Here's chapter 2, and the first fight scene I've ever written. As of this chapter no one correctly answered last week's question, the correct answer being Ob-la-di Ob-la-da by the Beatles. That said, I am shocked by how much attention this story has gotten, and I really appreciate it. From here on, this story is available on and . I have no intentions of posting this elsewhere.


"Make haste, Ed-boys! Rolf worried this might happen and has an upgrade to Wilfred's pen in waiting, so we have nothing to fear. Now, to the orchards!" Yelled Rolf, equipping Goin' Under around himself. "Rolf will follow from underground, where there are no obstacles for Rolf. Go!"

The Eds finally realized that they were already in over their heads. They brought out each of their Stands, and as Rolf instantly disappeared, they sprinted towards the orchards. Ed was in front, with Eddy not falling far behind, but for the first time ever, Edd was keeping up with them. "Hey Sockhead, how the hell are you doing that?" Asked Eddy.

"Oh worry not Eddy, for he is simply using the magical sandals of the messenger god Mercury to keep up." Responded an uncalled for Ed.

"Not quite, Ed. I figured that since Wilfred has been known to move quickly even without a Stand, I figured I needed to step up my game. Observe my legs, if you would." Answered Edd. His friend looked down, and wrapped around Ed's legs were the legs of Mr Roboto, running in unison.

The other Eds were surprised that Edd was taking all of this so well. Ed figured the same trick wouldn't work for him since Thriller doesn't have legs, but Eddy was more curious. "Hey Money, can we do that?" Money's helmeted head manifested itself next to Eddy. "Alas, my lord, though I am not lacking in power, speed is a weakness of mine. You'd be better off running as is, as I may slow you down. However, I have more advice if you'd like to hear it." Eddy sighed and gave a thumbs up. "Though my range of 10 feet is respectable, my power might as well be useless outside of 2 yards. There is a loophole we can take advantage of, though. If I emerge from a piece of money rather than directly at your side, I am capable of maintaining effectiveness even outside 10 feet. My range is still low, but it's more manageable. The caveat being that if I fully remove myself from the currency, I am whisked back to your side, your majesty."

Back to the chase, the Eds spotted something in front of them at high speeds. They had finally caught up to the pig. Ed jumped up and grabbed it, only to make a realization; This was not Wilfred. Oh sure, it had his shape and color, but this was not him. Instead, it was some kind of patchwork Frankenstein's monster. Cloth stitches connected pieces of cloth and fabric, and stuffing was even falling out in some spots. The nose was two empty x-stitches to represent the nostrils, and the eyes were mismatched buttons.

Suddenly, the decoy expanded and the stuffing grew into spike shapes and exploded as the phony fell apart, yielding a loud boom but no flashes or smoke. Edd and Eddy shielded themselves with their hands, but they weren't hit at all. Ed wasn't so lucky. As the others rushed over to Ed, who was lying on the ground, they assessed his condition. His front side was leaking blood from a multitude of puncture wounds, most of which had gone through his clothes. Luckily, Edd had come prepared with a first aid kit, and was tending to Ed's wounds when Rolf instantly appeared over them.

"It appears that Wilfred's Stand has the ability to create patchwork decoys of himself that explode and puncture anyone who puts too much force on the phony, like Gertrude when the egg price is rising." Said Rolf. Eddy looked up at him nervously.

"Rolf, if any damage to the Stand is damage to the user, does that mean…?" Eddy asked hesitantly. Rolf shook his head.

"Not likely. Any Stand that self-destructs to inflict damage is likely not sharing damage with its user. That said, Rolf doubts that it is what is known as an automatic Stand, which are Stands that act independently of the user under the cost of only being able to follow simple instructions. Rolf instead suggests that it is a long-range Stand that simply doesn't share damage with its user." Rolf answered. Ed stood up, covered in bandages. The others looked at Ed.

"You okay, lummox?" Asked Eddy. Ed held up an 'okay' sign with his fingers.

"Right as snow, Eddy. I'm having fun!" Ed said. Rolf flicked his hand back and forth.

"We must think on our feet, Ed-boys. Any ideas on how to capture Wilfred when he can just make a copy of himself that hurts us?" Asked Rolf as they all resumed their chase.

"I have an idea. Since running seems to not trigger the self-destruct sequence, we should either set traps on the ground or aim our attacks for the hooves." Suggested Edd.

"How about this; I noticed that all my money appeared in my wallet earlier, meaning all that Korean Won I got from Hyuck back when I was 12 is in there. If I scatter it on the ground, then all Wilfred has to do is step on it. If the decoy steps on it, it won't trigger the explosion and will instead get sucked in. If we're lucky, Wilfred can only have one decoy at a time, and then we can stop worrying about grabbing a fake and getting injured." Noted Eddy. Edd was surprised, Eddy was never this tactical.

And so, Eddy took out his wallet and started laying bills and coins down on the ground. After a few minutes of running, the forest was littered with money like a minefield. The Eds climbed to the top of a peach tree at the orchard to get a better view, while Rolf went underground so as to have a back-up plan. Eddy and Ed were snacking on some of the peaches from the tree. Edd abstained, knowing that would be theft, but he knew better than to stop the other two.

Then, Eddy spotted it. Wilfred, the real one for sure this time. His eyes weren't buttons and stuffing wasn't falling out of him. He was approaching a peach tree, looking for a snack. However, he had stepped on a 1,000 Won bill. Nothing happened. But then… "Now!" Eddy jumped from his hiding spot, landing on Wilfred. Like quicksand, Wilfred sunk into the bill. Eddy picked it up and looked at it. Where Yi Hwang would normally be was instead a pig with a look of panic.

Eddy was sure he had won. Of course, pigs are just dumb animals. That being said, they absolutely aren't. Pigs are considered one of if not the smartest domesticated animal, and can outsmart a human child. Wilfred is even smarter than the average pig, known for his puzzle-solving abilities and free will. And so, as Eddy held the bill to his face, another decoy emerged from the money. It looked different from the last in terms of specific details, but it was generally the same; a stuffed animal, falling apart at the seams as if from decades of wear and tear. It peeled itself off and hit Eddy in the face. That was enough force to trigger the self-destruct sequence, and Eddy was covered head to toe in puncture wounds. He was flung back at the other Eds, who were running over to help him out, knocking all three to the ground. For reasons foreign to the human mind, Rolf thought that this would be a great moment to nab Wilfred. He instantly appeared in front of the pig, only to be toppled over and land on the ground. Unfortunately, this was a fall he cushioned with his neck.


A few minutes later, the boys were all trying to recuperate and formulate a plan. Rolf held his head in his hand, as he had sprained his neck. After Edd had gotten up, he had examined all of them. He told Rolf that there would be no lasting damage, but he made it very clear to all of them that every one of them would be checking into a hospital after this. First aid can only do so much. Now here they were. Eddy and Ed were filled with puncture wounds, Rolf with a sprained neck and all badly bruised. But to Eddy, the worst injury was to his pride. Ego is a fragile thing, so much so that it can easily be broken by a decoy ghost pig. Sure, he could brag about his injuries when he went back to school in a few days, but being beaten by a stupid animal? He's going to need a different story or he'll never hear the end of it. Just as he was considering calling it quits and heading home, Ed spoke up.

"What if we got rid of all the stuff in the way? A great man didn't once say, at least not in this storyline that 'the shortest route is the detour.' Wilfred is following this by weaving in between trees and spontaneously turning. I'll bet by bippy that if we get rid of the trees, it will be adult's but younger play to detain him, just like they did in 'Baconator: The Reckoning'!" The others looked at him dumbfounded. Ed was making sense, even if all of his nonsense was thrown in.

"I appreciate the idea, Ed, but how are we supposed to get rid of every tree in the forest? Ignoring the fact that you would need superpowers to do such a thing, I doubt I could get away with it. If only I had a way to temporarily imprison all of these trees without damaging them. I wish…. wait. Wait a minute, I think I have an idea." Said Eddy. Edd looked at him funny, wondering how it took him this long to realize an obvious answer, but Ed and Rolf were stuck on every one of his words. Eddy picked up a coin from the ground and flipped it high into the air. It landed on top of the tree. It didn't stop falling as it absorbed the tree into it and landed neatly on the ground. Money's head showed up next to his and spoke.

"Very clever, your majesty! However, you can't move that coin. Since the tree is ingrained in the ground through its routes, you cannot pick up the tree. Lift the coin and the tree comes out. Still, brilliantly done!" Said the knight.

And so, Eddy picked up every coin he could find and flicked it into the air, each one leveling the orchard. There were not enough coins to flatten the entire orchard, of course, so he started also using bills by having money jump and slap them onto the tops of the trees. By the time all of his money was gone, he had taken out an entire acre of trees, and Wilfred was plain as day to see. Or rather, two Wilfred's were plain to see, but without the shade from the trees, the setting sun provided enough light to clearly differentiate the fake from the genuine article. Wilfred came barreling towards them, as did the decoy. The plan that they had come up with was simple; Rolf would trigger the decoy and hide underground before it went off. Meanwhile, the Eds would chase the real Wilfred. If he made more decoys, Rolf would simply repeat his process. The Eds would also chase Wilfred from different directions so that if he made a break for it he would just run into a different Ed. The plan seemed foolproof.

The decoy was within a few yards of the Eds. Rolf appeared and was about to trigger the decoy, but the Eds, all of whom were chasing Wilfred noticed that he was forming another decoy. It manifested itself from his body, and right before it could form the back legs, the existing decoy went off! Rolf was caught completely off guard, and though Goin' Under prevented most of the damage, a single spike punctured his face, right between his eyes and wounded him.

At the same time, the new phony was fully formed and ran at Ed. Before anyone could process what happened, Wilfred made another decoy, detonating the old one and knocking Ed down. He then repeated the process on Edd, who immediately fainted from the injury, and the newest fake was charging Eddy.

Thank god that there was a backup plan. Money came forth in front of Eddy and smashed the decoy's nose as hard as he could. However, the phony self-destructed and Money took every one of those hits, meaning that Eddy took every one of them as well. Was this it? Was this the end? Bleeding out of wounds from a fight with a pig. This is exactly what Wilfred thought that Eddy was thinking. He had finally won his freedom! No more having to act as free labor for Rolf. He could do what he wanted, at long, long last. He had to admit, the Eds and his former master put up one hell of a fight, but they were ultimately no match for him. He wasn't going to finish them off, assuming they survive. After all, they've had it rough. These were the words Wilfred was proudly thinking. Hearing his stomach grumble, he realized that now that he was free, he wouldn't have meals from Rolf. Regardless, the pros far outweigh the cons. As he trotted over to a peach lying on the ground, he admired how quickly Eddy had figured out all the different ways to use his ability.

Wilfred had reached the peach. It wasn't the turkey sausages Rolf had fed him, but a diverse diet is very important. He bit down on the peach, as the sweet juices flowed into his mouth, when….

*chink*

He looked down, in between his teeth was a single 10 Won Korean coin. What was up with that? Unfortunately for Wilfred but fortunately for our heroes, he got his answer. Across the clearing, Eddy was holding his chin up, though still lying with his front on the ground. He spoke, his voice raggedy and harsh.

"I know you're curious, so I'll tell you. After all, it makes victory that much sweeter." Started Eddy. Wilfred was much too surprised to run. Eddy continued.

"Back when we were hanging out in the tree waiting for you to step on the money, I snuck that coin into that peach, hoping you would eat it. It would've been more ideal if you had gone for it before this mess, but this works fine." Wilfred was nervous, but confident. He had heard earlier that a certain force is required to pull something into the money, and his bite was nowhere near strong enough. But Eddy wasn't finished.

"At the last possible moment, I had Money try to block your attack. I would've preferred that to have worked, but this makes me feel all the better. See, your decoy wasn't why I sent out Money. I had him go somewhere else. You'll find out where right…. NOW!" He yelled the final word not as an explanation but as a command. From the side of the coin which Wilfred couldn't see emerged a pair of massive, shiny arms. One reached over and swiftly bonked Wilfred on the head, sending him into the coin. This time, Eddy was prepared and had Money grip the coin in both hands with all his might. Eddy turned to his Stand.

"Money, can Wilfred hear me from inside the coin?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Good. Now listen up!" Eddy said this sternly yet smugly as loud as he could without yelling.

"I give you two paths. The first path is to resist further. Do that, and I'll have money test out his punch strength on you. The other option? I let Rolf put whatever precautions on you so you don't escape, and then you hang out with us sometimes. You do whatever we say, and I will bring no further harm to you. It won't be forever. And you'll still eat and sleep at Rolf's. Of course, since Rolf is your legal owner, I'll leave the rest of your punishment to him. He may be merciful, but get ready for a three-shoe beating, just in case. So, tell me what you want."

After a few seconds, Money turned to Eddy. "You can't hear it, your majesty, but he sounds like he's oinking two." Eddy grinned.


The car ride to Peach Creek General Hospital was surprisingly pleasant. After Waking everyone up, the boys all helped gather up all the money that was lying around and brought the trees back, restoring the orchard to its former glory. They had stopped by Rolf's yard, where Wilfred was deposited in a high security pig pen and had a heavy harness placed around him. Rolf told Wilfred he was forgiven, but he would still be punished. The three-shoe beating is everyone's worst nightmare. Being the least injured of the bunch, Rolf had taken the wheel behind Eddy's car. Eddy was the only one to own a car and not just use his parents' car. This car was originally Eddy's brother's, but with his brother's consent, it was gifted to Eddy when he turned seventeen back in October, along with his room and any other of his possessions.

The Eds and Rolf were all sharing laughs and praise with each other over their first and most recent victory, most of which was directed towards Eddy, who was sucking it up like a sponge. Rolf was disappointed that they didn't find the arrow, but said that after his neck heals, he'll go back to searching.

"Rolf is very pleased, Ed-boys, and owes a debt of gratitude. Rolf is all for Eddy's plan, but wishes to express his feelings even further. After we are out of the hospital, Rolf will invite you to a feast! Any requests?" The Eds all immediately started throwing out ideas of food they would like to see, mostly candies, which Edd was writing down on a notepad. They arrived at the hospital and checked in, trying to avoid questions about the cause of the injuries.


After being discharged on Sunday (the previous events took place a couple days earlier on Friday), Rolf and the Eds had driven home. No Cul-de-sac residents didn't know where they had disappeared to this weekend, and after seeing how each of them had plenty of bandages and gauze wrap, as well as a small neck brace on Rolf, no one asked. The Eds were currently lounging on lawn chairs in Eddy's backyard, under a large umbrella and sipping Lemonade.

"Another plate, please!" Said Ed. Wilfred came out, wearing his harness and balancing a plate of cocktail hot dogs on his back. He set the plate down on a small lawn table and, without even being ordered to, picked up a palm leaf in his mouth and started fanning the Eds. He wasn't planning to make another break for it any time soon.

Eddy held out his lemonade, offering a toast. "To us!"

"To us!"

"To us!"

*clink!*


Stand stats:


Stand Name: Wart Hog

Namesake: Ramones song

Localized name: Feral Hog

Stand User: Wilfred the pig

Destructive power: B

Speed: A

Range: A

Persistence: E

Accuracy: D

Potential: D

This Stand allows Wilfred to make a patchwork decoy from his own body. This Stand is quasi-automatic, since it does have triggers but is ultimately controlled by Wilfred. The decoy is easily distinguishable from Wilfred, but the difference can be hard to see if in limited light or moving fast enough. The Stand will explode if too much force is put on it, leaving puncture wounds but no sign of shrapnel. An existing decoy will also self-destruct if Wilfred creates a new fake. The Stand can move no faster than Wilfred is capable of, which is quite fast.

Fun fact: This Stand's power was directly inspired by its namesake, in which phonies and fakes are dealt heavily with in the lyrics.


For this chapter's reference you won't get any hints! As always, criticism and feedback is always welcome and appreciated in the review section.