Negan returned to the apartment around dinner time. He was carrying our food with him and smiled when I approached him to help. He'd looped Lucille into his belt, but he was still doing some juggling. We sat in our usual spots, began eating, while I waited. Waited for him to tell me what was coming next.
"I'm going back to Alexandria tomorrow." He told me between bites. "I want you to stay here, Jessi." I was confused. Why? "What's going to happen tomorrow, what I have to expect will go to shit in some way, I don't want you there."
I swallowed the last bite I'd taken. "Why?" I was scared, why wouldn't he want me there? I'd been with him every other time. "How bad are things going to go?"
He sighed and sat back, his food forgotten. He ran his hand over his face, and I realized it was his catch all gesture. Depending on the conversation it could mean frustration, irritation, unease, or even that he was trying to get his words in order.
Negan's eyes met mine. "If Sasha isn't as cooperative as she's trying to convince me she is, then I have to prepare for a trap." I swallowed, wondering who would be dealt the worse blows. "I can't-" he closed his eyes, collecting himself. "I won't chance you bargaining with your life for one of mine, Jessi. I won't."
He thought it was going to go so bad that I'd make ANOTHER deal? This time with my own family? The thought that it had gotten so damn bad, even after I'd tried to stop it, made me so tired. Tired of Dad's insatiable need to stay on top. Tired that it didn't matter what anyone did, death and blood were always going to be the only constants, the only things that wouldn't end or change in our world.
"Do I get to know what any of the plans are?" I wasn't sure I wanted to, or if I should. Either side may think I'm the enemy or a double agent.
He shook his head. "I need you to understand, sweetheart, this ISN'T about you. It's not about whether I trust you." He patted his lap and I moved to sit with him. He cradled me against his chest, holding me as he continued. "You just surfaced, Jessi, you just came back to what you must have been like before." Close, I thought, but not completely. "I can't risk you becoming reckless with your own fucking life. Not again. Not for me. Not for one of my people. Not for the chance that Rick or your redneck MIGHT call whatever's coming off." I felt his lips brush my forehead. "I meant what I said, you're worth a thousand of every single one of them."
I listened to his heart beating against my ear. Had it really only been this morning that I woke up like this? Pressed against him, listening to his heart, letting his scent envelope me as his body heat warmed me. It felt so natural now. Being comforted by him, feeling the way his hands and arms curved around me, there wasn't a hesitation or an awkwardness.
"I didn't ask you to go to the cell with me as a test," he was saying. "I wanted to take you, to show her that you were OK." He sighed. "I keep thinking that they're going to come to rescue you, that they get how fucking special you are." I snuggled tighter against his chest. "When I saw how that chick at Rick's house LOOKED at you, I thought, alright so some of your people were stupid. But then I started thinking. Carl didn't come for you. He came to kill me. He came to show himself, and your people what a bad ass he was." I felt his lips brush the top of my head. "I wanted them to prove me wrong, Jessi. To prove to me that they fucking get that people are important. That YOU are important. And they keep fucking failing." Another sigh.
"When they told me about Sasha being caught, I thought, here's another woman. A woman from Alexandria. Maybe, just fucking maybe, she'd come for you. But I saw how she looked at you, and I knew, they didn't only NOT get that you're fucking important, they've written you off. A loss, a turncoat. Who would do that?" I felt him shake his head above me in frustration. "Your dad, he asked for you to be allowed to come home ONCE. One time, and when we went back? Neither of them seemed to fucking SEE that you were right fucking there. There, freely roaming the house you'd shared, taking care of YOUR baby sister like you'd never left, and NOT one fucking look or word."
One of his hands slid up my arm, and feeling the rough pads of his fingers against the bar skin of my arm peeking out from his shirt made my eyes flutter closed. Then his other hand met my neck and its mate touched my chin and tilted my head up, pulling me away from his chest, and his lips met mine. I could feel him pouring into me every single ounce of his belief that I was worth more. More than any of my people seemed to understand. More than Dad, Daryl, or Carl seemed to place on me.
My mouth opened for him, and as out tongues touched, I knew that I had to have this, whatever it was that we were starting, I needed it. Him. This. My fingers were sliding through his hair, and I was straddling him. The kiss deepened, and I felt like the world stopped moving. Nothing existed except him, me, and this. A different type of escape. And I prayed it was a healthier one.
His hands left my neck and chin, and were curving under my ass, supporting me as he stood up from the couch and walked to the bed. And then I was prone under him, his weight pressing me down into the softness of the mattress, his mouth still memorizing mine. When he pulled away, I had to bite back a groan. My eyes opened, looking up into his face, and seeing everything I wanted and needed reflected.
"Jessi," his voice was raw, like sandpaper, "tell me you want this too? Tell me that you want it, and me, and that it's NOT because you think it's part of the deal?" I curved my hand around his neck and tried pulling him back to me, but he held firm. "I need to know, Jessica. I need to know that this is what you want, sweetheart. I won't-we won't, not if I know that it's your choice."
I swallowed, and let my fingers play in the hair at his neck. "I want you, Negan, please." And that's all it took for his mouth to claim mine again. A moan built in the back of my throat as his hands roamed down to the hem of his shirt, the one he'd given me to replace my own.
Our lips only left one another's out of necessity. To get rid of our shirts, my bra, his pants, my pants. Then there was only my panties and his boxers between us, and he rocked into my covered core and I felt just how much he wanted me. This. Us. He swallowed my moan as I rocked up into him and he had to pull his mouth away so he could growl out "fuck" at the feeling.
Our eyes met, and then the last of our clothes were gone. My hands were clutching his shoulders as he arched his body into mine, filling me. How long had it been since I had this? With Daryl? Had it felt like this? Negan stilled, pelvis tight against mine, and his forehead met mine.
"Jesus, Jessi," it came out half prayer, half moan. I rolled my hips and he was forced to close his eyes at the sensation. "Keep that up, princess, and this won't last nearly long enough."
I smiled and rolled again, wrapping my legs around his body and changing the angle. Letting him go in just a bit further. I moaned at the feeling. Dear God. "Move, Negan, please." Pleading, asking for it, seemed to spur him on.
He picked a torturous pace. Slow, eyes locked on mine, watching as he pulled himself almost entirely from my body before sliding just as slowly all the way back inside. Letting me feel every single inch of him, every curve, every vein, while he seemed to be memorizing how I felt wrapped around him. He could feel when I clenched against him, watched when I moaned and sighed at the feelings he was reteaching me.
Negan his pace, his body, kept the need for a release building in me. Until I begged. Until I pleaded with him to give me more, harder, faster, more. And he seemed more than happy to oblige. I was a mess under him. His name released from my lips as a plea, a prayer, a moan, and finally a scream. I felt him, when he'd coaxed me to feel pleasure beyond counting, finally move toward his own. And as he climbed toward his own climax, he brought me with him one more time.
He was on top of me, his full weight bearing down on me, as our heart beats slowed, our breathing synced, and our bodies cooled from the heat that had spread. Negan's face was buried into my neck, his breath fanning my skin, and our hands were still touching one another, searching for confirmation. For the proof that we'd both just felt that. Together.
"Jessica Grimes." He sounded hoarse, as though we'd been talking for hours, instead of this. "Just another Tuesday?" It was a joke, but it wasn't mocking. And I laughed under him.
Turning my face, he lifted his to meet me. Our lips met and he rolled off, pulling me back to lay over him. When I pulled away, staring into his dark eyes, smiling I offered. "You promised to make every day Tuesday."
Laughter rolled around us as he pulled the blankets over us and tucked my head under his chin. "Sleep, Jessi," I felt his lips on my head. "I've got a big day tomorrow."
Even with the pleasant exhaustion we'd created together, I felt the fear tugging at my heart. Tomorrow would bring changes, good or bad, to my world. Changes that I'd play no part in. And I wondered, as sleep fought to take me under, who would I lose in this war? And whose loss would break me this time?
