When the darkness pulled me away from the dark, I felt the peace that I craved, but it was short lived. Pain intruded in the form of Daryl's face. Standing close enough to me to touch, looking so completely disappointed in me, as though I'd betrayed him. I tried to speak, but nothing came out and he disappeared. Turning his back, saying nothing he faded to nothing as he walked away from me, once again.
He was replaced by Dad. Sad eyes, filled with tears and more disappointment, more betrayal. Again nothing said, and again he turned and walked away without another look. Then Carl, then Judith, then...as my heart clenched, pain radiating through me, my entire family, their faces shrouded in disappointment and betrayal, walking away from me without a single word.
I felt something shaking me, and wondered if this is how it ended, my very body breaking apart at the seams. But my eyes felt like they were being forced open, and there was Negan. Hovering over me, blocking out the stream of sunlight shining behind him, his hands on my shoulders shaking me awake.
His hands stayed on my shoulders, but the shaking stopped when my eyes opened. He was doing that studying thing again. And I was trying to figure out why he shook me, why he'd woken me up, even with the invasion of the people I cared about tormenting me.
"You were screaming." His voice sounded harsh, as though he'd been shouting too. "I tried to get you to wake up by calling your name, but you wouldn't fucking open your eyes." He released my shoulders and sat down on the bed where he'd been kneeling over me. "Screaming and crying like you were fucking being tortured." His eyes never left mine. "What happened to you, Jessica?"
Nothing. I thought. Nothing had happened to me that hadn't happened to everyone still surviving. Nothing different. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, wet and cooling on my skin. I could still see every single person I loved or tried to love walking away without a word. And I knew that it wasn't nothing, but it wasn't something I'd share with him.
Negan didn't push me, not then, to share what had made me emote more in my sleep than he'd ever seen me show in consciousness. Instead, he handed me a new set of clothes, and pointed toward a bathroom. I went inside, and shut the door. "Don't lock that, Jessica." I heard his voice muffled behind the closed barrier. Of course, I was still on suicide watch.
I took off my clothes, and took a look in the mirror over the sink. What did he see that I didn't? My hair needed a washing, but I had been through the forest, through the sweat inducing angst of watching Abraham die, and then a day here without a shower. I was pale, far paler than I'd been at the beginning of the end. I looked at myself and saw nothing I hadn't already known. I was me. Pale and a bit dirtier than usual, especially since living in Alexandria, but still outwardly I was Jessica Grimes.
"Get a shower, princess, we have places to be." His voice called, and I sighed and did what was expected.
The shower was much like the first shower I'd had with Judith in Alexandria. Welcome after the gritty feeling I watched wash down the drain. I dried off with a towel that was waiting on the counter when I'd come in. Then I pulled on the clothes he'd provided. A pair of black leggings, a loose white t-shirt that looked like one of his own, over a bra and panty set that was my size. My boots were in the other room, but I found a brush and untangled my wet hair, braiding it in a long rope down my back.
When I opened the door, Negan was sitting at the foot of his bed waiting for me. He turned to take stock of my fresh appearance and with a nod, gestured for me to come closer. Once again, his hand cupped my chin so he could force my face up for another inspection. His hands were gentle, a far cry from what I'd witnessed from him in the clearing with my family. I waited, patiently for him to finish and release me.
"We're going to Alexandria today." He was saying, giving me an idea of what to expect. "You aren't to speak to them, any of them, is that clear?" I tried to nod, but he was still holding my chin.
"Yes, I understand." I offered, hoping this would release me from his touch. He was so casual with it, the way he touched me, that it was unnerving.
"Good girl," he smirked. And I knew some part of me didn't like the way he'd said it. As though I really was his pet. "Get your boots on and we'll head out."
On the road to where I'd once called home, I sat between Negan and the man with the scarred face, 'D'. I sat quietly, and allowed myself to slip back into the comfort of my own blank mind. Letting myself forget that I'd see them, those people who'd turned away from me with a look of frustration and mistrust, in person.
When we arrived, Negan held my wrist in his hand as he banged on the gate. He mocked my former family and community by acting the Big Bad Wolf. Spencer, Deanna's son, opens it without realizing, I think just who he's admitting. Then again, I was standing next to Negan, so perhaps he felt it was safe.
And then Dad is there, saying he'd expected more time. Negan handed that bat, the weapon that he'd used to take a life we knew, to him and we're inside the walls. I know that Dad is trying to check on me, I know even as I keep my eyes straight ahead, even before Negan issues his threat. "No one, not a single fucking one of you, is to speak to her." I know that all eyes have landed on me, standing beside Negan, because he hasn't released my wrist. "If anyone wants to tempt my fucking temper, then please, go right the fuck ahead." No one speaks, not even Dad. Not to me.
Dad's set aside half the supplies, the edict, I suspect that came before I'd stepped forward. Negan overrules that, saying that HE says what they'll take, not Dad. A fierce woman, one of Negan's, sets the others loose on Alexandria to search and find.
I stand still beside Negan as he and my father go back and forth. I'm not needed here, not really, so I allow my mind to wander back to the safety of the nothingness. It's broken by a gunshot sounding out. I'm pulled along with Negan and Dad to the infirmary, where Carl has taken a stand. No, I think, don't. Let them take what they will, little brother, let it go and be safe.
Dad pleads with Carl to stop, echoing what I felt inside my head. The need to protect him, to keep him safe. After all, hadn't I offered my life to do just that? To keep them safe? Negan compliments Carl on his prowess and conviction, but then tells him that he will kill more of the people he thinks of as family. I feel Carl's eyes on me, but Negan laughs.
"Jessica's far safer with me than she ever was with you." His hand slides from my wrist to my hand. He links our fingers as I struggle to understand. "But every single other person here? They're fucking expendable to me."
And the weapons, they're what Negan decides is the price for Carl's stand. The food, that stays, since Dad and the others will need strength to collect more for Negan. He wants Dad to thank him. To thank his benevolence, but Dad is Dad. Negan shifts and asks if any weapons are kept outside the armory, and Dad insists that the answer is no. There's a tense time when Olivia's inventory doesn't match what Negan's people find.
As Dad walks away to try to figure out where the missing weapons could be, calling his people to a meeting, I feel more eyes on me. I don't glance around to find the source, I don't have to. "Your hick is lookin' at me like he wants to fuckin' kill me." Daryl, I hope beyond hope that he won't. That he'll stay safe, that he won't squander my attempt to save lives.
The weapons are found in Spencer's house. Once Negan has every weapon, Dad asks for my return. Since Alexandria is being compliant, since he's playing nice, can I come home?
Negan looks at me, I can tell because I can feel his eyes on my face. "Jessica, do you wanna stay?" I say nothing. He'd told me not to, I'd given my life for Glenn's, and I don't renege on deals. "Would you look at that? Your own fucking daughter isn't interested." As we're leaving, Negan holding my hand, and Dad on his other side, Negan gives the shot that I knew he'd been holding tight. The shot that would wound the deepest. "Rick Grimes, biggest fucking asshole I've ever had the misfortune to deal with, how does it fucking feel to know that you broke her so fucking badly that staying with the fucking Devil is a better offer than staying with daddy?"
He helps me into the same vehicle we'd come in, but D isn't on my other side. I haven't a clue where he is, nor do I care, but I do know that I'm glad I didn't look at Dad. That I didn't meet the eyes of Daryl. That I'd kept my word to Negan, because I knew, if I had dropped my thousand yard stare, my mask, that I may not have been able to leave again. And since it didn't matter whether here or there, as long as nowhere waited for me, I could survive anything. Until the end for me came, and then I'd be in the nothing forever.
