Chapter 19: Meeting in the Morning
As arranged, Georgiana and I awoke early. It was not difficult for us as we are used to country hours, although I do not know that our servants appreciated having to arise then to dress us. However, no matter the hour Jeffrey was as efficient as ever and I even had a few minutes alone before I was due to join my sister.
I dismissed Jeffrey and, once he was gone, took that time to take out the yellow ribbon from its handkerchief bed and tell it, "Good morning, little ribbon. I am going to meet your mistress today." I took out my piece of string and measured it against the ribbon. Then I twisted the two together. I liked seeing the diagonal stripes this formed, brownish grey and yellow. It reminded me of a barber's pole, although of course the color combination and texture was wrong.
I could not but think that Miss Elizabeth's ribbon was, like the lady herself, much finer than my string. I should have put her ribbon away, but not wanting to part it from my string, placed them both deep down in my pocket and put the handkerchief, carefully folded, atop them.
Georgiana and I met for a quick bite of breakfast. Fortunately, Edwin was not present yet, nor did I expect him to be. He seems to prefer maintaining city hours now that he is retired from the army and, so, I thought there was little risk of interference or detection from him.
Minutes later, well wrapped against the morning chill (the servants awaited us with our appropriate garb), we set out together. Georgiana was wearing a long-sleeved blue dress, kid gloves and instead of a coat had opted for a lovely blue shawl with a lacy edge. The shawl was one my mother had knit for herself that, after Mother was gone, Georgiana had adopted as her own. I, myself had a coat and my warm beaver.
As we walked Georgiana suggested, "Now Brother, I know it may be awkward, but the best thing I think you can do is just be honest with Miss Bennet. I suggest you explain about George early on. While it is perhaps too early to familiarize her with all that makes you different, you must be clear that she must tell you what is on her mind rather than just assume you understand from her expressions, tone of voice and the like. Perhaps you can tell her, 'I am unused to guile and want there to be no confusion between us.' If things go well, there is ample time to help her understand you further. Likely this will require some adjustment on her part before she can absorb and cope with it all. Let her dictate the pace."
"How do I begin such a conversation?" I asked, remembering how long it took me to feel comfortable revealing anything to Bingley. "Yesterday it felt impossible to talk to Miss Elizabeth about anything. What if sharing even a part of who I am makes her feel poorly toward me?"
Georgiana held my arm a little firmer and squeezed my arm three times. "I cannot promise that she will accept you, but you cannot force such a thing. As much as it might hurt, if she cannot or will not, it is far better to know it now rather than later. I think it best if I am present for the first part of the conversation and I may remain for all of it if needed."
"Very well," I told her, "I shall trust you to facilitate our exchange. But if you think things are going well enough to let us talk without you, how will such a thing be arranged?"
She thought a moment and then responded, "I will say, 'Brother, I wish to collect some flowers.' It will then be up to you to consent if you see fit or tell me to delay until later."
"What flowers shall you find?" I asked, curious. "It is early for them yet."
"Never you fear, as we have been walking, I have already spotted a few. Not those that are cultivated, but ones that spring up where they will. I shall find some. It will not be merely an excuse." She paused and looked around, then pointed, "There, do you see, there are some snow drops."
I had not noticed them before, but there they were, small white flowers pointing down. I nodded and we were quiet after that. I used the time to think through Georgiana's suggestions and she did not try to get me to speak. She never seems to mind quiet between us, it is normal and restful and helps me to remain calm. It was well that I had that calm time as the moment I spotted Miss Elizabeth and what she was wearing, instantly my heart thumped widely in my chest and my mouth went dry.
Georgiana gave me one final piece of advice as we grew nearer, "Try to smile, brother. You will want her to know you are happy to see her."
Miss Elizabeth Bennet waited in a semi secluded spot ringed by overarching trees. Although she was well covered by a coat, beneath it I could see she was wearing the yellow gown I had acquired the small length of ribbon from. I couldn't help but notice she had replaced her bottom ribbon near her hem with a ribbon which was not the exact shade of its fellows, though I doubt anyone but me would have known. I reached my hand in my pocket and for a moment stroked my twine and her ribbon where I had left them intertwined.
She greeted Georgiana warmly and they had a brief exchange before she looked at me at all. Then she merely offered me an even, "Good morning Mr. Darcy."
Remembering Georgiana's advice, I forced a smile even though I felt awkward. I could not help but notice that she did not give me a smile in return. "I am glad you are here, Miss Bennet, and I hope we did not intrude upon your solitude. I was given to understand by my sister that you likely understood what she hoped to arrange but could not speak openly about in front of the others."
"Indeed!" Miss Elizabeth's lips twitched upward before she turned to my sister and said, "Miss Darcy, thank you for arranging it all with so little trouble to me." She turned back to me and waited.
I cleared my throat and began, "I am prepared to answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability, but before you begin I ask that you tell me anything you expect I would know from your expression or tone of voice. I am unskilled at understanding these and I do not wish for any misunderstanding between us."
Miss Elizabeth inclined her head and then followed that with a "Yes. I will do all I can to confirm we understand each other." With no other prelude she then asked, "Can you tell me why you and his sisters called Mr. Bingley away from my sister Jane twice and why his sisters then shunned her when she tried to call upon them in London? I know that through your combined efforts you have been the means of ruining, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved sister."
I was momentarily flummoxed. I expecting to explain about Wickham's behavior towards me and not mine towards Bingley and Miss Bennet. Georgiana gently squeezed my arm and I felt myself relax a little. I took a deep breath and began to explain.
"I have not called Bingley away from your sister—"
"Oh, I see, I have worded that badly and given you an opportunity to be honest in your denial by using an inexact word. Do you deny you have been the means of separating them, whether by urging, entreaty, persuasion, delaying, influence or any other means? Have I made my question clear? Now there is no room for a denial!"
The pitch of Miss Elizabeth's words was different than I was used to hearing from her, perhaps a bit higher, and her words had grown louder. She stood ramrod straight, her hands upon her waist with her elbows out to the sides. She stared at me unblinking and I was quickly forced to look above her eyes at her bonnet. I noted that it was decorated with the same shade of ribbon as the replacement strand upon her dress.
She then added, while pointing at me (the movement causing me to focus upon her finger), "Mr. Darcy, you dare not, you cannot deny you have been the principal, if not the only means of dividing them from each other, of exposing one to the world for caprice and instability, the other to its derision for disappointed hopes, and involving them both in misery of the acutest kind." With each phrase, she poked her finger toward me. While she spoke her accusations, I was busy putting together the clues I had to conclude that she was angry; I felt a certain satisfaction in figuring it out, even though she had not told me. I could not help but find her even more lovely in her anger, but wished it was not directed at me!
I held my arms stiffly at my side, fearing that I might clench them into fists or point my fingers back at her or shout. I felt angry myself, that she was accusing me unjustly. I felt overwhelmed by her vitriol but did my best to calm myself. I took a few moments to breathe and relax (easier tried than done). Georgiana helped by lightly stroking my arm. My arms, which were stiff and straight, began to relax. I tried to remind myself that I had a defense and, hopefully, if I could explain myself, Miss Elizabeth might come to accept that things were not as she believed them to be.
I walked a ring around Miss Elizabeth with Georgiana by my side before I finally felt I might be able to talk once more. I paused from walking and tried to begin again. I forced myself to talk slowly and try to maintain an even tone, but even so I might have been talking too quickly and too loudly. "As I have said before I will explain all, but I ask that you reserve judgment until you know the whole of it. Bingley was called away to London on business in November and had every intention of returning, but his sisters decided to close up the house and follow him there. I could not remain behind so to London I accompanied them."
Without my conscious volition, I began walking again, this time in a slightly wider ring around her. I continued to walk as I talked, and she kept turning in a tight circle herself to keep me in view. "A few days thereafter I received a letter from your cousin Mr. Collins reciting all matter of rumors concerning me, including one against both Bingley and I perpetuated by his Bennet cousins. I read the letter to Bingley and while we agreed that it was unlikely that either you or Miss Bennet perpetuated such a rumor, he was distressed that your sister had not put a stop to it, at least with your younger sisters. Bingley asked me my opinion about whether your sister had any regard for him. I told him I had not noticed any but clarified I was not the best judge of things and had been distracted by another Miss Bennet."
I paused from walking and smiled at her, but without any positive response my smile quickly faded away. Now Miss Elizabeth had her arms folded across her chest and her brows were drawn together; even I knew this was not a positive sign. Still, I knew I had to continue. I began walking again and then the words flowed once more.
"Bingley applied to his sisters about their opinions. They were decidedly opposed to such an association as being unworthy of him and that might have been the end of it. However, a few days later Bingley declared to me his decision to return to Netherfield to investigate your sister's regard and the gossip concerning me. I expected him to write and inform me of his engagement or at the very least that he had entered a courtship with your sister, but no letter did he write. I heard nothing further until he returned and met with me after Christmas."
Her brow relaxed a little and her arms loosened a bit. I felt myself calm and slowed in my walking.
"At that time, Bingley was decided in his resolution to have no further association with your sister. It seems Miss Bennet disapproved of his friendship to me and that resolved him against her. Thus, in that way I am indeed the cause of their separation. However, he did not ask me what he should do. So, indeed, others may think him fickle, capricious or indecisive, yet he is none of these. I do not know if he told your sister why he was leaving once again. As they had no understanding, perhaps he believed his leaving so soon after these discussions would be enough to show his feelings on the subject. He could hardly declare himself no longer interested."
When I was silent, suddenly Miss Elizabeth threw up her hands and exclaimed, "This cannot be so!" Her face reddened and her eyes grew wide. "Mr. Bingley's interest in Jane was most evident and clear. Someone must have persuaded him against her."
I tried to remain calm, to be the voice of reason, but it was hard. "As far as I know, it was only Bingley himself that could have done it and not any other. His sisters did not want him to return to Netherfield but that was a decision he made himself. As for what may have transpired after Bingley left Hertfordshire that second time, I know nothing of your sister being in London. I suspect if Bingley told his sisters that he had no further interest in Miss Bennet that they would have avoided her calls. He may indeed be in misery of the acutest kind, but it is because your sister turned out to be a different sort of person than he believed her to be rather than because of any action I took."
"Jane is everything good and kind," Miss Elizabeth declared emphatically, "Either you are attempting to deceive me or perhaps there is some further misunderstanding."
I shook my head in negation. I felt confused. Why was she determined not to believe me? "I cannot say what Miss Bennet's character may truly be, but I have shared everything honestly," I responded, hoping the truth would be enough. We were at an impasse then and I knew not what else to say that might convince her.
Fortunately, then Georgiana intervened, her voice gentle and calm. She halted me from walking and then dropped my arm and walked closer to Miss Elizabeth. Georgiana lightly touched her on the arm and Miss Elizabeth looked up at her. They were perhaps a mere half a yard apart. I envied their closeness.
Georgiana told her, "I cannot speak to Miss Bennet's actions but for what Mr. Bingley's sisters told me regarding a young unnamed woman who may be your sister. A few days before we departed, I called on Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, accompanied by my companion, to tell them of our trip. They are understanding of my brother, so although they are not my bosom friends, I extend them every courtesy. While we visited, I heard the butler declare them not at home to a caller. As this was rather unusual, I questioned it of course."
As a spectator watching, I saw that they were looking right at one another's eyes. Miss Elizabeth was slightly nodding and allowing Georgiana to continue on.
"Miss Bingley told me, 'That must be the country miss that was interested in Charles. She has already called twice and is making quite a nuisance of herself.'
"Mrs. Hurst added, 'The first time she called, even knowing that Charles wanted nothing more to do with her, we had to, for politeness's sake, let her come in but managed to cut short her visit by feigning we were ourselves going out.'
"Miss Bingley seemed quite exasperated and told me, 'But she would not give up so easily. Oh, no, she was most determined, obstinately so. The second time she called we already had a caller so, naturally, we had to let her call as well and she spent the whole-time making inquiries about Charles rather than taking more than a superficial interest in us. As you can imagine by then we had quite enough and had to tell our butler that if she called again, we are never more at home to her.'"
"That certainly sounds like them," Miss Elizabeth responded. "They acted as if they had regard for my sister until they feared she would marry their brother. Do you know that Miss Bingley wrote to my sister and hinted that he was to marry you, Miss Darcy? Naturally that is a ridiculous thought, not that you are not everything pleasing but, I conclude that you are rather young for marriage."
"Quite right," Georgiana nodded. "I am not yet out. But there is more to tell you. Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst explained their brother declared he wanted nothing to do with anyone who could not value my brother. So, while they once thought her sweet and enjoyed her company, they had no interest in furthering the association. You see, many have been cruel to my brother because he is different and Bingley is rather protective of him as if Fitz were his own brother."
While Georgiana was speaking, I saw Miss Elizabeth go from standing tall and straight to gradually sinking down a bit, as if what Georgiana was telling her was gradually weighing her down. When Georgiana concluded, she gave Miss Elizabeth a comforting pat on the arm. I envied that my sister could touch Miss Elizabeth whereas a similar gesture from me would have been completely untoward.
I wondered what Miss Elizabeth thought of Bingley, who was younger, shorter and of less importance to society, standing in the role of protector for me, but I could not interpret the look that crossed her face.
"I must think on this some more," she said in a tired, uninterested tone, turning to look at first Georgiana before nodding slightly to me and starting to stride away towards the parsonage.
"Should we meet again tomorrow?" Georgiana asked, calling out a little louder than usual to be heard as she walked away.
I faintly heard, "I do not know."
I was left confused. Had Miss Elizabeth believed us, or did she still believe me to be the cause of or only a mere catalyst for her sister's misery? I did not know, yet even in her anger she still appeared to be the most handsome woman of my acquaintance. I watched sadly as she faded from my view.
Georgiana consoled me. "Brother, there is still so much Miss Bennet will need to know before she will understand, but I think we have taken a good step today. She is probably miserable about misjudging you, Bingley and her sister."
"Perhaps," was my only response. I wondered if she would always be walking away from me. My sister was kind enough that while we walked back she let me have the silence I craved. As soon as were we inside the mansion, I excused myself and quickly walked back to my room myself. There, in the silence, I closed the curtains making the room dark and soothing. Then I removed my hat and tried without success to pull my boots off. I did not even bother to try to remove my coat; it was not so very warm in my chamber as the fire was out. I lay face down on the bed diagonally, the toes of my boots hanging off the side, closed my eyes and let the darkness cover me.
Despite my sister's reassurance, I did not know how it could get any better. After I while I took my string and her ribbon out of my pocket. I separated the two strands and placed the ribbon well away from my string (which I returned to my pocket), tucking it back in its handkerchief bed.
Later, as I felt the time ticking away, I determined I would have to get up or I would be missed. I called for Jeffrey and he helped me out of my outer coat, polished my boots, and retied my cravat. When I was put to rights as well as he could manage, I got up and interacted with the rest of the household. I tried my best to seem cheerful even though I was feeling miserable inside.
