Once Dad realized that Lori hadn't made it, his overwhelming grief took on a tinge of rage. Possessed with the need to do SOMETHING, I watched helplessly as he grabbed his axe and moved purposely back inside the prison. My own grief, and that of my family, gripped my heart and made my chest ache.
Hershel, sensing that I needed some kind of reassurance, asked to give the baby her first check up. I was reluctant to hand her over. He smiled reassuringly at me, and took her gently from my arms. After a brief, but thorough examination, he handed her back to me and I felt myself sigh. She felt so tiny, so precious and I knew I had a new reason to live.
Hershel told our remaining group that she was healthy, but wouldn't stay that way. "She needs formula. And soon, or she won't survive." I felt the tears burn my eyes again, and then felt Daryl come closer to me, looking down at her in my arms.
"Nope. No way." He gritted out, seeing my eyes flush with tears. "We ain't losing nobody else. I'm going for a run."
Maggie was quick to agree. "I'll back you up."
"I'll go too," Glenn offered. I felt another clench of my heart. These people, not my blood, but still my family were willing to do anything to save my baby sister.
I looked up at Daryl and smiled through my pain. His hand came up to cup my cheek and I closed my eyes at the comforting gesture. It was finally decided that only Daryl and Maggie needed to go. Since I was going to be occupied with the baby, Glenn would try to find Dad and see if some kind of sense could be talked into him. He hadn't even held the baby or acknowledged her yet.
After Daryl and Maggie leave, I sit down at a table and hold the baby as Carl drops next to me. "Want to hold her?" I ask him, smiling at how he's looking at her. He gulps, but nods. I carefully hand him to her, showing him how to cradle her head. I smile at him, watching as he studies her. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
Carl looked into my eyes and smiled. The pain is still there, but so is something I can truly understand. Devotion. To our little sister. To our family. "She's perfect." He whispers, watching her make sucking motions with her mouth.
I watch as Glenn and Hershel walk past with shovels. The two remaining prisoners, seemingly uncertain stand nearby. "How many?" I ask, quietly, but loudly enough for Glenn to hear.
"A third of our group in one day." Glenn answers, and I am terrified to ask who.
Hershel, a man who rarely curses, gives his own input. "Because of one asshole."
They walk further away, and I watch them begin to dig the graves of our fallen. I sigh, feeling more pain than I care to. I take in the remaining members of our group, and my stomach flips. Carol isn't here. Neither is T-Dog. And Lori, of course. I feel a sob building, but won't allow it to surface. Enough tears, Jessi, enough. It won't bring them back. It won't help feed the baby. It won't do any fucking good at all.
HOURS LATER~
Glenn, after digging the graves for the dead, went looking for Dad. When he came back, alone, he could barely meet my eyes. I sighed, knowing that could mean nothing good. I asked, quietly while letting the baby be held by Beth, if Dad was still alive.
Glenn nodded, but he still didn't look relieved. "It's bad, Jessi. He's not taking it very well."
I squeezed his arm, thanking him for trying. Walking back to Beth, I reached for my baby sister. Finding as much comfort in her as she did in me. I heard Daryl and Maggie come back, and then Daryl was holding a bottle filled with formula out to me. I shook my head and he gave me a grin. Taking the baby from me, he gently cradled her and offered her the bottle.
"She got a name yet?" He asked me, smiling as he watched her suck at the bottle he'd provided.
Carl answered. "Not yet. But I was thinking maybe Sofia." I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "Then there's Carol, too. And… Andrea. Amy. Jacqui. Patricia. Or...Lori...I don't know." My cheeks were damp from the knowledge that we'd lost so many. Enough to name far too many babies.
Daryl had been watching me while Carl gave the options. He turned his attention to the baby who was sucking greedily from the prepared bottle. "Yeah… You like that?" He was being so soft with her, finally showing the rest of our group just how perfect he really was. "Huh? Lil Asskicker." The group chuckled and he looked up with a small smile. "Right? That's a good name, right?" He focused back on the baby, talking to her softly. "Lil Asskicker. You like that, huh? You like that, sweetheart?"
I'd only considered having a family with Daryl once. After that, the world and it's bullshit took over. But watching him hold my baby sister, talking to her softly, and seeing just how wonderful he'd be at being a dad, I felt the hope take hold. One day, I promised myself, he'd have his own baby. With me. And I'd watch this scene play out differently.
The next morning, after waking up with the baby, feeding, and changing her, I watched as Daryl took her into his arms. He was a natural. And just like the night before, I wanted so badly to give him a family of our own.
"You're starin'." He whispered, taking a break from telling the baby how sweet and pretty she was. I smiled and moved closer to him, looking down at her and leaning my head on his shoulder.
"I was thinking about how much I want to give you this." I answered quietly, reaching out to touch her soft head. "You're amazing with her." I felt his lips brush the top of my head. Tilting my head back, I offered my lips to him. He smiled and brushed mine with his.
"I'd love it." He said, pressing his forehead to mine. "Love to have a baby with ya."
And as though we could guess the other's thoughts, we both said, "just not right now." I giggled and he gave a chuckle. "One day," I promised and his eyes darkened, either from the idea of making that baby, or the image of our family, I couldn't decide.
The others were up and about soon enough. And then, surprising us all, Dad came into the room. He wanted to check on us, but he looked horrible. I felt fear clutch my heart as he took the baby and smiled down at her. He looked like a shell of his former self. He made sure that Carl and I were alright. We discussed her name, and Carl remembered the name of his favorite teacher. Judith. I nodded my agreement. While naming her for one of our lost, giving her a name untinged by that sorrow was a better option. And so, Judith Grimes, joined our family officially.
