When Negan joined me in the RV, the silence was overwhelming. He pointed at the passenger's seat, and I moved forward sitting down and hoping that my nervousness was well masked. I was still wrapping my head around why I wasn't a puddle of gore like Abraham outside. He took the driver's seat and set the bat, still coated in Abe.
I stared out the windshield, not willing to speak first. And he stared at my profile, I could see him from the corner of my eye. "Relax, Jessica," his voice was far quieter inside the confines of the RV. "Sit back, sweetheart, and buckle up. Wouldn't want you to fall out of your damn seat before we get home, now would we?"
Home? Seat belts? What the literal hell? I sat back and complied with his suggestions. Why not? Once the click of the belt confirmed I'd done what he'd asked me to do, the RV's engine roared to life and we bumped away, to wherever he was taking me.
At first, it was as quiet as it had been when I first stepped inside. Aside from the roar of the vehicle, neither of us spoke. We passed the car I'd taken from Alexandria, and I felt a flash of fear, and failure. I'd left Judith behind. I gave her up, willing to die for Glenn, and now my choice felt selfish.
Dad would make sure she was kept safe, I reminded myself. He had Michonne by his side, and she'd step into the void I'd just created. Carl would remind her of her big sister. Hadn't he gone to much more trouble for the family picture over the bar? I was telling myself this, over and over, as Negan drove us to wherever he considered home.
Maybe, I thought, he'd kill me there. In front of the rest of his people, because I was certain, having seen the ring of followers that lined the clearing, he had far more people than Dad had thought. Perhaps, unlike Abraham's death, mine would be a different kind of show. An example. A reminder. To those who followed him of his strength and power.
I was becoming lost in thoughts, but I was also very present. More present than I think I'd been in months. I noticed when he'd shoot me looks. When he'd rub a hand over his face, in thought or frustration I couldn't tell. And I was firmly aware of the bat, and how close at hand he kept it.
"Jessica Grimes," Negan saying my name, in the darkness of the RV, as we drove away from my family and all I knew in this world, was almost shocking. The silence broken, the facade of peace gone. "Rick didn't really answer me earlier. Are you his?"
I considered his question. Was he asking if I was his family? Or was he implying something more intimate? "I'm his daughter." I answered, my voice loud enough to be heard over the noise of the RV and the road.
"Explains the hick's reaction to you showing up." Negan said, musing to himself. I wondered what Daryl had looked like when I stepped forward. "I'm guessing you're his?"
A much tougher question, I thought. I had been. And it felt like eons before this night when I was. But now? When had been the last time that Daryl and I found peace in one another? When had we looked at each other like a lifeline? I found myself more confused than Negan about what I was to Daryl. Now. And before.
"It's not that difficult of a question, princess." His voice sounded a little mocking, but I honestly didn't care. What did it matter? Here, as I drove away with the enemy.
"Does it matter?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the road in front of us.
I heard him snort. "That sounds cold, Jessica. Very very cold." I could tell he was studying me again. Like a puzzle. "If I'd known Rick Grimes, the biggest pain in my balls ever, had a daughter, I don't think I'd picture you in a million years."
He has two daughters, my mind corrected. And I doubt you'd have envisioned either one of us. I didn't speak. What was the point? I'd be dead soon. Or worse. For all I knew, he was taking me to God knew where to take his time in torturing me to death. And yet, the only fear I felt was for what I'd left behind.
Silence bore down on us again, and I considered what Dad would do next. He and the others would take Maggie to Hilltop. She'd get the medical attention she needed. And then? He'd rush back to Alexandria to make sure that Judith was safe. He'd berate the guard at the gates for letting me leave. He'd hopefully take my deal with Negan to heart and return to the normalcy of life. He, Carl, and Judith could mourn me and let go. That's what I'd hope he'd do. Enough fighting and uncertainty. Let Alexandria, let our people live their lives in peace. Or, I considered Negan's warning, in as much peace as they could hope for.
I don't know how much time passed before he spoke again. I was focusing on thoughts of Dad's future plans when his voice called me back to the RV.
"Why?" It was one word, but it held so much. I understood what he wanted to know. Why had I offered without knowing that I'd be sitting here and not becoming Abraham's twin? Why had I stepped forward when his people hadn't even had an inkling that I was hidden out there? Why had I come at all?
I took my time to answer. Why had I come? A rush of fear, the cold fingers of death teasing up my spine that warned me that someone I cared about was in danger. A need, after so long without feeling anything, to DO something. Why had I shown myself when I'd been safe amongst the trees? Because standing by as a witness while such terrible loss was inflicted on my family was unbearable. The very thought that Glenn would die, that he would miss his child's entrance into this uncertain world, and the possibility that his death would kill Maggie or their baby had pushed me forward. Why had I taken the chance, when I didn't even think it was a chance by offering a man I just watched brutally kill a member of my own family? Because living, no surviving had become unbearable. Because I watched people I love walk away every single day, most without so much as a glance back, and it had become the worst form of torture to endure. Death, even in such a brutal and horrifying way, would be an end to it. It would make sense. Because in this world, death was the only thing that was certain.
I didn't say any of this. I simply offered, "I don't know." When I'd found myself in the light, in front of Negan, I truly didn't make the decision to move forward. The offer had been a rash one. I hadn't really thought it over, and yet, when it slipped out I didn't want to take it back. It had felt right. The perfect answer to the perfect storm that was surrounding us. I didn't want to be an active part of the equation, so I took a chance to remove myself from it.
He was studying me again. "You haven't asked me anything about what lies ahead." He was curious about my own disinterest. That I wasn't begging him to spare me. That I showed no inquisitiveness about my future, or even if I had one. I didn't have any, what lay behind me was far more important that whatever I was going to face.
When I didn't give him anything to go on, he sighed. "Are you suicidal, Jessica?" He sounded like he might care. How strange. And was I? Did I want to die, really?
I smiled sadly. No, I didn't want to. If I had, with the weapons at my disposal I could have taken myself out of the equation so many times. Permanently. Without help. I shook my head, knowing he'd see it.
"And, yet, you offered to die." The darkness was lightening, and I wondered what time it was, how long had we been driving. "Why was he more important to you than your own life?"
Glenn. Why was Glenn more important than me? Easy. He wanted his future. The hope of his family growing. The love of Maggie to carry him on. He was more important because he still had hope. I can't think of a way to tell Negan this that would satisfy him, not without him refocusing on the possibility that I was suicidal.
"Every life is important." I answered, feeling far too Gabriel-like for my own sanity. But it was true. Every life, here in the dystopia we'd been shoehorned into, was important.
He grew quiet again. And I waited. There was more, I was sure of it.
"I'm taking you to my headquarters." We'd come to the brochure portion of the ride, I realized. "The Sanctuary. " Not as nice sounding as Alexandria, but it couldn't be worse than Terminus. "You're right, Jessica, every life is important. Especially every life that has a purpose." I wondered what he thought my purpose might be. "I don't think I trust you to be alone, not yet." Ah, so death did not await me, that's a turn. I could tell he wasn't buying that I wasn't harboring self-harm thoughts. "You'll be my shadow, for now." Shadow? Like a pet? "Where I go, you go. What I eat, you'll eat." He shot me another look and I wondered what he saw. "Hopefully, soon, I'll give you your purpose."
I gave a small nod, letting him know I understood. Negan it would seem, has adopted me.
