Hershel, as I sit alone dealing with my pain and cradling Judith while feeding her a bottle, tries to break it to Dad that we have newcomers. Dad, confronting the new group, tells him he doesn't want nor need the responsibility. Their leader tries to convince him that they'd carry their own weight, but then, out of the blue when I think Hershel was beginning to think Dad had made a different choice, I witness Dad go rigid. He's not looking at the group, or even at any place that holds a human. Staring up at the walkway above us, he starts yelling. Asking "what do you want from me?" and telling this imaginary terror that he "Can't help you." and "Get out!"
Glenn, seeing that I'm broken, that our newcomers are getting freaked out, takes it upon himself to hussle them outside. I'm thankful, as I watch Dad pace the common room frantically.
The next day dawns with the strangers gone. Glenn, learning from Carl that they had found a way into the prison that no one witnessed, recruits him to help him reinforce the prison. When they return, I have to say I didn't notice how long they'd been gone, they give us more great news. The boiler room, where Mom died, was overrun with walkers once more. Hershel wants us to retreat, but where? So Glenn, showing more leadership than I'd ever noticed from him, takes Maggie so they can attempt to find the breach that brought the group into our 'safe place' as well as the walkers.
It could have been hours later, or it could have been minutes, but Hershel comes to me to let me know that Glenn has driven off in a rage. Dad had wandered off into the forest, reiterated by Michonne, who mentions to me that she witnessed him having an intense conversation with no one. Hershel admits that Dad mentioned seeing Mom, and that Dad feels it means something. I think, sure, it means he's lost his fucking mind.
Then, in another blink, I learn that Axel is dead. And before I can think, we're fully under attack. I'm numb, not the same numb I felt when I took care of Sofia, but numb so all I can focus on is keeping Judith safe. I leave the fighting to the others. I leave it to everyone else, because Judith and Carl are all that I can care about, even Dad seems far from me now.
When Daryl returns with Merle, I unthaw, barely. I don't understand. Anything. And I fear that I won't ever get the full story.
I do know this, when the dust settles, when the walkers are contained to the outer fence and The Governor and his minions are gone, this isn't over. Not by a long shot. This was just the initial offensive.
As they regrouped, I felt more removed from the others. I hadn't contributed, and I didn't regret it, but I didn't feel a part of the entire situation. Daryl wrapped his arms around me and Judith, as I vaguely listened to Hershel calling again for a retreat. And in the back of my mind, I wondered, again where? Merle shocked me, his new hand, his almost compliance to being detained. He told us that The Governor, his master (former or current I didn't know) had the firepower and manpower to kill us all. On that cheerful thought, I begged off and went to the cell that I'd taken against Daryl's insistence that he'd prefer the perch. I was not, then nor now, going to be intimate with him somewhere that fucking open.
I listened as Hershel boomed, at my dad I realized that he'd "said this wasn't a democracy. Now you need to own up to that. And do something!"
I heard a familiar pattern of my brother's stomping run and knew he'd chased after our father.
Daryl didn't join me. I sat holding Judith, thankful when Beth brought me a bottle for her, and waited. I was certain that plans were being made. I was certain that preparations were being made. I was also certain that I was no use to any of it. I heard an argument break out over Merle, sides were taken, and Hershel surprised me again by giving Merle his backing.
Eventually Daryl came to find me. He watched from the doorway as I smiled down at Judith in my arms, rocking her and feeling like she was the only thing anchoring me to the earth for now. When I look up, seeing him almost too relaxed given the situation that brought us here, I try to smile.
"I'm glad you came back to me." I scootch over, giving him room to sit beside us. "What happened?"
Daryl Dixon, who has made eye contact with me since the day we met, wouldn't meet my eyes. He focused on Judith. He looked at the edge of my shoulder. Anywhere, but my eyes. He muttered getting separated from Dad and the others, and that it didn't matter, since he was with me now.
"I'm happy you have Merle back," I offered, giving him Judith to hold for a bit. "It's just, he's not always the best person for you." I bit my lip, watching him cradle my sister. "Please, Daryl, don't let him bring you down."
He kissed me, telling me things that I couldn't hope to decipher in the kiss. Except his love, of course, that was loud and clear.
And then, because life wasn't fucked up and all around batshit enough-Andrea showed up.
Apparently, Dad failed to mention quite a bit about their time in Woodbury. For instance, Andrea is alive. And shacked up with The Governor. And Michonne and her are besties. And, now I'm wondering what else he left out of their field trip.
Andrea, winning the award for worst taste in men ever, swears she's on our side. Sure, I think, holding Judith tighter than necessary especially when her eyes lock on my sister's existence. She swears that The Governor, Philip she calls him, wants to negotiate. She turns her doe eyes on Dad, begging him to consider. Dear God, I think, turning away and taking Judith far from this scene, I hope that Dad isn't completely addled and agrees with her.
Dad, trying to broker peace with Andrea, with Carol's backing, takes Judith to allow the witch to hold her. Using my sister to try to get this woman to kill her new boyfriend, sure ok. That's absolutely going to work. And while she's at it, maybe she can find a cure for whatever that causes people to go rabid after death. I'm sure that's just as fucking likely.
And then, my ever gracious father gives her a car to drive back to the enemy.
That night, as Daryl holds me, Beth gives us another acapella concert. As she sings, Dad gestures for Daryl and Hershel to join him. I give them space, still not wanting a part in any of it, feeling that too much is being kept from me to matter. And rocking Judith, I decide that at some point, I won't care about much at all.
Dad decides that he's going on a run back to our former home. As in where he, Mom, me, and Carl lived prior to the unholy hell we currently live in. He picks Michonne and Carl to accompany him, still having issues meeting my eyes. It's for weapons, he says. To stockpile against an onslaught that Merle keeps warning us about.
I go about my business at the prison. Feeling that Daryl and Merle need some brother-time. Feeling that the others need their own space. Mostly just needing some alone time. I gave Judith to Beth and Carol, and walked to a lonely spot, away from everyone, and sat with my thoughts.
Dad couldn't look at me. Daryl was having similar issues, going so far as to sleep in the perch by himself, after all. Judith, this tiny being that was reliant on me for everything now, was becoming the symbol of hope for the group. And here I was, feeling like alone was where I was going to be stuck.
"I can't believe he finally made a move on you." I heard Merle's voice say, from below where I'd found a quiet spot. "Thought for sure you'd end up with someone else before he'd man up."
I rolled my eyes, and looked down at Daryl's brother. "Maybe he didn't make the move, ever think of that, smartass?" He chuckled and climbed up beside me. "Truth was, we moved together."
Merle settled beside me. "I'm glad, however it happened, that it did." He was looking out across the horizon that I'd been studying. "He deserves it, you."
"I know." I answered, feeling my chest tighten at the thought that he was keeping things from me.
"It was because of me." He said, causing me to glance at his profile. "The reason he didn't come back with the others. Your daddy made him choose, and he stayed with me."
I felt a tear fall. Ah, Merle over me. "I see."
He shook his head, glancing over at me. "I don't think you do. It wasn't cause he gave up on you, how the hell do you think we ended up back here?" He reached over with his real hand and brushed my tears away. "Hell, I thought he'd toss my ass in a river to get back to you."
I tried to smile, but I couldn't believe that Dad and Daryl, the two who had made so much progress had argued to the point that this had to happen. "I'm sorry about Dad." It was weak, but it covered so much. "He's-" I didn't know how to finish that. He's distraught over Mom. He was unnerved by the world he woke up in that he didn't know to show you more humanity and left you behind on a roof. He hasn't been himself, not really, for some time now.
"Don't be." He brushed it off and refocused on the horizon. "My brother needs you. That's all that matters."
We went down not long after our heartfelt chat. Daryl was waiting, Judith in his arms, when I went inside. He finally met my eyes, and I nodded. I understood, sort of. He pulled me to him, shifting Judith so he could hold the two of us.
"I'd rather die than be away from ya, Jessi." My heart clenched in pain at the mere thought. "But he's my brother, and Rick was being-"
I shushed him. One day, hopefully soon, the three of us would have to sit down and discuss it. But for now, with Dad being away, I shelved it. For now, I'd take what I had and enjoy it. Even if it felt like it was all on borrowed time.
