Chapter 10: Mother
When the priest arrived to read the last rites to James, Erin's poor heart couldn't take it. Seeing the collar on the holy man sparked a further barrage of tears and only Orla and Gerry holding an arm of hers each could keep her standing. Hearing the words from the priest put most of them in tears. He was a kind man and after he'd finished, he remarked to them not to lose hope, as he could tell from just how many people were present, that the young man was cherished, and God may smile upon him as they all did. The man had a fair point too.
Erin, Michelle, Clare, Orla, Mary, Gerry, Joe, Sarah, Deirdre, Martin, Sister Michael and Mr Flanagan…
Twelve. Twelve of them there. And there were others not present too that only increased that number.
At half past one that afternoon, Erin finally went home. She needed to go home, to shower and get away for a while. Though she was reluctant to leave James's side, it was also doing nothing to mend her heart to continually look at him in that state. Mary and Gerry returned with her too, leaving Joe, Sarah and Orla to stay with the Englishman until their return. Deirdre returned home to the Mallon house, falling into bed and sleeping straight away in her exhaustion. Michelle went home with her and Martin too, Clare going back to the Mallon house where the two kids stayed together and watched the tv, steering clear of the news to avoid any more reminders of what had happened. Michelle herself had already been through her memories with the cops after seeing James, giving all the detail she could about how they'd found him. If anything, it was worse reciting it to them.
It was around four o'clock when Erin found herself at the dinner table, her mother asleep upstairs next to baby Anna, having relieved Colm of his duties and sent him home. Gerry made them both something to eat, Erin not having eaten anything more than a dry biscuit since the night before. She simply stared at the plate. It wasn't the usual Sunday dinner, that was out of the question, but he'd done some bacon and sausages, along with three pieces of toast. Making the same for his own sustenance, he tucked in to eat it, but found himself unable to when he realised Erin was yet to touch hers.
"Love… ye need to eat". Gerry put his knife and fork back down, leaning in to try and get her attention.
"I can't daddy…". Her voice cracked, eyes unmoved from the plate.
"Erin, you h-".
"What if he dies daddy? I don't know if I can live without him…".
Erin broke down into a fit of tears, putting her hands up to cover her eyes. Sighing, Gerry clasped his own hands together. It was a thought that rattled around in his head the moment they were forced to drag her from the room as she was kicking and screaming. He'd been strong for them all but if James was to die in the coming hours, what was he supposed to do to comfort Erin? Their love for each, so potent and powerful, would be smashed apart and the pieces would be left strewn across their lives. They would have to go on, no matter how rocky the road would be, there would be life after James. A worse life, a living hell for his daughter, but it would still be life and it would still have to be lived.
Sighing again, he started the conversation he never thought he would have with her and never wanted to have…
"Erin, life…". He stopped, taking a deep breath again. "…life will always continue…".
"How can you say that!" She cried, lifting her hands away from her face.
"I know it hurts Erin but… if God decides that its James's time th-".
"IT'S NOT GOD'S CHOICE!" Erin shouted at him.
Gerry could only sigh again. The words were hurting him as much as they hurt Erin, but the conversation had to be held, she needed to be prepared.
"Okay". He said softly. "Then look at it like this, if he does pull through, what good will it be when he wakes up to find you all skin and bones, not eating proper".
"I…".
"Ye can't help him if ye make yerself ill Erin. You might be hurting inside, yer stomach might be telling ye not to but ye have to eat love. If not for yerself then for James".
"But I just…". She struggled.
"I'm having to force myself too…". He stopped putting his hand on Erin's. "…James is like the son we never had… that's how I see him and he's the perfect lad for ye love. I want nothing more than to see him by yer side, my grandchildren at yer feet. But… we have to face up to that not happening, as hard as it is".
Erin wanted to respond to him but found herself unable. At seeing her floundering, Gerry got up from his seat and almost ran around the table to cuddle her. Taking the seat next to her, he took her fully into his arms like she was a baby again, rocking her as she cried into his shoulder. Whilst she lay there and cried, he used his left hand, picking up the fork to scrappily cut away at the sausage. After a short battle with it, he picked up the first piece and presented it in front of Erin's mouth. If she wouldn't eat like a grown up, then he would feed her like he'd done for her years before and in a similar way to the water the night before. Father and daughter sat there as he fed her and though she couldn't voice the words, Erin felt just a little bit better that he'd done so.
Erin and her parents returned to the hospital at six o'clock. Not wishing to disturb Colm again, Mary took Anna to the Mallon house, Martin offering to look after her until Joe collected her on his return trip from the hospital. Michelle and Clare also helped with Anna, the pair of them recognising that Erin would want to be alone with James for a while and they respected that. If anything changed, they'd be by there in a flash anyway.
Arriving on the intensive care ward, they raced around to see him, finding Joe and Sarah outside his private room. Orla came out a moment later just as they reached the room.
"He's still fightin'". Joe informed them. "But no change".
"Thank ye again Joe". Gerry addressed his father in-law.
"That's alright Gerry". A rare tender moment was shared between the two. "The doctors have been coming by and checkin' on him, but they've said nothing".
Mary advised Joe about picking up Anna and they spoke as a family for another couple of minutes. Erin was itching to go in and see him, but they held her back, wanting to all go in together rather than for her to suffer alone. They learned from Joe that the priest returned too, shocked to see James still alive and not having passed like it was expected he would. Not many came back from having the last rites read out to them, yet the wee English fella wasn't going down easily, and the priest reiterated his message of hope. Finally giving in to Erin's urgings, they said goodbye to Joe, Sarah and Orla, who all left to retrieve Anna from the Mallon house.
Erin ran into the room, immediately re-occupying the position she'd left hours earlier, stroking the strands of his curls. Mary and Gerry held hands on the other side of the bed, looking down at the prone figure of the Englishman, tubes and wires still sticking out from every angle. It was strange to them because in many ways he looked at his most peaceful but the wounds across his face told a different story. The silent tears fell from their daughter again as she fought a battle in her own head, trying to tell herself that he would be given the miracle by God, but it was just too bleak looking at him beneath her, battered and broken.
"I…I… I want…" She stuttered. "I want to… stay… tonight".
"Sorry love?" Mary replied.
"Tonight… every night… until my wee English fella is better".
"Love…". Mary was cracking but just about held it together. "… ye can't… it's a hospital".
"I'm not leaving him. I let him go last night and look what happened…".
Erin whimpered and her parents shared a look. They didn't want to say no but they had very little choice. She could visit him in the day, before and after school, but she wouldn't be allowed to stay overnight. They couldn't release a bed for her to sleep on, they were needed for patients, people that required them because of their own illness or injury. A broken heart wasn't on the list.
"Love…". Mary addressed her again.
"No Mammy". She broke off her stare at James and turned to her mother. "I won't sleep in my bed again until he's in it with me".
"Wh-".
"Not now love". Gerry stopped Mary. "Let me go and speak to the staff, see if they can make a wee exception".
Smiling at her father, Erin sat down on the seat next to the Englishman's bed and put her head in her hands and sobbed again. Mary was soon crouching in front of her, holding her daughter tightly and not wanting to let go. Erin didn't think she had any tears left; she'd been crying almost constantly for twenty-four hours and yet still they fell.
Gerry returned ten minutes later with a smile on his face and two nurses carrying in a mattress, with a duvet in his hands too. Mary's eyes widened at him, but Gerry held her off until the staff finished bringing the rest of the things in, some additional blankets for Erin and even a hot water bottle should she want it. Mother and daughter were in disbelief at how in the space of a few minutes, Gerry managed to not only convince them to let her stay overnight but provided the resources for her to do so. Once the staff departed though, Mary had free reign to question him.
"We can't Gerry!" Mary whispered.
"Yes we can love". He put his hands over hers. "Do ye really think Erin will sleep tonight if she's not here?"
"Gerry…".
"No Mary. She won't".
Gerry pulled his wife into a hug and looked over her shoulder to see Erin beaming back in appreciation, the smile he liked to see from his daughter. He'd missed that smile over the last few hours and was glad to have it back. They sat with her until half past eight that night, giving her a final chance to change her mind, but Erin stood her ground. The hospital staff made a promise to look after her in their absence, so the parents left reluctant but ultimately satisfied that she would be safe. She opted to sleep in her clothes that night, still wrapped up in the denim jacket that reminded her of him and him having his arms around her. The nurses made her cups of tea and some toast after Mary and Gerry departed, a kind gesture which she thanked them for. Summoning up as much strength as she could, she finished both the tea and the toast, feeling far better for it afterwards. Lights went out at around ten o'clock and she stood by his side, pressing a chaste kiss to his curls before settling down on the makeshift bed propped up on the floor.
"I love you". She whispered into the now dark room.
Lying down on the mattress, she settled in and was soon asleep, her dreams turning to happier times for the two of them.
Erin woke around six o'clock the following morning. Instead of waking to the sounds of birds in the trees outside, it was the unending rhythm of the machines that ended her slumber. It took her a couple of minutes to register her surroundings, sleeping heavily she'd forgotten where she was, and the unfamiliarity of her settings set in motion a few brief moments of confusion. But on hearing the machines still going, she let out a deep breath.
James was still fighting
She picked herself up out of the mess of duvet and blankets that had kept her warm and was back by his side. He hadn't changed, of course he hadn't, but just seeing the rise and fall of his chest allowed her own heart to continue to beat. Just then, the door opened, and Deirdre appeared.
"Morning Erin love". She smiled.
"M-Morning Deirdre".
"Mary telephoned me when they got in last night". She explained. "I dropped by and Joe was up and gave me all this for ye".
Deirdre held up a bag and inside were Erin's school clothes as well as her own school bag. Of course Granda had done that…
"Thank ye". Erin smiled her appreciation.
"I'll take ye to the staff showers in a few minutes. There's a towel ready for ye, I figured ye might want to freshen up before going to school".
She put the bag down on the table in the corner and walked over to Erin, putting an arm around her nephew's girlfriend and cuddling her. Erin was taken aback by Deirdre's warmth, having often seen her be harsh and cold with both Michelle and James, but couldn't deny her gratitude for it.
"How come ye here so early?" Erin muttered into her shoulder.
"James's ma will be arriving shortly". She felt Erin flinch at her side. "I figured it was best I was here when she turned up".
Erin held similar views to her mother on Kathy Maguire. The pain she'd caused James with her vile letter had long been unforgiveable in Erin's mind and she had no right to walk back into his life. But the circumstances were not as they were in the past. James might be dying, and she understood that a mother couldn't just standby whilst her son slipped away. She had to be there. She couldn't deny Deirdre's logic in wanting to be there either; if anyone should confront but still comfort her then it had to be Deirdre.
"Martin's gone to pick her up from the airport". She clarified.
"She must be devasted". Erin reasoned.
"She didn't give anything away on the phone, but our Kathy's always been like that".
They spoke about James's mother for another couple of minutes, Erin kissing his hair again, then departing for the staff shower. She was glad of it, feeling dirty sleeping in her clothes and only having a quick wash during the brief time she'd been at home the day before. By seven, she was dressed and ready for school, meeting up with Deirdre again by James's side. Her fella's aunt smiled at the fresher Erin when she returned, looking more like the normal Erin Quinn she'd see than the broken girl that she truly was inside.
"I think it's time for ye to go". Deirdre said to her.
"Aye. But I need to say bye to my prince first".
Deirdre couldn't help but laugh slightly at the description of James and neither could Erin. For the first time she pushed away the tears when they threatened her, instead turning to happier thoughts and laughter. Kissing the same spot in his hair again, she stayed and stared for only a few seconds more. Sighing but finding determination beyond her knowledge, she left his side to go to school and found that, as Gerry had told her, life would have to go on. Deirdre went with her outside and Erin prepared herself for the long walk back to the bus stop to meet the other girls. But Deirdre had been hiding something from her and when they got outside, she found the empty school bus waiting for her.
"Mr Flanagan arranged for a route change to pick ye up here first".
Erin was speechless. Mr Flanagan was going above and beyond for her again. This time she didn't know what to say and was thankful he wasn't there because it would have been embarrassing the way she stood there and gawked at it in silence. Accompanying her to the entrance, the driver came prepared to, having with him a bacon sandwich and a carton of orange juice for Erin. Another detail that Mr Flanagan had no doubt insisted upon, the little things her friends and family were doing to ease her pain flickered the soul back into the shattered heart within her chest.
Boarding the bus and tucking into her breakfast, the driver pulled out of the hospital, on his way over to the first stop on the school run. As he drove out, Martin's car pulled in and Deirdre's glare fell upon it. Her husband parked up and a few seconds later, the sisters were reunited.
Kathy Maguire was back.
The girls were surprised to find Erin already on the bus, Deirdre not even telling Michelle about it, and they all squeezed onto one row in order to be closer to each other. Clare was practically sat on Orla's lap, not that the young McCool minded at all as it allowed her to braid Clare's hair much easier. The other girls, from various age groups, offered their thoughts and prayers to Erin on the bus. It was another sweet gesture, this time from those she didn't know so well, and joyful tears fell from her after a while. The four of them were all holding hands on that row, something that remained the same all the way into the building. They met up with Jenny and Aisling outside the assembly hall and it became a six-girl huddle. The two of them were tearful, fond of the Englishman and feeling the wretchedness of the gaping hole his absence created. At one point, Michelle looked up to notice Moira watching them in the distance, her eyes narrowing at their enemy, but she scurried away. She was a problem for another day, a day when James was out of the woods and they could turn some of their attention elsewhere.
They took up their usual spot for assembly but instead of singing, Jenny and Aisling joined them on their row. Sister Michael suspended the usual run of assembly events as she had something of a far greater importance than a few songs to say.
"Good morning".
"Good morning Sister Michael".
"You will all be aware by now, about the sickening attack that occurred on Saturday night, on our own James Maguire…".
She looked around the room, heads nodding and faces reflecting back sadness. Her eyes stayed focused on Erin for a brief moment, flashing the subtlest of smiles, before returning to her announcement.
"… It goes without saying that the cowardly and despicable act is one which is difficult to come to terms with. James's friends and… partner… have very bravely came into school today to honour what they believe he would want them to do in his absence. I want you all to look to those girls as a reminder of what strength looks like in dark times and what we can achieve when we stand as one and do not seek to force divisions within our lives".
Students all turned to look at the four girls, with Jenny and Aisling's support by their side, and they held their heads high. They refused to cry, even Erin who'd been unable to stop for so long, continued to dig at reserves of mental strength she didn't know existed within her.
"If!" Sister Michael shouted to get their attention again. "If anyone knows anything about this attack, you might think it insignificant when it might not be, then I invite you to come to my office and we will deal with it from there. But I will also give you a very stark warning, girls. If I find out that ANY of you, and I mean ANY of you, have withheld information from either myself or the police, then you will never step foot in this school again. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes Sister Michael". The students replied in unison.
"Good. Now, we will be lighting candles and saying prayers for James at lunchtime here in the main hall. I would consider it a duty for you all to attend and at least show your respect for those who are praying if you do not wish to yourself. Dismissed".
The students began to fan out and go off to their various lessons, the four girls staying in place to wait for Sister Michael, an instruction she'd given them before the start of the assembly. Jenny and Aisling went to the first lesson without them but were given hugs before going to thank them for their support.
"Girls". Sister Michael walked over and addressed them, Mr Flanagan moving across from his position too. "First of all, how is he?". She looked at Erin.
"No different". She mumbled, battling away with her feelings once more.
"I see". The Sister replied. "And how are all of you?"
"We're coping Sister". Michelle answered.
"Aye". Clare sighed a response too.
"I'm glad to hear it girls. I wanted to tell you that I'll be relaxing some of the normal rules for you girls for the time being. If ye need to leave a lesson because you feel overwhelmed or you just want someone to talk to, then there is no need to ask. Just go. And my door will remain open for the four of you".
"Thank ye Sister". They replied together.
It was yet another olive branch extended to them by their headmistress. Underneath the witty but fiery exterior, there was another side to the Sister they were beginning to understand. The compassionate and peaceful lady that lived under the mask, that was no different to them in her approach. She looked out for those she cared for.
"Thank ye for the bus Mr Flanagan". Erin turned her head to him.
"It was my pleasure Erin". He smiled.
"He's a very resourceful man is Mr Flanagan". The Sister added. "And I'm sure his door will be open for the four of you too".
"Always". He confirmed.
"Thank you as well Sister". Orla spoke up. "For not mentioning the race".
When the Sister found them ahead of the assembly and told them to wait for her afterwards, Orla had made the request for her not to mention the race victory. She didn't want any attention taken away from James, her victory was nothing compared to James's life and she told the Sister just as much. Like Joe, she too was shocked at the previously untapped degree of maturity within Orla and kept her word, not shining the light on the otherwise stunning achievement.
"Not a problem Orla. Now the four of you best get to class. I will see you at break time".
Smiling after their dismissal, Michelle led the girls away out of the hall and down the corridor, rushing off to their first lesson of the day. Sister Michael and Mr Flanagan stood together watching them leave, a sense of admiration and respect brewing within the pair of them.
"Brave girls". Mr Flanagan remarked.
"Aye". Sister Michael agreed. "We just have to hope James carries the same bravery".
Kathy Maguire spent months believing she was correct and cutting off all contact with James was the right thing to do. The letter was written in a hurry, the emotions still high, but she couldn't find it in herself to feel guilty about it either. It took her weeks to find someone to help her with the business and on Christmas Day she found herself working nearly the whole day just on keeping it afloat. Her life only resettled in late January once her employee started and the workload eased. Trade was good in the couple of months since, Kathy using her connections to open the door to various opportunities. James became a distant memory.
But then the phone call came.
The first misgivings about her decision came on the flight, alone on her row, when questions rose from within.
Am I to blame for this? It would never have happened to him if I'd never left him there…
Who would look out for him? Sure he had family and friends but they were nothing compared to a mother's touch…
If I don't want anything to do with him… why am I sat on this flight?
She batted them away on the plane, not wanting to inspect her own feelings so thoroughly and publicly. There was an uncomfortable silence when Martin picked her up. She'd never been keen on him even before she'd first moved away from Derry, Deirdre introducing him to her parents as a lovely fella but Kathy disagreeing, and they rarely spoke at the best of times. He didn't seem to push the conversation either and it stayed like that all the way to the hospital. It was an equally frosty reception with Deirdre too. Words were spoken at least, a simple 'hello' between the pair before Deirdre took her to see James. Nothing more was said on the journey to his bedside, but it was an uncomfortable silence for Kathy this time. She wanted to speak to Deirdre, get the full story about what happened from her, but found herself unable and her sister unwilling.
Her second round of misgivings occurred when saw him.
She didn't need a third round.
Kathy Maguire shattered like a pane of glass struck by a car. She could feel shards of her own heart leave her and scatter across the room, embedding into every chip in the wall and every little gap between cupboards. She'd sank to her knees before she realised it, her wailing filling the whole unit with a glum, melancholic air.
"My… beautiful boy… what have they done to you…".
Deirdre was by her side a second later and the two sisters put behind years of differences and disagreement, arguments and attacks, to embrace the shared pain. The scars of Kathy's letter healed within an instant between the two and it hit Kathy so incredibly hard that she was a failure as a mother. A complete and utter failure.
Staying locked together for a couple of minutes, Deirdre eventually managed to get Kathy up to sit on the chair beside James's bed. She went off to get them a cup of tea each, and on her return moved the table so that it rested between them. A conversation, long overdue, began.
"I've failed him". Kathy started through the sobs.
"Ye here now Kathy, that's what matters". Deirdre put a hand on hers.
"No Deirdre, I can't be forgiven that easily…". She turned her head away. "What have I done?"
The howls of grief fell from Kathy, her usual stiff guard long gone, thrown to the floor amongst the pieces of her heart.
"We all make mistakes Kathy…".
"But not like that!" She cried out. "I told him…I…".
"And what ye did was wrong. But ye have a chance to put that right".
"Do I though Deirdre?" Her head whipped back round to face her sister. "What happens if he… if he…".
Kathy couldn't finish, the raw pain of her own feelings of helplessness and failure rupturing her natural defences. Years of her own selfishness waited on her conscience, ready for the moment to be unleased and the gates were open for it all to pour out. Every night she would leave him at home to fend for himself whilst she went off with a man to a fancy restaurant, and usually the man's bed, arrived so vividly in her mind. The nights his stepdad would be left to look after him, Kathy not caring for what they would get up to or whether James was even happy in his company. The mornings she wouldn't be there to wake him up for school… the Sunday afternoons she'd spend working and ignoring the pleas from the boy to play with him. And now the one time he didn't cry out or ask for anything, his life hung by the thinnest of threads.
"He's strong Kathy!" Deirdre pulled her from her sobs. "He's got the blood of Ireland in his veins, so he has. And he has people to fight for".
"Not me". Kathy commented dejectedly.
"Of course he does! Yer letter hurt him… I won't hide that from ye. But yer his mother Kathy, he'll always love ye, a son does".
She could only pray that her sister was right.
The machines marched on, providing a noisy backdrop, but they were just the quiet backing vocals to a louder song composed of the tears of a frightened, demoralised mother.
