Negan didn't take Carl and me somewhere and ditch our bodies after beating our brains out with his best girl, Lucille. Sadly. Instead, he took us on a road trip. Back to Alexandria. He regaled us, the entire way there with all the ways that he COULD have killed Carl. How he could have forced me to have to watch him put down my baby brother for daring to attack as he had.

I let his bullshit roll over me. I'm learning, slowly, that Negan loves the sound of his own voice. And he truly adores putting fear into the hearts of those who allow it. Instead, I watch out the windshield as we drive along the road. Abandoned cars. A smattering of walkers. And the feeling of being fully aware of everything for the first time in a long time.

When we arrive at the gates, no one dares to stop us from coming inside. With both Carl and me at his side, Negan makes his way to Dad's house. And, instead of walking in like he owns the place, which I'd expected, he knocks. Olivia, the woman who'd kept the inventory for the armory and pantry answered, and I wondered if she was my replacement in my former house.

I can't remember having much interaction with her before, when I was still an Alexandrian. It doesn't strike me as very strange how intimidated she seems by Negan. He's a hard pill to swallow when he's trying to play therapist, but when he's just being himself, well then you see an asshole in full bloom. She tries to get rid of us, because whether she understands or not, Negan and I are a matched set right now. She tells Negan that Dad is out scavenging, that he probably won't be back by the end of today. I wonder if Michonne went with him, and that's why she's here, to watch my baby sister.

She talks about how they're low on supplies, how they're practically starving, and then Negan shows just how fucking charming he is. A raised eyebrow. He looks her up and down and insults her by insinuating that since she's curvy, that he doubts her sincerity. And, yes, I'm editing his bullshit, because it was disgustingly mean. He catches my eye, and sees my glare, so he tries his hand at apologizing.

Of course, this is Negan we're talking about so once he tries to say sorry in his own classy way, he follows up with an offer that has me rolling my damn eyes. "I think it would be enjoyable to screw your brains out. I mean if, you know, you're agreeable to it." Dear fucking Christ, does he have a filter at all?

And Olivia, who I can't recall much about, does something that has me fucking grinning from ear to ear. She slaps him straight across his smug, arrogant face. The crack makes my heart sing.

Negan ruins the fucking experience by telling her, after she rocks his fucking head on his shoulders with that slap, "I'm about fifty percent more into you now. Just saying." Ugh. Seriously? He catches whatever look I have on my face, smirks at me, and winks. Could he be more crude and annoying?

He dismisses her, letting her leave his royal presence to fix lemonade that he knows he left behind. Powered lemonade is his newest whim, and I wonder if Olivia had it in her to fucking poison him.

Of course, we couldn't just drop my little brother off at home, get back in the damn box-truck, and head the fuck back from whence we came. Now, where would Negan's fun be in that?

Olivia, acting as though I'm an enemy too, stays in the house as Negan takes a grand tour. Taking off his boots, testing the carpet in Carl's room with his bare feet, I have to wonder if he's truly enjoying the feel of it because of the novelty, or if he's checking to see if wiping his bare ass across it would cause him discomfort. Watching the steady stream of water as though he's never had it before. He looked around what had been my room with interest. Uncomfortable interest, as though he'd find something more about me. Good luck.

And then, as we passed the room where Judith sleeps, he goes to open the door and I shake my head and tell him it's just another empty room. He squints at me, and puts his hand on the doorknob.

"Really?" I ask him, raising my eyebrow. "Why are you interested in empty rooms?"

He calls my bluff and opens the door, and there she is. My little sister, the ONLY thing I regret leaving behind. And the ONE person in the world that I wanted to protect, from him, from the world at large and he's found her.

"Oh my!" He doesn't raise his voice, as he draws nearer to her, and handing Carl his precious Lucille, he almost seems in awe of her. "Look at this little angel." And then she's in his arms, and he's being incredibly gentle with her, as he looks over her sweet blonde curls at me. His tenderness is a surprise, even if he'd never shown me the mean streak I knew ran in him.

Judith is holding a stuffed elephant as he bounces her gently in his arms. He takes a minute to study her, and then looks once again at me. And I wonder at the clear question in his eyes. What could Negan possibly want with this? With Dad's life? With mine?

Negan makes himself at home in Dad's house. He shaves with Dad's straight razor, giving Carl advice like "against the grain, always go against the grain". He'd handed Judith to me before he went into the bathroom, and I started to turn away, to take her somewhere alone, but he stopped me. "No, sweetheart, you both stay." Shooting a look at my brother he corrects himself. "All three of you stay." Which is why I'm having my unscheduled visit with my baby sister in full view of the man I'd assumed would kill me.

While he's shaving, giving out advice to Carl, he keeps watching me with her. As I quietly talk to her, running my hand down her soft curls, and checking her for signs that she missed me. Even a tiny bit. I can't stop myself from kissing her head. From entertaining her with her stuffed animal. And I work hard to block out Negan's interest. Pretending that he's not filing my reactions away for another round of my therapy when we head back to his domain.

He fixes dinner. Spaghetti sauce from scratch. Noodles, obviously. And the enlists Carl to make rolls. Me? For once, since I offered myself in Glenn's place, he allowed me to sit at the dining room table and have peace away from him. Still in view, of course, but at a distance. With Judith. And get lost in her, if only for a little bit.

Olivia returned with the lemonade, and I could feel her glaring at me. Her urge to grab Judith from my arms, to keep her safe from ME was clear as a bell on her face. I could also tell that Negan had noticed. "Be a lamb, Olivia, be a lamb." He was reiterating what he'd said when he requested the lemonade earlier, only now the term that I'd taken as a taunt to the other woman, took on a new meaning. A warning, I could hear it in his voice. A threat, a reminder of who he was, and that I was with him was so evident that she rushed into the kitchen to make the drink.

Once dinner was prepared, we settled around the table, looking for all the world like a family dinner with a tinge of hostage situation. There's an extra place setting, but I'm so wrapped up in my baby sister that I don't pay attention to the why. I'd kept Judith on my lap, but we didn't start to eat. Negan, clearly waiting for something, or someone. And I knew, he was holding dinner for Dad. A picture he'd created, a scene that would fuck with Dad's head a little bit more. His children, a member of his community, and the very man who'd bested him, around his very own dining room table with a meal fit for a Sunday dinner from before the world turned to shit.

Negan has the patience of a toddler. Eventually he realized that Dad wasn't going to return just because he'd set the stage. He finally gave in and asked Carl to pass the rolls. I hated to admit it, and I damn sure wouldn't let him know, but he made a sauce that rivaled the Italian place that I'd loved while at college. I fed Judith from her own plate. I drank a bit of the lemonade that Olivia had made. And I tried, very hard, to ignore the feeling that Negan was watching me closely.

After eating, Negan decided it was perfect weather to sit on the porch and take in the scenery. He held out his arms, once he'd taken off his jacket, and I reluctantly handed Judith back to him. He took one chair and Carl took another. Negan looked like he was enchanted by my little sister. That in her he saw something that he hadn't seen in far too long. Did I trust it? That he wasn't dangerous to her? No. I didn't. Not because he'd shown violence to me or her, but because the need to keep her safe. The need to make sure that she remained innocent of the world and its dangers was one of the few things that I'd never felt numb to was amplified by my mask developing the cracks that Negan's meddling had created.

I leaned against the banister in front of them. Close to Negan, since she was in his arms, and I hadn't noticed that Carl's eyes were taking in my behavior, and Negan's.

"So my sister doesn't get to sit?" He bit out, glaring with his one unruined eye. "She has to stay quiet, she has to just blindly follow you around?"

I closed my eyes to his challenge. He didn't get it. And I had a feeling no one, not even the rest of my family understood. Why I'd done it, why I had to stay beside him. Carl didn't see me. No better than anyone else had. Dad had only had a glimpse, and even he didn't get it.

"Have you seen me order her to stand?" Negan asked. "Have you seen me tell her not to look at you or speak to you?" He was challenging my brother's assumptions. "Jesus, were you this fucking blind before you lost your eye?" I opened my eyes to see him cradling Judith to his chest. His voice stayed low, quite even, careful not to scare her. "I've been thinking about what you'd said earlier, Carl. Maybe it is stupid keeping you and your dad alive." He pulled Judith forward, bouncing her on his knee and seemingly speaking to her. "I mean why am I trying so hard? Maybe I should just bury you both down there in those flower beds." A gesture to the manicured lawn in front of us. He was staring into Judith's tiny face, smiling and chuckling. "And then I can just settle in the suburbs."

My heart clenched. Fear blossoming in my chest at the thought that my deal with him was all for nothing. That my brother's actions, that his clear challenge of Negan's power and his seeming inability to wipe all of us out was a sign that he was weak.

We'd gone back inside Dad's house. Negan grew tired of taunting my brother and the neighbors. Judith was fussy, too much excitement I'd guessed. He'd given her back to me, watching as I rocked her in my arms and hummed to her. He followed me upstairs to put her down for her nap. Ignoring the dagger glare of Olivia, ignoring Carl's unasked questions, the hurt that had flickered across his face when he decided that my silence was my own choice.

I was staring down at Judith as she drifted off to sleep clutching her elephant. Leaving her, today, would be more painful than my realization that I'd given her up for the 'greater good' had been. Holding her, feeling the rush of feelings that I'd gone numb to, the unconditional love I had for her, made it all the rawer. He watched me, leaning in the doorway, keeping his distance, letting me have this at least.

"I wouldn't have taken you for the maternal type, Jessi." He kept his voice down, so Judith could rest. "I didn't know that you fucking had her here, that she depended on you." I could feel the intensity of his attention. "That you sacrificed your need for HER when you offered your life to me."

I hadn't noticed the tear falling. Didn't even feel the usual burn warning that I would cry. His thumb brushed it from my cheek, startling me since I hadn't heard him come closer. I kept my head down, drinking in Judith's tiny person. Savoring it, memorizing it, so I could take this little piece of her with me.

"Do you want to stay?" It was barely a breath. "Jessi, do you want to stay?"

I shook my head. A deal was a deal. And I wasn't a shirker. Plus, I'd seen the look on Olivia's face. The judgement. The insinuation that I was a traitor. A turncoat. In bed, I imagined her look inferred, with the enemy.

"No, I don't want to stay." I answered, keeping my voice as quiet as he did. "There's nothing left here for me, nothing aside from her." I couldn't stop myself from running my hand down her back. Touching the softness that I'd taken care of for so damn long. "And she has other people for that now, to keep her safe." It hurt to acknowledge that I was so easily replaced. That Dad had handed her care, her safety over without effort.

He left me there, letting me have my quiet and solace in the company of a sleeping little girl that had become my only reason to keep the motions going. The only reason that I kept up my mask. The only reason that I'd survived, even if I wasn't living.