Negan tried to make peace with me in the morning. I didn't argue with him. I didn't push him away. I also didn't agree to becoming wife number whatever.
I knew he was thinking that I was falling back into who I'd been when I walked out of the trees when he had my family on their knees in the dirt before him. While I was stuck in my head, it wasn't searching for the darkness. Nowhere was tempting, but more tempting was finding a way free.
I wanted to be free of everything and everyone. I didn't want to stay at the Sanctuary. I didn't want to return to Alexandria. I knew that I could expect a chilly reception at Hilltop, given Negan's mention of removing their doctor. I wasn't sure where I could go, but I knew that I needed to be free of every expectation. Of the looks that Negan shot me when he tried to engage me in conversation and got the bare minimum. Of the pressure of being Rick Grimes' oldest daughter. Free of the urge to take away the stress, pain, and guilt from those I loved.
I took more walks. I was a regular on the grounds now. No one blinked at my presence. I even saw smiles and a few waves. I returned each one, absently, because I couldn't afford to garner suspicion.
Apparently I wasn't as good at hiding my lack of interest in the Sanctuary, its people, or my surroundings at all, because almost a week into the tension surrounding Negan and me one of his higher ranking Saviors approached me. I vaguely recalled seeing him at the meeting Negan had called right after the declaration of war. He reminded me of his name, Gavin, and I waited to see what message Negan had sent him with since he'd begun checking in through whichever person happened to be on hand that particular day.
"You look as though you'd rather be anywhere but here." He mentioned offhandedly. My hackles raised. Was this a test? Negan sending someone outside to tempt me into what? Admitting that I'd rather be dead? Or something more punishment worthy?
He was older than me, but so was Negan and Daryl. Perhaps that was the plot, try to tempt me with a similar type? Well, he'd have to do better than this poor weak chinned man. "I feel like I repeat this a great deal, but where I am pretty much doesn't fucking matter to me." I offered as I glanced around, taking in the fact that the 'guard' who had walked with me outside was gone. "You taking over babysitting duty?"
He chuckled. "You feel like he doesn't trust you?" His face showed true mirth at the idea of it. "He trusts you." I shrugged. OK, so?
"Not babysitting. Making random observations about me. I have to wonder why you're here?" Turning away from the man and staring out over the scarce landscape, I waited.
Gavin sighed. "His head isn't in the game because you have him tied into knots." Another shrug from me. "Look, I'm not gonna tell you to put on the wife uniform and get over it. Not my place, but seeing how you've been studying the gates with so much interest, I thought I'd ask if you need out?"
Out? On a longer walk? Or OUT? "Out?" I wanted him to fill in the blanks. I was a cop's offspring, after all.
"Out. Gone. Not here." Spell it out he did. "If you're not here, and God knows what your people have planned, maybe the boss can get his shit together."
I felt my heart pounding against my chest. It couldn't be this simple. My want gets delivered so easily. "He'd send people after me." I said, still not facing him. "He sent them after the couple."
Gavin snorted. "Yeah, because she was ALREADY wearing the uniform. And D was one of his most trusted." I squinted at the bare patch of road I could see from my position. "You? You're just ONE person who he can't afford to rush after. Going after you would make him look desperate. Negan doesn't do desperation."
In public, I added, because I'd seen the man look desperate. What if he was right? What if I could go? Be gone and for once NOT witness the madness? "Hypothetically speaking, how?"
"We have cars all over. Gassed up, supplies, weapons all within walking distance, as long as you know where to go." He said, and I could hear him chewing more words. "That is if you hypothetically wanted to leave."
I took a deep breath. "And you'd be the 'Savior' to help me?" I wanted to know what his deal was. Why would this man, one of Negan's loyal, offer this out to me?
"I want us to win. I want us to be alive at the end of whatever bullshit is coming." His voice was strained. "I have a feeling that you ain't going back to your people. Why not send you safely out? I don't get anything out of your death, but you leaving? Hopefully that'll get us a fully functioning boss. Because I think you know that Negan ain't up to snuff right now."
I swallowed. If I trusted him and he was setting me up, then what do I lose? My life? Hadn't I wanted that permanent out for such a long time that I couldn't remember not thinking that death was something to pray for? Or Negan would punish me, mark me, scar me for wanting to go, lock me up and throw away the key. Again, hadn't I expected as much when I learned he was bringing me here?
"Tell me what to do." I said, turning to face him.
Finding the car was simple. Getting away wasn't. Gavin had to give me the window of opportunity, and I had to find a way to get away from my usual babysitters. Then I had to be as stealthy as possible before a real alarm could be raised that I wasn't where I should be. Luckily for me, my babysitter wasn't really quick to announce that he'd lost sight of me. Or that I wasn't in all my usual haunts. I hoped that the note I'd left hidden where Negan could find it when he searched his rooms would allay his fears, his urge to come after me. I hoped he believed me when I swore I wasn't going back to Alexandria. That I wasn't searching out my family or returning to the fold. I prayed that he'd read it and KNOW that I meant it. Every single word.
I found the car about a mile from the gate. Gavin hadn't lied when he said that they supplied them and kept a cache of weapons in them. Nothing magnificent, but enough to keep me safe and nourished until I found a place. I found the keys hidden where he'd told me. And I gave a silent prayer of gratitude for that.
I drove out of the empty town bordering the Sanctuary, trying to decide where to go. I could always find a place to park, live out of the car and travel when the walkers showed up as they inevitably would. Or, there must be other communities. Somewhere that my last name wouldn't matter. Somewhere that I could blend in and wait.
Wait for news of the war. Wait for news of deaths. Or wait for death itself.
And so, with this in mind, I drove to the one place I was sure that no one would care who I was. A place that I'd heard Jesus mention aside from Hilltop. A place called the Kingdom.
The truth is that it's difficult for me to find this "Kingdom" at first because, well, when Jesus mentioned it, I wasn't exactly myself. I drove and tried to capture anything that Dad may have said about it. I knew he hadn't gone there, but Jesus had mentioned that it was another group that had to give tribute to the Saviors.
I was less afraid by being seen by whomever would pick up the tribute, than I was having others find me. Anyone who would expect me to be me. Anyone who would look at me like I failed everyone.
I found it on my second day outside the Sanctuary. Travel in circles enough, I suppose you'd find just about anything. And when I say I found it, I mean that I was approached by people on freaking horseback. Wearing a form of cobbled together armor, I thought I must have died along the way, because this was the weirdest shit I'd seen thus far.
"Who are you?" One of the men asks me, when they come across me on a road in the middle of what I took as nowhere.
I was leaning against the hood of the car, having just stopped to figure out my next move. "Jessica Grimes, and you?" I replied, going fully nonchalant, while still feeling the calmness of the blade I had tucked in the waist of my jeans.
"Grimes?" Another man asked, and I was ready to facepalm. Shit, did he actually know Dad? He turned away from me and the others turned with him. A brief, yet animated conversation ensued. When they turned back to face me, he ordered me to come with them, and I nearly argued. It was seeing one of the men hold up a crossbow aimed at my head that stopped me.
"Where am I going, exactly?" I asked, moving toward the drivers' side door of the car. I was ordered to stop. Great, so I guess my extra weapons and supplies were going to be fucking left behind. "There are weapons in here, don't you want to confiscate them?" Try to show you're helpful, and not scared or intimidating.
One of the men motioned me to come closer to them, but another stopped me and demanded I remove the knife I assumed was carefully hidden. Fighting the urge to roll my eyes, I pulled it free and tossed it to the ground. Another man disembarked from his horse and came toward me. "I'm going to do a quick pat down," he offered, hands out to show me he wasn't armed. I nodded and he did what he said, no lingering touches or inappropriate moves. Finding none, I was told to go to the man who'd motioned me before.
"Give me your hand," another command. I held my hand above my head and he tugged me closer, and I finally understood, he wanted to get me onto the horse with him. He also wanted me in front of him, better to keep an eye on me, no doubt. Once I was seated, I took note that the man who had patted me down was looting the car.
"It still has gas," I offered, thinking why not just fucking take the entire thing? He shook his head and finished his rummaging for anything worth taking. He returned to his horse, burdened with all the supplies and weapons he'd found. He bundled them and then he got back on his horse and we were off.
No one spoke as they took me back to wherever. But once I crossed into their community, I finally realized that I'd found it. Even if technically they found me, I was where I'd wanted to go. The Kingdom.
