Showering with Negan was an interesting experience to say the least. While in theory we'd gone in to get him ready for his day, he took the opportunity to take care of me. Making sure the water was just the right temperature, pulling me inside with him, he gently held me under the stream of water letting it dampen my hair. He shampooed the full length of my hair, massaging my scalp with his blunt nails, and rinsing every sign of the bubbles free from the tangled mass. He washed every inch of me, making sure I was perfectly clean, before standing before me and drinking in the entire vision of me.
Negan shook his head and licked his lips. "Jessica Grimes, you're gorgeous." And then his head lowered and his lips brushed mine.
My arms wrapped around his neck and my body molding into his. Negan was lean and hard from top to bottom and feeling his skin flush against mine was enough to inflame me again. Pressing me against the wall of the shower, our mouths feasted feeling like we couldn't get enough of one another, and I knew that's exactly how I felt for him. When I felt him slide into me, I pulled my mouth free with a gasp. Jesus, would it always feel like this? Like the first time?
Negan urged me on, talking to me, reminding me of how beautiful he found me. How hot, and tight, how wet, I was wrapped around him. His voice, always deep and rough, was somehow harsher with his need. My legs were tight around his hips and I rocked back into his thrusts, feeling like we couldn't be close enough. My mouth sought his and we swallowed one another's screams as we came.
Once my legs stopped shaking, Negan let me slide down so my feet were beneath me. Standing against the shower wall, I looked up at him and knew that he had to return to me. We'd just begun, and I would die if it ended before we knew one another better. I took his hand and pulled him under the spray from the shower-head, and cleaned him as he had me. Washing his hair, as he leaned down for me to reach, then every inch of his skin, because if he worshiped me, then I couldn't possibly deny him his own.
The water was shut off, we were wrapped in our towels, and Negan kept me by his side. We dried off, he gave me another one of his shirts, and I had to wonder why he kept clothing me in his own clothes. The marketplace had clothing, I'd noticed during Carl's tour.
"I like seeing you in them," he answered, pulling on his jeans and shirt, and clearly reading my mind. He was smiling down at me as I pulled it over my head without my bra. "Jessi, you're killin' me with that."
I smiled back at him, thinking that anything that made it harder for him to leave, would make it easier for him to keep himself safe and come back. "It's not like I leave the rooms when you aren't beside me." I shrugged, reminding him that I was his captive, but feeling not the least bit upset by it.
Negan's eyes met mine as he pulled on his boots. I was standing in his shirt and my panties and his eyes had slid up my body from my feet to my eyes. I could see the sharp intake of his breath, see his eyes darken, and I waited for him to say or do something. "You're not a prisoner, Jessi." His voice was quiet, and once his boots were on he stood and approached me. "I'll leave someone outside the door, if you want something to eat, other than the meals that I've told them to send up, tell him. If you want to take a walk, tell him." His hands cupped my face and his thumbs brushed my cheeks. "Just remember, Carl knows how to get here, and I can't be sure that leaving here and going there won't open up the Sanctuary for attack." I started to speak, but he cut me off. "I have protections in place, but they only work if you're safe inside. In these rooms."
I nodded, and swallowed the fear I felt rearing its head. "What if-" I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask. What if they come while he's away? What if my own family attacks the place I'm being kept, and I'm put in danger by them? What if they 'rescue' me? What if he doesn't come back? The last one was too scary to even think, much less voice.
He shushed me and kissed my lips gently. "Don't worry, sweetheart." His eyes met mine again and he was smiling. "I will come back. You will be safe." He was searching my face, looking for signs that I was slipping back inside myself. "Stay with me, Jessica Grimes." And I wasn't sure, if he meant in my own mind, or with him here forever. His lips met mine before I could ask, and I fell into the feeling of him and his mouth. When he pulled away, he groaned. "Did I mention I hate this?" I nodded. "I do, I hate the entire fucking mess. Going there, leaving you, the entire damn thing sucks balls." He sighed and pulled completely away from me. Negan pulled on his leather jacket and pulled out his red scarf.
I walked up and took the scarf from his hands. Throwing it over his head, and looping it around his neck, I smiled at him as I worked. I zipped up his jacket, and inhaled as I took Lucille from her spot leaning against the sofa. I handed the bat to him and sighed. It was time. Time to say goodbye.
His hand came up to touch my face again, tilting my chin to stare into my face. "I will be safe, Jessi. I will. And I'll be back beside you before you know it."
I grabbed the lapels of his jacket in my hands and used the leverage, coupled with standing on my toes to press my lips against his. "You'd better, Negan." I sounded stronger than I could remember sounding. "Come back to me."
He brushed my lips with his again. "Nothing could stop me, princess, nothing."
Our goodbye didn't need the words, the mere knowledge that he understood that I needed the reassurance, and I needed to give it back to him was enough. Watching him walk out the door, looking back at me after he'd introduced the man who would stand at the door, seeing that he needed a final look meant more than I could ever tell him. It meant that walking away from me was as difficult for him as watching him walk away was for me. And that was more than I'd been given in a very long time.
While Negan was gone, I stayed in his rooms. I ate the meals that came. I looked out the windows. I walked the floors. I found a few books, and picking one, I lay down on the sofa he usually sat on and read. I got lost in the words, I got lost in the story, I let myself get lost so I wouldn't fold in on myself and let the darkness pull me away. I paid little attention to the passage of time. I ate breakfast when Negan left. I ate lunch when it interrupted my reading. I ignored the change in the shadows as the sun moved across the sky outside the window.
Negan returned before the day ended. I could hear the walkie the man outside the door flare to life. I could hear the excited voices. I heard the commotion as they came roaring back. It was incredibly loud, and since Negan's rooms were on the back side of the compound, it was jarring.
The man he'd left outside the room knocked and I rushed to open the door. "Negan asked that I bring you to him." I nearly rushed out, but the man's eyes on my bare legs reminded me that I was still in just Negan's shirt and my panties.
I shut the door and rushed to pull on my bra, tug on a pair of pants, and slide my feet into my boots. I reopened the door and started out, but the man stopped me. "Stay behind me?" It wasn't an order, but I stopped. "Just in case." And I nodded. Just in case of what, I was too scared to ask.
We met Negan in the same room he dished out punishment. As soon as I saw him, I rushed past my companion, coming to a stop only when I could feel the heat of his body. I did a fast, but thorough visual inventory. Aside from his red scarf, he looked like he had when he'd left. He set Lucille down and opened his arms and I practically leapt into them. His hands clutched at my back and I felt his face press into my hair. I also felt both of our tension leave us, feeling with our hands and arms that the other was safe was making both of us breathe easier.
"Jessi," his voice wasn't loud enough for the people surrounding us to overhear. "Christ, I-" And this time it was me that cut him off, pulling back and drawing his face to mine. Letting my kiss tell him just how fucking happy that I was that he'd returned, safe to me. His forehead met mine when our lips parted. His eyes looked tight, unlike his body which had lost most of his stress. "I need to tell you, before I tell the others."
He pulled me away from the people he'd been standing with when I'd come into the room. Lucille was back in his hand, clearly he didn't feel safe enough to leave her behind, not even the few steps he'd moved us. I waited, feeling the fear rebuild inside of me. Something had gone wrong. Something had made him look like this, with tight eyes and unease dripping off of him.
"Your people, Jessi," he started, running his hand down his face in that same gesture I was growing to expect. "They, your dad, he's pushed me toward this." He was explaining, but not fully. "I have to do this, Jessi, I have to." I was squinting up at him, unsure of what he was getting at. "I'm declaring war, Jessica. On Rick, on your people."
I felt the breath leave me, but oddly it wasn't the same as when I'd watched the doctor die. Just as though I'd been punched in the stomach, knocking the breath out of me. They'd done this. They'd created a world where nothing, but fighting and death had to continue. They hadn't even considered me, or what I'd think. Instead, they'd made this happen. I closed my eyes, feeling Negan draw closer to me. I felt his thumb brushing away a tear I hadn't felt fall.
"I wouldn't have even considered it, Jessi. It's such a damn waste." I nodded, he didn't have to explain, not now.
I opened my eyes, and took a deep breath. "When?" I wanted to know when to expect it, when I could expect to see my family attack. When I should be prepared to watch people I knew and cared about die or try to kill the man in front of me. Prepare to lose people, possibly to lose my own life, since they didn't even seem to remember me at all.
I stood behind Negan when he walked outside to announce that they were going to war. I listened as they agreed. And then, after it was done, I walked back to his rooms with him and wondered would I be ready?
