In the dead of the night, Eren's mind became pregnant with an idea. With the sounds of the hospital all around him, the sounds of life and death themselves, he birthed a brain-child that laughed and played and ran around in his mind, keeping him awake.
By mid-morning, he was left with a blinding headache and a throbbing stump, so he took a sugar pill from one of the pretty nurses and sat down on a bench outside, waiting for the Placebo effect to work.
"Mister Kruger!" Falco wore a slightly puzzled smile as if he didn't know how he ended up at the hospital, nor why he was so happy about it.
"Falco," Eren said. "You're filthy." An understatement. The boy was absolutely filthy, like he had spent the whole day digging trenches. A trail of dirt followed him like cookie crumbs on the cobblestone.
"I spent the whole day digging trenches. And anyways… you are too!" Falco plopped himself down on the bench and Eren's headache spiked from a ten to an eleven when Falco said, "Mister Kruger, I have something really, really important to ask you."
"Okay," Eren sighed with dreadful self-sacrifice and braced himself on his crutch. "I'm ready."
"Have you ever been in love?"
"I…" Eren realized too late that he had taken too long to answer. "I loved my left leg once," he finished lamely.
"You're blushing! Where does she live? Was one of those letters to her? Do you have a photograph of her? I keep a photograph of Gabi in my pocket whenever I go on a mission. I dropped in it a puddle once, so it's kinda muddy but-"
"Falco," Eren said. "I don't have an answer for you right now-" Falco wilted in his oversized boots. "-but I will have one tomorrow, hopefully." Falco perked up merrily and his face lit up like a carnival; he was already daydreaming of dear old Mister Kruger's lover. Who could she possibly be?
Falco tugged shyly on his armband. "Mister Kruger… I actually had two questions I wanted to ask you."
"Two?" Eren said incredulously.
"Yes!"
"Okay." Eren felt his headache suddenly explode. Stars fell down the stairs in his good eye. "I'm ready."
"Have you ever wanted to make babies with someone?"
"…"
"Now you're really blushing! Don't worry, Mister Kruger, my mother told me how it works already."
Falco turned to him with some curiosity. "Don't you know?"
Eren could only shake his head.
"Storks!" Falco said.
"Ah. Storks."
"When two people are in love, they make a wish, and the wish floats out the window and across the sea and reaches the Island of the Storks- kind of like Paradise island, except, y'know, without the devils- and the wish reaches a stork that looks like the child that the mother and father wished for, and that stork transforms into a baby! Like-like a-"
"Like a titan."
"Er… I was going to say a butterfly."
"Oh. I've never heard that version of the story before."
They sat for a bit and it became later in the day. An early autumn chased the leaves from the trees around the hospital and sent them scurrying across the lawn. Eren got the feeling that Falco was resisting the urge to chase after them.
And then Falco had to leave, because the dirt underneath his fingers was beginning to calcify and it was later in the day. He bid Eren a hasty goodbye. "I can't wait for tomorrow! I won't be able to sleep!"
And Eren was alone again. He thought that if he ever had a kid, he'd want them to be like Falco. And as Eren turned his head to the sky divided by shedding white tree branches, memories rose to the surface, like rainbow bubbles of gasoline on water, volatile nostalgic bursts of Eren's past. He thought of all things he knew in the world. He thought of a face that he had once known so well, and now could barely recall. Too much effort. Too much of a headache. And, pushed through laboriously from the crack in Eren's forehead, the idea from last night, the brain-child, began to take flight. What am I to you? How will you respond? Eren felt like crying or laughing, as crazy people often do, because of how so alone he was. He had written letters before with his grease-smeared hands to the dim light of an open flame and now he wanted to write another one. Dear Mikasa… he thought. And suddenly, Eren was giddy with sadness and happiness. He closed his eyes…
###
Tomorrow came.
"I'm awake, Falco. I was just resting my eye. I guess I do owe you an answer. She lives far from here. I was in love once. I think I still am. It's hard though; to think. It was easier before the war. Things were less muddied but back then all I could think of was the war. And then during the war, I couldn't even remember her face. It was all mud and dirt in the trenches. In the trenches, I was in love, sure, with my pillow. Or my water canteen. My boots. My gun. I'm afraid of facing her like this. Where's the rest of me? Half of me is gone. Much more than half. And I never killed someone up-close, never saw someone I put a bullet in die. But I know I killed them in the future, maybe days, months, in the future, when they die on a gurney from a festering wound. A kid, huh? Having a kid. Would that bring back the light in her eyes? Would that tip the scales a little? I keep thinking after the festival, after the festival, after the festival… tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. The other day, the nurse told me that my leg wasn't gangrenous. That was supposed to be good news, but I surprised myself. On the inside, I think I was disappointed that I couldn't stay any longer. I want to go home, but I know that home won't welcome me back so easily. A kid, huh…. I guess I'm just wishing right now, Falco, wishing and hoping she's doing the same. The storks will do the rest."
Eren, please… come home.
I am home now.
thanks for reading
