Chapter 2: Worms and Snakes

For as long as I can remember, I have always been fascinated by string, rope, thread, wool or anything that I can unwind. I have a predilection for all things long and thin, but especially those that I can hold in my hands and manipulate. Perhaps Nurse Storey first noticed?

I remember that in the nursery there was one cupboard entirely filled with every variety of long, thin things that could be unwound. Nothing delighted me more than unwinding. Sometimes it was the mere action of making a pile and watching what had been a compact and organized substance become a hill of twists and turns. Sometimes it was seeing how long it could reach, with me laying out long lines of the stuff. Sometimes it was me winding it around Nurse Storey's outstretched hands. Sometimes it was throwing a bundle and seeing what it could catch on.

My mother used to save me embroidery thread, wool and long ribbons, but I was especially excited when she brought me a long piece of rope.

When I was young, I had no hesitation in playing with my worms and snakes as I called them. I had not a care as to who saw me with them, but now I know this is yet another example of my oddity. Certainly, string and such are useful, but no other person would ever consider them playthings.

Governess Hayes screeched when she entered the nursery for the first time and found my collection all over the floor. The sound was deafening and hurt my ears (I have since learned my ears are unusually sensitive). I jumped up and hid behind Nurse Storey, not even daring to peer around her skirts.

Nurse Storey tried to quiet her, speaking to her in the even tone she used with me when I was most upset, but Governess Hayes would not be quiet. They exchanged many words, Nurse Storey's soft and Governess Hayes's harsh and jabbing.

In the end, Nurse Storey turned to me, bent down and gave me a hug. I stayed nestled into her even after she released me. She said in her most soothing voice, "Goodbye Master Darcy. I am sorry I cannot stay. Do your best. Remember, you are a fine gentleman." Then, in a very quiet whisper she murmured, "I love you."

I knew about goodbyes. She had bid me goodbye many times; Mother had, too. I knew, though, somehow that this goodbye was different. I tried to follow her out of the nursery, holding onto her skirt with one hand.

Governess Hayes grabbed at me, pulled me away and then slammed the door. I screamed and cried but Nurse Storey did not come back.

Governess Hayes released me, and I continued to cry by the door. Eventually I calmed enough to notice what was going on around me. I saw Governess Hayes and the nursery maid gathering up my worms and snakes and dumping them into the waste can. I ran to the can, crying and trying to use words to stop them, but they ignored me until I tried to pull my worms and snakes out.

I had only succeeded in pulling out a double handful when I heard a whistle-crack and felt blooming pain across my hands as Governess Hayes slapped at them with my biggest snake. I remember screaming as she pulled ribbons and strings from my hands, hands which could not hold tight enough. When my hands were empty, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me away. Her grasp was so tight that it was hard to breathe and though I tried, I could not really kick at her.

Cutting through the sounds of my distress were her demanding words, ordering the nursery maid to continue. Through my tears I saw that the maid continued to gather up my worms and snakes and push them down in the can so more would fit. Finally, when the nursery floor was bare and the maid had taken the can away, Governess Hayes released me. I remember rocking and crying until there was nothing but myself in a dark place within me.

Perhaps I would have stayed in that dark place if it were not for my mother. That evening she came at the usual time and sent Governess Hayes away while she visited. I plopped myself in her lap, still rocking.

She stroked my back, trying to soothe me. My rocking did not still. She talked to me for a few minutes in words that I did not really understand, except for recognizing the names Nurse Storey, Papa, and Governess Hayes. Then she used easier words and told me, "Nurse Storey all gone." She held up empty hands in front of me. "Papa want Governess Hayes." Then she must have noticed that my hands were empty (normally when I was upset I would be running my hands over a worm or snake to help soothe myself).

She asked, "Want worm?"

I told her, "Want worms, want snakes." I chanted this over and over while she looked, hoping she would find one, even the large one that had been used to hurt me.

She searched the nursery, checked every cupboard, basket and shelf. Finally, she came back to me, shook her head side to side and said, "No worms, no snakes." She sat back down, and I scrambled onto her lap again. She stroked my back for a while and I said, "Mama, Mama, Mama" over and over again. Then I felt her hands withdraw from me and looked up to see her hands behind her head. I watched as she unpinned her hair, long wavy blond strands. She told me, "Mama's hair is worms and snakes." She separated out a large chunk and held it out to me. That night I wound and unwound that strand around my fingers until I was very sleepy. It seemed like both a very long time and a very short time. I remember still holding onto the strand until I fell asleep.

Each night that week that Mama visited me, she unpinned her hair for me. Sometimes her elaborate hair styles included braids, which gave me a different texture to touch. She also brought me ribbons and string. She would give me a new one each night and I would furtively play with it by the light of the moon after she left, but each morning when I awoke, it was gone. I would search and search and not find it.

Later I learned that a nursery maid collected them early each morning as I slept. It was necessary, I suppose, to keep me from suffering Governess Hayes's wrath.

My mother also smuggled me yarn through the stockings she knit for me. They were thick and soft, much superior to most stockings. Each had a long end of wool which was not sewn back into the stocking, but only tucked inside. Governess Hayes could not take my stockings away, but she yelled at me when she saw me playing with the ends, still even knowing they were there, tucked against my legs, was a help to me.

I only realized later that knitting, especially stockings, was a peculiar thing for Mother to do as only poor generally knit. The trade in utilitarian objects, like stockings, is an important source of income for many. However, Mother often failed to conform to what was expected of her.