I was locked in the bathroom, where I'd redressed, when Negan finally had enough of my shit. I heard the lock tumblers roll and then he had the door open and was looming in the frame. Damn it. Why was he so adamant that I NOT lock the damn door if he had a fucking way to unlock it?

"Are you through with your tantrum, Jessi?" His eyes were flashing, but he didn't sound pissed. Weird.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "What if I'd been naked in here? What if I'd been using the facilities?" I glanced at the toilet. "What if I'd been in the shower? What if-"

He rolled his eyes. "Dramatic, aren't you?" He huffed out a breath. "It ain't like I haven't seen what you're packing, sweetheart. You've met my fucking wives."

"Yeah, I like to think that we women aren't ALL THE FUCKING SAME!" I glared at him. "And speaking of 'dramatic', what's the point of telling me not to lock the fucking door if you could just fucking get in anyway?"

He shrugged. "It's fucking easier to get in, if I don't have to fucking pick the damn thing." He gestured for me to get my ass out of the bathroom. "Come on, we've got shit to do."

I brushed past him and grabbed my boots. Once I was ready, he tossed on his jacket and grabbed his best friend, the bat, and whistling led the way outside. The shit we had to do, apparently was oversee the supplies coming in on trucks.

I'm standing beside Negan, fulfilling my duty as his shadow when I hear the shot ring out. Gunfire? Looking up and keeping pace with Negan, we find my little brother holding a machine gun and demanding Negan's head. I didn't see that coming.

Carl killed two Saviors before D tackled him. I'd stood by Negan,his shadow. I could have sworn that I felt a bullet ripple the air next to my head. Did my brother nearly kill me in his quest to take out Negan? I'd felt pretty damn lucky when the target himself used a Savior as a human shield instead of me, but to die at the hands of Carl, well that would have just been pretty much keeping with my life so far.

Did I hear Negan right? Did he say Carl was 'adorable'? I was going to end up dead. Definitely dead simply because I seem to surround myself with men who find the violence we'd been forced to learn to treat as a normal part of life cute or fun. And then, Carl was given the grand tour, with me along for the ride.

I should have been bored, or irritated, but I hadn't really been there when he'd given me my own. I could have done without watching him play king on high on the catwalk addressing his subjects. Seriously, I could live to be a thousand years old and pray that the image is erased from my memory by some magical means and not miss it. Fresh veggies for everyone, without points deduction. Negan doesn't want his people to get scurvy. Let us all give praise, "Amen."

Respect. He thinks that the people cheering because he's granted them free carrots is respect. Yeah, I'm pretty confident that I'll be regaining full access to my lovely nothingness of my inner sanctuary.

We end up back with the harem. They look like dolls. Dressed almost the same, just sitting there waiting to serve their master. I gag internally. Carl looks pretty interested. Great. Wonderful. Now that I'm paying attention, I notice one of the wives takes Negan aside, Sherry I remember. And then I watch him approach another one, and give her a talking to for, wait, she cheated on him? Jesus, am I in Melrose Place?

And then I watch as the wife that cheated assures her husband, that she loves him. OK then. This isn't fucking surreal at all. Then he basically makes out with Sherry. Did I trade my life to watch soap operas play out constantly? Please God don't let it descend into porn.

Negan leads the way into his bedroom. And he glances at me to be sure I'm right on his fucking heels. Of course I am, I think, did you assume I'd stay with your concubines and mingle?

Negan sits and gestures for Carl to take my seat. Well, the seat I'm usually grilled in. I go to take the chair next to my brother, but Negan stops me and pats the empty space beside him on the sofa. Really? I have to slip past his legs and share personal space to get to the open spot. Too close for me. I keep my eyes on the ceiling, but he takes my hips in hand and shifts me over, forcing me to glance down at him. Ugh.

I sit and wait to see what punishment Carl is going to get for the deaths of two of Negan's men. Wasn't that what had caused Abraham's death? My dad and the others killing his men? I wish for the numbness, because right now I'm afraid. Afraid I'll have to watch something horrible happen to Carl.

Negan orders my baby brother to remove Dad's hat, and the bandage that covers the horrible crater that Ron had created with that damn bullet. I watch as Carl tries to argue against it, but as I suspected, this is part of his punishment. Negan reminds him of the two men he killed, so Carl owes him. Carl flashes me a look, is he pleading for me to intervene? Or is he begging me not to look? He takes off Dad's hat, and then unravels the bandage and my heart lurches. My poor baby brother. And Negan? Far from the compassion he'd shown me at first, taunts him. Telling him how disgusting it looks. And I close my eyes so I can't see Carl's pain or his tears.

Negan must notice that I'm taking it as hard as Carl, because I feel his fingers brush my hands clasped in my lap, and then he apologizes to my brother.

A knock comes to the door and I open my eyes. No one ever comes to Negan's room. At least no one had since I've been here. It's a rotund man whom Negan addresses as 'Fat Joseph'. Charming. He was carrying the bat, who apparently has a name. Lucille. And I have to listen to the weirdest exchange over a weapon that I've ever had the misfortune to witness. Negan is speaking about this piece of barbed wire wrapped wood as though it was a woman. And again I feel pretty damn certain that with him leading me through 'recovery', I'll be back to my numb self soon.

The Savior is dismissed. Negan returns to Carl. He tells him that his eye is badass and he wouldn't cover it. That seeing my brother's scar would make sure no one fucked with him. My eyes fall closed again, when Negan asks Carl to sing him something. Again, Carl tries to object, and again he's overruled. When Carl starts singing 'You Are My Sunshine' I cannot stop my tears. Dear God, another crack to what was left of my mask. I feel his fingers brush my hands again, but I keep my eyes shut.

Lori. She used to sing that song to us when we were little. And Carl held on to that memory. Even after- They're talking about her, about what happened. I can feel my heart clench. Feel my fear ratchet up at the thought of Judith. Carl tells Negan that he'd put her down, and my throat is burning from the pain of it. The memory. Negan offers that he understands why Carl's gonna end up a future serial killer and I bend my upper half, folding in on myself.

I feel a hand on my back. It's huge so I know it's Negan's. I'm fighting a building sob, and I try to focus on the fact that he's trying to comfort me, and not on the fact that he created the situation he has to comfort me through. I regain my composure, and he tells Carl and I that the 'iron is ready' and we leave the suite. My arms are wrapped around myself, and I'm desperate to find it. My darkness. The comfort of nothing.

Downstairs, a man is tied to a chair with the fire of a furnace burning before him. Negan gives a speech about rules. Their importance. And I look around at the gathered people. The wives are lined up in front. D is reaching for an iron tucked into the flames, and then before it happens, understanding flows through me in a shock of horror. It's how his face was scarred. It's the punishment. And then it happens. The man tied to the chair, the iron, and the scent of burning flesh.

My chest is heaving as I pant for breath. I can't seem to get any air. Why can't I breathe? I hear the buzzing of Negan's mocking voice. I hear a buzz mentioning forgiveness. I hear a buzz, but nothing clear. And I'm still fighting for air. Negan returns to Carl and I. I'd forgotten my little brother had seen it too. Then Negan's hand is tilting my face up, and he's saying something because I can see his lips moving, but I can't hear them, the words.

"Breathe, Jessi, breathe." It's Carl's voice. I focus on his words, and I work to calm myself to focus on drawing air in and letting it out. Until finally, I can hear the sounds of someone mopping. Of the scraping of a chair across the concrete floor.

When I'm breathing normally, we return to Negan's rooms. And somewhere, downstairs, my brother's gotten his confidence back. He taunts Negan for not killing him. Or Dad. Or Daryl. And I can feel his eyes on me, silently adding me to the list. Instead of proving Carl wrong, he offers a car ride.

I almost believe that I'll get to stay behind. Alone to fall to pieces or to find my way back to the numbness, but I'm not that lucky. I'm included in the invitation. We take a cargo truck. And I'm put between Negan and Carl. I have a flicker of fear that this is going to be the last ride I'll have, that Carl's brash action has doomed us both.