We watched a little TV with my parents and Jake, then headed to my room, with the excuse of turning in early. I was pretty exhausted. The mental strain of fighting for control...it had been a long time since I'd fought Temrash, and I remembered now how-even on the rare occasion he hadn't punished me directly-I'd still suffered the consequences. Mostly, a type of mental exhaustion not unlike how I felt after Liliss gave me control of my body for a few minutes. Resting in my mind for the past hour or so helped, but I half expected Liliss to keep control, both for practicality and as a reminder that while she'd forgiven me for fighting her, she was still the one in charge. It would have been a very empire Yeerk thing to do. But, no. Liliss relinquished control as soon as we were in my room.
(Really?) I asked her, my disbelief evident.
(Yes, really,) she replied, almost playfully. At my hesitation, she gave me a gentle mental nudge. (Go ahead, Tom.)
I shrugged to myself, then opened my dresser and pulled out the first pair of pajamas I saw. I changed into them without much difficulty.
(I'll just take over in the hallway,) Liliss reassured me, as I opened my bedroom door. (You can handle brushing your teeth and all of that on your own. Of course, I can take over if you need me.)
(Right,) I agreed, even nodding a little.
Once in the bathroom, I did manage the necessary bathroom activities on my own. Was I getting better at this? Anyway, Liliss took over again for the very short walk back to my room, and let go once we were inside and she'd closed my door.
(Ready for bed? Or, would you like to try to read for a little while?) Liliss asked.
(I'm too tired to read,) I admitted.
I wasn't much of a reader, anyway, beyond the required school stuff, but I'd enjoyed it on occasion...before.
Liliss must have known my answer, but at least she'd asked.
I climbed into bed, pulling the covers over me, exhausted, and waiting for sleep. Except, after at least ten minutes of just laying there, it was clear that I couldn't sleep.
It wasn't insomnia. I still worried about Jake, and another part of me was still piecing what I knew of Liliss together. Obsessing over it, even. I'd fought her for control, after all. In front of my entire family. Sure, it hadn't resulted in as much as a twitch or a blink, but Temrash had punished me for that kind of thing all the time. Other Yeerks would have as well. Even, I was sure, the ones with voluntary hosts, if their host had been so reckless as to fight them in front of their family.
Except, she hadn't punished me. Hadn't even yelled at me, or warned me never to do that again. Which, in the eyes of the empire, would have been seen as extremely generous, probably bordering on host sympathy.
Especially for an involuntary host like me.
Beyond that, Liliss had actually apologized for making me worry about Jake. Or...whatever it was she'd said. It didn't feel at all like typical Yeerk behavior. If this whole "nice Yeerk" act was just that, wouldn't my fighting her have made her snap? Break the act, if only for a few minutes? Or, even, decide that the gig was up, and she should just treat me like any other defeated host instead of taking the time to act like she was trying to help me?
I felt Liliss' silence in my head, now. She obviously heard my thoughts and my questions, so why wasn't she responding?
That would have angered me six months ago. Of course, she had the ability to hide her thoughts from me.
Now, it just depressed me. It was another way that I was powerless, even if I currently had control over my body.
(Tom,) she murmured.
Liliss' voice was always gentle, always on the quiet side, but now, it felt like a whisper. If she hadn't been in my head, there was no way I would have heard her.
I sighed out loud. (What? You choose now to change your mind about punishing me?)
She gave a mental shudder. It didn't seem forced-it felt instinctive, on her end.
(No. I could never do that to you, Tom,) she answered, firmly, but still...gently.
A part of me felt guilty. Liliss hadn't hurt me, not like Temrash.
Of course, that didn't mean that she wouldn't.
(Why are you doing this?) I demanded, suddenly. (Why are you helping me? Why are you being nice to me?)
If she was helping. If her kind treatment of me was genuine.
I felt Liliss' emotions shift a little. It was weird. Not because I wasn't used to Temrash's varying emotions. Rather, my new Yeerk's usual calm demeanor seemed to give way to this overpowering sense of sadness.
As soon as I sensed this, Liliss made an effort to retain her mental composure. Get control of herself, instead of her host. I was, after all, still in control of my body. Not that this amounted to much except blinking and breathing.
(Well, for starters, I've never been an advocate of the empire,) Liliss began. (Not the new propaganda about how everyone who was worthy would be assigned a host, how it was the greatest thing a Yeerk could hope for. That was, in part, because when I was summoned for training, to infest a Gedd for the first time for fifteen minutes, I hated the experience. I was far from the only one of my siblings and friends, but there were some Yeerks who couldn't wait to experience it again. I was assigned a Gedd, after awhile, who was compliant. They usually are. Then, a Hork-Bajir, but he'd long since given up fighting, and his mind had nearly disappeared. I might have been able to coax him out, had I know, but...) Liliss trailed off.
I gave a mental shudder. Probably, a physical one, too. Even though it probably happened all the time.
Well, maybe not with voluntary hosts.
(Anyway,) Liliss continued, (While, over time, I have come to prefer having a host to not having one, by the time I was promoted to a human, I'd decided that rather go hostless than infest someone who doesn't want me there.)
(Not to point out the obvious, but I don't want you there,) I reminded her, though without much malice.
Liliss gave me a mental nod. (I know. The only reason I am not freeing you is because I know that you would almost certainly be infested again, and with a Yeerk like Temrash, if not worse.)
Probably, yeah.
If she was telling me the truth, this made sense. She'd been dealt a bad hand with me, a hostile but defeated and very involuntary host, which had to stink for someone who only wanted a voluntary one. Liliss couldn't ask to be reassigned so soon after infesting me, though. She wasn't high ranking enough.
Also, if Liliss was telling the truth...
(Plus the whole using my body for more than a few minutes wears me out,) I observed, a little more bitterly than before.
That wasn't her fault.
(Well...yes. That's certainly a factor,) Liliss agreed, softly. (But, Tom, I still believe that this...condition...is temporary. I'm sure you'll be able to maintain control over your body indefinitely within a matter of months.)
Maybe. I found that hard to believe, given where I was now.
Besides...
(What you're saying is, for now, we're stuck with each other,) I allowed.
(You're right,) Liliss agreed. (That doesn't mean that it has to be horrible for you. I want to help you, Tom.)
I inhaled, then exhaled. (I don't see why.)
Liliss gave a mental nod. (Tom, I can feel your pain, and I know that the empire is wrong. Besides,) she added, softly, (I had a host who wanted me, once. I'd like to believe that it can happen again. With you.)
(Yeah, well. It's hard to trust you,) I grumbled. (You could be lying.)
(I could show you my memories,) Liliss offered, without any hesitation.
(No!) I practically growled. (No memories!)
(All right,) Liliss conceded, and I was sure there was weariness in her voice. (Then, you'll just have to accept that a reason to trust me will come over time.)
I rolled my eyes. Again.
Liliss continued her speech. (I have to believe, Tom, that every day you can see that your brother is free and you are able to move on your own, even just for a few minutes, you will come to believe that I want to help you that much more,) Liliss murmured. (You have to know that I can't do much more than that, with what you've given me.)
(I've been through enough memory torture for ten lifetimes,) I pointed out, sharply.
(Yes. I know, honey.) Liliss gave me a mental nod.
(If what you're saying is true...I am probably getting on your nerves a lot,) I realized, turning on my side.
I couldn't apologize, not really. I couldn't control my thoughts. My doubts. My fears.
To my surprise, Liliss laughed.
(Honey, I'm living inside your head. I know all of your thoughts, and your reasoning behind your thoughts. I know what you've been through. I...to use a human term...get you.) She gave a little mental laugh. (It's easy to be patient and understanding, in those circumstances. It's only frustrating because I know how hard it is for you to trust me.)
I ran this over in my mind. It made sense.
(Then, why are other Yeerks such jerks?) I wondered. Okay, half complained.
As Liliss had just told me, she could take it.
(Because they buy into the empire doctrine that the Yeerk is the most superior of all intelligent life forms throughout the galaxy,) Liliss explained, with a mental eye roll. (Once you buy into that, you have to shut off any feelings of compassion towards your host. Or, at least, shove them aside.)
(So, when you decide not to do that...?) I began.
(It's very easy to care for, and care about, your host,) Liliss finished for me, almost smiling. (Not simply keeping them alive, but their happiness, and their overall wellbeing.)
(You mean, change the parasitic relationship into a symbiotic one? By caring and actually listening to what they need?) I asked, almost incredulous.
(That's the general idea.) Liliss gave me a mental smile. (Yeerks don't have to be parasites, and our hosts certainly don't simply need to be...hosts.)
I wondered what it would have been like, had I gotten a Yeerk like Liliss-or how she was claiming to be-instead of Temrash.
I wouldn't have been such a wreck, but would I have believed in the empire? Thought that the Yeerks taking over other humans was okay?
Would I have fought to protect Jake, or figured that he got infested and ended up involuntary, it was because he had refused to cooperate with his Yeerk?
(You would have fought to keep your brother safe,) Liliss murmured. (You care about him more than anyone else in the world.)
Yeah. Probably.
Even then, in this alternate universe, I would have guessed that not all Yeerks were decent.
At least, not after my first trip to the Yeerk Pool.
