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Chapter 18 - Aftermath Number Two - Part II

As they made their way down the same route that had hosted the horrible event from earlier that day, Harry felt heavier and heavier, and more and more in need of sleep. He had a feeling his professor was sensing this because he was ushered into Severus' quarters, which were cozy in a masculine way. A roaring fire greeted them in a large sitting area that was spacious enough to hold a long sofa, coffee table and plush black leather chair. Harry noted a desk against a far wall that had books and papers stacked neatly. Ol' Severus Snape is a tidy chap, he thought to himself. Severus had a hand on his shoulder, physically guiding him toward an open doorway.

"The lavatory is there," Severus said as he pointed to another open doorway several feet over, "and this would be where you shall stay." He deliberately phrased this so that Harry wouldn't have reason to wonder if there was a time limit. "When you are more rested, I'll show you how to access entrance on your own. We will set the wards to recognize you."

Harry walked into a nice, tidy room furnished with bed, desk, and armoire. The bed had standard issue Hogwarts linens and thick comforter, which was currently turned back to welcome him.

"Have a good sleep."

Severus closed the door quietly, and Harry kicked off his new trainers and crawled under the comforter. The room was just chilly enough for him to need it. His final thought before sleep overtook him was, this is the maddest experience yet, second only to the public whipping.

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Severus sensed movement and looked up from his reading as a rumple-haired Harry stepped into the sitting room. The boy seemed slightly better, but also not entirely comfortable. Severus jerked his head to suggest Harry have a seat on the sofa. He closed his book and set it aside. "It's getting close to the dinner hour," he started, "would you want to stay down here and have a quiet meal with me? or, are you feeling more inclined to rejoin your peers?"

Harry sat on the sofa and found himself nervously clasping his hands in his lap. "Er… I guess I'd rather stay here," he said noncommittally. "I don't have an appetite at all."

Severus nodded. He leaned back in his chair and looked at the fire for a few moments, and expressed his sentiments while his eyes were still on the flames, because his chest was tight with his own tension. "I encourage you to spend as much time resting, and finding calm stillness, as you desire. You have been through an extraordinary amount of turmoil and strife, Harry. It accelerated dramatically last term, but really hit its stride with the battle at the Ministry, did it not? Those tragic results, and the violations you suffered there, were followed by weeks of neglect that also ended in violence. And now, you're finding yourself under the direct supervision of people that you've been obligated to trust. And that trust is quite tenuous, isn't it?" He turned back to look at Harry and found him struggling to hold himself together. "I told you earlier that I will put my life on the line to protect you-"

"I don't want you or anyone else to get hurt, or worse, because of me!" Harry ground out.

Severus nodded calmly. "Of course you don't," he said. "But our eyes have been opened, Lucius' and mine especially. There's no returning to a time of indifference to the impact that our actions have had on you." He had Harry's attention now. "We see you. I see you now, Harry. And I've been seeing myself, with far more clarity." Severus swallowed hard, as he paused to consider how to express the sudden shifts in perspective he'd had in recent days and weeks. "I have not recognized myself for years. Nor have I understood my dark moods. My rage at my own losses, and suffering, has kept me in a very bitter stasis that has defined me. I've blamed particular individuals for the injuries they remind me that I have experienced. Because, they remind me of my failures and weaknesses."

"I think I understand what you're saying," Harry said carefully. But this was incredibly complicated.

"Somewhere in this mess, there will need to be repercussions," Severus said next. He waited to see Harry's response to this. "I don't exclude myself from those."

Harry looked at Severus warily. "I'm not the only one you were awful to," he pointed out.

"Indeed you were not."

They sat in silence for a while, and Severus wondered where Harry's thoughts had wandered. He had been in a constant habit of Occluding his own thoughts for the past several weeks, so his inner monologue was now shut off, and his awareness was in the present moment, and nothing more.

"My solicitor asked me if I wanted to file charges against my relatives," Harry broke the silence with this unexpected ditty. "I don't want to do that. I don't want to go in front of any court, or jury, or Wizangamot, ever again. So if the Dursleys are going to pay a price, it will be in a different way." He paused for a moment to see where Severus stood with what he'd said so far, but the potions master kept his thoughts to himself. "I want each of them to receive some form of retribution, eventually."

"Do you have anything in mind?" Severus asked, suddenly intrigued.

Harry debated and then finally took the risk. "Sir, can I ask you something… and if it is going to make you angry, will you just say so, and we'll change the subject?"

Severus blinked. "Ask your question," he said warily.

"Well, you completely shocked me when you told me about knowing my mum, and being such good friends," Harry started. He watched Severus' color drain from his already too-pale visage, and hesitated. But the older wizard gave no indication that he wanted Harry to stop there, so after a beat, he went on. "Last week, when I was listening to records with Remus, and you seemed put off by the one we had on-"

"The RAM album," Severus supplied. He heard the tight edge in his voice, and inhaled deeply to loosen his chest. But he had to clench his jaw to compensate.

"I used to listen to that record when my aunt and uncle would leave me on my own for long stretches," Harry explained. "My aunt kept a collection of records in a case that looked quite old, and she was very careful with them. She would have beaten me black and blue if she'd known I'd touched any of them." He paused when he saw a flicker of something in Severus' expression, and knew he'd assumed correctly. "And I recall that every album cover had initials written on it in black ink. The initials were L.E. and S.S."

"Yes," Severus confirmed. He was beginning to breathe more heavily, and his default defense mechanism of lashing out with a disdainful tongue was rushing to the surface. He was well aware that the teen seated on his couch was fully cognizant of his inner struggle. You just told him you knew you'd be due to suffer repercussions, he reminded himself. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a moment to focus his attention on his palms and soles. When he felt more centered, he reopened his eyes and found Harry watching him. "We shared them," he admitted. "Your mother had more pocket money than I did, and she bought most of the collection, but she insisted they were both of ours. We kept them at her house because things that were precious tended to get broken and destroyed in my household."

That comment landed heavily with Harry. Ohhhh. Now, he had clarity, and it made sense: Severus Snape's vile disposition was rooted in deep pain. When he'd lost Lily, he'd suffered a blow that had left him impaired. Harry looked at his professor meaningfully. "You bought the RAM album, though, didn't you?" He couldn't even begin to interpret the emotions that flashed over his professor's face, but clearly he'd surprised him. "I have an idea, sir. It would benefit you, but it would really give me a tremendous sense of revenge," Harry said. He waited to see if Severus could handle the tangent he'd just taken.

Severus felt incredibly vulnerable. Instincts were telling him to jump to his feet, draw his wand, and silence the young miscreant who dared to have such insight. But he somehow stayed glued to his chair, and summoned the strength to sound marginally casual as he asked, "What are you thinking?"

"You should go get those records from Privet Drive," Harry said. "It's not stealing. They're yours." He watched the way Severus clenched his jaw and released it, only to clench it again, for about the thirteenth time since they'd started this discussion. "And it would completely destroy my aunt in exactly the way she deserves."

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There had been a long silence since Harry had made his suggestion, and Severus had acquiesced to consider it. Harry had felt a brief sense of normalcy about sitting here, quiet but mostly comfortable with the (former) greasy bat of the dungeons. But it was short lived, because as he acknowledged his professor's heavy burdens and long history of hard lessons and drama, all of the things Harry had to worry about came rushing forward.

If he knew my plans, he'd reject me. They'd all reject me. Harry just knew this to be true. He closed his eyes and flashed back onto the moments in the corridor, earlier today when he was experiencing those Ministry sanctioned consequences. It had been his worst experience yet, but on some level, it had not been a surprise that it had happened. He rubbed at his eyes and face, helpless to understand

"To where did your thoughts just roam, Mr. Potter?" Severus asked quietly, but the boy wouldn't make eye contact and did not answer him. "May I ask you something then? Something I've wondered about?" That made Harry snap his eyes back to lock onto Severus' with very open alarm. The energy in the room was crackling from their individual emanations of raw emotion and turmoil. Severus flashed back onto the sight he'd come upon earlier in the corridor, and how emotionally wounded The Boy Who Lived clearly continued to be from today's event. "Are you planning to leave the wizarding world?"

Harry gulped. "Why are you asking me that?"

"I'm thinking of the letters of recommendation you keep in that pack of yours. Where is that, by the way? Your book bag is on the desk in your room, did you see it?"

My room? Harry's agitation was growing with each tick of the clock, and thoughts and fears were pinging and ponging in his mind. Just tell him, he dared himself. His goblin solicitor had said everything was set. He didn't like having this secret, and he was convinced that when the truth came out, his new mentors would resent him for rejecting their efforts on his behalf, and possibly even turn their backs on him. Might as well get on with it, then. "I needed those letters for my application," he blurted out. His breathing was getting more and more agitated.

"Application for what?" Severus asked carefully.

"For emancipation," Harry said boldly. He stared at the potions master intensely, openly challenging him to handle himself in alignment with what he'd pledged to Harry earlier. His professor was clearly quite shocked.

"Why would you do that?" Severus asked in a stoney tone.

"Why wouldn't I?" Harry yelled in frustration laced with real pain. It made his voice crack and his eyes redden, but he otherwise held himself together while he ranted on. "I've already told you what it was like for me, all first term. And that was after a shite summer, and the Tournament! Why in the hell wouldn't I try to get away from all of the adults around me? No one helped me in any real way. And many took full advantage of the fact that my aunt and uncle could care less if I'm mistreated here! Why wouldn't I free myself from that?"

Severus' mind was reeling, and he was heaving breaths in and out through his nose, while clamping his lips together to stop himself from verbally assaulting this idiot boy in front of him, while at the same time, he completely agreed with Harry's sentiments. But this newly refined version of himself, which he'd been cultivating for only a short time, was not able to step forward. He was only able to grate out, "How likely is it that you'll succeed, and when would you gain independence?"

"If Dumbledore stays out of it, I'll have legal control of my own affairs at the end of the month, when I'm fifteen and a half," Harry said angrily. He had already warned himself that it could all implode at any second, anyway, if Dumbledore decided to intervene. There's no way he didn't Legilimize Aunt Petunia. No way. Harry could only guess that Dumbledore wasn't concerned about Harry gaining independence right now, but there's still twenty-two more days that he could interfere.

Severus leaned forward with elbows on knees and pressed his face into steepled hands, his eyes closed against the very complex reaction he was having to this news. He was enraged, and frustrated, yes, but the surge of heartbreak and betrayal was unexpected and somewhat confusing. He could feel his own eyes reddening because of it. He kept them closed as he asked, "Why would you do that now?"

"Now?" Harry repeated. He blinked. "Thicknesse did to me today what every supporter of Voldemort would enjoy doing to me," he said bitterly. He studied Severus Snape, who was sitting across from him, obviously judging him as usual, and once again, Harry saw the awful professor whose company he'd dreaded sharing for four and a half long years. Now the older wizard opened his eyes and frowned at him in confusion, but Harry could only read hostility into the look. He stood up, questioning his own sanity for allowing himself to be isolated with a wizard who had historically made him feel hated, and trapped, and violated. What the bloody hell am I doing here?

Severus stood too. "Harry?"

"What could possibly go wrong? Harry Potter is finally contained and under control-"

"Harry," Severus said more loudly, attempting to be careful, but he was unable to tamp down the harshness in his tone, "I know there's reason for you to feel tense, but let's sit back down and talk things through-"

"You can stop calling me "Harry" just so that I'll think I'm safe here," Harry told him. His agitation had sky-rocketed and now he was quaking with it.

"You are safe here," Severus said firmly. He looked like he wanted to come closer to Harry, but hesitated.

"No, I'm not," Harry snapped. He remembered how intensely he'd had to work to hold himself together for the last four months. How he'd yearned for the days until the 31st of January to fly by. And Snape had been a big part of the awfulness, until… what? seven days ago? He couldn't allow himself to trust Snape. He just couldn't. At some point, the older wizard was going to remember that he hated Harry. Panic set in. "I don't want to be here!" He was huffing in huge breaths and hugging himself, and looking around wildly for the straightest path to the door.

"Look at me," Severus said softly, compellingly.

Harry did, and it was like a benevolent force had snapped metaphorical fingers to clear the confusion. He now saw for himself that Severus was as wrung out as he was. Severus took a step toward him, and then another, and then one more until he was close enough pull Harry into a hug.

"You are safe here," Severus said again, his voice deepened from strain. He moved a hand to the back of Harry's head, and squeezed him with the other arm, but the teen was holding himself very rigidly, and vibrating in agitation. Severus realized he should let him go, rather than risk furthering Harry's sense of violation. But, he held on for just a moment more, as he flashed back to the memory of observing Harry's turmoil while in the cell the other night. The constant infliction of transgression that Harry had experienced certainly would have taken this toll. "I'm inclined to feel shocked that you took such elaborate steps on your own behalf, but I really shouldn't, should I?" That must of been what Harry needed to hear because he relaxed slightly, and leaned into the embrace. "Of course you would question the purpose of remaining in Wizarding Britain. I see the basis of your sentiments... I'm going to have to make certain you realize that you can turn to me, whenever you need to, so that…. perhaps you'll confide in me. So that... perhaps I can help you find reason to stay. Because I want you to stay."

Now Harry's arms were hugging him back.

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All holders of the messenger coin received the update from Dumbedore as dinner was beginning.

I have finally succeeded… in gaining audience with… the Wizengamot. We will… work through dinner to… formally reinstate me… at Hogwarts…. I will see you… later tonight