Negan and I sat together, across from one another in his apartment, discussing what had happened while I was gone. He saw my glance at the bed, and gave a quiet laugh.
"You think I've fucking slept since you left?" I felt the shock of his admission right to my core. That he'd admit that he'd been screwing them since I left, with no time to rest hurt far more than I cared to admit. "I toss and turn in that bed every fucking time I try to rest." Wait, what? He's staring at my face when it dawns on him. "You thought-"
I wave him off. "I thought nothing." I answer, but I can hear the strain in my own voice. "What else?"
His eyes lock onto mine. "Your note, Jessi, you left me a goddamn note." I glanced down at where Lucille was fouling up the paper. "Did you honestly think that leaving would HELP me?" I could hear the exasperation in his tone. "Your note didn't make it better, sweetheart. I fucking nearly lost my mind. Where did you go?" I looked into his face and shook my head.
"The Kingdom." Why lie? It wasn't as though anyone was left behind by now. "I went to the Kingdom, because I thought it would be the ONE place no one would know me."
"And?" His curiosity was freaking boundless.
I sighed. "I was asking for too much, apparently." I left it at that.
"We haven't heard from my lieutenant from that zone," he was watching my face. "From the entire team, actually."
"And you won't." It was simple. To the point.
He nodded, clearly he expected as much. He sighed. "Simon wants to just kill everyone fucking one." I blanched, the cost of that many lives, and for what? "I don't agree." He had seen my face. "Hilltop sent me a gift." I waited. "Boxed up nice and tight in a coffin sized box. One of mine, turned undead freak."
I took a deep breath through my nose. "Guess Glenn and Maggie are still holding a grudge." Flippant, but worried. "How many?"
He knew what I meant and his shrug scared me. So many he couldn't count? Or so many he didn't care? "I didn't want this, Jessi, YOU know that." A nod from me. "Carl tried to distract me."
I knew he meant when he went knocking on Alexandria's gate. "He did?" Please tell me he didn't get hurt, my mind begged.
"Yeah, offered me a deal like you had." I gave a lurch of mirthless laughter. "He almost memorized your entire script." He sounded almost proud. "It was bullshit, since the rest of your dad's people got out, but it was a fucking strange touch."
"Guess he listened to me a little bit after all." I said, feeling a smile tug at my lips. "Any other terrible news?"
Negan nodded. "Yeah, you've been here for too fucking long without me touching you." And like when he knelt beside my chair, he moved so fast that I was in his arms before the words could make sense, and our lips met and I felt something I hadn't felt even when we'd kissed before. I felt HIM. All of him. His power. His confidence. And more than anything, his NEED for me.
A knock came to the door, and he nearly growled at the interruption. I smiled against his lips, but knew that we had time. At least a small window until the next round of battle. I had no idea how wrong I was.
We were outside. The knock on the door had been a reminder from a Savior that Negan had wanted to walk the perimeter to access the damage. Taking my hand in his, he drew me from his apartment for the inspection. I was with him, outside when the radio squawked to life. And I'd know the voice on the other end from around the world. Dad.
Negan was mocking. Asking for Dad's location so they could meet face to face, but then it came. The news that could threaten to tear me apart at the seams. The news that would make my nightmares a reality.
"Carl's dead. He wrote letters. He wrote one to you. He asked you to stop. He asked me to stop. He asked us for peace. But it's too late for that. Even if we wanted to deal now, it doesn't matter. I'm going to kill you." Dad blurted it out and I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that my baby brother, a boy that I had watched slowly turn into almost a man, was gone.
Negan's hand tightened on mine. I had no idea what he saw as he stared down at me. "How did it happen?" The question brought Dad up short. He didn't get it, Negan's interest, that I was standing with him. "How did he die? Was it the grenades...the fire?" Dear God it really was a war.
Dad sounded angry that Negan would even suggest that he was the cause of my little brother's death. He told Negan, and me, that he died helping someone, and my throat burned. My little brother had died being kind. He'd died for being helpful.
Negan and Dad were going back and forth. Negan telling him that he hated to hear it. That the loss of Carl was a terrible one. That he had hoped for a different outcome. And my dad heard nothing. He reiterated that he wanted to kill Negan.
"The hell are you doing Rick? Why are you fighting? Why are you making this so hard? Carl is dead because of you. Because you couldn't leave shit well enough alone. I mean maybe he would have died some other way. Any one of us can get our ticket punched at any second. But in this case... in this case, he is dead because of you. Because you weren't there to stop him from doing something stupid. You set this coarse Rick. Who's next? Jessica? Have you ever considered her? That she could already be DEAD because of you?" Negan's fingers were trying to sooth me by rubbing my knuckles.
Dad snarled that Negan would be next. Ignoring any mention of me. I barely noticed. I was thinking about Carl. About when Lori and Dad brought him home from the hospital. How six year old me had been so desperate to help. To hold him. To tell him stories from my books. I took every opportunity to feed him. I wanted to change his dirty diapers. I wanted to prove that I was a good big sister and that he'd always be able to count on me. I thought about when he wanted to learn how to ride my bike when I was ten and he was four. How he taunted me with the fact that he wasn't that much smaller than me, and how I shook my head and helped him onto the seat and kept the bike balanced. How I was just as excited as him when he took off finally on his own. All the times I helped him with his homework. Or when we sat and he read comic books and I'd read my novels. Fighting over the television. Or the phone. My little brother was gone.
"You see... I stop people from dying. I am the answer. Now, it may have taken a hard lesson for you to hear it, but you should hear it now. It's time. Do not let anymore of your shit decisions cost you to lose anyone else you love. That garbage... that sticks with you forever. Just like Carl will. Just like JESSICA should. Hell, I'm feeling it now and I'm going to be feeling it for a while. You could have just let me save all of you. I mean that's why I killed your friends in the first place. So that you can sit there and say that you're going to kill me, but you won't. You failed. You failed as a leader and most of all Rick, you failed as a father. Just... give up. Give up because you have already lost." His voice was calling me back to the present, but memories of Carl and me were too tempting to get lost in. "You still haven't asked, Rick. You still haven't asked the ONE question I keep waiting for. 'How is she?'" He closed his eyes as I focused on him again. "You have two kids left, Rick. And you haven't a fucking clue how one of them is right now. You're so fucking focused on winning. That's why you failed. You never fucking understood. Since you didn't ask, let me go ahead and tell you. She's beside me, Rick. Jessica Grimes is standing right beside me and she heard it. She heard that her LITTLE BROTHER is dead and wanted peace, but all you want is my fucking head." He opened his eyes and stared down into mine. "Keep the letter Carl wrote. If he wrote one for Jessica, I'll retrieve it for her, because I'm coming for you, Rick. I'm coming and I'm going to take care of it once and for all."
And then he handed the radio to one of the Saviors standing nearby. His hand free now, he cupped my cheek. I closed my eyes at the feeling of his gloved hand, the comfort he was offering. "Let's go upstairs, Jessi." And he took me back to the quiet and safety of his apartment.
