Chapter 18 of In Love & War
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Author: Isabelle
Summary: Post 1.13. Chuck Bass left New York after he lost Blair and Nate in one day. Years later, a deep economic crisis has left the world broke, and the only family in the UES with money left is the Bass family and its sole heir: Chuck Bass. Eleanor convinces Blair to marry Chuck for his money, but all the feelings Blair left buried a long time ago start to surface when she realizes he's not the man she thought he was. CB. NV.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Gossip Girl, not any quotes/lyrics used.
Rating: PG-15
A/N – A special thanks to the ever lovely Tatiana for her BETA.
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"What is done in love is done well."
Vincent VanGogh
Chuck tried to lift Vanessa, but he was still healing, so Blair pulled him back and began to yell for the servants.
Mr. Grant quickly appeared, along with some maids, and with everyone's help, they managed to carry Vanessa to Blair's old room.
"Call Susana," Blair snapped at one of the maids, and the girls scurried off. "And Dorota!"
Blair and Chuck's eyes met for a moment, and they looked at one another worriedly. Blair quickly went to untie Vanessa's thick scarf as Chuck added more wood to the fire in the room to make it nice and toasty.
Blair checked Vanessa' forehead and pulled back with a hiss, glancing at Chuck, who was hovering over her with sunken eyes.
"She's burning up," Blair told him and pulled Vanessa's gloves off while Chuck untied her shoes. Blair instantly noticed the Vanderbilt ring on Vanessa's finger and looked away. Chuck saw her and his jaw tightened. He knew that ring. He'd grown up hearing of it just like Blair had.
Blair touched Vanessa's face, patting her cheek. "Vanessa, wake up – wake up," Blair urged her, but the girl didn't respond, she simply moaned in her sleep. "Shit," she whispered.
Dorota burst through the room with Jacob in tow, and her eyes widened when she saw the girl on the bed.
"Help me undress her. Chuck, get a nightgown from the drawer," Blair ordered. Between Blair and Dorota, they had Vanessa down to her thin dress, which was filthy and smelled like a sewer.
"She was wandering the village calling for Chuck Bass when Jonas found her," Jacob said as he brought them a bucket of warm water with a small towel and, when the men left, Dorota and Blair removed the dirty dress from the girl's shivering form, stripped her naked, and washed her carefully, removing grime from her body.
"She hasn't bathed in months," Blair remarked, scrunching her nose as she threw Vanessa's old clothes in a bag and thrust them out the door to Jacob. There really was nothing more they could do with her hair, which was long and dirty, so Blair tied it back and away from her face.
Dorota helped place an extra-large t-shirt on the girl's form because it was the only thing she would fit into. Blair wanted her covered because, despite her prolonged pregnancy, you could see her ribs. It made Blair sick to her stomach.
Once they had her changed and bathed, Chuck and Jacob came back in with Susana, who took one look at Vanessa and bit her lip. Blair knew it was not a good sign, but persevered. One of the maids brought a broth that the cook made and set it next to Vanessa's limp form.
They watched as Susana pressed an old stethoscope to Vanessa's belly and nodded. "It's still alive. There's still a heartbeat." Then she moved to take her temperature.
"105," she said tersely. Blair sighed and pressed her hand to her mouth, her heart beating erratically. "Dissolve two aspirins in a small cup of water. Let's see if we can get her to drink them. And we need to get her to eat something."
Dorota quickly went for the aspirin and water, and Susana and Blair tried to get Vanessa to drink it. After some time, Vanessa slowly opened her eyes and instantly recognized Blair.
"Blair?" She asked hoarsely.
Blair nodded at her, and her eyes widened when Vanessa's thin hands reached out to her.
"My baby…" she whispered.
"It's still alive," Blair told her and pushed her back down on the bed. Vanessa's face crumbled, and she let out a dry sob.
"I was so afraid… I was so afraid." Blair held her hand tightly.
"Vanessa… Where's Nate?" Blair asked with a trembling voice, and she felt Chuck standing next to her, peering down at the girl.
Vanessa's eyes found his form, and she licked her dry lips.
"Where is he?" Chuck demanded.
More sobs as she shook her head from side to side. "He's gone…"
Blair's chest felt tight, and she knew Chuck was rigid next to her.
"… When he lost his job…" Her teeth were chattering. "… He j-joined the army…"
Chuck ran his hand over his hair and his jaw twitched.
"… He didn't know I was p-pregnant. He wouldn't have left otherwise…" Blair smoothed her hair back and nodded at her. "… He's been missing. No one would tell me anything…"
Blair pressed a cold cloth that Dorota handed her to Vanessa's forehead as the girl sobbed.
"… My employer had to let me g-go, but he said that you asked about us," she said to Chuck, and Chuck nodded. "…Nate once said that if I needed something… Or if he went missing, to find you. That you would help."
"Of course," Chuck nodded, and Blair agreed with him.
"I want my husband back… I just… Want him back…" Vanessa's face crumbled.
"Sshhhhh," Blair soothed her, running the cool cloth over her face as she squirmed away.
"I'm so cold," Vanessa whispered, closing her eyes.
"How did you get here?" Chuck demanded.
"My employer got me a ticket… On the boat. They said you were somewhere in Scotland… I've been searching for… So long… For months…" And she was back to being asleep. Her body was still shivering, and she was balmy and shaky.
Blair turned to look at Chuck, who wore the darkest expression she had ever seen on him, as he looked on at the passed out Vanessa.
"Chuck…" she whispered, but he turned sharply and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him and making her jump slightly. Blair made to go after him, but Susana held her hand down. Blair met the girl's sharp eyes.
"She may not make it," she whispered. Blair swallowed.
"She will," Blair snapped and walked out.
She found him slumped against the door of his study, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head cast down – his hair was over his eyes. She saw the horrible look that was crossing his face at the moment, but stood before him resolutely.
He knew she was there; he knew that perfectly well. He was hoping she would go away, let him stew over the news he'd just received.
"It's not your fault." Was the first and only thing she could think of, knowing it was the only thing crossing in his mind. She could see it in his eyes; in the way his neck was hunched tensely forward. His entire demeanor screamed 'I've killed my best friend, and now his wife is dying'.
"Chuck…" Blair pressed her hand under his chin and forced him to look at her. "Look at me… It's not your fault."
She felt his jaw twitch and crack in her hand.
"You don't know…" Chuck whispered. "You just don't."
"I do know!" Blair insisted. "You think he didn't hate you back? He did! I felt it… I felt it when he kissed me, I felt it when he touched me … I could see it in his eyes. Every single moment that he looked at me, all he could see was you. Us. Just covered in one another. He would've pushed you away… You cannot be the only blamed party."
Chuck looked away, and she studied his profile. "What are you thinking, what's going on in your head?"
He said not a word. It was like the Chuck she had seen and been with these past few weeks was slowly slipping away, being replaced by a cold, calculating man. And she was left alone. All alone with her love and her memories of the man he could possibly be.
"Miss Blair!" Dorota cried for her around the corner, and both of them rushed towards the room and back to reality.
Blair was there in a second. Vanessa was awake once more, and Susana had propped her up on pillows. She was grimacing and panting.
"She's gone into labor," Susana said grimly, and Blair blanched, grasping Vanessa's hand in hers.
Vanessa stared at her. "Can you find him –" She let out a grunt, gasping. " – Find him, please."
"I will," Chuck declared from behind Blair, nodding at her. "We will find him."
Vanessa tried to smile, but it came out as a weak grunt. She fell back on the pillows, sighing as tears escaped her eyes.
"She's too weak…" Susana whispered to Blair. Blair met her eyes resolutely.
"She will survive this birthing, she will.," Blair countered, and Chuck stared at her.
Vanessa stared at the two women talking softly. "What's going on with my baby? … What's wrong with my baby?"
"We don't know about the child," Susana said and folded more towels under Vanessa's legs.
But Vanessa's eyes were on Blair – wide, green, and afraid. "Blair…"
Blair tried to smile. "You're going to be fine; you and your baby will be fine."
Blair watched as she scrunched up all her pretty features and grunted loudly. "Oh, God… It hurts…"
"Shhh…." Blair looked pleadingly at Susana, who had now placed a white blanket over Vanessa's legs so that she could spread them. The light of the fire cast a soft glow over the room, and the warmth was both welcoming and stifling. Jacob pulled a reluctant Chuck out of the room as Blair, Dorota, Susana, and two other maids scampered in and out of the room.
Vanessa's fever was not letting up, and she started going in and out of consciousness. When she would wake she would, at times, talk of nonsense, and at others, she would chill Blair to the bone.
"If it's a boy… Name him Nathaniel…" She whispered when she woke sometime that night, and Blair's spine felt like ice.
"You will name him whatever the hell you like…" Blair told her, nodding. Vanessa had smiled sadly at her then. A smile so sad that it broke her heart.
She had fallen asleep, and Blair stood, cracking her back, as she went to look for Chuck. He sat alone outside, his shirt un-tucked, his tie long gone, his sleeves rolled up, and his hair a mess. He was also drunk.
She was so tired, so very tired that she could simply lie down and sleep for hours. Just sleep her life away until, when she woke, she would be a smiling school girl and all this darkness that was just suffocating them would be lifted.
She sat across from him in the narrow hallway, and his eyes slowly met hers. There was such anger, pain, and hurt in them that she wanted to cry out.
"I fell asleep for a moment… And I saw what would happen…" he whispered, so very low that she had to cease breathing to understand his muffled words. "I wondered to myself if that's the pain my mother went through as I killed her…"
Blair opened her mouth as her eyes widened in horror.
"If she screamed like that. And then I realized it probably was," he continued. "And my father sat outside listening to her scream…"
"Chuck –"
"So when I found out that you couldn't ever give me a child… I was saddened… and relieved," he interrupted her. "Because you would never scream like that…"
She stood up and slowly kneeled before him. His eyes widened slightly at her act, but he continued his rhythmic breathing. She reached out and tried to touch his face, but he pulled away. "… In my dream, Vanessa died… And you were finally able to have Nathaniel."
Blair shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.
"… And it would make sense, you know."
"Stop it –" Blair pleaded. "Stop doing this to yourself and to us – please!"
" – And I can't help but wonder – " His eyes were lost to her. "Will you always chose him?"
"I've chosen you, I've told you this – what else do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?" She demanded, her lower lip trembling. She knew he was making no sense, knew he was not thinking right, but she still wanted to shake him. Wanted to hit him until he snapped out of it.
"I want you to look at me," he spat. "The way you looked at him."
Blair took a breath and glared at him. "I will never look at you that way – I was a child, I didn't know! I was a stupid kid in love with an idea – this beautifully concocted idea!"
"I want to be the idea!" He roared, standing up and glaring down at her.
She gasped and reeled back at the anger emanating from him. She knew he was drunk, she knew he meant nothing of what he said. She knew she couldn't be angry with him – he was having some serious issues at the moment, and they had nothing to do with her. Or did they? Had all these things sprung from that one moment all those years ago? That pivotal moment between them on a bar. Her choosing Nate? Her being wrong? Him hurting her?
Or where they Chuck's issues? Things he had never resolved about his father, his mother, his best friend – and they had nothing to do with her?
And no matter what angry words he cried out at her, they had nothing to do with her?
She didn't know, but one thing she was certain. She had to let him go. She had to stand by him, but she had to let him act out the way he needed to act out until he was ready. Until he would come to her. For her. For them.
He had lived thousands of days away from them all, his anger and resentment fermenting inside of his soul until all that was left was his desperate need to forgive himself and just himself.
"Ma'am…" Susana poked her head out and nodded at her. Blair acknowledged her and quickly glanced at Chuck, who was once more lost in his darkness.
"I wish you would find Nate. But not for me… for his wife and his child… and for you," Blair whispered to him. "… You're going to find that the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in this life is forgive yourself," she continued. "It took me three years to fully forgive myself for what I had done to my body… I hope that one day you will also know that peace."
She left him alone, walking back to Vanessa and her screams.
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He closed his eyes against the shrieks originating from the room. Screams of pain and suffering. Screams of something ending. Those screams were killing Chuck Bass. It had taken him around two years to be complete immune to the happenings of his friends and family in the Upper East Side. About two years, twenty-four months. Going back was a mistake, marrying Blair was a mistake, loving her was another one. His life was riddled with mistakes. Had he just forgotten about this Blair wouldn't be here, Vanessa wouldn't be here and he wouldn't have cared at all what was happening to them.
He wouldn't care if Nathaniel was lost somewhere and killed. He wouldn't have cared if his wife was alone now giving birth to the last Archibald. He wouldn't have. Yet here he was, the great Chuck Bass, bachelors extraordinary, precarious youth, abandoning reason for insanity. Because he couldn't think straight, he knew the words he said made no sense, he knew this because his internal thoughts were contradictions of what he wanted. He wanted Blair, wanted her forever but he didn't want her. He wanted Nate safe but he wanted him never to come close to Blair. He wanted Vanessa to live but he wanted her to die so that another human being could experience what he had to endure all of his life. But the thought of someone else hating themselves like he'd hated himself made his stomach churn so he drank and drank a lot.
He didn't know what he wanted, what he thoughts – but one thing was certain as certain as the fact that Ruby was hiding at the end of the hallway listening to the screaming and the sobbing. He had to leave. He had to breathe.
"Sir… Can I get you anything?"
"Yes," he answered his faithful servant. Jacob stood to attention, ready for any mundane order that Chuck would thrust his way. "I want to know – within the hour – where the fuck Nathaniel Archibald is located."
Jacob's mouth opened to protest.
" – And if you cannot deliver, don't bother coming back." His voice held a certain finality to it. One that spoke of many things and of nothing.
Chuck's dark stare followed Jacob's hunched form as he walked away from him with his assignment weighing in on his shoulders.
A scream broke his thoughts, and he died just a little bit inside.
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Vanessa' small form arched off the bed. Blair stared, wide eyed, as blood flowed from between her legs, and she saw Susana's grave face handing Dorota the bloodied towels and collecting a fresh one to be stained anew.
The girl fell back on the pillows exhausted, her eyes closing, her lips chapped, and her face pale and pasty. Blair continued murmuring to her that it would be alright, passing her damp towel over her face.
"Talk to me – tell me things," Blair encouraged her, nodding and attempting to distract her. Vanessa licked her lips and, with her eyes still closed, she smiled slightly.
"Nate proposed to me under a tree. It was summer, and we had exactly forty-one dollars." She smiled at the memory. "When I saw the ring, I told him we should sell it and buy grains for a few months, but he said… He said it was the last piece of the Archibald fortune, and he wanted me to have it."
Blair stared at the ring in Vanessa's hand. It hung loose on her finger from all the weight loss the girl had undergone.
"When I was hungry, I was tempted forty-one times to sell it," she whispered. "But I couldn't… Then he would be really gone."
Blair smiled. "Chuck will find him, he will bring him back, and then all of you can live here with us."
Vanessa slowly opened her eyes and stared at Blair. There was pure desperation and loss. "Chuck… He loves you…"
Blair swallowed and held back her tears as the girl, once more, curved off the bed, screaming.
"It's time," Susana announced and looked grimly at Blair, who refused to look back. Blair watched Vanessa push and push until she had pushed all of her life and soul out, and the distinct cries of a child filled the room.
Blair turned and stared with wide eyes as the small thing shook and screamed as if someone was killing it.
"It's very thin, but looks healthy." Susana looked relieved, but not as relieved as Blair felt. Dorota reached out and wrapped the baby in a clean sheet the moment Susana cut the chord with scissors. Blair, with tears in her eyes, looked back at Vanessa, who was passed out on the bed and didn't see her child when it came out.
"A girl. A little girl." Dorota looked teary as she rocked the baby.
"She's bleeding –" Susana attempted to work between Vanessa's legs. "I don't know… I don't know how to stop it, or even why she's bleeding."
Blair looked helplessly at the form of the mother. "Vanessa!" She shook the girl slightly. Only moans came out of Vanessa's lips.
"We need a doctor…" Susana said. "I don't know how to save her."
Blair's breath hitched. "Tell Chuck."
Dorota placed the crying baby on a small little crib that someone in the village had volunteered, and the baby wrestled with the blanket that Dorota used to cover her up. Chuck walked quickly behind Susana and stared at Vanessa's form, his face darkening.
He watched as she moaned in her sleep. He watched as blood continued to stain the white sheet between her legs, blood just flowing out of her at an alarming rate. He needed to breathe.
"I've sent my four fastest men to see what they can find…" he said and then stalked out. Blair would have gone after him if Susana hadn't requested her help to try to elevate Vanessa as best they could. By the time they had propped her legs on the pillows and the bleeding had lessened, the baby was asleep. Dorota had fed it a bottle of warm milk. Vanessa was in no condition to breastfeed and her lack of nutrition was evident in her nearly shrunken breasts.
Susana and Dorota walked out, leaving Blair alone with Vanessa, crouched down next to her figure. Hours ticked by as the baby slept.
Her back hurt, her eyes stung, but she dared not let go of the hand softly grasping hers.
"Vanessa…" Blair whispered, shaking her a little bit. She was afraid. She hadn't woken in a few hours, and she could hear Chuck pacing outside.
Slowly light green eyes blinked at her.
"I'm so cold…" she whispered softly.
"We're trying to get a doctor…" Blair whispered to her. "Just hang on. You must hang on for your daughter."
The other girl smiled slightly at her. "Take care of her… Please…"
She took a shallow breath and Blair blanched. "No. What are you talking about? You're going to be just fine," she assured her.
It turned into a sad smile.
"Let me see her…"
Blair quickly nodded and brought the sleeping baby to Vanessa, placing her next to her since she was too weak to pick her up. Vanessa shed tears.
"She's so beautiful… Melanie… Her name is Melanie…" Vanessa whispered.
"Melanie Archibald." Blair nodded, tucking the baby into her blanket as she snuggled into Blair's touch.
The baby seemed to sense her mother and turned to look at Vanessa.
"She's got his eyes," Vanessa smiled, tears trickling down her face.
"Yes… So, you see, everything will be fine. Chuck will find Nate, and the three of you will be alright and taken care of. I swear it," Blair assured her.
Vanessa turned to Blair, and Blair thought she'd never seen anyone look so very pale and fraying.
"Take care of her… Please." Her voice was anxious.
"Stop talking like that…" Blair asked, taking the baby and placing her back in her little bassinette.
"Blair…" She turned to the bed and found a most disturbing sight. Vanessa was staring straight ahead, her eyes glazed over.
"Vanessa," Blair said urgently, taking her hand once more.
She whispered. "Take care of my baby… Please… Please…."
Blair nodded, holding back her own tears. Finally, she watched one last breath shiver out of the frail, thin body before her. The once bright green eyes were blank and lost.
Blair gasped, reeling back. The baby sensed something and began to cry in earnest. Blair hands went to her mouth, and she let out a cry. Chuck instantly entered the room, and she turned to him.
His eyes were wild and untamed, he was lost to her. Completely lost.
"She's dead," Blair cried. He stared at the body, his mouth open and his hair disheveled. He walked slowly and sat in front of Blair with Vanessa's dead body between them. His jaw twitched as he reached out and closed her eyes. Blair muffled a sob. His eyes turned as he looked at her.
"She was a good person…" he finally said, and for a moment she saw a shiver of the sane man she had fallen in love with but she knew, like she knew that Vanessa had just died, that he was only there for a moment.
Blair was just staring at him. Afraid. Afraid of what he would do. What crazy thing he would do.
"What did she say?" He asked her and his voice was so un-Chuck-like that Blair wasn't sure if to answer the doppelganger.
Blair looked at the crying baby. "She said to take care of the baby."
Chuck nodded, his eyes getting glassy and then he shifted and Blair saw the sane man fly out the window. Her Chuck was once more gone, replaced by this horrible man that made no sense and couldn't handle grief to save his life.
"And that you loved me," Blair said quietly to herself, so quietly that he didn't hear her.
He stared at her, and she wanted to say it. She could've said it, but she didn't because he stood up quickly and paced the room.
"Chuck…" she tried, standing to go to him, but he backed away.
She winced but didn't look down.
"I'm going to go," he said.
Her eyes went wide as she stared at him.
"W-what?" She stuttered, and when he didn't respond, she turned and picked up the crying baby. The child calmed down once she was in Blair's arms.
Chuck looked down at the baby. A small struggling form with wide crystal blue eyes and a soft fuss of brown hair. She had long lashes and she instantly focused on him, her little mouth forming a perfect O as she stared at him, her little arm waiving from Blair's own arms.
"I'm going to find Nathaniel," he said with resolution and looked away from the child.
"Chuck, you don't know where he is," Blair replied, holding the child closer.
"Jacob found me information that tells me he's somewhere in Saudi Arabia."
Her eyes were wide. "Somewhere?" She spat. "Are you crazy?"
His eyes turned cold. "I'm going to find him. Bring him here… Give him his child… And then you can go."
Her heart dropped to her feet. "What-"
"I'm tired," he said finally. "I'm tired of these games. We played house nicely. We played love nicely, too. It was lovely for a while. But the truth is that you needed my money, and I gave it to you, and that's why you're here in Scotland and not New York."
She realized he looked older, exhausted.
"You will no longer be a prisoner," he said softly. "I apologize for all I did. I promise you and your family… will be well taken care of."
With that he gave her a curt nod and walked out.
Dorota shortly entered and found her staring at the spot on the door with the child in her hands.
"Miss Blair?" Dorota asked her and she blinked, noticing her faithful maid.
"Take the baby," Blair said. She glanced at Vanessa's dead body, and Dorota crossed herself. "Arrange for a funeral." Her voice broke.
Dorota nodded, taking the small child. "Where are you going, Miss Blair?"
"I have to save my husband," She explained and nearly ran to the other room, down the little hallway that divided their old rooms, but his side was locked. She was now the one pounding on the door. She was now the one asking to be let in.
"Chuck!" she cried. "Chuck, open the door – please!"
He slowly opened the door, and she stood back. When had she started crying?
She stared at him and hiccupped. "You can't possibly think of leaving me here with the war going the way it is, and with a baby, and not knowing where you are, if you're alright – if you're alive!"
"Cheer up, I may get killed, and then you won't have to face the embarrassment of a divorce," he said calmly and coldly.
"Stop it!" She cried, pulling at his jacket.
"Stop what?" He cried back, holding her hands down.
"How can you say that – you know I would be devastated if something happened to you, you know I would!" She cried, and now tears were coming out of her eyes.
"No, I don't know that – I don't know that at all," he snapped and pushed her away to grab his gloves. Her mere presence was making him even more muddled and confused.
She stared at him desperately.
"For all I know, every single thing you ever said to me was a lie. A fucking lie, and I don't believe you: your tears, your kisses, your words… Useless." He slipped on his gloves. "A fantastic performance by a greatly talented actress." He spat because he wanted her to hate him as much as he was hating himself. Because then they would all have something in common. Hating Chuck Bass was something very easy and he wanting to bring her to that point once more. Have her curse him for the rest of his life.
She looked at him hopelessly, and then slapped him. Slapped him hard across his cheek and then slapped him again. He slowly turned his head to look at her.
They stared at one another, their chests rising and falling, and then he pushed her against the wall of the hallway. His mouth was on her neck and, soon enough, he was ravishing her.
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To be continued
