I was with Ezekiel when the cost of war came home. We heard the sound of the front gates being smashed through by what sounded like a tank, but we found out was actually just a truck. I was shocked by how fast he moved, rushing from the throne room and telling me to find a place to hide. To keep me from what was coming, to save myself, I heard him urge without words.
I couldn't blame him for expecting me to want to hide. And the idea was tempting. It just wasn't something I could do. I rushed in the opposite direction from the Kingdom's leader, keeping to the shadows, trying to find out what the Saviors had been sent to do. I knew it had to be the Saviors, Dad would have no reason to attack the Kingdom. They were allies.
I can see Gavin, the man who helped me leave the Sanctuary, standing over the gathered residents of my new home. He was informing everyone of the true cost of crossing Negan. Of causing untold damage. Of daring to rise up against the status quo. From this point forward everything from the food they produced to their very lives and bodies would belong to Negan. The buildings, this vantage point, would become Gavin's new outpost. And I closed my eyes waiting for the next salvo.
It comes in the form of a demand for the location of Ezekiel. No one, I'm proud to see, speaks up. Gavin grows frustrated. He warns that while he doesn't want the situation to devolve into violence, if no one gives up the king they'll force his hand. He mentions that hostages will be killed in "Negan's way" and my heart beats harder. Maybe, if I step out, if he sees me it will buy time. Or, my more rational side warns, he'll pick me as the target of the rage Negan clearly has with these people. He gives them five minutes.
I see, in the slight distance, a flash of silver. Not metal, but dreadlocks, and staying in the shadows I rush to meet Ezekiel to talk him down from giving himself up, in case he's entertaining the idea. He holds up a finger to his lips when I approach, as though I need a warning to stay silent. Gesturing I realize that he plans on a diversion.
A fire, then a bus, and the people are fleeing. I'm with Ezekiel, and I see that I haven't learned his entire plan. Locking the gates from the inside, not noticing until a moment too late that I'm still beside him, he's planning to offer himself up. And now we're both Gavin's willing captives. Thanks, Zeke. Thanks a LOT.
I have to listen to Gavin monologue, and I start to wonder if being a Savior means that you have to enjoy the sound of your own voice? Perhaps they all want to emulate Negan? His eyes fall to mine and as he's telling Ezekiel how he wished it hadn't come to this. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. And then he mentions that he won't have to endure for long, since they plan on putting his corpse on the fence of the Sanctuary, a warning to anyone else who even thinks of another rebellion. My stomach churns. More deaths, he's reminding us, all because of Ezekiel's need to fight against Negan.
His eyes land on mine again. "And you? Well, I'm damn sure that you're going to be JUST the right gift for Negan after the shit show we just went through." Bile is rising in my throat at the thought of what he's imagining for me at Negan's hands. Regardless of the reality of the image, regardless of what Negan would even contemplate doing to me if I was returned to him, the thought that Gavin could consider me at Negan's mercy was unbearable.
Ezekiel, making me smile at his renewed show of confidence tries to urge Gavin to switch sides. He tries to tempt him with descriptions of my dad's leadership. It falls on deaf ears, as Gavin looks at me clearly insinuating that even his own daughter wasn't all that keen on Dad's show. Gavin shouts out orders as we wait for the next move. Ezekiel is trying to undermine his authority, but that too falls flat.
I'm trying to keep my eyes on everything at once. I want to know where the next surprise is going to come from, where the rescue team will show up. Where the attack will start from. I nearly miss Gavin's attempts failing when he tries to contact his people via walkie talkie. That's when we all hear gunfire. And I know, help has arrived.
He shuffles us, and his men inside the theater. And then Carol and Morgan are there, chaos ensues, and I lose track of people. Ezekiel stays at my side, but the Saviors are running or dead, and Morgan is rushing after Gavin. We make our way outside, and find Morgan with Gavin clearly deciding the latter man's fate.
Both Ezekiel and Carol ask Morgan not to kill Gavin. I add my own voice to it. "Morgan, you've fought so hard against THIS. Please don't." And as we all watch, a fighting staff pierces Gavin's throat from behind and standing there is Henry, the little boy that Ezekiel has practically adopted.
I fight against fainting. I fight against the static ringing in my ears. I have to stay present. I can't escape, no matter how horrifying it is to see ANOTHER child give in to the darkness. I watch as Ezekiel and Carol have completely different reactions to what Henry has done. One tells him to look away from the death he's dealt, while another admonishes him for disobeying. One assures him that everything will be fine, another is berating him for daring to go against orders.
I look around. The fire from the distraction that Ezekiel caused still burns. The bus is still blocking the path. The gate is still locked. And no one is still standing among the buildings, but the five of us.
I wait until sunrise, but I have a bag packed and ready. Carol doesn't seem surprised. Not that I'm leaving at least. The others are going to Hilltop. I won't be joining them.
"Where will you go?" She asks, as I pull the backpack over my shoulders. "Alexandria isn't livable, you won't join us at Hilltop-" And it dawns on her. "Jessi, don't."
"I have a debt to fulfill, Carol." I answer, pulling her to me for the first hug I've ever initiated. "Maybe, maybe if I go back-" I don't know how to finish it. What hope could I have for returning to Negan? Not an end, but at least, hopefully a better welcome than I could expect at Hilltop.
She pulls back and casually brushes my errant hair from my face. "Stay safe, do you hear me?" She demands, searching my eyes for the same urge to die that was no doubt clear from the moment I admitted it to her. She wouldn't find it. Helping Ezekiel find himself, talking about Pandora and hope, helped a great deal.
"I will." I promised. "And you, keep them safe." She knew, as I was sure she would, that I meant my family. All of them.
"Come back to us, Jessi." I smiled sadly and walked away. Back to where the car had been left. Back to where I started this chapter. Back to my way back to Negan.
Finding the Sanctuary, or the way back to it, was easier than trying to find a place I'd never been. I was greeted by the horrifying sight of damage that I knew had happened, but I wasn't prepared to see in person. Daryl did this. Dad did this.
The guards see me approaching on foot and they rush forward to meet me. Seeing that it's me, they take my backpack, pat me down with less regard for my person than the men on horseback had, and then march me inside. A knock on a door I had only seen once before and a growl allowing us to enter, and there he was.
Negan. Seated at the head of the conference table. Lucille, that damn bat on top of the table and not nearly clean enough for my tastes. And his eyes flashing at the sight of me. My chin rose. His eyes searched me from head to toe.
"Take her to my apartment." Not a single word to me. "I'll deal with her later." Deal with me? That was ominous, but what did I expect?
One guard took me upstairs, opened the door and pushed me inside. No backpack. No distractions, other than what I could find in his rooms. His bed was unmade. The sheets tangled, the pillows askew. I wondered if he'd had a wife visit while I was gone. I shouldn't care, I told myself, I left. But I had a pang of pain and irritation at the idea of it.
The sofa. His spot. The gloves on the table. And there, beside them, sitting where I'd tossed it the night I slept on the couch, was the book I'd been reading. And tucked into the cover was the note I'd left.
I knew that meant he'd read it. I'd left it in the bathroom, propped up against the mirror. I hadn't wanted him to find it immediately when the alarm was raised that I'd left. I wanted him to find it, but I wanted time. Time to get free. And look how well that had turned out, I thought, but stopped myself. This was inevitable, regardless of where I was when it happened.
I sat in my chair, and pulled the book toward me. My note, I took out and sat on the table, and I opened the book and tried to lose myself in it again. I heard the door open, but expecting lunch or some other benign interruption I didn't raise my head from the book.
"Jessica." I closed my eyes. His voice, so very deep and so very dark. He sat down in his spot and waited for me to put the book down. I opened my eyes and pushed it away.
"Negan." I studied him. He looked tired, but also frustrated and angry.
I watched him put the bat down beside my book on the table, over top of my note. He leaned back in his seat. And he studied me. What was he seeing? Did he finally see that I'd found my way fully to the surface? Did he see that I was the me he'd kept saying he wanted to meet? Or did he see a traitor?
"Why did you come back?" Right to the point. Good, I hate idle chit chat.
My hands clasped together in my lap and I kept my eyes on his. "Where else would I go?" A question for a question.
His hand ran down his face and I smiled. So familiar to me. Such a Negan gesture. "Just because you've got nowhere else to go?" He wanted more. And he deserved it. "Why should I let you back in?" That hurt. It was expected, but it still hurt. The thought that he'd send me away.
"Because I have nowhere I'd rather be." I answered, and I meant it. Being here with him was a far more pleasant experience than anywhere else I could go. "Let me in because I want to be here, with you." He heard it, finally. That I wanted to be with him. Here.
"I'm going to kill your dad, Jessica." He says it as though he's telling me that the sky is blue. It's clear he means it. "I'm going to bring your people to heel."
I take a deep breath. I knew as much. Hearing it was difficult, but I also knew that it had been pushed to this. "I know." I offer, and his eyes flash. "I told you before, Negan. I follow the leader I choose, I don't choose to lead."
"What happened while you were gone?" He's still watching me, and I know he's finally seeing the differences.
"I found myself." I answer, and he smiles.
