I would explain all the reasons why this is so late but that would be very boring, although one of them was because I accidentally became obsessed with the show In The Flesh...it's amazing and if you have time please watch it! Now on with the show...
Chapter 19
He didn't remember how long the argument went on for. Just that when his voice cracked from the strain and Odin worked himself into silence, he quietly left the room and wasn't called back despite not having gotten permission to leave. Up the stairs and into his bedroom, he closed the door and let his body give way.
Though it had been at least two hours since Odin has laid a hand on him, his cheek was still warm and when he glanced the mirror he saw a large red mark hat still hadn't faded. Loki found energy to crawl onto his bed yet not enough to pull the covers around him. His phone started to buzz but he ignored it, not even checking the caller id. He knew who it would be. The ringing soon stopped.
A knock on his door drew his attention. Only one person would knock on his door that lightly and actually wait for an invite inside.
"Loki? Please open the door," Frigga implored in her softest voice.
"It's open," Loki answered, his voice hoarse.
Tentatively Frigga entered, shutting the door behind her and taking a seat beside her son on the bed. For a few minutes there was silence.
"Why didn't you tell me you knew?"
"Odin made me keep quite."
Frigga made a noise in her throat. Whether a sigh or a groan, Loki couldn't tell which. Truthfully he didn't care. He wasn't in any mood to talk or listen. "You could have told me anyway. He was wrong to do that. You got expelled from school for this Loki, I thought I'd raised you well enough that you knew you could come to me about these problems. Why didn't you tell any of your teachers?"
"They would have blamed me. I was kicked out before I even had time to think about anything. I'd played a prank on some of the students that were really up themselves and thought they were so much better than the rest of us. They guessed it was me. Obviously. They wanted to get revenge and so hacked the school files to try and see if they could dig some dirt and, as you can see, they found it." The whole time he spoke in a monotone.
"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Loki," Frigga breathed, wanting to hug Loki but not knowing if he would appreciate it. She stayed where she was. "That was such a horrible way to find out."
He shrugged in return. It was done now and he'd learned to live with it. Live with being kicked out of school anyway. He doubted he would ever be able to live with the fact that his so called 'parents' had lied to him his whole life. No one should have to suffer that.
"Why didn't you tell me from the start?"
"Because you are our son and we always wanted you to think of yourself as that. I wanted more children, Loki, but I couldn't conceive again. Your father proposed adoption and I jumped at the chance. When I saw you the first time as a tiny baby, wrapped up tightly in a dark blue blanket with your bright green eyes staring at me I just knew. From that moment you were my son and never in all these years have I thought of you as any different."
The urge to stop her, to shout and scream at her was so great and yet he couldn't. There was no more energy in him to fight. He surrendered to her speech, allowing her to work her way into silence. Frigga's thumb brushing across his cheek was what brought his eyes from the floor up to meet hers. He touched his face where she had done and found it wet. He hadn't even realised he was crying.
"I suppose you're on his side," he said, shifting restlessly.
"I don't choose sides, I play devil's advocate. He is my husband, you are my son...it would be wrong to choose a side."
"Except I'm not," Loki muttered, his head bowed.
This time he knew it was a sigh that followed his words. It was cruel to pull on that string, especially after Frigga's speech on how he would always be her son. But he couldn't bring himself to care right now. All he wanted was someone to feel even half of the pain that he was feeling right now. He'd blocked this out for months. Forced it down into the deepest darkest recess of his brain. And now it was free to roam and he couldn't stop it. All his thoughts. All the self hate. All the feelings of never belonging. Of Odin's favouritism. It all made sense now but that didn't mean it hurt any less.
His phone was ringing again. They both stared at the flashing screen until the ringing once again stopped and silence reigned supreme. That was until the ringing started again. This time when it rang out, it only took a few seconds for it to start again.
"You should answer that," Frigga suggested.
"I don't want to talk to him," Loki said stubbornly. He couldn't talk to Tony. What could he say? How could he explain? Tony would want answers but he wasn't ready to give them. It was still too raw.
"He'll give up soon if you don't answer."
"Good, I'm tired of listening to the ringing."
"No I mean he will give up on you. He will think you don't care or can just so easily forget. He is probably worried sick about you right now." She got up from the bed and made her way to the door. "If you don't want to talk about what happened then just tell him. If he is as a decent person as I think he is then he will understand. But call him. Reassure him."
Then she left. He heard her footsteps drifting away down the hall before the rhythmic beat of her feet as she walked down the stairs. Loki looked at his phone sceptically. Seven missed calls. He must really be worried. Taking a deep breath, Loki tapped the call button and waited. Tony picked up almost immediately.
"Loki, shit, are you alright? I called but you didn't answer and I was worried."
Well Frigga had definitely got that right.
"I'm fine," Loki said, hoping it was convincing. It probably wasn't. "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
There was a long pause. "What?"
"I'm sorry," he repeated.
"Yeah I heard that, but what I meant was why? Why are you apologising? You haven't done anything."
"I..." Loki's voice faded away. He honestly had nothing to say. A noise on the other end of the line drew his attention. "Are you in a car?"
"Yeah," Tony replied. "I'm going somewhere important."
"Sorry, I'll leave you to-"
"I swear to god, if you apologise one more time I might crash this car."
Another apology was on the tip of his tongue, but, with that in mind, Loki swallowed it down. Tony may be super smart but Loki wouldn't put it past him to deliberately crash his car just to prove a point. It was strange that he hadn't actually wanted to talk to Tony at all yet he was now feeling a bit better just from this short, and frankly pointless, conversation.
From the other line he heard the sound of an engine dying, having been switched off. He assumed Tony had reached his important destination.
"Hey, can you turn off your bedroom light then switch it back on?"
"What?" Loki was thoroughly confused. "Why?"
"Just do it, Loki, please."
He did. Getting up from his bed, he flicked the switch on the wall off then on again. Why he was even doing this, he didn't know. Best not to question.
"Okay that's great, now open your curtains and look out the window."
Still thoroughly confused, Loki did as instructed. He pulled back the curtains on either side then stared out the window. He caught sight of him immediately. There was Tony leaning against his car door where it was parked against the curb, phone to his ear and grin on his face.
"I thought you were going somewhere important," Loki said dubiously.
There was a sigh and he frowned up at the window where he could see Loki looking down on him. "Do I really need to explain to you that you are important?"
He shook his head then, realising Tony probably didn't see, he croaked out a "no."
"Good," Tony said. "Now are you coming with me or do you want to stay here?"
A few minutes later Loki was ready to leave. He'd changed his clothes into something more comfortable and sorted his hair so it was falling round his face like it naturally did. He knew if he asked to leave his parent's wouldn't let him. Creeping down the stairs, he stepped quietly past the closed living room door, pausing briefly to see what they were talking about. Him. Obviously. Luckily they were loud enough that he managed to open and close the front door without rousing suspicion.
Outside the air was biting, he jogged over to Tony, wanting to get into his car before his hands gave way to frostbite. It was around eleven o'clock at night and winter. Did he ever really expect it to be warm? When he drew up in front of Tony, he did not expect the man to wrap his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. At first Loki was reluctant to return the gesture but then the warmth of Tony seeped into him, warming him despite the cold, and felt himself relax and give in to the wonderful feeling that was his boyfriend.
He hadn't even realised he was crying again until Tony held him even tighter, running his fingers through his hair and muttering nonsense into his ear. Sometime later, he didn't know specifics, Tony guided him into the passenger seat before settling back into the driver's side. As they pulled away, Loki glanced back to his house where the lights were still on. He wondered how long it would take them to realise he was gone. In some ways he really didn't care.
"Rhodey doesn't know I came here to get you. He doesn't know anything, actually," Tony added.
" 'kay," Loki mumbled, not sure if he wanted to talk or not. "Do you think he'll mind me being there?"
"He won't know until tomorrow, he was already in bed when I got home. But he shouldn't do, there's not really any reason to be."
Loki nodded, relieved. For a second he thought Tony was going to turn around and send him away. A stupid thought, he knew, but his thought none the less. Luckily, Tony was still willing to take him in for the night and for that Loki was beyond grateful.
They arrived at his house not long later. It was pitch black by now and they had to use the lights of their phones to find their way. Tony's room was the same as always when the light was switched on after the door had been shut. They both took seats on the bed, unsure of what else to do. Loki was content with just sitting but he could feel Tony's curiosity buzzing in the air around them. However, he remained resolutely silent. He hadn't sat too close to Loki either, on the contrary, there was almost a metre gap between them.
"Um..." Tony began after several minutes of silence. "I'm really not good at this stuff but if it helps, do you...do you wanna talk about it?"
In that moment every single negative feeling that Loki had felt all evening welled up inside of him so strongly that he had no hope of swallowing it down. "No," he cried, though not too loudly that Rhodey would hear. "No I don't want to talk about it," he spat in his most poisonous voice.
It was cruel and he knew it. It was wrong to take his anger and sorrow out on Tony because, in truth, the man had done nothing wrong. Being there for him was all the man had done. Yet here Loki was treating him as though he was the worst possible human in the world at that moment. Loki didn't hate Tony. Of course he didn't. But in that moment he wanted to. He wanted to hate everything about the man who was so calm, just sitting and staring at the ground in silent defeat while Loki himself was a ball of raging emotions. He wanted to shout and scream at him for being so calm when at this moment in time Loki's world felt like it was crumbling around him. No he didn't want to talk about it. Of course he didn't. He wanted to forget. He wanted to be far away where people wouldn't lie to him. He just wanted not to feel. It was too much. Just too much.
At his harsh words and tone, Tony recoiled knowing he had said totally the wrong thing. He wasn't good in these kinds of situations. He was better at maths and science, of fixed things and fixed ways to solve problems. Emotions were a foreign world to him. Shifting backwards, he leant back against the headboard, his head dropping backwards, hitting the wall behind. He watched with trepidation as Loki's expression changed with every passing second while his breathing quickened then evened off into a more natural rhythm.
Slowly, Loki slid off the bed, walked over to the light switch and flicked it off. The only remaining light source was from the street lamps outside, their orange glow illuminating Tony's room through window, whose curtains were not drawn. He then stepped softly back up to the bed and knelt in front of the man on the bed.
"I'm sorry," he murmured, only looking up when he felt a hand on his cheek.
Tony offered him a weak smile, lifting his arms welcomingly. Without hesitation, Loki took the opportunity offered, burying his face into Tony's chest and breathing in his scent while the man rubbed soothing circles over his back.
"I'm sorry," he said again. This time a whisper.
Tony just held him tighter.
It didn't take long for Loki to fall asleep. Though Tony was happy he had calmed down enough to find some rest, he wasn't in the most comfortable position himself and soon found his arms and legs going numb. Carefully, centimetre by centimetre, inch by inch, he slid out from under Loki, gently so as not to wake him. He felt inside his wardrobe, finding a spare blanket, then moved back to the bed and draping it over Loki who mumbled in his sleep but didn't wake. Tony settled back beside him, running his fingers absently through his hair.
The sound of a phone ringing startled him so badly that he almost fell off the side of the bed. How Loki managed to stay asleep astounded him. Fumbling around, Tony finally found what he was looking for. Loki's phone had obviously fallen out of his pocket and gotten caught up in the bed sheets as it took Tony a while to find. When he did he wasn't surprised to see Loki's mum calling.
Against his better judgement, he declined the call and switched Loki's phone onto silent so that if she called again, which she did, then it wouldn't make too much noise. It was after the sixth call that the phone fell silent and didn't ring again. Tony pitied the woman. She was clearly worried and he could definitely understand why. All she wanted to know was that Loki was safe.
Taking up Loki's phone, he found Frigga's number and sent her a quick text. He explained that Loki was with him and he was safe and currently sleeping and that Tony would drop him home the next day. Less than a minute later he received a reply. He could feel the relief flooding through the message as Frigga expressed her gratitude in every way imaginable. Tony could tell she wanted to bring her son home but knew that for now it was in his best interests to stay away.
As Tony settled down to sleep beside Loki, he couldn't help but be slightly jealous. No matter how much Loki complained about his family and how they weren't really his, there was no denying that there was love there.
He was jostled awake by the man himself the next morning. Loki sat up, staring around blearily obviously trying to piece together the events of the night before. As Tony sat up as well, he watched the man touch his cheek, wincing as he put pressure on the lightly bruised skin.
"Hey," Tony said when Loki finally looked up at him.
"Hi," Loki replied. He hesitated. "I'm sorry about yesterday...I..." Words failed him as he tried to explain exactly why he was sorry or what had happened.
"Don't, it's fine." Tony placed a placatory hand over Loki's own, squeezing it reassuringly.
Loki's phone buzzed with a text. Letting go of Tony's hand, he seized it and read the message. His brow furrowed but for what emotion, Tony didn't know. Loki scrolled up a few texts then let out a disgusted sound and shoved the phone in his pocket. Before Tony could even ask what was going on, he was heading for the bedroom door, clearly not intending to stay a minute longer.
"Hey, where are you going? What's wrong?" Tony called, managing to get in between him and the door before the man could leave.
"What's wrong? You told my mother where I was without my permission and did it using my own phone, again without my permission."
"She was worried about you."
"You had no right!" And Loki was shouting again. This time it wasn't controlled like the previous evening when they feared waking Rhodey. No, this was Loki unleashing his full wrath and Tony was the unfortunate victim. "It is none of your business, you had no right to get involved."
"I get I'm not actually a member of your family Loki but I think I kinda am involved seeing I was there as you and your dad had a huge fight and then he hit you. I was the one who brought you here so don't tell me I'm not involved. Your mum was worried so I helped because it was the right thing to do."
"The right thing to you maybe, but not to me."
This time Loki was too quick for Tony as he managed to dart round him, leaving the door wide open as he hurried off down stairs. Groaning in annoyance and confusion, Tony followed again. He grabbed Loki's wrist as they reached the kitchen, bringing him back round to face him.
"Then what was the right thing?" Tony demanded, letting go of his wrist as Loki wriggled in his grip.
"Not telling her anything. It would only have been one night that I would be missing, it wasn't your place to tell them without even asking me."
"I understand that Loki, I really do," He pleaded, still trying to work out why Loki was so angry with him. "But don't you think it was kinder to her just to let her know that you were okay. I don't think you understand how worried she is."
"Of course I do! I'm not stupid-"
"Then just think for a minute, they're your family."
"But they're NOT!" This time Loki was screaming and Tony was pretty sure that the whole street would hear, not just Rhodey.
"Maybe not biologically but they still love you and took you in. They would never have done that unless they cared even just a tiny bit. Frigga considers you her son and you're a brother to Thor and I don't think that will ever change."
"I don't give a shit about that, the fact that they may or may not love me. It's the lies, I can't take that. They lied for almost eighteen years."
"I get that-"
"No," Loki said shakily, pointing at Tony. "No you don't get it. And do you want to know why?"
Tony was definitely sure he didn't. The glint in Loki's eye was of pure malice and he couldn't tell if this was true and Loki really hated him or it was just a cover for something else. Either way he didn't like it. And he dreaded the man's next words.
"Why?" He asked defiantly, just so that Loki wouldn't think he was backing down, even though he really wanted to.
"Because you have no family. Your parents are dead so you've never experienced anything close to this. You have absolutely. No. Idea. How this feels."
After that he blinked, whether in shock or not, Tony didn't know or care. Luckily he didn't have to question it because a second later Loki had disappeared out the kitchen and then the front door slammed and he was gone. Tony released a very heavy breath, slumping against the wall. He slid down to the floor, resting his forehead on his drawn up knees. He didn't think there were words to actually describe how he was feeling in that moment.
Low blow Loki, very low blow. I wonder what will happen next? Please leave a review?! :)
