I went back to school a week after my birthday. My parents had been nice enough to let me take the whole week off, as long as a promised not to complain about going back on Monday. I didn't complain though, because now I had a car and wasn't stuck riding on the shitty bus.
Driving to school was pretty awesome. It was nice after being on the bus for so long. Also this was another way I could avoid having to talk to Kyle. He hadn't talked me since I told him to leave me alone, and I didn't blame him. I basically told him to fuck off, and he was doing just that.
When I got to school I parked my car and sighed. Then there was a tap on the window and an overly happy Bebe on the other side. I opened the door and stepped out. "Where've you been?" She asked, then she followed it up with, "Is this your car?"
I didn't have an answer to the first question, so I just skipped to the second. "Yep, I got it for my birthday."
Bebe smiled, "Nice." She didn't seem phased that I hadn't answered the first question, or she didn't want to pry. I was fine with it either way.
Kenny suddenly appeared behind Bebe. "Dude holy shit, I though you were never coming back!" He exclaimed.
"I wish." I replied, tucking my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt. Bebe left after Kenny joined us, I guess she was still mad at him.
"How've you been?" Kenny asked.
"Tired." I said simply.
"Kyle's pretty upset, he told me about your guys' fight." Kenny put his hands in his pockets and looked at me, expecting me to say something. I didn't have anything to say though.
I couldn't just go running back to Kyle after the way I acted. Kyle was too nice if a person, he deserved better friends. I was a lame excuse for one. Maybe Kenny could be a better friend than I was. "Yeah." I finally replied, I didn't want the silence to hang around us for too long. "I'm pretty upset too." I admitted softly.
"I would suggest to apologize to him, but you guys are both being salty about this whole thing." Kenny pointed out.
I couldn't blame Kenny, he had no idea what was going through my mind all day. He had no idea that every time I looked at Kyle my heart sped up and that my stomach filled with butterflies. And they weren't just butterflies, they were more extreme. They made me feel like I was going to throw up, but in a good way, like when I was younger and would always throw up whenever Wendy kissed my cheek or some shit.
It was then I realized, Wendy was the only person I had ever loved. At least I think I loved her, sometimes I wasn't so sure. The thing I had with Kyle was different. Yeah it still included butterflies and sweaty palms, but it felt much more real. It felt like if I didn't get to talk to him, hear his voice or his laugh, the world would get dark and gray.
But I had fucked it all up.
Kenny was right, we were acting salty. Now all I could do was stand back and watch as Kyle and I drifted apart like we were lost at sea on different rafts. I was such a dick, I had failed at being a friend. "What am I going to do about this?" I asked Kenny, my voice cracked slightly, but I didn't want it to. I didn't want to cry, not now, but I felt like I could at any moment.
"Apologize to him." Kenny said, his voice softer than usual.
"Yeah, if I were him I wouldn't accept my apology." And it was true. Maybe I was just being to hard on myself, but I was a terrible person. I thought back to when I had called Cartman out on his shit at the movie theater, I had said I was better than him, I didn't think so anymore. I knew I was in trouble, Eric Cartman was a better person than me.
Kenny sighed deeply and looked at me. "Stan, I know I never really say anything too important, but this is real shit. I've spent my whole life hanging out with you and Kyle, you guys are best friends. I've always been jealous of your guys relationship, you guys could always get through your fights and problems and somehow manage to still be best friends at the end of it all. I don't think you should throw away your friendship over all this, that'd be so stupid. If you're mad at Kyle for the prank then you should be mad at me instead, it was my idea anyways. You need to take a chance and apologize to Kyle, if you don't your guys friendship will end and if you do, you might still have a chance."
Kenny was right, and I hated to admit that he was. Sometimes I forgot he was there all those years, he was so quiet most of the time. Or maybe I just didn't care enough to pay attention to him. Looking at him now I could still see that scrawny little kid in a battered orange parka, just taller and more tired looking. Maybe I should've payed attention to Kenny more, he was always there, watching us. I was surprised he didn't leave, if I were him I would've thought everyone was too crazy. Then again, maybe we're all were just a little crazy.
I couldn't help but pull Kenny into a hug, one because I needed to thank him and two because I needed a hug. "When did you become so observant?"
Kenny hugged me back, "Always, my friend." He laughed.
"Thanks dude." I dropped the hug and smiled at him.
"It was no problem." Kenny grinned and then the first bell rang. "I'm going to ditch first period."
I shrugged, "Have fun. I would ditch with you, but I've already missed enough school." Kenny and I parted ways.
Inside the school everyone looked surprised to see me back, and I was surprised everyone didn't know what had happened. I had half excepted expected to find the words 'Stan is an alcoholic' on a banner strewn across the main hallway. Instead everyone just seemed to avoid me.
Kenny was gone and I wasn't talking to Kyle, so I was alone. I could've hung out with Cartman, but I didn't want to resort to that just yet.
Class seemed to go by extra slowly. I didn't mind though because I was dreading the thought of lunch. I couldn't swallow my pride and go sit with Kyle and Kenny, and Cartman would only tease me.
When lunch finally did roll around, I found I wasn't hungry. I decided to fuck it and go sit out in my car and just work on my homework, I had plenty of it from missing a week of school. I debating waiting lunch out in the bathroom, but I decided that the car would be less shitty.
When I got out to my car, I just threw all my homework in the back seat. I was going to do it, I really was. Then I realized there was no way in hell I was doing any of it until the day before it was due; I was a master procrastinator after all.
Just as I had settled into my seat and prepared myself for a useless thirty minutes where I scrolled through Instagram, there was a tap on the passenger window.
I turned to look out the window and Bebe was standing there. I leaned over and opened the door. She hopped in the passenger seat and closed the door, "Jesus, it's cold as balls out there."
I just looked at her. She looked back at me and laughed, "Lighten up, I just came out here to cheer you up." She smiled softly, "Wendy told me about Sparky and then Cartman told me about how you and Kyle got in a fight."
"Oh." I turned away from her and looked back out the windshield. "I guess you must be pretty upset with me right, because I never confessed to Kyle and so you and Kenny can't get back together?" I asked bitterly, "They were never really dating."
Bebe sighed, "I figured that there was no chance of me and Kenny getting back together ever again. He would've came back to me if he wanted to."
"Yeah, just like there's no chance of me or Kyle ever being together." I stated flatly. I had given up all hope that Kyle and I would ever work out. "Besides your probably not even really upset about Kenny, you two are just basically just blonde bimbos."
Bebe rolled her eyes. "I'm not a bimbo."
I just nodded, because I didn't have anything left to say and I didn't feel like arguing the matter. I watched as it started to snow lightly. Bebe and I sat in silence for a moment. It was weird, because I never really considered Bebe my friend, she was more like the person that always just third wheeled with me and Wendy. I never really minded though, she was just kind of there. I felt bad for her because she actually wanted to get back together with Kenny.
Even if Kenny was sometimes nice and inspiring, he was still an asshole. But I guess everyone was an asshole. "Lunch is about to end, are you coming back in with me?" Bebe asked, turning to me.
I nodded and we walked back into the school together. Once we were inside Bebe left me and I was alone again. I didn't hate being alone, I hated feeling alone. I turned down the hall and went to go stand outside the foods classroom until the bell rang.
On the way I bumped into Butters, "Oh sorry dude." I said, putting my hands in my pockets.
Butters, who had a permanent smile glued on, cheerfully replied, "It's fine, don't worry." Then he continued on his way.
I stopped and turned back to him. "Butters wait, can I ask you something?"
Butters stopped and turned back to me. "Well sure."
"How can you be so happy all the time?" I asked.
"I'm happy because I don't have any reasons to be unhappy." He replied simply.
"Then everything in your life has to be going perfectly, right?" I questioned, maybe I was just unlucky. Maybe Butters had everything all figured out. Maybe everyone has everything all figured out. Everyone except me.
"Nope, I just choose to be happy." Butters chirped. Maybe Butters was too blind to what was happening in his life, or maybe I was just to pessimistic, but it seemed impossible to just choose to be happy. "By the way, I heard you and Kyle got in a fight. You can sit with me tomorrow at lunch if you want." He offered.
I wasn't going to pass that offer up. Any attempt to show that I wasn't as lonely as I felt seemed mandatory. "Thanks Butters." I wondered how everyone had heard about the fight but not about how I was in the hospital. Maybe they had heard about the fight but didn't want to say anything. It was easier to start a conversation by saying "Hey I heard you got in a fight" instead of saying "Hey I heard you almost died from alcohol poisoning last week".
The bell rang and the hallways started to fill up. "I'll see you tomorrow, Stan." Butters smiled and waved as he left. I waved back before walking into the foods classroom and sitting down. I wanted to keep my head down during class because Kyle would be sitting right across from me the whole period.
I took my seat and pulled out my notes, foods was mostly note taking after all. Luckily, for me, Kenny came in before Cartman or Kyle. This was surprising because Kenny was almost always late. "Dude I haven't seen you all day, where were you at lunch?"
I shrugged in response. I didn't want to admit to Kenny that I still hadn't apologized, it was stupid. Cartman came in a dropped his books on the table. "What are you fags up to?" He asked, saving me from any further questions about where I'd been today.
"Fuck off Cartman." Kenny shook his head.
"Jesus Christ Kenny, it's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard." Cartman sat down and then continued talking. "I don't want to say I miss you guys, because I hate you guys, but we haven't hung out in a long time."
"So what you're saying is you want to hang out with us?" I asked him, I knew he'd probably not admit it but I wanted to hear him say it.
"No, I just want to make fun of you guys. I haven't made Jew jokes in a long ass time." Cartman pointed out. It had been awhile since we had all hung out.
"Kyle and I aren't on speaking terms, if you haven't noticed." I informed him, trying to keep a sour tone out of my voice.
"Wow, why can't you fags just make up and hug it out already?" Cartman asked, scowling. I shrugged as I saw Kyle walk into the classroom. The talking ceased as the bell rang.
I didn't want to look at Kyle, but dammit he was so beautiful. Kyle seemed to be paying deep attention to the lesson, maybe it was just to avoid everything that was going on, or maybe he was truly interested. Kyle was perfect, his face was sprinkled with freckles, soft curls of hair peaked out from beneath his hat. I wanted to run my hands through that hair, and I wanted to kiss his freckled face. But I had fucked up. I sighed softly and wondered how I was going to fix this.
I didn't catch myself staring until Kenny elbowed me in the side and brought me back to reality. I looked down at the blank notebook and felt a blush creep across my face.
I was at the point where I had accepted that I had a crush on Kyle. I hated the word crush though, it wasn't just a crush. I was in love with Kyle. He was all that was ever on my mind. One day I'd find a way to talk to him and tell him how I felt, but until then I'd have to admire him for afar. I just hoped that one day I would be able to tell him.
The rest of the class was as boring as watching paint dry. I kept slipping in and out of day dreaming about Kyle.
When class was over I left without saying anything to anyone. The rest of the day I didn't talk to anyone. I was feeling hopeless again. It was like I was stuck in a rut of negative thinking, but on the other hand I was genuinely concerned that I had fucked up so bad that I had lost my best friend and that I couldn't figure out my mental shit enough to get him back.
People always say life is like a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs, but how far down can it go before it breaks? And how long do you to keep riding it after its broken?
At the end of the day I was standing at my locker, cramming all my homework into my bag, when Sheila Broflovski walked by. At first I was surprised to see her, but I figured she was just going off about something. I decided to try and avoid her at all costs. I slung my bag over my shoulder and shut my locker. Things were never that fucking simple though.
"Stan!" Called out Mrs. Broflovski, she didn't sound annoyed, just like she wanted to talk to me.
I turned around and forced a smiled. "Hello, uh, Mrs. Broflovski." I replied, "What brings you here?" I asked, partially because I was curious if it had something to do with Kyle and partially to not seem rude.
Mrs. Broflovski smiled and looked at me, she always gave off a weird vibe. It was like she was constantly judging you, and she probably was. So far she didn't hate me, but I was pretty sure she hated Kenny and Cartman (because who didn't hate Cartman?) and I was next on her list. Especially if she found out about my drinking. I was fucked. "Well, I found something in Kyle's room and I was worried. I think the school system could be to blame."
The gears started turning in my head. "What was it?" I asked. I wondered what juicy thing it could be. Drugs? Alcohol? Nah, Kyle didn't seem trashy enough to have either of those things.
Sheila let out a long sigh as if it pained her. "Porn." She said. Porn? She was getting this upset over porn? Then I remembered she was the one that didn't want to take Kyle to a real doctor that time he was on his fucking death bed, and it didn't seem so crazy that she was getting her panties in a wad about porn.
"Oh." I was uninterested at the point. It was nothing juicy, it was just porn.
"Maybe you know something about it." Mrs. Broflovski shuffled around in her bag and pulled out a rolled up magazine. "It's so horrible I can barely look at it."
She handed it to me, and I didn't need to take a second glance to know what it was. It was that gay porn magazine that Cartman had found in Kyle's room a month ago. Then the situation changed. "Oh." I said again, then handed the magazine back to her, she quickly shoved it in her bag. I didn't have anything to say, I didn't want to say anything.
"Do you know anything about this Stan?" She asked. I shook my head. I wasn't going to sell Kyle out, I wasn't that much of a dick.
Sheila sighed, "I'm just worried that Kyle might be, well you know." She sounded disappointed.
Cartman was right, Kyle's mom was a bitch.
Somehow I needed to get Kyle out of this situation. "It's not Kyle's magazine." I told her, even though moments before I had just told her I didn't know anything about it.
She looked at me, eyebrows raised. I couldn't have her thinking it belonged to me though. I glanced quickly around the hallway and saw Kenny and Kyle, laughing and walking in our direction. "It's Kenny's." I stated, laughing nervously. I hoped Kenny would forgive me, but Mrs. Broflovski already hated his sorry ass. She turned towards them and then narrowed her eyes at Kenny.
Kyle suddenly noticed his mom and I standing in the hallway. "Mom?! What are you-"
"Kenny I think you have some explaining to do." Mrs Broflovski pulled out the magazine and walked over to Kenny and Kyle. She thrust the magazine into Kenny's hands. I stood at a distance watching everything unfold.
Kenny's gazed stayed on the magazine, "Nice." He stated flatly. He then unzipped his backpack and dumped it in. Kyle was slightly stunned, but didn't say anything. I would be too if my mom had found gay porn I had been hiding.
Mrs. Broflovski began to go on a rant about how Kenny shouldn't bring "that kind of dirty material" into her house ever again. Kenny just looked bored by the whole conversation, his mind was probably elsewhere. Kyle on the other hand looked panicked. I prayed Kenny wouldn't say anything, but I think he didn't give a fuck.
When Mrs. Broflovski got to the part about how I had mentioned Kenny had left the magazine, I slunk down the hallway and out of their sight. Soon I was out of earshot and then I was standing outside. I walked to my car slowly, the snow had stopped falling and the sun was peaking through the gray sky.
I got in my car and drove home. I wonder if what I had done had just fucked Kyle over more or less. I didn't know, and I didn't care enough to find out.
When I got home I sat at my desk and did homework. I usually would've put it off, but I had nothing better to do. Eventually I had to stop doing homework because it had all started looking the same and I couldn't focus any longer. I hadn't even realized how late it had gotten, it was already seven.
I sighed and rested my head on my desk, closing my eyes. I had almost fallen asleep when I heard a knock on my window. There was only one person it could be.
I got up and stretched before walking over to the window and opening it. Kenny stood in the top of the ladder that was somehow still at my window. "Hey dude." I greeted, moving out of the way and letting him hop in.
"Dude, with the porn magazine? Seriously?" Kenny laughed as he jumped into my room.
I laughed as I shut the window. "I didn't want Kyle to be fucked." I shrugged, Kenny didn't seem too worried so I wasn't either. "What happened after I left?" I questioned, walking over and sitting on my bed.
"Well, Mrs. Broflovski said that I needed to change my ways." Kenny shook his head, "It was pretty fuckin' funny. Where did that magazine even come from anyways?"
I realized Kenny hadn't been around when Cartman had found the magazine, and I was guessing he didn't make then connection from when Ike was teasing Kyle about it. "It was Kyle's." I answered blankly.
"Woah really? Mrs. Broflovski had me believing that I had actually left the magazine there." Kenny laughed, "I didn't actually think it was Kyle's."
"Why not?" I questioned, laughing.
"Because Kyle is the sweet one." Kenny's tone changed, it wasn't quite serious but it almost was.
I rolled my eyes, "I only said it was yours to save Kyle from getting in trouble."
"Good plan, his mom would've lost her shit."
I nodded in agreement. "It would've sucked for Kyle." I stood from the bed, "I need to go take a shower." I said, before leaving. I think I heard Kenny mumble a response but I wasn't sure. Kenny had become such a normal re-occurrence at my house that I just tended to move on with what I was doing after saying hello.
I sighed as I got into the shower. The warm water poured down on me as my mind faded into a foggy dullness. The steamy water calmed me and, for a moment anyways, helped me get my mind off everything.
Soon though, I was back out of the shower and standing in my room with a towel wrapped around my waist. Kenny had fallen asleep in my bed. I dug around for pajama's before quickly pulling them on, although I wasn't worried Kenny would wake up anyways. He was one of the deepest sleepers I knew.
I walked downstairs to sleep on the couch, it was like my second bed at this point. I flopped down on it and pulled then blanket over me. I was tired as fuck despite it being so early, but I thought maybe I'd still absent mindedly watch tv.
The next morning I woke up to the sound of my dad laughing. Which was weird. Then I forgot I was sleeping on the couch and happened to roll off of it. "Shit." I rubbed my head and opened my eyes to see my dad and Kenny. "What's so funny?" I asked them, they both continued laughing.
"Nothing Stanley, come eat breakfast with us." My dad answered, helping me up. I gave them weird a weird look as I walked to the kitchen.
My mom had made pancakes for breakfast. Kenny always kissed my moms ass, he complimented her about four times throughout the meal. I guess that he wanted my parents to like him, since the Broflovski's didn't and Cartman's mom never really gave a shit.
Throughout the whole meal my dad kept glancing at me and then laughing. What the fuck was happening? Kenny and my mom were too busy talking about the perfect pancake, or some shit, to take notice of my dad. "You better go get read for school, or you're going to be late." My dad laughed.
I stood up and left to go get ready. I only had a few minutes before I would really leave too late. I pulled on a sweatshirt and then went to comb my hair. The nice thing about my hair was that I could half ass it and then just shove it under my hat. When I glanced at the clock on the way to the bathroom I decided to do just that.
I quickly went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and then I saw it. I gasped, "Fuck!" Rick across my forehead, in black permanent marker, was a giant drawing of a dick. I stood there and contemplated on who did it. Kenny and my dad both seemed immature enough. I quickly brushed my teeth before debating what to do about it.
"Stan we're gonna be late!" Kenny called up the stairs, snickering afterwords. I groaned and then walked back downstairs.
"Are you shitting me?" I asked, pointing to the dick on my forehead. Kenny laughed and shrugged.
"It was your dad's idea." He insisted, I didn't doubt him. "Now come on we're gonna be late."
The whole car ride to the school Kenny kept laughing at me. "I swear to go I'll drop you off and make you walk the rest of the way." I threatened. I thought about how I could get the drawing off, or mostly off, before school started.
When we got to school I ditched Kenny and headed to the bathroom to see what I could do. I tried scrubbing it, but to no avail. I sighed and stared at myself in the mirror, wondering what to do.
The bathroom door opened and I turned to see Kyle standing there. He laughed, probably at the dick, then I started to leave. "Wait dude, thanks for getting my mom off my ass." He said suddenly, my hand rested on the door handle.
"It was no problem." I answered. I wondered if that was all he had to say, or if he wanted to say more. I felt bad, I wanted to apologize, I probably should've. I was being stupid, but I couldn't swallow my pride. Just then the door opened, unluckily for me, it opened inwards. It slammed into my face, making me fall backwards.
"Khal, I- shit, did I hit someone?" It was Cartman.
I held my hand up to my nose. "Fuck you, fatass!" I stood up and pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood. "Aw shit, you gave me a fucking bloody nose."
"I guess you shouldn't have gotten in my way, you damn hippie." Cartman grumbled, crossing his arms. I rolled my eyes and then the first bell rang. "Nice dick tattoo too by the way." Cartman laughed as he turned to leave, Kyle followed him out.
"Fucking shit." I groaned as I turned to grab some paper towels to try and stop the bloody nose. Seeing as there was blood pouring out of my nose, there was no way I was going to get to class on time. I sighed and did all I could to make the bleeding stop.
This chapter was really late whoops. Thank you to all the people that are still reading this story lmao. I love all your reviews. Special thanks to Dani who let me personally victimize her in this chapter. Okay gotta blast~
