Mr. Collins stole this chapter in the re-write.
Chapter 18: Finally, I Saw Her Again
The following day Mr. Collins called on us. First, he bowed very low and kept his bow for several agonizing seconds. Then he gradually rolled up before turning more exactly in my aunt's direction and then deeply bowing again. He then repeated this gesture to each of us, a bow for me, a bow for Georgiana, a bow for Edwin and finally a bow for Anne. I do not know if he did not notice Mrs. Annesley and Mrs. Jenkinson in the corner, where they were companionably chatting together over some embroidery, or thought them unworthy of such a show of respect.
Once he was done bowing, Lady Catherine gave a little sigh. "As I have told you before, Mr. Collins, we hardly need this level of courtesy before every visit begins. Did not I tell you, Mr. Collins, that you need not visit so often once my guests arrived?"
Mr. Collins bowed again and while he bowed said, "I am terribly sorry if I have disappointed you, Lady Catherine. I only live to serve." He straightened himself up and hesitated in sitting before Lady Catherine gestured to a seat well removed from her.
Once Mr. Collins sat, he addressed Lady Catherine again. "Oh, how fortunate I am to be welcomed into your magnificent abode, Lady Catherine, and to be able to greet your niece and nephews, so soon after their arrival. Mr. Darcy, how wonderful to see you again. This must be your sister, the enchanting, most musically gifted, Miss Darcy and your cousin, another nephew to my most beneficent patroness, whose reputation as a most noble Colonel in his Majesty's Calvary naturally precedes you."
"How kind of you," Edwin responded. His words were right, but something seemed odd about his tone.
Mr. Collins continued on, "Of course, it is not really the first time I had the pleasure, at least for you, Colonel Fitzwilliam, as I was blessed to get a glance of you and Mr. Darcy the very moment you rode by me yesterday. While I did not see Miss Darcy inside her carriage," he gave her a little nod of acknowledgment, "I certainly did see its fine design with the Darcy crest. However, I might have missed all of this, had Lady Catherine not informed me that she anticipated your party would be arriving sometime in the afternoon yesterday. Therefore, I made it my business to watch for your horses and carriages out of my window in the parlor. I angled my chair to spy you at the earliest you might be visible, as I have quite a good view from there."
"And so, you just sat and waited for us?" Edwin asked. I could not decide exactly what his tone might mean.
"Why certainly. It was the most important event to occur for many a day! I was in such anticipation that I kept getting up from my seat. It was fortunate indeed for me that I was up when the first trace of your party showed as I was able to hurry out posthaste so as to pay you all," his eyes alighted on each of us individually, "the respect that close relations of Lady Catherine deserve." Mr. Collins paused in his monologue to take out his handkerchief. He began mopping his sweating brow (it was rather warm as is usual when Anne is attendance the fire is always built up).
"Mrs. Collins was so pleased to hear of your arrival, Mr. Darcy, although she did not see you just then as she was busy entertaining her sister and my cousin from our back parlor." Here I listened more intently, hoping to hear something more of Miss Elizabeth. But I was sorely disappointed as despite my careful attendance to his conversation, Mr. Collins made no further reference to her for the rest of his conversation.
Mr. Collins waxed long about how kind Lady Catherine was in seeing that the parsonage should be most appropriately fitted up for him and his wife, explaining, "I have only been married since January and Mrs. Collins has made me the happiest of men. She is everything a humble parson such as me should desire. Mrs. Collins was most pleased to hear of your arrival as I told her just as soon as I came back in from the lane."
Just then, a servant came in, bowed to Lady Catherine and announced, "Please forgive the interruption, but it is my understanding that you wished to consult with Cook about the meals and she has just come back now."
Lady Catherine rose quickly (so the rest of us men stood at once) and said, "I am sorry to be called away, but I am sure you shall wish to become better acquainted with my guests, Mr. Collins."
"That would be most lovely," Mr. Collins responded, giving her another deep bow which he held until Lady Catherine left the room. He sat down several moments after the rest of us, mopped at his brow again and then continued in his soliloquy.
"Although I wished to call on you, Mr. Darcy, Miss Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam, that same day, Mrs. Collins informed me that you would need time to refresh yourselves and get settled and, wise woman that she is, suggested that I wait and call on you this morning. I had hoped our whole household might do so, but this morning Mrs. Collins was occupied with helping her sister practice her drawing." Mr. Collins gave a little grimace then which seemed pained, almost as if them not coming with him caused him a physical pain. Perhaps it did.
"I hope you will not mind if . . ." Mr. Collins did not wait for an answer before he removed his coat. I soon saw why he had done so as then it became evident how overheated he was as his shirt had deep stains of sweat around his arm pits. ". . . I would never presume if in the company of Lady Catherine, but it is rather warm in here."
Mr. Collins pulled his hands up by his shoulders and then flapped his arms a couple of times in a vague attempt to dry them. Without a coat, his bulging stomach was more in evidence, as confined to his waistcoat in a reddish shade of brown. I was suddenly struck by the fact that he resembled nothing so much as a chicken flapping her wings, with his stomach standing in as the hen's large breasts. He bobbled his head slightly, which only added to the effect. I had to press my lips tightly together to refrain from laughing.
Mr. Collins next words seemed almost entirely focused on me. He praised my condescension in writing to me, allowing that this generosity was more than he could ever deserve. He talked on and on. If I had thought his letters were overblown, Mr. Collins in person was still rather worse.
I was glad I had perfected a serious mien when I saw Edwin, who was just on the other side and slightly back from Mr. Collins, miming Mr. Collins. He opened his mouth widely and moved his mouth open and shut, trying to time the movement with Mr. Collins's words. Edwin exaggeratedly dabbed at his forehead with a handkerchief and then bobbed his head like a chicken pecking at grain.
Beside me, I heard Georgiana give a very unladylike snot, which she did her best to stifle, trying to cover it up with an odd little cough. I took that moment to reach into my pocket and pull out a handkerchief, which I handed to her. She gave me a wide-eyed look before her eyes darted back to Edwin. Immediately she raised the handkerchief and placed it tightly over her mouth. It seemed that she was laughing again but was doing her best to silence it.
As it was not like her to laugh at anyone, no matter how ridiculous, I glanced over at Edwin again and saw him raise an arm, sniff at his armpit and then waive a handkerchief in front of it to pretend to cool it down before making his own chicken wings. Unlike Mr. Collins, Edwin waived his hands at his pits while flapping.
I had to bite at my lip to keep from laughing myself. I forced myself to stare at Mr. Collins to try to ignore Edwin. I genuinely tried to be good humored towards Mr. Collins despite the tediousness of his words as he had helped me. Finally, after a flurry of words, Mr. Collins rewarded my patience by giving me the opening I needed to see Miss Elizabeth.
He said, "Mrs. Collins hopes that at your earliest convenience, Mr. Darcy, should you be willing, that you would call upon us."
"I would be most pleased," I responded and felt that it was true. "Does the invitation extend to my sister and Fitzwilliam?"
"Certainly, certainly, it would be an honor to have any or all of you come to visit my humble abode."
"Oh, I should like to go, Brother," Georgiana enthused.
Edwin crooked his eyebrow and responded, "I should like to meet Mrs. Collins."
It was quickly decided that our whole visiting party should accompany Mr. Collins back to the parsonage to call upon the ladies. During this walk, Mr. Collins placed himself firmly beside me, leaving Georgiana to take Edwin's arm. This was not my preference as Mr. Collins droned on and on and if not for the fact that I was walking, I surely would have fallen asleep from the tedium. At least I did not have to see whatever Edwin was doing that made Georgiana laugh on more than one occasion.
Mr. Collins seemed content with just an occasional nod from me, which left me free to think about who we were going to see. I both dreaded and longed to look upon and speak to Miss Elizabeth once more, to be in her presence as a plant desires the sun.
When we were ushered into the sitting room, my eyes immediately alighted on her. Miss Elizabeth glanced at me and then quickly looked down. Therefore, I was free to look upon her without fear of getting caught up in her eyes. I noticed that her hair was less tamed than usual and one long strand was loose. I imagined it to be an oversight; perhaps her hair had hastily been done up when they realized we were arriving. That strand was long and wavy and fell over the front of her shoulder to below her bosom. I immediately tried to imagine how it would look if all of her hair was down. She was wearing a cream-colored morning gown and was as lovely as ever, but her face turned solemn when she looked at me. Instead of greeting me with words she quickly stood and curtseyed.
I dutifully did my duty to Mrs. Collins in complementing her home and introduced her, her sister and Miss Elizabeth to my cousin and sister. Miss Elizabeth greeted them but then was silent once more, which seemed very unlike her. Would she remain silent our whole visit?
Edwin as is typical of him immediately started conversing with the ladies, completely at ease, though I knew not what to say. I saw him try to use his charm on Miss Elizabeth and Miss Lucas and, oddly enough Miss Elizabeth said very little, almost as little as Miss Lucas. However, as they talked further she participated more. However, I occasionally saw her look over at me, even though by this time Mr. Collins was once again talking at me. I wondered what Miss Elizabeth could be thinking when she looked at me.
Finally, Mrs. Collins interjected, "Mr. Collins, I very much think that Colonel Fitzwilliam might like to see your gardens. I understand from Lady Catherine that you have lately resigned your commission and have an estate to manage. Have you ever been in charge of growing things before?"
Colonel Fitzwilliam owned that he had not.
I felt a moment of confusion as to why Colonel Fitzwilliam was being invited to see Mr. Collins's garden and I was not. I almost followed them out, but Mrs. Collins gestured for me to sit down, right next to the chair that Miss Elizabeth was occupying.
Grouped as we now were, I finally greeted just her, saying, "Miss Bennet, it is lovely to see you again." She nodded but made no reply. With such a reaction, I was uncertain as to how to continue. I tried to smile at her, hoping that would help, but by now she was not even looking at me, but glancing out the window.
I tried again, "I trust your family is all in good health,"
"Yes, Mr. Darcy," she answered dully, adding after a moment, "no illness has afflicted them."
There was another pause and I wondered how to fill the silence. But then Miss Elizabeth turned toward me, looked into my eyes and said, with more feeling, "My sister Jane has been in town for the past two months. Had you never an opportunity to meet her there?"
I tried to hold Miss Elizabeth's eyes but was unable to do so. They were so intense, so searching, so impossibly aware of everything. It felt like she could see past my face into the innermost workings of my mind, but of course that was impossible. I felt my eyes drift up to examine the edge of her hair, to find the spot where the loose strand of hair connected to her scalp. My eyes, now focused, started studying how each strand laid and was arranged.
With difficulty, I pulled my awareness back from that and struggled to consider what she had asked. I was perplexed. Had Bingley not made things clear that he no longer desired a possible connection to Miss Bennet? Had she tried to pursue him further?
I told Miss Elizabeth, "I had not the pleasure."
She nodded slightly, turned her lips inward against each other and pressed them together for a moment before relaxing them into simply a closed mouth with little expression.
For something to ask, I asked, "How have you been enjoying your visit to Hunsford?"
Miss Elizabeth replied, "It is all that I was given to expect." After she finished that sentence, her lips closed and she said nothing more.
I noticed again the spot by her nose close to her lips where three freckles formed a triangle. I was not close enough to see whether those freckles all laid flat or whether any of them were slightly raised. I longed to trace that triangle with my finger to feel for myself how that skin felt and then to slide my finger across her closed lips and feel those slight creases and the dip between them, but I had no hope that she would ever let me do any such thing.
Part of me was wondering why I had come to Kent at all. The hope I had felt from Bingley telling me of her message was fading quickly. I was wondering what I was doing at the parsonage at all and wondering if I could or should avoid seeing her again. I felt that two people could hardly have less to say to one another than we had thus far.
Just then, Mrs. Collins said, "Mr. Darcy, I do not think you have ever been much acquainted with my sister, Maria. She has been working very hard to master the art of drawing. Come see the sketch she has made of me and Eliza."
I was grateful to be called away, but even as I went with Mrs. Collins to the far side of the room, I was still very aware of where Miss Elizabeth was and what she was doing. And, so, when Georgiana approached Miss Elizabeth, my ears heard her softly say, "Miss Elizabeth, I have been longing to make your acquaintance since my brother first mentioned you in his letters. He told me of your devotion in caring for your ill sister and that he missed you when you returned home."
It took all of my efforts to try not to look at them and instead continue walking toward the far side of the room. When I was shown Miss Lucas's drawings, I am sure I made all the appropriate comments, but afterwards had hardly a notion of what she had drawn, save for the last drawing that was of Mrs. Collins and Miss Elizabeth.
That drawing was not an accurate rendering. Mrs. Collins's eyes were too close together and her lips were too thin. Elizabeth's slightly curved nose was too pronounced and her neck was too long. However, Miss Lucas had managed to capture the shape of Miss Elizabeth's eyes if not all of their usual animation. I had a longing to have that drawing for myself, but it would not have been proper. Yet, here, I saw an opportunity to be able to visit the parsonage further, if there was any hope. Thus, I said, "Well done, Miss Lucas. Do you suppose you might draw my sister, should she prove agreeable with such a scheme?"
Miss Lucus blushed and nodded but said not a word.
By this time Edwin was back inside and already saying, "It has been a most pleasant visit, but I am afraid we must go."
Naturally I agreed and we said our goodbyes. As we did so, I found myself looking at Miss Elizabeth. I may not be very knowledgeable about what the face can reveal, but I felt no warmth from her, however, somehow Georgiana and even Edwin merited a bright smile from her.
Just before we went, Mrs. Collins asked, "Do you suppose Lady Catherine might spare you for tea with us, two days hence?"
Georgiana responded for us, "We shall have to check with Lady Catherine, but I certainly hope that we can do so, we shall certainly send word."
Finally, I thought we would be free of Mr. Collins, but it was not to be. Mr. Collins insisted, "I most certainly must see you safely back to Rosings." While we protested that we did not need his assistance, he would not be dissuaded.
Fortunately, Mr. Collins conversed with Edwin the whole way, asking all about his titled relations. I was most satisfied with this development as it allowed me to walk with Georgiana. Although she could not tell me of her conversation with Miss Elizabeth just then, she squeezed my arm and told me, "All will be well Brother."
When we returned our time was well occupied by Lady Catherine, but that afternoon Georgiana and I had time for a walk in the gardens. At first, we walked in relative silence but for the sounds of our steps upon the brick walkway (her steps barely noticeable but mine more clomping), the slight swish of her skirts against mine, the sounds of us breathing against the backdrop of birds singing and the horses and their handlers making their own sounds as they worked a distant field.
In the relative quiet away from most distractions, the chilled air not overly cold, the sun shining down upon us in the blue sky, I focused on the light pressure of her hand upon my arm. As always it felt comfortable and reassuring. How such a slip of a girl could help me relax and just feel at ease should have been astonishing, but instead it simply was. Georgiana had always just been my sister and simply accepted me as Mother had. Undoubtedly at some point in her life she had questioned why I was different, but I knew I was beloved to her as she was beloved to me. I felt no one could have a better sister.
The feel of Georgiana's hand on my arm felt very different from that of Miss Elizabeth's as I led her to the dance at Netherfield. It was not so much that its weight or pressure was different (if anything Miss Elizabeth held my arm more tentatively, resting it upon my arm rather than encircling it with her fingers), but what it meant, to have her with me.
When we were well away from the house, Georgiana paused so I did likewise. It was quite natural. We moved well together, and no words needed to be said.
Georgiana turned toward me, face suddenly animated, the young woman like a girl again, and told me, clasping her hands together and bouncing slightly, "Brother, I have been bursting to tell you! When we called, Miss Bennet discussed with me in detail when and where she takes her walks each morning. It seems the rest of the Collins household stays in bed rather later than she. It should be easy for us to arrange our own outing to encounter her in the morning."
I felt her excitement, felt my own face smiling in response but then I had a morose thought and felt my smile fade, combined with a sudden clenching feeling in my chest. Perhaps Miss Elizabeth was simply responding politely to questions Georgiana posed, or perhaps she only had an interest in furthering an acquaintance with Georgiana and not me.
I asked, "Did she tell you so that you may meet her?"
Georgiana responded, "I think she knew my purpose in asking her was to allow you both an opportunity to converse and she must not be adverse, or she would not have answered in such detail as she did." She placed her hand back upon my arm, but this time higher up, closer to my shoulder. It felt that she was trying to be reassuring but that she needed to do so was making my chest tight.
"Brother, I must tell you I think she seeks to resolve confusion about you and does not yet hold you in high regard. But having only spoken to her briefly I like her very much and think all may yet be resolved to your satisfaction."
"Thank you, Georgiana," I told her. I felt a jumble of emotions and then I felt tears briefly sting my eyes.
I had difficulty speaking and, when I forced out the words I needed to say, my voice sounded different, slightly higher and unfamiliar. I told her, "Georgiana, you are the best sister a fellow could ever have. I could never want for a better champion. Perhaps, with your help, all might yet be made right."
As we turned and walked back to the house, Georgiana held my arm just a bit tighter and periodically gave me three squeezes.
That night when I was in bed, I held Miss Elizabeth's ribbon. The exact yellow of her ribbon was fast becoming my favorite color.
I wrapped her ribbon around one of my fingers and then slid that finger against the back of my hand, imagining it was her hand as wrapped in a glove. Then I slid that finger up my arm, across my shoulder, up my neck and up my face, pausing at my cheek. The path of my ribbon clad finger seemed to pleasantly burn. Then, after an inward debate on the prudence of acting in such a way, I slid that finger across my own lips and imagined I was feeling Miss Elizabeth's lips on my finger, soft as that ribbon.
Although I wished to sleep with her ribbon and pondered placing it beneath my pillow where I could get at it in the night, I knew it would be folly to leave it where it might fall to the floor while I slumbered. I pondered placing the ribbon in a near drawer but suspected I would be tempted to get at it in the middle of the night. Therefore, when I unwrapped my finger, I got up and placed her ribbon safely within a handkerchief, making a little bed for it, and secreted it in a drawer across the room.
"Sleep well," I said aloud. I was not sure whether I was talking to the ribbon, personifying it, or whether I was talking to the maiden sleeping at the parsonage. As I drifted to sleep, I thought of Miss Elizabeth and hoped that I might meet her in my dreams.
