On Friday, I came home from an unusually long Sharing meeting, plus a trip to the Yeerk Pool afterwards. Liliss and I were both glad to be done with the Yeerk empire part of my life for the next day and a half. Jake was sitting at the kitchen table, homework sprawled out. I gave him a squeeze on the shoulder and tousled his hair before heading to the kitchen and heating up the dinner Mom had left me, since she knew I usually arrived late on Friday.
Jake looked up from his work, smiled at me, but immediately returned to whatever subject he was working on.
"Need any help?" I asked, after swallowing a mouthful of peas.
He shook his head. "Not yet," he amended. "You going to be down here for awhile?"
I glanced at my bag, knowing I had a lot of work to do that weekend, but in no mood to do anything except relax this evening. "Might watch some TV once I finish this. If you don't mind? I'll keep the volume low."
"That's cool."
He returned to his work, and I returned to my healthy meal. After finishing and rinsing off the dishes, I stretched out on the couch to zone out in front of the TV for another hour or so. I heard Jake pack up his books and walk towards the living room.
"Hey." I gestured towards the TV, turning my gaze towards him. "You want to watch? I can change the channel, if you want."
Jake just shook his head. "I'm pretty tired. Think I'll go to bed."
A yawn escaped me, to the amusement of Liliss. "That's not a bad idea."
Jake waited as I turned off the TV, removed myself from the couch, and then we headed upstairs.
He didn't say anything during this time, which wasn't exactly strange, but it also wasn't your typical Jake.
"Your room?" I clarified, since that's where we'd been sleeping all week.
"Yeah," he nodded. "You can use the bathroom first."
"Cool."
Several minutes later, dressed in PJs (Jake) and a pair of shorts and an oversized T-shirt (me), we headed into bed. Jake pulled away the covers and got himself settled in, but sat, rather than lay down immediately. He also sort of studied me.
"Midget? You okay?"
I wondered, briefly, if he wanted to check to make sure Liliss was still my Yeerk. He'd done that the last time she fed and, of course, we'd agreed.
Jake sat up a little straighter, looking downright uneasy. Even scared.
"C-can we talk? Just us?" he asked me.
(Liliss? You mind?)
(Not at all,) she reassured me.
"Yeah, sure," I answered, reaching for "her" glass of water on the bedside table.
Less than a minute later, Liliss came out of my ear, and I briefly examined my very stretched out Yeerk in my hand before placing her in the water glass we'd assigned solely for her use. Jake stared at her, then at me.
I placed an arm around his shoulder. "What's up?"
"I called a meeting earlier," Jake explained, looking guilty.
Or, at least, uncomfortable.
I wasn't sure why. Wasn't this almost a given, given my change in status from "involuntary Controller" to "willing host of a Peace Movement Yeerk"? Of course, he would want to check in with his friends.
Fellow soldiers.
Still hard to think of my kid brother, my cousin, and their friends like that.
I nodded. "Makes sense. You wanted to see how everyone felt about having a Controller as an ally?"
Jake looked up at me, clearly surprised.
"And to figure out what it would be like with you being that Controller ally," he added, clearly sheepish. "Um, I believe you and Liliss. It's just kind of..."
Oh.
Ohhh.
"Not what you expected?" I asked, gently. Then, on impulse, I added, "Maybe even, kind of a disappointment?"
"I guess." Jake gave a slight nod, and while his face wasn't angry, it was...well, I had a feeling it looked this way right before they all went battle morph to kick Yeerk butt. He took a deep breath. "All this time, I fought to free you, Tom. From..."
He trailed off, watching me.
I nodded, because I understood. "I get it. Me being a host to a Peace Movement Yeerk doesn't totally square with that dream, huh?" I offered, gently, reaching out, giving Jake a hug.
He hugged me tightly, but I couldn't miss his sigh. "Yeah."
"It's not exactly what I expected either, Jake," I admitted, still clinging to him. "Of course, by the time she came along, I thought the only freedom would be in death."
"I know."
Jake let go, and we leaned against the pillows.
Right. Temrash had shown him this.
Of course, the slug had shown him that.
"I don't know if he told you, Midget, but, uh, I tried to kill myself. More than once," I confessed. Pushing ahead, I added, "Even when I got Liliss, it took months before I stopped wanting to die."
Jake frowned, then blinked. "Why?"
"Because I didn't trust her for a really long time. Not really. I was sure it was an elaborate torture scheme," I explained. "Get my hopes up, maybe even get me comfortable with using my body again, and then BAM. Evil Yeerk takes over."
He gave a small nod. "What changed?" he murmured.
I pulled Jake into my arms, then began to rub his shoulders. He let out a deep, almost shuddering, breath.
"Time helped. I could see that she wasn't hurting me, or threatening to. That I could better control my body, and...Besides, she was never even a little unkind to me. I mean, she never even raised her voice! Sure, I guess, the big thing was Aftran, but it was so many little things. Her constant encouragement. Her mental hugs." I punctuated this with a bear hug, which got a laugh from Jake. I let go after a minute, then resumed the massage. Jake let out another deep breath, and I continued to explain as I worked out the tension from his shoulders. "I fought her for control, once. In front of all of you. She actually reassured me that you were safe. Didn't punish me, or threaten to." I moved my hands down, slowly, to just beneath his shoulder-blades. "I guess I realized, finally, that she wasn't going to hurt me. That, as much as I could be, I was safe. With her."
Jake nodded, then turned to me, causing my hands to drop. "I do trust you, Tom. I know that if you trust Liliss..."
I smoothed some hair out of his face. "I get it's going to take you some time to adjust. Hell, Midget, it took me months. Just, talk to me, okay? Don't feel like you need to hide anything," he added, giving his shoulders a squeeze. "Hey!" I added, mock frustrated, "You know you need to stay still for more than five seconds!"
Jake grinned. "Okay, okay. Sorry." He turned away from me, and I began to rub his back again.
We sat like that for a few minutes before Jake spoke up again.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" I frowned, even though he couldn't see me.
"For not telling you about the meeting before," he answered, turning around.
I rolled my eyes. "You told me now. Anyway, like I said, you didn't do anything wrong, Jake. I don't expect you to report to me whenever you have meetings, or whatever you talk about. You can, sure, but you don't have to."
Jake nodded, and I turned him around. He took a long, deep breath. "I guess you should put her back."
"Okay, but you're getting at least another half an hour of a back rub," I retorted. "Or, whenever you or my hands fall asleep. Whichever comes first."
His back moved a little as he laughed. "I'd say that you were babying me, but this feels really good."
It was my turn to chuckle. "This isn't babying, Midget. I'm taking care of you. Being a big brother. We kind of lost a lot of time with that."
Jake nodded. "Yeah," he murmured. "I know."
"So," I continued, "we're going to have to work overtime to make up for it."
Jake let his head fall down. "I can deal with that."
Keeping one hand working on Jake's shoulders (he was still pretty tense), I removed Liliss from the water, placing her to my ear, and as soon as I felt the painkiller, moved my hand back to Jake's back.
"Midget?" I gently worked on a knot just below his upper back. "Just because she's there doesn't mean we can't talk, okay?
He nodded slightly. "Okay."
I felt the familiar pressure as Liliss made the connections to my brain. No loss of control, thankfully.
"Does it still hurt? When she infests you?" Midget wanted to know.
"Kinda. It stings for a second before the painkiller sets in," I explained, soothingly, as I moved my hands in small circles along his shoulder-blades.
A minute later, he asked, "Do you think there's gonna be long term damage with your hearing? With her doing that every three days?"
"Probably not?" I guessed. "No one really knows for sure. The people who have been Controllers for the longest haven't had any problems, yet, so it could be that the painkiller the Yeerk releases when they infest us has the dual purpose of fixing any damage they do to the ear. Which would make sense on an evolutionary level, since hosts have to hear. Personally, I don't think there's been any negative change in my hearing." I shrugged. "We'll have to wait and see."
"If a lot of people started to go deaf all at once, it would be really suspicious," Jake remarked. "Especially if it was just in one ear."
"Yeah, and it would be really hard to kill that number of people without real problems emerging." I made a face which Jake couldn't see. "Honestly, Midget, I don't think that people going deaf would be what does the Yeerk empire in. Oh...she's connected, but it's still me."
"Okay."
Jake went quiet for awhile, minus some sighs and more deep breaths. Then, his breathing became lighter, even. My hands were starting to fall asleep. I pulled him into a hug, then eased my kid brother into a lying down position on the bed.
"Ready for bed?" I asked, probably unnecessarily.
"Yeah, I think so," he mumbled
"I'll tuck you in," I offered, pulling the covers over us. "Keep out the monsters.
"Tom. I'm not a baby," he half grumbled.
"I know that. But you are a midget, and they prey on those," I laughed. "Now, let me tuck you in, before the midget bed bugs eat you."
Keeping Jack in a tight hug, I moved the blankets around us, tucking us in. Okay, maybe I was hugging Jake a little too tightly, because after a few seconds, he protested that he couldn't breathe. Of course, I loosened my grip so that my arms weren't crushing his ribs.
"Thanks. That's better," he mumbled, resting his head against my shoulders.
"I don't know my own strength," I laughed. "Sorry."
"You do lift weights," Jake pointed out, with a yawn.
"Yeah. I could definitely lift you," I smiled, tousling his hair.
Another yawn. "Probably. Marco, definitely."
"Oh, for sure Marco the shrimp!" I chuckled, running a hand over his hair before resuming a bear (but not rib crushing) hug.
"Night, Tom," he yawned.
"Sweet dreams, Midget."
"You too," he managed through another yawn.
That night, Jake had another nightmare. I woke up abruptly to hear yelling, and felt him thrashing under the covers.
"Midget?" I turned on the light, then reached over and pulled him into my arms. "Hey. It's okay," I soothed, holding him against me. "Bad dream, huh?"
Jake blinked, his face confused and then relaxing as he remembered why his brother was holding him.
"Ants," he murmured, shuddering.
I frowned slightly. "The bug?"
"Yeah." Another shudder, and then Jake turned to face me. "We morphed them early on. Not since. It was...awful."
I tried to recall what, if anything, Jake had to me about morphing ants, but my mind drew a blank. Liliss' confusion was evident, so I hadn't forgotten.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" I asked, softly.
"In the dream or in real life?" Jake asked, turning just enough to look at me.
I shrugged. "Whatever you want."
The short version to the real life event was first losing your entire identity (I made a mental note never to feel guilty for killing ants in the future) and then getting torn apart when they encountered ants from an opposing colony.
The dream version involved Yeerks becoming giant ants and trying to hack Jake and his friends to bits. Because it was a dream, they couldn't morph.
"It might have been almost funny if we hadn't been ants before," Jake concluded, managing a small smile, undoubtedly relieved that it was just a dream.
"Oh sure, really funny," I replied with an eye roll.
I hugged him tighter, and Jake let out a small sigh. Letting go, at least of the hug, I wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"Feeling better?"
He nodded, his eyes focusing on mine. "It's just...well, you know that these dreams aren't going away anytime soon. Especially since we're still fighting," Jake pointed out, almost tentatively, looking down at the bed, and then up at me.
I frowned a little, not entirely sure what my brother was getting at. "I know, it's got to be rough."
"And," Jake continued, "I mean, if I wake you up every time I have one..."
"You mean you want me to stop sleeping next to you?" I asked, carefully.
I couldn't see this doing any good, for either of us, but I wasn't going to force Jake to sleep next to me after all. Not if he felt weird about it.
Jake didn't look up from the covers. "I mean...what do you want, Tom?"
I pulled him into another bear hug, resulting in a laugh and, then, a murmur of contentment.
After we let go, I placed my arms on his shoulders so he was looking me in the eyes. "What I've wanted since I heard you were roped into this war. To help you through this. To be there for you, Midget."
"You sure?" Jake pressed.
"Positive." I ran a hand through his year. "Even if you have cold feet and snore!" I added, teasingly.
"That's not true!" Jake protested, looking positively affronted.
"Yeah, it is," I replied, matter of factly.
He glared at me, then stopped as I turned him around, placed my hands on his shoulders, and began kneading.
Jake sighed, again, but it was a contented one. "That's really not fair," he half grumbled, half laughed.
"Oh, it's totally fair, Midget," I replied, grinning, still kneading.
He went quiet for a minute.
"Maybe," he finally relented.
Neither of us spoke for awhile. Jake's body slowly slumped forward until he practically falling onto the covers.
I gently tucked us back into bed.
"Sweet dreams," I whispered, wrapping him into a secure hug.
"You too," he mumbled.
I watched as Jake's breathing slowed down, not wanting to be the first to fall back asleep. Sure, like he'd told me before, he rarely had more than one bad dream in the same night.
Still.
(You're being very paternal,) Liliss reflected. (Very caring.)
(Yeah, well, I've always been Jake's big brother. Watching out for him,) I pointed out.
(Yes,) Liliss allowed, (but it's more than that, now.)
I frowned. (How so?)
(He's fighting in a war, a secret war, and unlike most soldiers, he can't exactly write home to tell his family what he's facing. Your parents are there, as in physically present, but the risk of them someday becoming infested, however remote, negates any benefit of confiding in them,) Liliss explained. (You already know this, of course, or you would have suggested telling them.)
(Obviously. It's not a risk we can take. Even if they're not in danger now, if the war becomes an open one or the Yeerks decide to target my parents-) I began, anger rising.
(I know, I know,) Liliss soothed, slowing down my heart rate.
(Thanks. Sorry. I didn't mean to accuse you,) I apologized.
(I know,) she repeated, gently. (Would you like a mental hug?)
(Not right now. Explain to me how this fits in with me taking on a-what'd you call it? A paternal role?) I pressed.
(He looks up to you, honey, and you are taking on the rather enormous task of taking care of him. Oh,) she added, quickly, (you're past the point where he needs his diapers changed-)
(Thank God,) I interjected.
She smiled. (But you're still taking on the role that would belong to your parents, if they knew.)
(I'm kind of a surrogate dad?) I asked, frowning.
(More of a big brother/father combination,) Liliss offered.
I could see this. After all, I had been giving Jake a lot more hugs over the past week than I would have in the span of a month before the war. Part of it was to make up for lost time, but I knew that they were helping him.
Me, as well.
On the other hand...
(I'm not going to start grounding him if he gets bad grades, or check to make sure he does his homework,) I said, firmly.
(No, and you shouldn't. That would not help the brother part of your relationship,) Liliss answered, reassuringly.
(Okay, good. So, I just get to do the good stuff? Hugs, talking, maybe helping him plan out...what do they call them? Missions?) I tried to remember.
(Yes, missions.) Liliss smiled at me. (Your role might eventually extend to the others. Particularly Rachel.)
Rachel had a lot on her plate as well, with being the oldest of three, and helping out her mom. Their parents had got divorced awhile back. Jake had told me that her dad even offered her to come live with him, but she'd said no.
That had to be rough. At least, even if Mom and Dad couldn't know, they were together. They even went out on dates, which was as weird as it was cute. I mean, they were almost forty, which was old.
(Ancient,) my Yeerk teased, reading my thoughts.
(Yeah, yeah. To us, that's ancient,) I grinned.
Liliss laughed, and I could hear Midget snoring next to me.
(I guess I can handle being a temporary dad,) I decided.
(You certainly can,) Liliss answered, gently.
(Guess it's safe to go to sleep,) I mumbled, yawning.
(Sweet dreams, Tom.)
(Good night,) I answered, pulling Jake closer to me. (I'm ready for the mental hug, if the offer's still on the table.)
It was. I fell asleep to being held, safe and warm, by my Yeerk.
The End
A/N:
As I mentioned before, I'm leaning towards making this a series, without covering all of the Animorphs books. In fact, I might skip some of the books I had previously written (31 comes to mind) in lieu of others. We'll have to see what happens!
In the meantime, if you could take a minute and leave feedback, I would greatly appreciate it.
