That's the Way I Loved You
AN: For information reasons, at the start of the story, E B are both 18. They are seniors are in high school. Also, text like 'this' are text messages and text like "this" are thoughts. Thanks, again, for the great feedback! I'm really glad you all are enjoying this story! This chapter is entirely in Edward's POV and will take us through his time in college and will also be taking us through his experience after the breakup. Also, I suck, I know. I tried to get this chapter out sooner but Edward wasn't speaking to me all the time. I think Bella tends to be more vocal with me. I'm sorry, guys. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Disclaimer: Twilight = not mine.
Chapter Three
September 20th, 2012 – EPOV
It's been about four months or so since I broke Bella's heart and since she left Forks, cutting me out of her life. I'm trying to move on but it's hard. Bella went to Harvard and that's all I know. I've tried asking Alice about her but she won't tell me anything. And it's not like I can force her to tell me because she's at school in California – all across the world from me. Not only am I completely alone for the first time in my whole life but it feels like it's truly over this time with Bella so I have nothing left to do but try to move on. I'm at NYU right now and focusing on my classes. College is a lot different than high school. It was so easy in high school – I barely had to study, passed all my classes easily, and everyone loved me. At college, I feel like I barely know anything, the classes are difficult, and no one knows who I am.
I'm being forced to live in the dorms – something about my parents thinking it'll help build character – and my roommate hates me. His name is James Witherdale. He has light brown hair and light blue eyes. He's originally from New York but living in the dorms because he's some hotshot football player and got a scholarship. Apparently, living on campus makes it easier for him to go to practice. You'd think we'd actually get along because we like a lot of the same things – sports, good music, for example – but he's a jerk. You'd think someone who needs a scholarship and had his kind of upbringing – going to a low income public school and being in a middle class family – he'd be less stuck up and rude but, apparently, that's not the case. Speaking of the jerk, guess who just walked in.
"Hey, man, I got invited to a party tonight and I'm going with a bunch of my teammates. Want to come with?"
"No, I'm good. I don't need you to get me into a party, man." I say with annoyance and extra emphasis on the man to show my dislike for the nickname he insists on calling me – and for him.
"Okay. Suit yourself." He shrugs his shoulders and lays on his bed, listing to music on his smartphone.
He's always doing stuff like this to rub how great he is in my face. He'll offer to introduce me to the cheerleaders that are always hanging on him or invite me to hang out with him and the football team. He's offered to tutor me when he saw the C- I got on a term paper. He pretends he's being a nice guy but I know he's just showing off his popularity and smarts. Like I said earlier, he hates me and that's the only reason he's offering to do all these "nice" things for me.
October 20th, 2012
It's been a month and I'm finally getting the hang of this college thing. I'm doing better in my classes and I spend all my time in my dorm room or the library. I haven't really made any friends here – not even with people in my classes. I've tried but no one seems to want to hang out . . . ever. College is so different from high school. Back in high school, the grades came easy, everyone loved me, and everyone wanted to be my friend. In high school, I was on top of the world. Here, at college, I have to work for my grades, the subjects are a lot harder, no one knows me and the ones that do know me don't want to know me. I've never felt smaller than I do right now.
On the plus side, James has finally stopped showing off, at least. He's stopped offering to tutor, stopped offering to hang out, stopped inviting me to parties and football outings and just everything. He barely even talks to me now, for which I'm thankful. Thankful that he stopped showing off his popularity, and his amazing grades, and how much better than everybody he thinks he is.
December 22nd, 2012
It's finally the end of the semester and I just had my last final. I'm so relieved to be done with this semester and James. He's been getting my nerves even more than usual lately. I don't know why but everything about him just bothers me now. When he taps his pencil, or plays video games, or even just seeing the clothes he wears. He walks in the door and sits down at his desk and starts messing around his phone – probably texting one of his lame friends.
"One more day. Just one more day before I never have to see him or deal with him again. Just one more day before I head home to Forks for the break."
"Ugh." I say as he starts tapping his foot against the floor.
He gets up and whirls around to face me. "Dude, what is your problem?!"
I feign nonchalance as I respond. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a problem with you."
"Bull! You've had a problem with me since the day we met and I have no idea what I did! This whole time, I've been nothing but nice to you – or, at least, tried to be!"
"'Tried to be nice to me'?" I say, using air quotes. "You haven't been nice to me – you've been rubbing your popularity in my face, showing off all your friends and bragging about your spectacular grades."
Exasperated, he exclaims, "What?! Dude, no, that's how you've been seeing that all this time? I wasn't trying to do any of that at all – I was trying to be your roommate, your friend! I was just trying to help you and include you. God, you're more selfish, snooty, and stuck-up than I thought."
It's clear he's given up as he just walks out of the room before I can respond. I don't actually know how to respond. For maybe the first time in my life, I'm speechless.
December 23rd, 2012
The plane just hit the tarmac. I'm officially back in Forks. James wasn't in the room when I went to bed and I left the dorm early this morning before he woke up. It's for the best. I'm not sure we'd know what to say each other. Or if we'd even say anything. I certainly still don't know what to say so it was probably for the best that we didn't actually see each other before I left for winter break. I just passed security and I see Carlisle, my dad, waiting for me. He waves to me and, when I get next to him, pulls me in for a hug. I hug him back, tightly. I've missed my dad. I've missed my family. It's been hard to not see them every day so I'm excited to see my mom, Esme, and my siblings, Emmett and Alice.
Dad claps me on the back. "Let's get home. Alice and Jasper have been there for a couple of hours already and Emmett and Rose arrived just as I left to get you. Esme has been missing you all terribly and can't wait to see you. She can't wait to have everyone back home again."
I laugh because that is just so Mom and agree. I start wheeling my suitcase and follow Dad to where he parked.
The drive from the Seattle airport was fairly uneventful and it felt like forever before we pulled up to home. Suitcase, free from the trunk and following behind me, I step through the front door and my senses are immediately assaulted with Christmas music and the scent of home mixed with Mom's amazing gingerbread cookies. I walk into the kitchen and see Mom, Rose, and Alice in full-on Christmas cookie baking mode. They haven't even noticed I'm here.
"Well, something smells good in here."
Esme wheels at the sound of my voice and rushes to give me a tight hug, which are then followed with hugs from Alice and Rose. I've missed my mom. I've missed my sister. I've missed Rose. We may not be related (yet) but she's still like a sister to me. I've just missed being home. Dad walks into the room followed by Emmett and Jasper. We all catch up before I leave to put my suitcase in my room and then Emmett, Jasper, and I head down to the basement to play video games. Dad was called into the hospital for an emergency and the girls went back to making the cookies.
December 24th, 2012
I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, completely on edge. I don't know why but no one seems to know how to drive around the holidays. I wouldn't have even gone out today had Mom not asked if I could go to the store and pick up some items she forget to get for dinner tonight and tomorrow. The roads were filled with idiots. The parking lot was filled with idiots. And the store is filled with idiots. Everyone is walking slow, stopping randomly, and generally just being in the way. I put the last ingredient needed in my basket, round the corner, and am about to head to the checkout line when I see her.
Bella is picking up some things, too. I didn't think I'd see her this soon. I didn't think I'd see her at all right now. Even though her parents live here and this is her hometown, too, I just didn't think she'd come back so soon after everything. I guess I thought she'd want to stay away longer. She still looks like my Bella, except she's not my Bella anymore. She's still beautiful, though. And is she favoring her left arm? She's right handed and usually holds bags and the like with her right. I look a little closer and realize she has a sprint on her wrist.
I'm about to walk up to her and say hi – and find out what happened to her wrist – when I see she gets a text message. And smiles . . . brightly. I recognize that smile. She used to give me that smile. I saw it for the first time the next time I saw her after our first date.
I turn around and walk down a different aisle to the registers. She's happy. She's moved on. And she definitely doesn't want to see me.
I arrive home, put the bags on the kitchen counter, and head straight to my room, slamming the door shut. Seeing Bella – and seeing Bella has moved on – didn't do much to help my annoyed mood. If anything, it made it worse. I hadn't actually thought about her in months because I knew, if I thought about her, I'd want to call her and she blocked me from everything. I thought being able to put her out of my mind would help me move on. I thought I had moved on but, apparently, I was wrong. I still love her as much as I did almost eight months ago. On one hand, I'm glad she's not in pain anymore. But, on the other, I hate that she's happy and doing okay while I'm miserable. Resolving to put Bella out of my mind again, I put in my headphones and slowly drift off.
I don't how much time has passed. I just know it's dark. I reach for my phone on the nightstand to check the time. I'm blinded by the light but, as my eyes adjust, I see it's a little after five. I get up and make my way downstairs. I know my family will wonder about what set my mood off earlier but I don't really feel like getting into it and I don't want talk of Bella to put a damper on our holiday so I just explain that people were idiots and they left it at that. They know that dealing with strangers on holidays always put me in a negative mood for this very reason.
Esme is the first to break the ice and change the topic. "Well, dinner is ready so let's sit down to eat and then we can decorate our gingerbread houses for our annual gingerbread house competition."
We all agree and make our way to the dining room. Pretty soon, we're all eating and joking and having a blast. It's just like old times. I can see the happiness and joy on everyone's faces and I just feel like my happiness is fake. And it's because Bella is supposed to here. She'd spend every Christmas Eve with my family and me. I can see her all night long. I can see her sitting next to me at dinner. I can see her giving it right back to Em and Jazz. I can see her talking fashion and celebrities with Alice and Rose. I can see her talking politics and news and literature with my mom and dad. I can see that happy smile she used to reserve just for me as I grabbed her hand under the table. I can see her completely dominating at the gingerbread house challenge. I can see her curled up on my lap as we all drank hot chocolate in front of the fireplace. And, at the end of the night, when we would sneak away to watch the snow fall, I can see her when she would hand me my present. And I can see her standing on her tip toes to kiss me gently after she opened hers before I'd stand behind her and wrap my arms around her to just watch the snow gently kiss the ground as she laid the back of her head against my chest.
Everywhere I look, there's the ghost of Bella when she was mine, when I put the smile on her face. But, now, someone else is. Bella is happy and I'm miserable. With only the hot chocolate in my hand, I look around the room. In the glow of the fireplace, Esme and Carlisle have abandoned their hot chocolates on the coffee table and are starting to fall asleep, wrapped up in each other. In the glow of the fireplace, Jasper and Alice whispering sweet nothings as their legs are entwined. In the glow of the fireplace, Rose has her legs on Emmett's lap and he's massaging her feet. Everyone has someone except for me and I don't quite feel like being surrounded by couples anymore tonight so I excuse myself to retire to my room.
December 25th, 2012
I hoped, when I woke up this morning, I wouldn't feel so gloomy but I guess it was wishful thinking. At least, the weather matches my mood. Gray, overcast, and not even the snow can cover the gray, dirty slush on the ground from last night. Still, it's Christmas and I've got my family so I'm not completely alone. Putting on my gray slippers and the red Christmas sweater Mom makes us wear every year, I make my way downstairs for our Christmas pancakes.
Everyone is already settled at the dining room table and has food on their plates.
"Couldn't even wait for me, guys? I see how important I am." I joke to everyone at the table.
Em is the first to respond. "Well, we couldn't wait all day for you to get up, pretty boy. We were hungry and the world doesn't revolve around you, you know?"
I feign shock and put on my hand on my chest. "What? It doesn't? I'm wounded."
"Okay, guys, less joking, more eating. I can't wait for everyone to open their presents!" Alice clapped happily and everyone dug into our food and light conversation.
After we all cleaned up our dishes, the kitchen, and put the food away, we made our way to the living room for presents, per Alice's request. Of course, she went first. Everyone loved their gifts and we were about to settle in to our tradition of watching Christmas movies when Emmett spoke up.
"Before we start the movie marathon, there's actually someone I forget to give a gift to." We're all confused before he turns to Rosalie and gets down on one knee.
"Rose, when we first met, you were the only girl to turn me down and not fall at my feet. You had me chasing you for months before I finally wore you down and got you to agree to go out with me. Ever since then, you've always been by my side, even with all the stupid stuff I did. You never gave up on me and I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. From the very first day, when you punched me for a pig, I knew you were going to be the woman I marry. I don't want to wait one more second to ask you this. So, baby, will you marry me?"
Looking at Rose, you can see the shock and happiness on her face. She's speechless for about ten seconds before shouting yes and jumping in Em's arms. When she leaves his embrace, we all offer our congratulations. Mom and Alice go to look at the ring as we crack jokes at Em's expense and then we settle in for the marathon.
It's about quarter to 2 and I can't sleep. Bella is still on my mind. No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried not to think about her, she kept popping up. I make my way downstairs to get some water. Maybe that will help me sleep. I know usually warm milk makes you drowsy but I don't want to put that much work into it.
Leaning against the kitchen counter, I'm surprised to hear Alice speak up. "What's wrong with you, Edward?"
Shocked, I tell her "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine, Alice."
"Don't lie to me, Edward. You've been weird ever since you returned from the supermarket yesterday. Everyone else may be willing to act like they haven't noticed but I can't anymore. Talk to me."
Shocked that everyone saw through my façade, I reply. "I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it. Apparently not."
"You were but your eyes gave it away. Whenever you're upset, the smile never reaches them."
I chuckle at that. "I'll have to practice that, then." Letting out a breath as Alice moves next to me, I tell her. "I saw Bella the other day. The first time I've seen her since the breakup. She's happy; she's moved on. It's only taken her almost eight months to get over me, to get over our three years together. Meanwhile, I'm still in love with her. I'm miserable. Being back here, I see her everywhere and I relive all our memories – good and bad – and it's worse now that I know that she has someone else. I didn't actually talk to her but it seems like, since she left, she's thrived and I've . . . hit rock bottom. College is harder than I thought it would be. I've got no friends there, I have to work hard just get to an average grade, and I just feel so alone there. I had it made it here. What if I peaked in high school? What if I never amount to anything? What if my life got completely ruined when Bella broke up with me?"
Alice hugs me tight as I continue to explain, continue to get everything off my chest. I explain about the C- I got. I explain about no one wanting to hang out with me. I explain about how James was a complete jerk. At the end of it, I feel so much better, so much lighter. It's like a weight has been lifted.
"Edward, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you. But why didn't you say something? To any of us? You know we'd be there for you, no matter what."
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. You all have your own lives. I guess I didn't want to burden you with it."
She punches me on the arm. "You're not going to burden us with this! We're family! We're here for each other!" She says, exasperatedly. "Besides, you're wrong about having no one wanting to hang out with you at college. Your roommate genuinely wanted to hang out with you and be your friend but you were being a jerk to him, not the other way around. You were jealous of him because he was the big man on campus, which you're used to being. But that was here. In Forks. Here, you were a big fish in a little pond and, there, you're a small fish in a big pond. No one probably wanted to hang out with you because of that mentality but James did. James wanted to give you a chance. Just something to think about. I'm going back to bed but I hoped this helped."
I went back to my room and continued to think about what Alice said and realized she was right. James was nice. I was the jerk. And all because I was jealous of him, because he had everything I used to have. And, suddenly, I knew what I had to do to make things right. I had to change. I had to adjust my attitude. And I had to apologize to James.
January 3rd, 2013
Winter break is over and I'm back at NYU. I'm making my way back to my dorm so I can meet my new roommate. I walk in the door to see the light brown hair of my roommate, unpacking his stuff on his desk. He turned around to introduce himself and I can see the shock and horror on his face.
"You've got to be kidding me. You're my roommate again?! I'm stuck with you for another semester?! How the hell did that happen?!"
"I requested to be your roommate again, James. I got some perspective over the break and, while I know you don't owe me anything, I hope you'll hear me out."
He nods his head curtly in agreeance and I begin my spiel. "I was horrible to you all last semester. You just tried to be nice to me, tried to be my friend, and I didn't make that easy. In fact, I didn't let it happen at all. I thought you were just trying to rub your skill, and your popularity, and your good grades in my face but I know now that's not the case. I interpreted it that way because I was jealous of you. In high school, I was the football star with the amazing grades. Every girl wanted me and every guy wanted to be me. And, suddenly, I didn't have any of that but you did. You had everything I was used to and I was rude to you for it. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive my actions and treatment of you. And I hope that we can try being friends now. If you can't, I completely understand if you want a different roommate and I'll go and request a reassignment immediately."
James visibly relaxes and says "We're good, man."
September 23rd, 2016.
Christmas 2012 was a turning point for me. Alice gave me perspective and, as a result, I really grew up in college. I'm not the immature, cocky teen I used to be. And I also got a really great friend out of it. Once I apologized to James, it was a turning point and we became great friends. So great, actually, that we ended up just deciding to rent a place off campus when we became sophomores so that we didn't have worry about leaving the dorms and moving out all our stuff during breaks. I took him up on his offers to go to all the parties he got invited and football team outings and even his help with studying. I got to meet a lot of new people and I started to feel way less alone. I ended up graduating with honors, actually.
After graduation, we went our separate ways. I decided to move back to Forks for the time being to decide what, exactly, I want to do with my degree. I decided to do a double major in music theory and science. I'm thinking about med school but I could also become a producer or a music teacher. James got his degree in business but decided to accept a contract playing for the Chicago Bears while he still has the chance to. We don't see each much but we still keep in touch.
I park my car in the garage and enter the house.
"Home. Feels good to be back."
Upon walking in the living room, I see Alice and Jasper, surrounded by Mom, Dad, Emmett, and Rose. Em and Rose are still just engaged – they're really going for the long engagement. Jasper and Alice are engaged. Well, I'm mostly guessing because Jazz mentioned he was going to pop the question and there's no way Alice would say but I haven't actually heard anything from Alice about it yet.
"Hey, guys. What's going on? Why are we suffocating Alice and Jasper?"
Alice wheels around to show me her finger and excitedly says "Jasper proposed! We're getting married!"
"That's great, Al!" I grab her and ruffle her hair.
"Ed-ward! You'll mess it up!" She shrieks and tries to comb it into place with her fingers.
"It's fine, Al. For real, congratulations, you two."
Jasper walks up to me and says "I actually got something to ask you, too, Edward. Will you be my best man?"
I clap him on the back and say "Yeah, of course. I'd be happy to."
"Good because I got something else to tell you now. Alice asked Bella to be her maid of honor and is making her come to Forks for three months for the wedding planning. We're getting married in December so Alice wants her here to get all the planning and everything done. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. She'll be here next week."
Bella. I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve 2012. I've also tried to not think about her. I tried to get over her and date a few girls in college but they never amounted to anything. Truth is I broke Bella's heart and that's something I never got closure for. I never got to apologize for her for how our relationship ended and how I treated her and how I messed up. How I messed it all up. As a result, I never got to truly move on from her. I felt like I couldn't be with someone else until I apologized to her. I wonder if I'll get that chance now. I wonder how her life turned out. I wonder if she's still seeing that mystery guy, if she's still happy.
AN: Fin! See you guys next time! Bella will be arriving back in Forks! And it might be likely that she finally sees Edward again.
