A disclaimer: I don't own any characters, from the Harry Potter Series, just the ones I make up.
Harry Potter
Until Always
Chapter 1
Severus' heart, in response to the news of the attack at Godric's Hollow, develops an irregular arrhythmic pattern, propelling the apprehension rapidly coursing through his veins. The feeling of self-loathing reaps deeply within his anxiety-ridden core; it expands so far outward toward his fingers in unyieldingly, visible waves of tremors . His perspiring fist opens then closes in exasperation. He stares, unfocusing, down at the aging stone tiles, at a fixed point just beyond his feet. His jaw flexed, clenching and unclenching as the tears swell behind his lashes.
Severus' tongue rolls around within his mouth; it is so dry and acrid , that it feels as though he has eaten a handful of dusty bitterroots, and they are soaking up all the saliva from his mouth, so much so that not even his tongue can restore the lack of moisture. He braces himself against one of the great pillars within the entryway, which leads to the golden global telescope that resides within Dumbledore's office.
His anger boils up from deep within the cavity of his tightly knotted stomach, oozing out from his pores. The older man before Severus had been someone he trusted to keep the one person that he cared about safe. Silent tears trace lines on the curve of his long hooked nose, dropping off at the end as the desire to lunge at this man before him crawls its way to the surface from the darkening pit of his soul. Going to see Dumbledore to beg for his aid had been a superfluous waste of time.
Severus' breathing grows difficult as his constricting airway strains against the oxygen that he is desperately trying to force back into his extraordinarily resistant lungs. Not once do Severus' black pits lift to meet the blue eyes of the headmaster who stands silent and observing. Not once did the older man offer any sort of verbal sympathy to the devastatingly distraught younger man. He only stands in wait with a sorrowful expression.
"You told me, Dumbledore, that you would keep her safe!" The acrimonious disdain rolls off Severus' tongue with a scornful venom.
The notion that he too is responsible—even in part—for the slaughter that took place within the walls of the safehouse which he, himself, selected for the Potters to reside in, causes Dumbledore's frown to deepen.
Severus squeezes his eyes shut, grits his teeth, and locks his jaw as the elder wizard does not deny this truth. His brain screams that coming to Dumbledore in his desperate attempt to save the one person who had ever been a true friend to him , had all been for naught.
"Severus," Dumbledore speaks woefully as two endless black stones only peer at the tiles with an unseeing gaze. "James and Lily—they—put their trust in the incorrect person, a lot like you."
His words twist the knife deeper into Severus' bleeding chest. By telling the Dark Lord that damnable prophecy— a prophecy that he felt, at the time, held no merit— he, himself, had placed the Dark Lord on her doorstep..
"Her young child survives…" the aging wizard continues knowingly, pulling the younger man from his all-consuming self-accusational thoughts. Dumbledore can see Severus curling in on himself.
The dark-haired man is slowly lowering himself into a crouch as his breathing begins to cripple. "The Dark Lord is no more. The boy won't need protection."
Severus pulls his fingers through his long tangled black hair in frustration,tears leaving faint trails along the hollows of his cheeks. Guilt plagues at the edges of his very soul as it slowly begins to devour him, like a Dementor feeds from people's happy thoughts. His brain eats away at itself as he tries to figure out what he missed and how he could have possibly overlooked it. What else could he have done to stop what had taken place at Godric's Hollow?
Dumbledore has no time for self-loathing. The Dark Lord is not vanquished, he needs to act now if he wants to try to get a step ahead of the snake and Severus may be a key player in the grueling process of bringing him down . The young man is a trusted member of the Death Eater ranks and Severus' cooperation is paramount in the plan he is creating. Once he is done convincing Severus to take the role that he has in mind for him, then he can focus on formulating his plan within its entirety, but to do so, he needs to have access to knowledge that only Severus will be able to provide first hand.
"The boy has her eyes, Severus. The Dark Lord will not be gone forever, he will return, and when that happens, he - they - will be in terrible danger." Dumbledore's voice breaks into Severus' distraught mind, pulling him back to the present conversation.
They? For the first time since entering the Headmaster's office do Severus' black eyes make contact with the headmaster's as Dumbledore's words register within his brain. Severus' pleading gaze holds Dumbledore's and this allows the Headmaster to see the flicker of hope deep down in Severus' withering soul.
Dumbledore speaks, knowingly and gently, to the fraying young man. "His mother, Lily, survived."
Solace floods every cell in Severus' body as he drops his head into his palms in relief. The fraying knot in his stomach that is pulled so tight that it could snap at the slightest tug on the wrong thread finally begins to loosen. He allows his long tangled dark hair to cascade over his face as if to shield his thankfulness from the scrutinizing blue gaze of Albus Dumbledore.
Dumbledore, who snuffs it out as quickly as he ignites it. "Severus, if you genuinely love her... You know what you have to do."
His eyes fix on the headmaster's piercing gaze and he cannot stop his visible flinch. It is as if Dumbledore had struck him across the face with his palm, as the realization of what is becoming his new reality slowly soaks beneath his skin into his veins. The formerly loosening knot in the pit of his stomach suddenly pulls taut.
Severus' voice dances at the very edge of harsh. "Tell no one! No one must know, Dumbledore."
Especially if the young potion's master wants to survive this endeavor. The headmaster frowns at the wizard in front of him and sighs with exasperation.
"You want my word that I will not reveal the best of you, Severus?" After a long pause, he reluctantly agrees. "You, sadly, have it."
Severus releases the air he has been holding in his lungs as he anxiously flexes his fingers; this is going to be difficult. Dumbledore is also very aware of this fact.
He can't help but wonder what Dumbledore expects from him? Did the old wizard really believe that Severus could complete the task that he feels the need to bestow? Not that Severus needs it. However, he cannot stop the tiny seed of doubt from forming within his damaged soul; but he is going to try. He will be damned before he willingly allows that seed to take root; he has every intention of surviving this suicide mission, because in all reality it just might kill him. Dumbledore also knows this. He knew that this man would die if it meant that he could save her life.
This is the least that Severus could do for her, he did not need Dumbledore to bestow him with anything. He would have done it regardless. This is something that he owes her. He is the cause of her life falling into chaotic ruin and he is positive it's something he will not be able to mend, but at least he can do this one thing for her and ensure that all of her needs will be met, even if it all happens under the gaze of her hatred.
It is something he will spend the rest of his life doing. Dying would not be an option. He is the reason the Dark Lord is in her path, but he will do everything in his power to heal some of the damage that has been done to the best of his ability. The agony he feels and will feel for eternity is nothing compared to the anguish he put her through. The suffering she will have to experience for the rest of her life. He deserves to feel this pain, but she does not.
Severus gazes into the intense eyes of Dumbledore as he steels himself to take all of her indignant words and resentments with as much grace as possible. He knows that he deserves all of her ire. Something inside him tells him that Dumbledore knows it too. Severus believes that he and the headmaster are both aware that no matter what Severus does to right his wrongs, it will never be enough to make up for what he has inflicted.
Severus' heart aches at the thought that she could refuse all his attempts to fix his poorly made choices. Not that he could blame her. Even if she did so for the rest of her life, Severus would never give up trying. The question that topples around in his mind is, rather, will he be able to face her, and will he be able to cope with the consequences of his actions when the time comes?
"Severus," Dumbledore can see the battle raging and the doubt rooting within the young man's mind. The headmaster knows that it's time to spur the boy into action before his thoughts consume him. "Can you and Minerva do something for me?"
Severus can see the mischief forming in the old man's eyes. Every inch of his skin tingles with the feeling of warning that the headmaster is up to something. So, with a tone of cautious hesitation, Severus says, "Of course."
Anxiety smolders deep within the crevices of Lily's chest. It oozes from her center outward to her arms and legs, down to her fingertips and toes. Her eyesight refuses to focus as her feet carry herself and her son, Harry, away to some semblance of safety. Her heartbeat echoes within her ears as her blood surges frantically through her veins. Her brain feels so fractured by the days' events that it cannot register where Harry and she have found themselves. Everything in her mind feels distorted and hazy. She had meant to apparate them to Aberforth's house, a building attached to the Hog's Head Inn. This is the Order of the Phoenix's current safe house, but that is not where they ended up.
When her husband, James, told her to take their son and run, she did. Lily abandoned her loving husband, alone, to stand against the vilest wizard the world has ever known, to save their son from his clutches. The desperation in James' voice scorched her very skin as she left him at the non-existent mercy of a monster. She closes her eyes and the echo of an explosion reverberates in her ears. Both were going to haunt her for the rest of her life.
James will meet them at the safe house. He will be alright. Those thoughts play over and over in her panicking mind. How would she and Harry survive without him? James will be there. He has to be at Aberforth's house, he's probably sitting at the Hog's Head bar with Sirius, waiting for them. He promised. He never breaks a promise.
A migraine pulsates within Lily's head as she desperately clings to the warm, screaming child that she holds against her chest. At least he is safe. James' son is safe. That's all that matters. Harry is the only thing she has now that matters, that is until all three of them are reunited. Her son's warmth gives her an inkling of comfort in these trying moments. They had not failed to protect him.
How is James going to find her and Harry if she doesn't even know where they are? Lily can't think clearly, and who knows where the pair will end up if she tries to apparate again. She can feel people's eyes upon her as she stumbles ahead. A few of the muggles showing concern offer to assist mother and son, but Lily cannot knowingly risk their safety. She needs to find someplace to hide quickly. She doesn't even know if it's safe to be out in the open like this. The death eaters had to be on the hunt for them right now, and James must be anxiously waiting for them at the safe house. The Death Eaters could be closing in on them, and she is entirely unaware of it. She needs to find someplace where she could try to pull herself together long enough to get them to her waiting husband.
The fraying edges of the dip in Lily's adrenaline slowly begin to make itself known, noticing the twinge of pain that is slowly consuming and radiating through her shoulder and her ankle as she becomes aware of her lopsided gate. She ignores these physical blights as best as she can while her hold on her distraught child tightens. She continues to trudge through the busy street with abundant desperation. Lily's legs feel like flimsy lead weights as she stumbles around a corner, her pace faltering.
"Lily!"
"Potter!"
Lily sluggishly turns her head, mind reeling in a haze, to the terror-stricken voices calling her name, as the edges of her vision distort and wane. Before she can see who is coming toward them, the fragile ore in her legs deteriorates and gives away . Her child's contorting cries, and the thumping of footsteps coming closer are the last two things her ears can differentiate from the dull sounds of her surroundings. The ever-increasing ringing in her ears intensifies as tiny black bugs begin to crawl across her vision.
The sensation of falling engulfs her as her arms become unwillingly lax. The excruciating pain within her head is devouring her consciousness, and there is nothing this desperate mother can do to keep it at bay any longer. The tension from her child's weight seems to fester the pain within her shoulder as if he is suddenly gaining large amounts of mass in seconds. A cascading ominous green flash of light devours her warping vision as she tightens her hold even more on her screaming child, trying to bring the forefront of her distancing consciousness to him. The distorting-echo of that monster's boisterous-rage resonates in the mother's ears as it devours Lily's world into inescapable darkness.
Severus' outstretched arms coil themselves around Lily before she collides with the pavement. However, he is not fast enough to also lock his arms around her screaming child before he plummets from his mother's embrace. Just as Severus realizes that he is not fast enough to keep the child from finding the pavement, Minerva is already pulling her wand from its hiding place.
As she runs, she points her wand directly out in front of her at Lily's screaming son, completely unabashed about the gazing muggles. "Wingardium Leviosa!"
She only stops running when Harry hovers safely just above the ground thanks to Minerva's quick thinking and disregard for the use of magic in front of Muggles. She knows that people in charge of cleanup will obliviate all of their memories anyway. With a flick of her wand, the boy floats gently over into her arms. She shows no concern for the few spectators gaping at them in sheer panic.
The gasps and stares from the onlookers are not lost on Severus as he can feel their eyes boring into them as many pull out their Muggle devices and others run screaming. Severus lifts Lily into his arms, straightening to his full height hastily and with great care. Her small frame looks and feels alarmingly limp.
The Hogwarts professors try to find a safe place to apparate quickly; they don't want to attract any more unnecessary attention, though Severus is not entirely sure they could. Minerva, however, seems to be unaware of their gazes. Until they get somewhere safe, Severus cannot properly examine their injuries. Many of the Muggles are already eyeing the Hogwarts professors with suspicious horror and they had not witnessed their magic as of yet; it had to be their instincts. Or perhaps it is just the fact that he is holding a clearly unconscious woman and Minerva has a screaming infant.
After what feels like a century, they finally discover a place that is desolate enough to allow them to apparate to the potion master's home on Spinner's End. With a swish of Severus' wand, the warded door unlocks, swinging open to allow them entry. Once they step over the threshold, the squeaky door slams shut and the lock clicks back into place. With a wave of his wand, all the student papers that lay on the worn old settee scatter to their proper location. He carefully lays Lily on her back against the cushions. As Severus begins to check her for injuries, they hear a soft pop from outside by the front door. Professor McGonagall and Severus both grasp their wands firmly, ready for a fight, when they hear a tap on the door.
"Severus, may I come in?" The sound of Albus Dumbledore's voice causes Minerva to sigh in relief.
Severus crosses his living room to go to the door to let him in. Severus follows behind Headmaster as he enters Severus' living room, where Lily lays unmoving on the sofa , and Harry lays sleeping in the transfiguration teacher's arms.
"How are the patients?" he inquires as he leans over, gazing at the now slumbering Harry.
Minerva smiles down at the little boy. "Perfectly healthy, not a scratch on him."
"His mother?" Dumbledore asks as his gaze shifts to Lily.
Severus carefully rolls Lily on her side to expose the lesion on her shoulder. "Other than this, and her ankle, it's only superficial cuts and bruises."
"Yes," he leans a little closer, his brows furrowing together and the apparent unease visibly growing in his shoulders. "This looks concerning."
Severus nods in agreement, "I'll know more about the severity of the wound once we remove her shirt, and I can get a better look. Professor McGonagall if you wouldn't mind?"
She hands the child off to Dumbledore, "Yes, of course."
She moves over to Lily heaving her limp body into a sitting position. She makes sure to allow her former student's body to rest against her own. She reaches down and grasps the bottom of Lily's shirt firmly, stopping to glare at the two oblivious men.
"If you two wouldn't mind. I think Mrs. Potter would like some privacy."
"Right." The potion master stares down at the floor, then back to Dumbledore. "Would you like some tea, Headmaster."
"That sounds delectable, Severus. Thank you."
The younger man anxiously leads Dumbledore into the small kitchen to prepare the tea. Severus suppresses the ever-mounting anxiety that comes with Dumbledore being in his dilapidated home. He turns on the faucet to run water into his mother, Eileen's, old teapot. Placing the kettle on the stove to boil, he turns on the burner. Severus grabs two clean cups from the sink— where he left them that morning to dry— the saucers from the cabinet, and two spoons from a drawer. The younger man carefully places a single teabag in each of the small glass cups as he flexes his fingers nervously.
The feel of the older wizard's gaze on his back makes his muscles tense and his shoulders tighten. Dumbledore comfortably sits in one of the worn chairs at Severus' small kitchen table with the sleeping boy secure in his arms. The teapot whistles as his skin begins to crawl under Dumbledore's scrutiny. Severus cautiously places everything Dumbledore will require on the kitchen table before him. His gaze seeps beneath Severus' skin, a deep thought intensely dancing in Dumbledore's blue eyes.
"Where did you get that beautiful teapot? I think I would quite like one."
Severus responds with a shrug, pouring the hot water into Dumbledore's cup. "It was my mother's."
"She has fine taste in teapots, I must say."
Severus scowls, if only his mother's taste in men; had been as good as her taste in housewares, then maybe... He brushes the rest of the thought away.
"Thank you," Elation echoes in Dumbledore's voice at the sight of the steaming cup. He lets the bag steep for a few moments before removing the bag with his spoon and placing it on the saucer.
"Please, let me know if there is anything you may require while you are here." Severus says as he offers the headmaster milk and sugar.
"Thank you, Severus." Dumbledore graciously accepts.
He smiles at the young man sipping his tea with a content sigh. "There is something I would like to discuss with you, Severus, if you have a moment?"
Severus places the milk on the table in front of him as he reluctantly moves to sit in the chair directly across from Dumbledore. Taking his spoon, he scoops the still steeping bag out of the cup, placing it on the saucer next to it. He pours a little milk in his cup of tea as he calculates how long they have before Minerva calls them back into the living room. When he decides that it will take a decent amount of time for Minerva to ensure that Lily will be ready for them to continue checking her over, Severus reluctantly nods slowly. Something inside Severus told him that he would not like this conversation. "Of course, Headmaster. What would you like to discuss?"
I would like to thank the person who suggested that I write the story in third person. I feel like it makes the story better. I would also like to thank my beta for all her work on this story. I hope you enjoy the change everyone. Please review and have a great day!
