The Enterprise was due to leave spacedock later that day and Will had arranged a farewell fly-by tour for Jean-Luc. It was his first time in a uniform for a long time, and the first time he'd ever worn the uniform of an admiral. He pulled at the neck, uncomfortable suddenly with the height of the collar. Strapped tightly into his seat, he couldn't help but grin when the shuttle lifted off from the shipyard. He loved the feeling of casting out from a spacedock in a shuttle, when there was suddenly nothing but durutanium hull plates between you and the vastness of space. He knew he was going to miss it terribly.
The shuttle's pilot had done this plenty of times, knew exactly how to extract the oohs and ahhs of the brass she was ferrying. She banked to starboard tightly, and the shuttle swooped out of range of the dock affording Jean-Luc a bird's-eye view of his old ship from his viewport. He'd never seen her look so serene. She floated majestically safely secured in the clamping arms of McKinley; the federation's flagship, the jewel in the crown, his home.
He stared dumbly, lost in thought as the shuttle banked hard to port and brought them round for another pass right under the nose of the Enterprise.
"She's a beauty isn't she?" said the pilot unaware of who exactly she was showing off to.
"She is…" he whispered reverently.
As the pilot brought them alongside the port side of the gleaming ship, the docking clamps released, retracting into place.
"The Enterprise is about to depart Sir, I'm going to move us off get a good view."
He couldn't answer her. This was the moment he'd been dreading, but he couldn't peel his eyes away. He was mesmerised, as he had been the first time he'd seen her on completion years ago. Tashsa Yar had been the pilot that day.
He watched as the ship paced through her running lights in sequence, laughed as he thought of Will giving the order, Data fulfilling it. He knew it was the starship equivalent of a wink, knew it was just for him.
"Oh, that's unusual Sir, I haven't seen them do that before." Said the pilot, keeping up a running commentary for her guest.
He smiled, didn't trust his voice. The ship eased out of dock slowly, perfectly banking to starboard, her running lights still dancing for him. Then, as he watched, she elongated momentarily and warped off out into space only to stop for an instant on the far side of the moon. He could just see her, waiting for him to notice, her lights running a sequence one final time. Then she was gone, off to the far reaches of the galaxy for who knew how long.
He wiped at the tear that had escaped from the corner of his eye and thought of his crew, Will, Deanna, Data, Worf, and Geordie. They'd all be at their stations, bellies full of excitement for whatever awaited them next. His friends, all at their best, the top of their games. And Will, of course, now finally installed as Captain of the Enterprise, his dream come true.
He wondered where he'd end up next. He imagined looking for somewhere to live that they'd both love. He realised suddenly that it would be the first time in his adult life that he'd have a decision over where to live. Up until now, he'd been posted on various ships and starbases, the choice taken out of his hands. This beach house on campus was temporary, till he got back on his feet, till he could manage on his own. Till he wasn't sleeping all the time and had some energy back.
Then almost instantaneously, he thought of Beverly. She'd been unable to get away today, stuck in surgery. And anyway, she'd said, she probably wouldn't have been able to keep from crying, wouldn't have been able to see a thing. She'd be back at the house, waiting for him. She'd be there every day, forever. The thought filled his heart with a flood of warmth, of… something she'd evoked in him that was now his to enjoy, no longer a secret, no longer a taboo that could not be tested.
00oo00
He figured he had about an hour before he'd run out of steam entirely. If he sat in one place, didn't move too much he could make it to at least eight before he would need to go to bed for the night. He needed to spend his time wisely, appreciate the moment, take advantage of his good hours. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with his time this evening.
He found her out on the deck at the rear of the house enjoying what was sure to be the last warm evening of an unseasonably warm autumn. She was sipping at a chilled glass of wine, a second glass waiting for him.
"Penny?" he said quietly, as he lumbered out onto the deck. She was lost in thought. He wondered how the surgery had gone.
She rose to meet him, taking his elbow and guiding him to a seat, "Jean-Luc! I didn't hear you come in, is Banda still here?"
"No, she dropped and ran. Off home for the night." He said manoeuvring his body in the direction he needed.
"Is Winston inside?"
"He usually comes later… I think… I've seen him all of three times." He finished, taking the seat with one last effort. "Dare I ask?"
"It was long. Not a complete success, we'll have to see how she goes tomorrow." She'd spent hours trying to fix a young ensign's leg. A victim of a prank gone horribly wrong. "Oh I'm sorry, look at you! How did you get on?" she brushed down the front of his uniform tunic, the gold braid rough under her fingers then took her seat again.
"She's gone. They've gone. "
"Oh…"
"Yes… that's what I thought." He paused, took a sip of wine, tasted notes of oak, apricot, a hint of pear in the end notes.
"What was it like? To see her like that?"
"She's beautiful…" he paused, concentrated on placing the glass back on the table, his hand trembling with the tail-end of his energy. "And now, I suspect, she's lightyears away out where she belongs."
"Jean-Luc… I'm sorry."
"No, no it's okay," he said, turning to face her. "Really, I'm fine. It's the right thing to do. It's just that I suppose I'm going to have to get used to life on terra firma. But then… well then I thought of you, and everything felt better."
She smiled cautiously. In truth, she was struggling through a whole range of wildly vacillating emotions herself. "I can't believe it took us so long."
"Beverly, this isn't how I imagined things working out. I always pictured the two of us… enjoying… I suppose I'm… trying to apologise - I'm sorry."
She was genuinely perplexed, "Whatever for?!"
He gestured to his body, "This. I'm sorry that I'm so… useless. Asleep half the time… exhausted the other half." It wasn't coming out right. His brain was tiring, he was struggling to find the right words.
"Jean-Luc, listen here. You do not have to apologise for anything. You've been sick, seriously sick. I'm just so glad you're still here. Getting to spend any time with you is something I thought I might lose forever and I very much treasure every minute with you – for now at least…" she finished, winking.
He laughed before she stood, recognising how tired he had suddenly become, held out her arm for him to grab. She helped him stand then hooked her arm through his and steered him toward the house.
"I missed you so much… I love you Jean, don't forget that. I've loved you for a long time and now I get to enjoy you – for the rest of our lives. You don't need to be sorry for anything. If all this has taught me anything, it's that we have to seize the moment, no more wasting time."
He couldn't answer, he was concentrating hard on not falling, his limbs felt heavy, uncoordinated. His brain starting to fog… French words coming more easily. As they made their way to the bedroom, he wondered what he'd done to deserve this woman, wished he could articulate the strength of his feeling.
"I… love you." He panted between steps. That would have to do, he didn't have anything left to give.
She guided him to the en suite bathroom of their room, let him lean on her as he washed, brushed his teeth and used the toilet. She helped him peel off the new uniform, then threw it in the garment recycler knowing he wouldn't be needing it for weeks, or even months, yet.
He sat on the edge of the bed in his underwear, pulling helplessly at his pyjama top. His fingers felt like clubs, useless, clumsy. His arms refused to do as he asked, his eyes were closing against his will.
"Here, let me." She whispered, taking the top from him and guiding his arms through the sleeves.
"So…rry"
"It's okay, it's okay… don't worry. I love you, I'm here…" she whispered again, unwilling to break the peace of the moment.
She helped him into his shorts, then helped him get under the blankets, guided his head to the pillow. She smoothed his face, ran her fingers over his closed eyes and down across his chest. She sensed his breathing even out, becoming deeper. The muscles in his face relaxed visibly and his head flopped to one side.
"I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you." She whispered, kissing him on the cheek.
