That night, Mikasa chooses to embrace a possibility. When it was too easy to let their anger take control, she decides maybe it was time for a change.
A/N: Hey guys, I'm back! A really big Thank You to my commentors for the thoughtful and sweet comments on the last chapter! You guys are superstars and my story is very blessed to have your support. To all of my readers, thank you so much for your patience and continuous interest in As You Are despite all the untimely delayed publishing schedules that I can squeeze in between my own real life commitments. Thank you very much once again for your love understanding! :3 (Also, long author's note ahead!)
Secondly, As You Are has reached its tenth chapter and personally, it's an amazing milestone for me because since I've started writing fanfictions back in 2007, after 12 years I have finally written a story that actually has more than 10 chapters haha It feels very good to have exceeded my own expectations! I really couldn't do it without your tremendous love. Thank you all!
Before I talk about the chapter, golly I just want to share how excited but terrified I am that Mikasa and Reiner are now reunited in canon. I don't think they'll get to have a direct conversation with each other but I somewhat have a gut feeling that a hopeful wish of mine in seeing Mikasa working together with the Armored Titan would not be so farfetched anymore at this point. What would be the odds, yeah? (Also, in my headspace, what should have happened in chapter 127 was that Mikasa would be the one to help Gabi clean Reiner's bloody face up hoho I'm sorry. In my head, they're so married. Canon be damned haha)
Also, a reader on Ao3 shared that they weren't really sure whether to be glad that Reiner Mikasa are finally getting closer to each other or would have wanted them to suffer for a little bit longer. I have a very interesting approach to that:
With Eren, as he keeps on constantly moving forward, Mikasa will always be several steps behind and she walks (sometimes running) after him. Eren was always out of her reach.
Meanwhile in this story, with Reiner, Mikasa and he are facing each other and yes there's a huge distance in between them but fate has placed them towards the other's direction. They need to close the gap between them and meet each other halfway. Now, it would seem that they are getting closer and closer to each other but there will be moments that cause either one of them to take several steps back when the other person steps forward. The tugging and pulling between Reiner and Mikasa will be challenging and mentally exhausting at some point. Tears and blood will be shed, metaphorically and literally xD That much I can promise you in what's coming in future chapters.
Moving forward, this chapter's mood is heavily inspired by Jeremy Zucker's You Were Good To Me Civil Twilight's version of Come As You Are . This chapter is a bit short because I want to make more frequent updates in 2020 shorter chapters from my usual chapter length would be a more feasible personal target. I hope I can achieve this :3 Do share your thoughts or favorite moments in the comments section below :) Happy reading!
As You Are
Chapter Ten
You Were Good to Me
Amatsukaze en route to Marley
Main Seas
The dark vast ocean reflected the glint of the almost full moon with the cold evening breeze as its loyal companion. True to Lord's Takeshi's earlier prediction, the body of water had been slowly increasing in level, forewarning a potential high rise. Reiner's hearing picked up the sounds of a far, distant rolling thunder, signifying the impending torrential downpour that would soon cross their route. His breath exhaled in wisps of smoke due to the lowering temperature despite the natural course of his inner body heat.
"It feels good to be going home again, isn't it, my Lord?" asked his steadfast immediate advising officer, standing tall several feet away as they both observed the young Grice siblings who were talking and laughing together in merriment on the main deck as they wrestled each other playfully.
Reiner sent a calm look at Lord Takeshi's way, nodded his head slowly upon envisioning the happy faces of his mother and relatives waiting in Marley before giving his own affirmation. "It is." He noticed the soft gaze in the Hizuru native's eyes as they took in the cheerful banter between the young boys.
"Do you have children, Lord Takeshi?" asked Reiner in return. Truth be told, it finally dawned upon his mind that he did not know much about his immediate second-in-command apart from him being the youngest son of the Hosokawa family.
Who would even have the time to be acquainted with each other when the world was practically on the verge of ending in the past several days?
It came as no surprise to him. After Paradis, he had made a solid resolve to never, ever let himself be on a personal level with someone again - just like he did with Eren, Armin and the rest of the boys in the 104th.
At one point, even with her.
If he was barely staying afloat in the ocean of guilt right now, the next wave of betrayal that hits would have pushed him into the suffocating depths of pitless despair.
Lord Takeshi shook his head gently, a strained smile upon his face the moment the question came from the Marley-born soldier. His response pulled Reiner back from the young lord's temporary solace within his broken headspace. "I wish we do, my Lord," answered Takeshi, "but my lady wife and I haven't been as blessed. Absolutely not for lack of trying or prayers after all these years." There was no mistaking the painful yearning in Lord Takeshi's eyes, which explained the close bond that was effortlessly established between him, Falco and Gabi within such a short time. "There have been no few losses that it breaks her heart more every time it happens and my heart breaks for hers. Alas, it is not yet Izayami's will for us to hold our own child in our arms."
There was a short silence as Lord Takeshi's words eventually sank into his head and Reiner could only express his sympathy towards his immediate right hand with a wordless nod. Apologizing for his predicament nor assuring that everything was going to be alright would only hurt Lord Takeshi more. But instead, he said, "Hope is a powerful thing as long as we keep on believing."
Maybe those words were not only meant to be shared with Lord Takeshi.
Maybe he, himself needed to hear those words for his own sake.
He had spent the last four-almost five years wanting to find the easy way out of this hell called life that the cold grazing of the rifle's metal still lingered hauntingly at the back of his throat - like a bitter pill he failed to swallow every time he tried yet the lead's poison kept spreading throughout his whole system, slowly consuming, liquifying his body from within. Though his physical injuries had healed, his insides had been decaying ever since he left Paradis with a failed mission years ago.
He has never felt so rotten to the core and that traitorous self-loathing was making itself known again.
"The dawn will always be on the horizon, my Lord and every day is a new beginning. That is what my father would always tell me and my brothers. I believe he would have said the same to you too," said Lord Takeshi, agreeing with his words.
Admiral Hosokawa made sure to drill those words straight into his head before he departed from Hizuru to go back to the place he ever truly felt at home.
Reiner let out a short sigh yet there was a small smile on his lips. Maybe that's what it was like to grow up with a father.
'It must have been nice to have a father to look up to, to teach you the wrongs to right and prepare you to become a dutiful and honorable man.'
A sliver of good-natured envy became a passing afterthought the moment he looked back at Lord Takeshi. "I could never thank you enough for your support to Mikasa and I by being here, Lord Takeshi. We are forever in your debt. Please do not hesitate to let us know if you'd ever required any favor from us."
"It is my duty towards the Azumabito family but it has truly been an honor to be of service to you and your family, my Lord." Lord Takeshi bowed respectfully while Reiner returned the gesture albeit he still couldn't get used to the extremely polite manners of the East Sea people.
"It's best if you take shelter before the rain hits, Lord Reiner," suggested the youngest Hosokawa heir, the moment his eyes caught a flash of lightning striking down from the skies above from a far distance, before bowing once again to excuse himself and bidding night to the Grice siblings.
It didn't escape Reiner's observation that despite the cool and proper demeanor, Lord Takeshi was actually a very caring person, evident from the way both Colt and Falco had immediately warmed up to the older man despite only knowing each other for only a few days. His gaze followed the silhouette of the three figures before they disappeared to the entrance heading into the lower deck, leaving Reiner alone with his thoughts.
His thoughts were filled with skewed memories that he had shared with those alive or dead in Paradis and by his own family eagerly awaiting for his return home before a vision of a black-haired beauty appeared at the back of his mind, testing his silent, untroubled resolve.
Meanwhile, deep underneath the royal sea vehicle's main deck, just below its open navigation station, there was the main chamber - a former Captain's cabin refurbished to accommodate the temporary living arrangements of the Princess of Hizuru and her new royal consort. The medium-sized space was large enough to accommodate a writing table on one side of the iron interior, overlooking the seas through the full-paneled window panes, right beneath the ship's figurehead; a mythical beast, with wide-spread wings, soaring upwards towards the heavenly skies above, befitting of the ship's namesake. A sleeping berth, only slightly larger than a single-sized bed, was attached against the wall next to the writing-table. The soft mattress was covered with dark red satin sheets with a matching draping canopy on top, in which Akane took pride in as she looked at her handiwork in preparing for her young Mistress and their new Lord. The youngest and only daughter of the Akayama family - the clan of sworn loyalists to the Azumabitos - pondered whether she should consider lighting several scented tea candles to help ease the newlyweds into a more welcoming environment yet the last thing she would have wanted to happen was for the room to be on fire. She shook her head at the ridiculous idea birthed by her own concern, deciding to only make use of the candelabra in storage instead.
However, despite all that she had witnessed due to her untimely interruption during Lady Mikasa's wedding night and the whispered words amongst the servants, Akane would be the only one to know that Lord Reiner and Lady Mikasa's marriage was still far from being consummated. While she was preparing the herbal tea for her mistress, Akane couldn't refrain herself from observing the hearty interaction between Lady Mikasa and Lord Reiner's younger cousin who was perched comfortably on the bed. It still amazes her on how quickly the two of them had grown close despite only knowing each other for less than a week.
"I'm pretty sure you've met Reiner's mother. My dad is Aunt Karina's younger brother. I was born two years before Reiner graduated from the Warrior program," shared Gabi as she rested her head against her folded knees, sitting with her back against the wall. Mikasa, who had just changed into her night shift, rooted herself next to the young girl on the soft mattress, her long legs barely grazing the floor due to the bed's height. Her hands folded neatly and she rested them on her lap, relishing in the smoothness of the light blue yukata's silky fabric. Gabi's story piqued her interest in spite of already knowing that Gabi had become close to Reiner only after his return from Paradis five years ago.
"How about Reiner's father?," asked Mikasa with genuine curiosity, presuming that Karina's husband had passed away since surprisingly there was no mention of him at all even by anyone from Hizuru or Marley. Paradis even.
Gabi blinked back, recalling all that she could remember about her older cousin's father. "No one in the family knows whether he is still alive or not but what we do know is that he's a Marleyan and Aunt Karina used to work together with him in the capital." There was a slight pause before she continued, "That was also the reason why Reiner worked so hard to be one of the Titan inheritors so our family can become honorary citizens of Marley. But, though our family had become honorary citizens, we still had never seen or heard from his dad ever since Reiner left for Paradis."
Mikasa nodded, partially understanding of Reiner's situation from Gabi's story and most of it was only reinforced by her own personal observation during the Survey Corps excursion only the year before. The prejudice and discrimination faced by the Eldians on Marley had been just as worst, if not more, as it has been for the Eldians in Paradis.
How could she ever forget the memory of the young boy whose family had offered warm hospitality for them even when they were strangers or even when they could barely feed their own family? Or even the moment she witnessed the aftermath of Eren's assault in Liberio months later - piles of strewn dead bodies of children and women buried underneath the debris of destruction.
Eren deemed their deaths necessary but Mikasa believed that they weren't.
She wasn't sure what to believe anymore when it comes to Eren.
"You know, Mikasa," continued Gabi, "I couldn't remember the last time Reiner ever smiled until today." If it wasn't for the innocent glint in her eyes, Mikasa would have believed the little girl was trying to tease her again.
Akane nodded silently to herself, agreeing with the young Miss's words. During dinner earlier, there was no mistaking the stolen glances Lord Reiner had been sending towards the princess even when he was in the middle of a conversation with Mr. Grice and his younger brother, and her with his cousin. It was a beautiful view as if Akane herself was getting a glimpse into Lady Mikasa's near or far distant future. Their princess deserves a big family to call her own after everything she had gone through.
"..." The younger girl's words caught her off guard and disrupted her train of thought, her visible puzzlement prompted a toothy grin from Gabi.
Gabi nodded fervently. "I'm serious. Maybe he's finally happy because his mission's completed and we're finally going back home for good or maybe because he's going to be a father too. No one knows but I'm very glad he is smiling again because of you."
Mikasa stammered. She was at a loss for words exactly the way she did that night before the day Eren left the team to move out on executing his own plan. "I…..Gabi, about that. It's very impossible for us to have a child anytime soon." Mikasa sent a concerned and worried look at Akane, afraid that she would not be able to articulate the right explanation without possibly destroying the girl's hopeful wish.
"Is it because you hate him?" The girl's brown eyes widened and her lips curved downwards in what Mikasa hoped wasn't a disappointment.
Her downcast eyes glazed over the smaller figure next to her. "Not quite...but it is a bit complicated."
Gabi quipped, "I understand. You're still angry at him….." Her words couldn't have strayed too far from the horrible truth, which Mikasa wasn't even sure of herself, right now. "How could you feel something other than anger for him, right? Not after what he did to your home and your family. B-but it's really not entirely his fault, Mikasa. He had no choice."
The short-haired noble nodded gently yet remained silent. She was no longer holding it against him. That much she could reaffirm by now.
"But, will you ever forgive him?"
"Gabi….." Mikasa reached out to place her slightly calloused hand on top of the young girl's before continuing, "Things like this take time."
"Which Reiner doesn't have much of," whispered Gabi in a broken voice, right before turning her face inwards onto her own knees. Her shoulders heaved as she began to weep for her cousin's fate. "I- I don't want him to die because of the curse. Can't we ask Eren Jeager to remove it completely? He used the Founder's powers to take back all the Titan powers. He could also lift the curse right?" mumbled Gabi to herself, but her muffled words were still as clear as day to Mikasa.
The girl's dejected plea tugged at the bottom of Mikasa's heart and she instantaneously shifted closer, pulling Gabi's head against her chest, letting the girl's tears soak the fabric slowly. "He doesn't deserve to die so soon, Mikasa."
Nothing. There was just nothing that she could possibly say as the right answer to Gabi's burning questions. Though through their current conversation, it wouldn't be too strange for Mikasa to deduce that Gabi might have not been in the know of Reiner's suicidal tendencies after all these years, that he was yearning to meet his end way before the curse was supposed to rob him of his soul.
She understood now. Reiner had been protecting his little cousin from his own agony by sparing her the pain through hiding his own suffering to himself.
Just like Eren.
But what they both did not realize was that by keeping people that they care for in the dark would eventually hurt them even more in the end.
Mikasa held Gabi even tighter instead.
Eren and Reiner were so much alike in that sense and that realization brought a sudden ache deep inside her chest, exactly at the place where Gabi's head was resting.
"Milady….." Akane stepped forward to assist but Mikasa was very quick in dismissing her handmaiden. "It's alright, Akane. You should get some rest yourself. I'll take care of her."
The Hizuru maid nodded halfheartedly towards the dismissal. The three of them had been sharing the same chamber for the past few days that she thought that maybe tonight would finally be the time that the Lord and Lady would have their much-needed privacy together.
To Akane, it would be one less hurdle she had to overcome and at the same time, a step closer to ensuring the continuity of the royal blood. Her mother had stressed out the importance of the union and how big of an impact the future heir would have to the treaty and as the chosen handmaiden to the Lady Mikasa, it was her sacred duty to ease the process to completion.
Akane hesitated. If it was just a stranger that the princess had married, it would have been a lot less complicated than the situation they were currently in. After being divulged of the real story by the princess several nights ago when they were back at the Island, without leaving out any crucial details, Lady Mikasa finally helped her understand the bewildering history that took place between her and Lord Reiner. There was without a doubt, some hyperventilation on her part but that did not change the fact that Lady Mikasa had been having a harder time and it took a lot more than her physical strength to retain her composure since the wedding while finding herself thrown into an unwanted battle to prevent a global-scale war soon after all while protecting her loved ones in Paradis.
Tears were shed for her Mistress when the princess was barely sleeping upon knowing everything that had happened.
Nonetheless, Akane bowed and excused herself but she remained vigil against the door the moment she let it closed behind her, leaving the princess and her new ward alone.
She couldn't remember when she had fallen asleep right in front of the door but the moment she heard the Lord's voice calling for her name, she haphazardly stood straight to greet him with a hasty bow, earning a concern from the Marley-born Eldian.
"Is everything alright? Is Gabi giving you trouble again?," asked Lord Reiner, an evident worry reflected on his face.
Akane gulped in nervousness as she lifted her head to look up at their young Lord.
How could she possibly help bridge the distance between their Lord and Lady before he runs out of time?
The end of Reiner's lips curved up into a wide smile while he shook his head in sheer amusement the moment his eyes took in the scene right in front of him as soon as he stepped into his chamber; Gabi, sleeping with her head nestled against Mikasa's shoulder, looking snug and comfortable being cocooned by the older woman's embrace, who was also fast asleep. He really wouldn't mind taking the floor instead of moving Gabi back to her own room that she shared with Mikasa's handmaiden, but the young Hizuru girl was very adamant in bringing his sleeping cousin back with her. Therefore, after carefully prying his little cousin away from Mikasa's sleeping figure, he carried the girl away into her own bunk while Mikasa's handmaiden disappeared towards the direction of the ship's kitchen.
When he made his way back to the chamber that he'll be sharing with his new bride, Reiner's heartbeat increased its tempo, much to the contrary of the slow, exhausted steps of his own two feet. They have not been in the same bedroom, even more so on the same bed since their wedding night and he was secretly relieved that his wife had drifted off to sleep. If their earlier kiss was of any indication, he genuinely believed that Mikasa was beginning to warm up to him and if it wasn't because of Gabi's untimely interruption, Reiner wasn't very sure that he would be able to refrain himself from tasting more than just her lips.
His guilt be damned.
The moment he walked back to the room, he'd noticed that she had been changing her sleeping position, clutching her pillow much too hard in her hands. Her face shifted into uneasiness, evident through a visible frown, as she seemed to be fighting off another intrusion inside her sleep. Her dark tresses an unfurled mess against the dark red pillowcase.
He stood tall, overlooking the berth, his own hands trembling within the folds of his overcoat's pockets. Mikasa's slender form began to curl inwards, a hand grasping against the empty space beside her, navigating through the darkness within. Her fingers crumpled the soft sheet - looking for someone who wasn't there.
Someone who obviously wasn't him.
Reiner took in a deep breath, deeper than the one he had been holding the first time he placed a gun next to his own head.
Should he-?
His dried up throat reminded him that he'd been holding his breath and words far too long for his own comfort and the fact that he's looming over his sleeping wife's figure, made him feel more of a creep than a companion.
Would she push him away if he held her hand in his just like the way they did back at the conference hall?
During their training days on Paradis, they never talked much or even frequently with each other but when they did, it was about either Eren, Armin, kitchen duty or excursions. He remembered since he was close to both of the boys, he had sat down together with the three childhood friends for supper on certain nights, yet she would always keep her head low, seemingly uninterested with their conversation.
He wasn't even worth her glance.
He remembered her as the aloof and stoic girl when they were younger and he was very sure she couldn't be bothered at all with his presence. Because to her, the only thing -- no, the person that mattered to her back then was only Eren, followed closely by Armin. Though he did remember she had been nothing short of kind to him until the day he confessed his own betrayal.
Reiner suddenly felt the sudden rise of warmth inside the room, a huge opposite to the lowering temperature of the sea outside and it took him away from his reminiscence. Several claps of thunder could be heard lightly yet stronger from before. There was no mistaking that the storm would hit in the next hour.
He ran a hand through his hair, the tresses felt coarse and mucky to his touch due to the condensed salty sea breeze. He was also not unmindful to his own musky scent, too strong for his own liking, saturating into the sweat trickling from within his shirt, after being under the sun hours earlier. The dried up sweat spots on his body began to make its discomfort known - itching on the dried, tanned skin.
His nose scrunched up in disgust at his own filth and the after scent of tobacco only made him feel worse. In a way, he was somewhat glad that his younger bride was already out like a light. She was barely tolerating his presence and he'd be pushing it if he just went to sleep in his day clothes even though he'll be camping on the creaking wooden floor of the sea vessel.
He lifted the metal chain around his neck and placed it on top of the nightstand. He allowed his own two feet to carry him towards the cabin's bathroom, removing his boots and placing them next to the bathroom door. It shut down gently on its own. A relief sigh escaped his thin and slightly-chapped lips the moment the first draft of hot water touched the top of his head. He took his time in savoring the therapeutic flow from the metal shower head, basking in the luxury of a bath that he was very grateful for the moment it hit his body. He had been either too tired or too preoccupied with critical military and political discussions for the past several days to even be bothered with a simple necessity such as a bath.
He closed his eyes in reprieve and he rested his head against the bathroom's wall, lost in his own emptiness and dread, with a fist glued to the lacquered wooden surface. His breath began to regulate his heartbeat as the kinks on his back muscle slowly became undone; the water did wonders to revitalize his bone-tired system.
It was only when the skin on his face and hand had been marred red - burnt from the high temperature of water and steam - did he turn the faucet off, letting the remaining water flow down the drain. After shaking the excess liquid from his darkened blonde hair, he took the awaiting towel, neatly folded and hung on the nearby railing and wrapped it around his waist. He stepped out of the bathroom door unhurriedly, not wanting to intrude upon his bride's slumber.
He just did not expect her to be sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his military identification in her hands. Her long, dainty fingers brushed against the inscription of his name, title, and division in Marley's native language that was engraved on the metal tags.
The moderate-sized chamber seemed smaller now that she's wide awake.
Mikasa turned the thin metals back and forth, trying to make sense of the object in her hold. The flat metal surfaces were too cold to her touch.
Reiner cleared his throat before asking, "Did I wake you up?".
Her head shook gently in response, looking up towards his direction upon that instance, her eyes widened the moment she took in the view of his torso on full display with only a bath towel preserving his modesty. Even in the dim light of the candles, Mikasa's sharp gaze could still notice the way several remaining water droplets from his earlier bath drizzled down his chest, moving further down the contoured skin of his abdomen, disappearing into the cotton fabric - exactly at the end of his muscle lines.
He was not oblivious to the way her eyes glazed over him but he would know better that there was nothing but revolt in those gray eyes.
Mikasa averted her gaze away the moment she noticed that he had been staring at her too, causing Reiner to fumble around fervently in the dimly lit room, looking for anything he could use to cover himself up. A light yukata was offered to him from the only other occupant of the room, whose eyes were blinking nervously, seemingly more interested in the pattern of the oriental mat on the floor instead. He mumbled a small 'Thank you' while he had the dark blue fabric wrapped around his body.
Mikasa directed her downcast eyes back to him and hesitated for a short moment before saying, "Hange-san...she told me what happened at the Trost barracks the night when Annie's crystal broke and what happened the day after."
Reiner's form stiffened, stunned with her sudden question. His own amber eyes darted back shakily towards her. There was a tiny sound of twisted metals and he stared in sheer horror upon realizing that Mikasa had grasped the metal pieces too hard inside her hands that they bent out of their original shapes.
She was angry - no, fuming, he understood it way much better now.
Her voice broke into a struggling whisper. "Do I not deserve to know what happened?"
Reiner stammered with a reply of his own. "I-I never meant to hide anything from you. I couldn't tell you what happened with Marc-"
"Why?"
"Annie, did you have anything to do with Marco's death?"
It took a while for the flaxen-haired female shifter to respond. After several deep breaths, she finally gave her answer. "I took Marco's gear and that's why Marco was devoured by a Titan."
"Annie just obeyed my order," declared Reiner, stepping into the conversation. He couldn't allow any more dishonesty to remain undisclosed and he couldn't let Annie shoulder the blame for the decision he had made in desperation. "Marco overheard a conversation between Bertolt and I that had to be kept a secret. I feared that our true identities would be found out….." He swallowed the air that was stuck in his throat bitterly before continuing, "I thought if Marco was killed by a Titan it would silence him well."
He could feel the piercing glare coming from Jean, whose hands had begun shaking, contorting in anger.
He forced himself to offer his side of the story, with full knowledge that he would further invoke the wrath of the unfortunate Marco's best friend. "I...I threw Marco onto a roof in midair and while I was holding him down so he couldn't move, Annie did what I ordered her to do."
"Marco couldn't move from the spot and he was eaten by a Titan who came from behind him."
Jean looked up with narrow scrutiny, a dark shadow on his face. "Marco…...he didn't say any last words?"
"He said….'We still haven't talked'..." He looked down in shame, fully aware of the confused look on Armin and Commander Hange's face and the forlorn look reflected on Annie's.
Hange intervened, attempting to mediate the distressing conversation. "Yet, look where we are right now. We have sat down together, talked, discussed, drank and broke bread together and we would continue to do so for the future so we could preserve the peace that is beginning. Who would have imagined this?"
Reiner's conscience was killing him from the inside. He did not mean to disrespect the Commander but he couldn't stop himself. "While I was watching Marco being eaten alive by that Titan, I…..I asked myself, why is he being eaten? And then I let myself be overcome by rage and I killed that Titan while saying 'You did this to Marco'."
Jean cut his words off with an indifferent look on his face. "Enough already. You went crazy because of your sense of guilt, didn't you?"
"Do not forgive me….I…..really have no idea what to do."
"I said enough already."
"I'm sorry….."
He saw it coming. He knew Jean was lunging at him the moment the apology left his mouth and he didn't fight back or even defend himself. He deserved Jean's anger, his rage, his hatred. For every strike from the younger man's fists to his face, he prayed and prayed that Jean's anger would be the killing blow that ends his misery. The immense pain he felt the moment his face busted open and his blood that sprayed against the cell's wall and floor couldn't even measure up to the weight of his sins.
Maybe death wasn't too far away…..
Just a little bit more, Jean.
Yet, Armin stepped up to restrain the Survey Corps Squad Leader and spared him from more excruciating injuries. The same Armin who had his own best friend's powers yet he knew he had no right to be angry at all.
"Jean, that's enough. Stand down!." Hange commanded her immediate subordinate sternly, only reminding all the occupants inside the room that violence will not resolve anything. "I understand your anger, Jean, but if you harm Reiner any further, it's us who will be answerable to the Hizuru empire and the alliance we've worked hard to establish."
"Fuck the alliance. Fuck Hizuru. Fuck everyone!" Jean shouted back at no one in particular, yet his eyes darted back at Reiner who could barely open his eyes in between the dripping blood on his face. "And fuck you, Reiner! You took the woman I've ever loved and you killed my best friend. Just because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time? What else? What more do you want to take from me?!" Jean's hand ruffled his own hair in utter frustration, before clutching the sides of his head, angry tears spilling down his face. "Mikasa doesn't deserve this piece of shit, Commander and you just handed her to him."
The grim look on Hange's face could not hide the sympathy contained within her visible eye to both younger men who were demoralized pawns of war themselves. "Even if that is true, Mikasa chose to carry on with the alliance. Mikasa chose the higher route with Reiner, no matter how painful or difficult it has been for her. If you really care about Mikasa, for once, you should respect her wishes because she chose peace."
Reiner could barely lift himself up from the floor and was partially conscious the moment he realized Annie was the one who helped him rest against the cold wall of the underground cell. The ensuing silence was a painful pill for everyone to swallow.
"I am terrified. I don't want to hurt you more than I have."
He collapsed against the wooden floor, a repulsive, blubbering mess against her bare feet. Begging for her mercy and her forgiveness, he broke into inconsolable tears. He was weak and couldn't be even more pathetic than he already was in her eyes. He dropped all pretense of his earlier strength. The strength of a man - an impostor - who dared to offer her comfort when he, himself had no more will to live. "I'm the worst piece of scum and I know my apologies are meaningless. If my death can bring back all the lives I had to take…. there's never been a day where I did not wish I was dead, Mikasa."
She remained wordless yet she threw the skewed metal tags down and watched in distaste as they landed against the wooden floor with a loud clunk. They were nothing more than a brand that treats people as possession or property. The same way Eren's scarf had felt around her neck.
They both knew how their wedding night ended and here they were again.
Rinse and repeat. For how long, none of them knows. They could fight and cry about their past sins or they could stop all of that to make room for something else other than hatred.
Reiner didn't even dare to move and he couldn't even fight the hands that clutched against the collars of the yukata he was wearing, pulling him against her chest.
In the cold of the night, she was so warm like burning candles in the darkness.
His tears continued to soak the shoulder of her yukata and her calm stillness was not as cold as he expected it to be.
God, it felt so good to be held like this.
Reiner yielded into her arms and laid his head upon her beating heart, her firm hands holding him close to her own warmth. He may not be able to forgive himself and live with his sins but he had her forgiveness anyway.
She was and still is good to him even though he wasn't born to have anything good in his life.
Come what may, she was all that matters and that fact terrified him even more.
A/N: I couldn't resist including chapter 127's scene as I feel that was a very important closure for both Jean and Reiner. Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this chapter as always, do share your thoughts and comments!
