"You see her, you can't touch her. You hear her, you can't hold her. You want her, and you can't have her. She's not so special so look what you've done boy." - Franz Ferdinand

Chapter 7

Casey's eyes jolted awake as her subconscious replayed the happenings of the night before. It was like a movie reel, playing on the blank screen of her mind, except where the motion picture should have stopped, it lingered instead. In her dream, she didn't let the conversation end where Derek abruptly severed it. Instead, when he answered her question with,

"Because you deserve the world."

Casey reached over, displacing the pillow that separated them in the bed. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she squeezed gently, silently urging Derek to turn back around so he could face her again. He did hesitantly, knowing that doing so would mean surrendering to the urges he had spent years building mental walls to keep out.

Seconds ago, they were far apart. Now, they were both gazing at each other, and Derek studied Casey's face, moving his focus from her eyes down to her lips. Casey brought her hand up to touch Derek's chest, placing her shaky hand on top of his heart. She closed her eyes feeling the pounding of his pulse.

"And how do you know that James couldn't offer me the world?" She whispered so delicately that her voice was barely audible in the silence.

"He can't, Case." Derek breathed, cupping her cheek gently with his rough hands.

"And why is that?"

Casey kept her eyes shut, unable to focus, feeling the heat radiate off of Derek's body - his breath on her face, his hands on her skin. Reaching his arm around her, Derek moved swiftly, and in one delicate movement his muscular body was in contact with Casey's. Her breath hitched and Derek lessened the distance between them, the silhouettes of their faces separated by a sliver of light.

Before he lowered his lips onto hers, he answered tenderly "Because nobody can love you more than I do."

That was when Casey's body jerked her awake, leaving her overwhelmed and gasping for air. How could her subconscious produce something that felt so real? Bringing her hands up to her face, she placed her fingertips on her still tingling lips. The dream was so vivid that for a split second, she wished she could quickly close her eyes and drift back into the alternate reality where she could feel Derek's strong comforting hands graze her skin. In a universe where she knew for a fact that Derek loved her.

The thought was so terrifying that flashing back to the images of her dream sent a shock through her entire body. The chilling sensation was a combination of excitement and stomach churning anxiety. Excitement, because the conversation she had with Derek the night before was potentially the starting point of what was yet to come. Anxiety, because it was an uncharted, unmentionable territory.

It was no surprise that Casey was a human that thrived off statistics, predictions and control. If she could foretell the outcome of a circumstance or control the situation she was in, there was no reason to panic. But the second something was out of her micromanaging perfectionistic hands, she spiraled into an overwhelming sea of uneasiness and vulnerability.

If only there was a lid on Derek's head, she would be able to open it up and peer into the depths of the man who was her stepbrother. But for now, all she knew was that he cared for her - but how deeply? That was debatable. If only Nathan hadn't given her all that excess information, she wouldn't have started growing these feelings for Derek inside her twisted heart. If these feelings were growing, were the seeds already there to begin with? She would gather up the strength to dare the unthinkable if she was sure that Derek's heart was just as troubled as her own.

Staring at the pillow that was a symbol of the boundary she was tempted to cross, Casey couldn't help but pull it down a little to steal a glimpse of the face she dreamt of so clearly. That's strange... To her surprise, the space where she expected her stepbrother to be resting was instead empty. Scanning the darkness around her, she realized Derek was nowhere to be seen.

Casey grabbed her phone from the nightstand, checking the time - It's 4 am! Where could he possibly be?

The only place she could think of was the bathroom, but the bathroom door in Derek's room was wide open. Casey sat up restlessly, moving her legs to the edge of the mattress to stand. Half awake, she quietly tiptoed to his bedroom door, opening it slowly to ensure it didn't creek.

Peeking her head out of Derek's room, Casey inspected the hallway. The door to the den was closed - that meant Nathan was still asleep.

Derek Venturi, if you aren't with Nathan... where are you?

Gently placing her footsteps on the wood floors, Casey sneaked down the hallway as silently as she could, searching to see if Derek was in the living room or kitchen. It wouldn't surprise her if he had decided to grab himself a late night snack and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

And then suddenly as she turned the corner of the hallway that led to the living room, she froze, her stomach feeling like it was dropped from the top of a skyscraper. There in the distance, was Derek on the balcony, with Sarah.

Casey's heart raced and she backed up so only her eyes were visible from where she was standing. Peering from the hallway into the living room she could see Derek in his black robe through the glass doors that lead onto his balcony. Sarah was in his arms and he was hugging her close to his chest as she cried. Casey stood there watching, her entire body shaking. Why can't I move?

Both Sarah and Derek were illuminated by the balcony light and watching through the darkness of the apartment, the scene resembled a black and white movie; two lovers standing underneath a spotlight with the city skyline illuminated in the background.

Sarah lifted her head off of Derek's chest, looking into Derek's eyes, waiting for an answer of some sort. Derek then used his hand to brush the wet blonde hair from out of her eyes, carefully wiping away a few of her tears while his expression indicated regret. Derek said nothing and Sarah rested her face against Derek again. Watching Derek's hands wrap around Sarah sent a flaming arrow into Casey's chest, setting her heart on fire.

Maybe she's crying over Nathan. Casey tried to justify. Why is she hugging Derek? Why is Derek rubbing her back?

Casey jumped further up the hallway so the balcony door wasn't in her line of sight anymore. She had to catch her breath. Her eyes burned, fighting back the tears that started to form. No matter how hard she tried to inhale and exhale, it still felt like the wind was knocked out of her.

Casey, calm down. You don't know what's happening. Do not jump to conclusions.

The love that started to grow in Casey's heart instantly transformed into shameful foolishness. How could she have been so stupid to think Derek wanted to be with his stepsister. His intention was clear from the beginning and her irrational thoughts caused her to assume… ah Casey, the one time you acted with your feelings instead of logic. Why would you ever assume?

Before Casey could gather herself, she heard the slow sliding of the balcony door. She stood as still as a statue, trying to hear what was going on. Casey couldn't make out what they were whispering so she tried moving down the hallway, intently trying to decipher the sound coming from the living room. The next thing Casey knew, the front door opened and closed and the sound of Derek's footsteps became louder. Casey scurried back into the bedroom unsure of what to do.

Do I pretend like I'm asleep? Do I tell him that I saw him on the balcony?

Not knowing what was going to happen next, Casey jumped into bed and pulled the covers above most of her face so Derek wouldn't notice that she was as white as his sheets.

Hearing the familiar creek of the bedroom door, Casey wanted to throw up. She felt Derek slowly lift the covers and the mattress slightly dip beside her as he shifted his body onto the bed. Breathing steadily, she tried not to move in the slightest bit so he wouldn't notice she was awake.

Using her logic, she decided that this was the best thing to do - Even though all of her emotions tempted her to angrily bombard him with a series of questions. Like, what was Sarah doing here? How can you do this to your best friend? If I'm having these dreams about you, tell me, are you having dreams about me too? But listening to her emotions got her into this situation in the first place. So she had to put them away and trust her logic instead.

When Casey had jumped into bed earlier, she put her body into the fetal position, ensuring she was faced away from the middle of the bed. She couldn't dare to look at Derek right now nor did she want him to see her current state. How embarrassed would she be if Derek knew that she had seen him outside with Sarah and that this was how it affected her - she felt like she had shattered into a million pieces and she was sure it was written on her face. She felt overwhelming humiliation already and the last thing she needed right now was a conversation about what she just witnessed.

Even though Casey's eyes were closed and her body was facing away, she could feel Derek's body shuffling closer to hers. Her back felt the coolness of the air as Derek removed the pillow from behind her. Casey's stomach fluttered, clouding her mind. She expected Derek to put the pillow into its place but he didn't. Instead he lightly pulled the covers over Casey, tucking her in as she was previously, before he pulled the covers over himself. He brushed the back of his index finger on Casey's cheek ever so gently, sending shivers up her spine.

Logic, Casey. Logic! Science. This is not love, it's just your vagus nerve being stimulated.

Derek then shifted his body back onto his pillow leaving Casey confused as ever. How dare he brush her cheek when he just had another woman in his arms? Her mind swirling, she replayed the events that had just happened on repeat in her head. She mapped out all of the different scenarios of what took place on that balcony and before she knew it, she was sinking into a thick confusing fog that swallowed her up, sinking her into a deep sleep.

-— -— —-

Derek stirred under the covers, transitioning out of a deep sleep to one where he could now hear Casey's snoring. Lifting his heavy eyelids to look at his clock radio, he realized it was still only 3:45 am. While he stayed staring at his nightstand in the dark, Derek's mind focused on Casey's heavy breathing. He was always surprised by how such a graceful and lady-like woman could make so much noise while she was asleep. If she asked him, he'd say it was unattractive but secretly, Derek found it endearing.

Reaching over to his wooden nightstand, he opened up the top drawer. It glided open, exposing a mess of miscellaneous things Derek shoved away. On top of the pile of wires, phone chargers, earplugs and receipts rested a tiny photo strip that was faded in colour. Derek picked it up, bringing the photo above him as he laid in bed, getting a better look at it in the moonlight.

The strip consisted of three pictures of him and Casey. We look so young, he thought. They must have been about sixteen years old in this photo but it felt like it was just yesterday that they were in Disneyland with the entire family.

Derek stood in front of Space Mountain waiting for Lizzie, Edwin and Marti to come out of the Toy Story themed gift shop. He was getting extremely sick of standing in the heat, holding six different gift bags, juggling three bottles of water and wearing the princess themed Minnie Mouse ears Marti refused to wear ten minutes after she made Derek buy them for her. More importantly, in this irritated state and Californian heat, Derek was definitely getting sick of Casey's worry wart attitude.

"Derek, it's been twenty minutes. Did they come out of the shop and miss us? Maybe they're lost somewhere."

Derek groaned, "Casey, please stop. We've been watching the store entrance for fifteen minutes."

His words didn't seem to subside any of the worry on Casey's face.

"You know how Marti gets inside a toy store… She's probably running around trying to convince Edwin and Lizzie to buy her an entire shelf of toys."

Casey brought her focus to the Minnie Mouse ears on Derek's head and giggled. She couldn't take him seriously right now.

"Do not." Derek warned, "This isn't funny. If Smarti wasn't the cutest little girl in the world, I wouldn't have let her put this on me."

"That's a nice cover up, Derek. I know you're secretly loving it."

As Casey continued to laugh, she spotted a photo booth in the store they were standing in front of. Derek followed her gaze to see what she was looking at.

He nudged Casey's shoulder with his own. "Case, if you want to go into the photo booth, go. I'll keep a look out for the kids." This was a perfect opportunity for Derek to have some much needed alone time.

Casey frowned, still looking at the photo booth. "I'm not going to take pictures alone. How sad is that? Maybe if I had someone in the photo booth with me…?"

Casey bit her lip and looked up at Derek with those pleading blue eyes.

"No way. I don't do photo booths or cutesy photos - I know you, Casey McDonald lives for cutesy things."

"Please, Derek?"

Derek stood his ground, keeping his expression serious as Casey brought her hands together smiling the biggest smile she physically could to try and get him to reconsider. Watching Derek's face, she winced, knowing it was a long shot.

"Pleeeeaseeeee?"

Derek sighed, "Fine. But you're going to regret this decision. I'm not the most photogenic guy on the planet."

Derek couldn't help but shake his head every time he saw these photos. He was smiling like an idiot in them, his arms loosely around Casey. He realized now that it was because that quick moment gave him the rare opportunity to put his hands around his step sister without making a scene. It wasn't a hug or a gesture of affection, it was because she told him to and that's what you were expected to do in photos. At least at the time, that's what he told himself. Casey looked beautiful as usual - she was the most photogenic woman he knew.

"Did you want a copy?" Casey asked Derek. "I think we can print another one?"

"Do I look like a sentimental guy?" Derek asked.

Casey made a face. "Fine then. Can you put this in my gift bag so I can carefully pack it in my luggage when I get back?"

Casey handed Derek the photo and as she did, she beamed in relief "Derek, I see the kids. They're outside!"

Before he could pick up all the gift bags from the ground, Casey was out of the store and Marti was running towards her with a plush Buzz Lightyear in her hands. He watched Casey hug Marti and then ask Lizzie and Edwin what they had bought themselves. Derek loaded all of the gift bags onto his arms and then peeked at the photos one more time… and instead of putting it in Casey's gift bag, he folded it and put it into his back pocket.

He'd never forget how disappointed Casey was at the hotel when she couldn't find the photo strip. He told himself he would place it in her suitcase so she would think she had misplaced it but he couldn't bring himself to do it. The more time that went by, the more uncomfortable he felt giving it back to her. He couldn't imagine how Casey would have reacted and what explanation he would give for his actions. Derek didn't know then what possessed him to do such a thing, but at the time he had decided it was too late to confess. He knew now it was because he had feelings for Casey but he buried the photo like he did his emotions all these years.

Still looking at the photo, Derek noticed his phone light up. It was Sarah.

"Derek, are you awake?"

He carefully set the photo back into his drawer, tucking it away so he could pick up his phone.

"Yes" was the only thing Derek typed back.

"Good. I'm outside."

Derek mentally prepared himself. He knew Sarah well enough to know that this was not going to be a light conversation and Derek didn't do well with those kinds of talks.

He got out of bed as slowly as he could, trying not to shake the mattress so he wouldn't wake Casey. He didn't know how to handle this. All of the emotions he stacked away in the back of his brain for years were now crashing down on him like a Jenga tower. Perhaps he was foolish to think he could avoid everything forever.

Walking to the entrance of his apartment, he undid the top latch and unlocked the door. When he had broken up with Sarah, he didn't have the heart to ask her to return the key to his apartment. So knowing his ex girlfriend, she was probably already in the building, standing outside as a formality, waiting for him to open the door. Swinging the door open, he confirmed his suspicion.

There Sarah was, wearing a burgundy toque over her blonde hair, her eyes red and swollen from crying. Her clothes were the same ones she wore to dinner, making it evident that she had not had any sleep tonight.

Derek motioned for her to come inside and instead of stepping in the apartment, Sarah pulled Derek into a hug, instantly bursting into tears. Her body shook as she sobbed and Derek's heart ached thinking about what kind of pain she was in. He hugged her tightly, wanting to take her sorrow away, feeling guilty for having a hand in this entire mess.

"Let's talk outside." he whispered.

Sarah looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. She nodded in agreement.

Derek walked ahead of her, unlocking the balcony door and sliding it open. The crisp, cold air hit his skin while he stepped out onto the freezing balcony. Sarah flicked the light switch, illuminating the image of Derek standing in front of her, waiting for her to join him outside. Derek put his hands around his robe, rubbing his arms, in an attempt to not only to warm himself up but to also calm his nerves. He didn't know which direction this conversation was going to go.

As soon as Sarah walked out onto the balcony and slid the door shut behind her, she stood in front of Derek, her brown eyes drowning in sadness. She tried to speak but she couldn't seem to get the words out without crying. Derek gave her a minute to piece herself back together, at least enough to say what she was here to say.

"Derek… I don't know why I said all those things to Nathan last night." She let out, trying to keep herself composed through her tears. It was obvious that she was failing and it ripped Derek's heartstrings apart.

He took her hand and pulled her into a tight embrace. "We all make mistakes Sarah, don't beat yourself up over it."

Sarah kept her face on Derek's chest as she spoke, "I saw how you looked at Casey at dinner tonight and it broke me, Derek. Because you never once looked at me that way. No matter how hard I tried. I spent an entire year trying to get you to look at me like that, smile at me like that, appreciate me like that… love me like that. And I never got closure, Derek. I blamed myself. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. What does Casey have that I don't?"

Derek felt like he was punched in the gut. He knew she was right, and that's why he was at a loss for words. What could he respond back with?

"I'm so sorry… so so sorry."

Sarah continued to cry as Derek held her. After a few minutes, she sniffed, "Don't be sorry, Derek. I should be the one to apologize. I tried to change you to be the man I wanted you to be. I was so very, undeniably in love with you. But I was unhappy when we were together, because I couldn't fit you into the mold I had made for you inside my head. But at least one of us has their love reciprocated, right?. It was always her, Derek… wasn't it?"

Sarah was now looking up at Derek, her eyes burning into his, waiting for an answer. Derek didn't want to break her heart by saying yes. Instead he brushed the hair out of her face and wiped her tears away. Sarah managed to laugh because she understood.

Derek tightened the embrace, closing his eyes, wishing he could make everything better. "Are you happy with Nathan?" He asked, hoping for the sake of his best friend that it was a yes. A person can be so strange, Derek thought at that moment. A few weeks ago, I thought that I would be begging Sarah to marry me instead of hoping she was still ok to marry my best friend.

Sarah nodded "He makes me happy, Derek. He thinks of me first before anything else, his eyes sparkle every time I say 'I love you'. Nathan is a good man… and sometimes I don't think I deserve him."

"I know exactly how that feels." He admitted softly.

Sarah stepped away out of Derek's embrace. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "I know that look, Derek. What's wrong?"

Derek shook his head no, "I can't tell you, because you'll tell Nathan. But basically I got myself into a mess. And now I'm a mess… I don't know what to do."

"Derek, you don't need to tell me the entire thing…I promise I won't tell Nathan. Just say something because I'm worried now. I still care about you, you know?" She winked, making Derek smile.

Derek let out a frustrated sigh, "Let's just say, hypothetically… that I lo-"

He couldn't even say it. He couldn't get it out of his mouth "love, Casey. And before I knew that, I saw your wedding invitation and my ego got in the way. Just a teensy bit…" he said, showing her a small amount by putting his thumb and index finger together. "And maybe I was a little pissed at Nathan for going after you… so I asked Casey to exaggerate our relationship."

Sarah's jaw dropped. "You haven't told her you love her?!" She slapped Derek's arm, hard. "You idiot! How could you pull something like this?!"

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"Go tell her! Today!"

"Do I want to though..? What if she doesn't lo-." Derek groaned, "love me."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "She does." she stated matter-of-factly. "And Derek, I'm going to leave now but here's a bit of advice. Unlike me, Casey doesn't want to change you. She loves you just the way you are, and that's the rarest thing in the world to find. She seems like quite the catch, so if you don't tell her, she might find someone else who will." Sarah smirked.

Derek saw that she was implying that it was what she did herself. And she was completely right, Sarah was a catch, it was only a matter of time before she met a great guy like Nathan.

Sarah opened the sliding door and shut it after Derek walked in after her.

They both walked quietly to the door trying not to make too much noise. "Sarah?"

She turned around before she opened the door to leave.

"You have the key. Come by later and have breakfast with Nathan in the morning. I'm sure he'd really like that. Show him how much you appreciate him and knowing my best friend, he'll come around."

Sarah nodded, "Thanks, Derek."

And just like that, she was out the door.