I managed to regain my composure, eventually. Negan had watched me, the entire time, just watching as though I were some type of entertainment for him. Seems an odd way to kill time when he had his harem on standby, but who am I to judge? Once I was back under control, at least more manageable control, I leaned back in my chair worn out. Fuck emotions.
"Feel better, Jessi?" He asked, and I could feel the smugness rolling off of him.
The urge to tell him to go fuck himself was overwhelming. Instead, I turned my face to the wall and thought about how to retort. "Why are you here?" If he could ask questions, why couldn't I?
He snorted. "I run the damn place, princess." I turned back to face him, seeing the fucking glee on his face.
"No," I said, shaking my head and glancing between the two of us. "Why are you HERE?"
He squinted, confusion replacing his pleasure of his own power. "Here? In my fucking bedroom?"
I bit my lip, enjoying the turning of the tables. "Yes, here, in YOUR bedroom, with ME. Why are you HERE with me when you have-" I shot a thumb toward where I was sure his harem was waiting with bated breath, ready and far more willing to enjoy his company than me. Because I wanted a fucking break. I wanted to have a breather, a moment to just not.
It dawned on him, and he smirked, dimples showing. "Jessi, are you jealous, sweetheart?"
It was my turn to snort. Jealous? Of what? "Why would I be jealous?" I looked at him like he'd lost HIS fucking mind. How the hell did he think he was going to 'help' me if he was batshit insane himself?
His eyebrow quirked. Clearly he was a firm believer in his own attractiveness. Wow, that damn ego, how does he fit through the damn door? "Want to get rid of me?" I nodded, finally figured it out, didn't you? He chuckled and it was a deep earthy sound. "Not happening, sweetheart. Not yet, anyway." Fuck.
"I'm not suicidal." I practically growled. "If I were, then why wouldn't I have used MY gun or MY knife to kill myself?" I didn't add that since he'd taken them and done fuck knew what with them it wasn't like I had access to any other fucking implements of self destruction. What did he think, I was going to fashion a noose out of his sheets?
Negan was leaning back in his own chair, and we were like mirror images. "You keep saying that, but, let's just say I'm not ready to trust it." I had a sudden urge to roll my eyes. "Am I really that terrible company?"
I considered it. If he was quiet and I was sleeping, it wasn't torture. If he was digging through my psyche, then yes, he sucked for company. "Depends." Was the answer I settled on.
"On?" Damn him, fucking curiosity. I wanted him to go, to leave me or send me to this promised purpose. Not talk me to death.
"How quiet you are." There, take that.
He laughed, full bodied, eyes sparkling, and dimples fully in show. "I bet you were fucking amazing before." I knew what he meant, before I broke. Before I locked myself away inside of my own head. "I can almost see it, almost." His eyes, I noticed, changed colors. Not like mine do, but still.
"Has my purpose here been decided?" I asked, anything to get space from him. Away. Alone.
He shook his head. "Like I said, princess, I don't trust it." He didn't trust ME he meant. Didn't trust me to keep this, my newly present self.
When night fell, I was still sitting with him. We'd eaten, he had food brought up for us, and he kept his word. I ate what he ate. And damn it if he didn't eat too much. A trip to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I wondered. Where had he been sleeping?
I came out of the bathroom and he was lying on the bed with his back against the headboard. No, he couldn't have. I would have known. Wouldn't I? "You planning on sleeping in that fucking doorway?" He shot a look over at me and I knew my eyes were wide. What the fuck?
"If you toss me a blanket, I'll take the sofa." I said, walking toward it, suddenly aware of the fact that I was wearing only a damn t-shirt. The same one he'd given me to change into. I was thankful that he was taller, because it meant all my important parts were covered, but I was still very aware that I was bare from mid-thigh to feet.
He shook his head. "Get in the damn bed, Jessi." I watched him roll his eyes. "When I said I wouldn't 'join you', I mean I wouldn't JOIN you." Just, fuck. "You didn't seem to fucking notice before."
Of course I didn't. I was escaping into my own fucking darkness, and YOU pulled me part way out of it. So it's YOUR fault that I'm aware now. I was glaring at him. "Why can't I sleep on the damn sofa?"
He got out of bed and walked over to where I was standing near the sofa. He took my hand and pulled me to his bed. HIS bed that I was now firmly aware I'd slept next to him in for two damn nights. "You aren't sleeping on the fucking sofa because I'm a fucking gentleman." He lifted me by the waist and put me to bed as though I was a testy toddler. "I'm not planning on groping you, for shit's sake." He tucked me in, blankets pulled up to my chin. "We've shared the damn bed, get the fuck over it."
He crawled into the other side of the bed after he'd turned off the lights. Nearly complete darkness surrounded us and made me far too aware of him. We weren't touching, there was probably enough space between us for a wife or two, but still I KNEW he was there. And the bed wasn't comfortable. How had I fallen away before? Why wouldn't the fucking darkness rise up and grab me again? Damn it.
I was still awake when the sun rose. Still lying on the damn bed, flat as a board, completely awake and aware. Negan had stolen it. He'd taken away my nowhere. My nothing. My mask. And he snores.
Once it was light in the room, I climbed out of bed. I hadn't looked out of the window. I hadn't explored. And I wanted to.
The view wasn't spectacular, but it was something. I was leaning against the frame, and just looking, wondering what happens next. Negan would give me a job, I vaguely recalled him explaining some during the tour. I squinted through the sun streaming through the glass, what had I seen and heard? What else had I missed?
I heard the rustle of sheets from behind me, alerting me that Negan was awake. I didn't turn to face him. I wanted to enjoy my solitude for a bit longer. I felt raw and tired. I felt like I was more exposed than I was, still only in the t-shirt and panties that I'd worn to bed.
Negan must have gotten out of bed, because I heard the bathroom door shut. I gave him silent thanks for giving me time alone. I let my mind wander back to Alexandria. To Dad. To Carl. To Daryl. They were like sand through my fingers. I felt something, but it was fleeting and I couldn't grasp it and hold on to it.
I heard him come out of the bathroom, and I still didn't turn. I didn't say a word. I was trying so hard to hold on to the little piece of peace I had left. I could tell that he'd sat in 'his' seat. Which meant he had a clear view of me, or the back of me anyway.
"You know, staring a hole in a person is pretty damn creepy." I said to the window.
He chuckled. "I was wondering if you were planning on jumping." I groaned. Although, if he were willing to joke about it, maybe-
I turned and found him reclining in his seat, feet on the table before him, his hands behind his head. He looked well rested. That made one of us. "Sleep well?" I asked with only a hint of the irritation that I was feeling. Ugh, feelings.
"Like a baby, chock full of mama's milk. You?" I could feel my nose wrinkle. "Tense?"
Seriously, darkness, now would be a fabulous time to come rushing back playing Pied Piper for me. Then I wouldn't have to acknowledge him or his mocking. "The bed wasn't comfortable. It was like I was in the Princess and the Pea."
He laughed. "Never been called a goddamn pea before." I guess not, since I'm sure you've been called things that would make a former sailor blush. "I stayed on my side of the bed, sweetheart, so why couldn't you sleep?"
Of course he would think it was about him. I REALLY wanted my former numb self. Blowing through this bargain without having to FEEL anything would make it much easier. I closed my eyes, searching for the way back. My way back to nowhere.
"Jessi?" His voice wasn't as clear. Was it working? "Jessica Grimes, open your damn eyes." Ugh, just like my feelings for Dad and my family it slipped away.
My eyes snapped open into a glare. "Why?" I asked, hearing the pain in my own voice. "Why did you have to meddle in something that wasn't your fucking business?" I didn't wait for his answer, I walked to the bathroom and shut the door. And just in case he thought I'd mindlessly follow his damn orders, I flicked the lock on the door.
