I felt like I could breathe easier only when Dad, Daryl, and Hershel returned. The fear was still heavy, and it wasn't lessened when Dad informed us that we were, essentially at war now. Daryl told me later that he'd learned as much from one of the Governor's henchmen. That the meeting was for show, but in the end, it wouldn't be worth shit.

I watch Dad as he takes Hershel aside, and wonder if he'll ever be safe to mourn Lori. If we'll all ever have an actual breather to just BE, instead of constantly having to fight and push.

It doesn't surprise me when he takes Daryl and I aside later on. He wanted to share a caveat that the Governor offered him. Hand Michonne over and they'd be left alone. I share only a brief look with Daryl, my mind on Carl's growing attachment to her. I shake my head and Daryl agrees with me, "It's just ain't us, man." His arm is around my shoulders, holding me against his side as we look at my dad's face. I'm not certain we've convinced him that handing her over is a bad idea. He'd do almost anything for a peaceful solution.

Later, I stand guard in a tower as Daryl and Michonne work together with Glenn and Beth to lay spike strips at the prison gate. When they come closer, I ask what's the plan, and she grins up at me. She tells me that we don't necessarily have to beat them, we just have to make it a pain in the ass to get inside. I chuckle and can see why Carl likes her so much. Fierce, yes, but also clever. A great addition to our little group.

When I walk back inside after guard duty, I can see Carol and Merle facing off. Moving closer, in case I have to once again step between Merle and another fight, I overhear her tell him to pick a side already.

"I'm only here for my brother," Merle growls, still feeling about as welcome as a fucking boil.

Carol snapped back, "Yeah, well he's with us."

Merle smirks and answers, "No, he's with Jessi."

Dear God, I think, he truly doesn't get it. Why Daryl sticks with us, all of us. He thinks that Daryl is just staying because we're together. Shaking my head, I wait until they part, Carol going to check on my baby sister.

"You know that's not true, right?" I ask when we're alone. "He's not just here for me."

Merle gives a snort of disbelief. "Really?" He raises an eyebrow. "He wouldn't even consider running off with me, girl. The only words out of his lips, aside from arguing about which way was the right one, was your damn name and how he had to get back to ya."

I shook my head. "He loves me, sure, and I love him. But this group, we count on one another, Merle. And your brother is one of the most important people here. Trust me, he's not just here for me." Before he could argue, I walked away.

As the Greene family holds hands praying, my eyes meet Dad's. I can see his uncertainty over the deal the Governor offered, but I also see something else. He's seen her again, I can tell. He's seen Lori.

Dad and Daryl take a moment to themselves as I take Judith for a bit of a walk outside. I've barely stepped into the prison yard, when I hear the two of them calling to me. Looking over my shoulder at them, I see a look of panic. What now?

"Merle and Michonne aren't here." Dad offers, showing a guilt that I didn't expect. "He- we- there was a moment-"

I close my eyes. Of course Dad would go to Merle. Of course. And Merle, always willing to go with the WRONG fucking plan jumped to it. Opening my eyes, I waited for more fucking bad news. Daryl touches my cheek, refocusing my attention to him. "I gotta track 'em." Sure, right, absolutely. "Find 'em before Merle does something stupid."

Something stupid that my dad condoned and plotted with him to do. Why not? Another fucking goodbye. Another day spent in fear and worry. Clearly that was going to be my constant state from here on out. Using Judith as armor so I wouldn't have time to fucking deal with the fear and worry, that would be my only course of pain control. Shaking my head, I turned away from both of them and walked my baby sister around the yard, not welcoming either of them to join me or to follow.

I miss a great deal during the following hours. I don't realize that Glenn 'married' Maggie. I don't notice Dad announcing he's finished being supreme ruler of our group. I don't vote for war or peace. I don't even notice when Michonne comes back alone. I have done what I promised myself. I have thrown myself fully into the care of Judith. I won't watch Carl to see if the harshness in his eyes has grown. I won't watch Dad to see if his sanity is on the fritz. I won't watch and wait and pray. Not now. Not anymore.

I'm bouncing Judith on my hip and making her a bottle when I feel Dad come up behind me. "Let me take her for a while," he offers, his voice low. "You need a break."

I shake my head, keeping her in my arms. "No, I don't." I manage, popping the bottle nipple in her mouth and kissing her forehead. "This is my focus now, Dad. Her. That's it." I don't look up at him. I don't want to see whatever emotions cross his face. "You and Daryl can save the fucking world from here on out. I'll do the old fashioned kitchen baby shit."

I walk away, not feeling like dealing with anything other than formula, diapers, and cribs. The rest of the world is madness, but Judith won't know of it, not for now. Not on my fucking watch.

I've managed to go to sleep, a troubled nap while Judith has her own more peaceful version. I can feel Daryl's body press into mine as he climbs into the sparse bed of a cell I've claimed. I add his presence to my dream, until I feel the dampness of his face press into the curve of my neck. Tears? What the hell?

I roll over, letting his arms stay locked around me and search his face. I know that pain. That grief that looks like it's swallowing him whole. Merle's dead. Gone. His face shows that he has no blood family left, and he doesn't have to say it, doesn't have to tell me what he was forced to do. I know, because it's what Carl was forced to do. What Andrea had to do.

I pull his head to my shoulder and hold him as he lets it out. The pain. The grief. The anger. I want him to have the time to process, but that just isn't the world we live in anymore. So instead, I give him this, the peace of me holding him while he gets as much as he can out. He'll want to have a stronger look on his face when he really sits down with the others, and I give him that time to be able to force it.

"I love you." I whisper, kissing his hair. "I love you and I know it doesn't make it better, but I do."

I feel him calming. The tears slowing, and then, when he's collected himself a bit, he pulls away and looks into my eyes. "It does make it better." He tries to smile, but he's in so much pain that it's fleeting. "I love ya. And that makes it easier, somehow."

When Daryl goes to talk to Dad and the others, he learns everything that I ignored. He returns and is astonished that I didn't bother to keep informed. When I shrug, he pulls me to him and kisses me. "Ya can't give up, Jessi." His voice is fierce. "Ya can't, cause then what do I got left?"

"I haven't given up," I correct. "I'm just refocusing my efforts to other shit." At that Judith starts to fret. Standing I go to her and get her out of the crib, she needs a diaper change, so I do that, redressing her and holding her against my chest. "She doesn't need any of this bullshit, and she won't have to know about it for a good long time." My voracity matches his.

"Glenn and Maggie are married now." He whispers and I raise an eyebrow. Interesting. "Your dad don't wanna be leader in the absolute sense." I shrug. "And we've got a plan."

I sigh. "What's my part to play?"

I only return to the group after Daryl fills me in. I offer a smile of congratulation to the newlyweds, I nod at the others, and I sit with Judith on my lap as they make preparations for war. I find myself nearly screaming when Carol tries to offer some kind of fucked up in memorial of Merle, by admitting that he gave them better odds. I shoot a look at Daryl, but he's barely listening. Thank fucking God, I think, because reminding his fucking brother that he at least did something good in his life, by Carol's standards wasn't exactly appropriate in my mind.

Dad's plan, in between visits from Mom, is pretty simple. Pack all our shit up in the vehicles, just in case. There are a multitude of "in cases" but the two main ones are: in case we're being watched, which has a good likelihood of being correct, and of course, just in case we have to flee. Michonne, I'm happy to see, has been accepted finally by Dad. I sense a tension between Dad and Carl, and feel a flash of curiosity about the source, but then Judith's hand wraps in a loose strand of my hair and tugs, trying to get free.

Our preparations are finished quicker than I expected. My part of the plan is simple and safe. Judith and I are to take a walk to a vehicle that's hidden full of supplies we'll need during the attack. A walkie is with me, so Dad or Daryl can let me know if I have to beat a hasty retreat or to tell me it's safe to come back through a code that will let me know if they're only contacting me under distress.

The walk makes sense. I take her out almost daily, careful of the route, even if I rarely leave the gates. Anyone watching won't bother with us, and if they do, I have more than one way to stop them from harming us. The rest of the plan is ambush. Make the prison seem deserted and then attack. Like trapped animals, they'll be slaughtered, but at this point it's the only way.

I leave when I'm told to. Walking as though Judith and I are just enjoying the sunshine. That we have nothing more in mind than a casual stroll. I reach the hidden car without issue, sidestepping walkers easily, and keeping Judith quiet. I lay her down on the passenger's seat, happy to see whomever stocked the car put everything within reach so I don't have to get out. Getting in, shutting the door and setting the locks on all the doors, I wait.

I can hear gunfire in the distance. Yelling, gunfire, and some other noises that I don't want to consider. Picking up Judith, I push the seat back so we can sit comfortably while we wait for it to end. One way or the other, it has to end.

The walkie comes alive and my hand shakes as I lift it. Dad, it's Dad's voice telling me that they're going after the Governor. He fled, with some of his followers, and so the fight has to continue on the road. I don't have to ask who "they" are. Daryl will go, of course, and anyone else who wants to. But definitely Daryl. Another parting, another worry that I won't get to say goodbye. Maggie and Glenn are staying behind to stand guard, he lets me know, and I know he wants Judith and I to return. To be safe within the walls of the prison that is now our home.

Inside the prison is a mood of jubilant victory, tempered only by the wait to see if Daryl, Dad, and Michonne are successful. I learned that I wasn't the only one to sit the fight out. Hershel and Beth were waiting in the woods with Carl to defend them. My mind hadn't been on anything except my part, and I am happy to see that we came through unscathed, so far.

Unscathed, but seeing Hershel shooting a look in Carl's direction, I realize something troubling must have happened. Dad returns, with Andrea's body in tow and a bus filled with Woodbury survivors, including Tyrese and Sasha, the two that Carl had found and Dad had pushed out. Hershel and Beth welcome our new members, and I see the hatred and anger on my baby brother's face as he confronts our dad about welcoming them into our home.

Moving forward with Judith still in my arms, I try to get between them. Carl looks deadly, but he's still my baby brother, so I hand Judith to Dad and pull him away. "What's going on with you?" I ask, away from the others, away from Dad. "This isn't you, Carl. This anger. This hate."

His blue eyes, looking incredibly like Dad's, are flashing at me as his fists clench. "They tried to KILL us, Jessi. They all were a part of it, so why give them a chance?" I feel my heart clench. My little brother, so hardened by this new fucking world that he'd rather line up survivors and kill them all then consider they made a bad choice.

"No, they didn't." I whisper, reminding him that these people, the ones mingling in our group, stayed back. "You can't just kill everyone, Carl."

He walks away from me without another word.