started drinking. My first tipsy thoughts were about Kyle.
The way he looked at me with his beautiful green eyes, the way he smiled at me with his perfectly straight teeth. I felt my heart flutter in my chest just thinking about him. I loved Kyle with all my heart, he was perfect to me.
Well he was, past tense. I finished off the first bottle and opened the second. Kyle had been acting like a complete bitch. Then again, maybe I was overreacting.
The sickly sweet Schnapps burned as it went down my throat. I finished the second bottle faster then the first one.
I was already feeling pretty shitty about all this, and drinking wasn't really helping. The third bottle was better than the second one though, because now my mind was swimming.
I thought about Kyle, and how he wouldn't appreciate me being drunk. It didn't matter to me though, nothing matter to me in that moment. Not even Kyle and his stupid beautiful face.
God, I loved him so much.
Except at the same time I felt resentment towards him. Kyle was basically perfect, attractive, smart, kind. At least I thought he was kind, and he was mostly. He was just acting like a stupid little bitch, but I would forgive him. No matter how long it would take, I knew I would forgive Kyle. There was no way I could remain mad at him, no way in hell.
I was halfway through the forth bottle now.
I hated myself for drinking. I hated myself for getting hurt by this, I was acting like a pussy. I wondered why anyone even liked me.
Then I realized that no one actually liked me. Maybe everyone just tolerated me. Maybe that was why Wendy and I never worked out, because she just tolerated me. Maybe Kyle had been best friends with Kenny all these years instead of me, but just let me think that we were best friends. I felt tears sting my eyes and I begged it not to happen, but then I was crying.
I never learned how to cry with style, I hated crying. I hadn't cried in front of anyone since I was a kid. Now I was crying alone, finishing up the forth bottle of schnapps. How was I already done with the fourth bottle? That was the fastest I had ever drank that much, and I didn't feel too good about it.
As much as I tried to hold them in, the tears rolled down my cheeks with no signs of stopping. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in them. My soft sobs were muffled by my knees, though I knew no one would come down here and find me like this.
I felt a tugging in my stomach, it was a warning that I was going to throw up. I didn't want to throw up, why did I throw up so easily. I tried to think about something else, and surprisingly, the feeling passed.
The feeling of everything passed. A mix of tears and alcohol blurred my vision, the sound of the tv seemed distant. Time seemed to move in slow motion, everything slowed. The tears weren't falling anymore. I laid back on the couch, I think my hand knocked a bottle off the couch. I heard the distant shatter of something.
I didn't matter though, nothing mattered anymore. I closed my eyes and repeated it to myself. Nothing matters, nothing matters, nothing matters. If I lied to myself long enough, maybe I would believe it.
Thank you for all the reviews and favorites on this story, I'm glad you're all enjoying it so much! At first I didn't think I would ever publish this story but I'm glad I ended up doing it. I'll try to get the next chapter up fast ^-^
