THE DEAL
Jackie sat deep in thought in a booth in the back of sully's diner, an untouched plate of baked chicken and roast potatoes sat in front of her, but all she did was aimlessly stir the ice tea she'd ordered out of habit – she wasn't sure she actually liked the bitter drink or if it was just a learned behavior from her mother?
She had been back in point place for 24 hours now and it felt like a month.
The first step had been relatively easy all things considered, she had gotten Steven on board with moving into the apartment he'd owned all along, without a fight. She'd hired some people to come straight away and clear the place of debris as well as check that everything was more or less in useable condition.
She'd also spent two hours at a supermarket stocking up on every conceivable cleaning supply she could find, and a lot of mouse traps and bug spray. Tomorrow bright and early she and Steven had a date to start cleaning the crap hole up, and she was determined to make it shine!
It was after that that concerned her, when the project was over, and Steven had no choice but to face his demons head on, would he even want to? Or would he decide it wasn't worth it? and who was she to say otherwise, really? His friend from junior high who had won him over with fruit?! What if after the shock of seeing her again wore off and he remembered why he had stopped talking to her in the first place?
That brought up another painful point – why had he stopped contact with her back then? So far neither had made mention of his letter telling her they weren't really friends anymore and she was afraid too because she didn't really want to know the answer.
"hey Jackie, sorry I'm late" Steven said softly as he slid in across from her in the booth, he was having trouble looking her full in the face which wasn't missed by her.
"its fine, I knew you'd probably have trouble just walking out of work right on time" she waived off his apology with a small smile, hoping to put him at ease enough to open up a little. As eager as he was to be around her he wasn't exactly a chatterbox about his life and what had been going on.
"yeah but still, you shouldn't have had to wait so long" he said gruffly and opened his own menu,
She watched the tremor in his hands and felt her stomach drop, he had a rough road ahead and she wasn't sure if he would be willing to try? There was only one way to find out.
"how long have your hands been shaking like that Steven?" she asked evenly, but careful to keep her tone gentle so he didn't feel attacked.
His hands gripped the edge of the menu tighter and after a short pause Hyde answered.
"you know how long jacks" he told her quietly
"what do you want to do about it?" she asked seriously, but it was an honest question, did he want to try, or did he want to maintain?
"it changes from moment to moment, on the way here I was almost going to say, 'screw it' and stop at a bar, but then I didn't. I don't want to be a deadbeat Jackie, I don't want to be like them" he admitted quietly, and she knew damn well who 'them' referred to.
"all you have to do is tell me you want to stop drinking and the rest of it Steven and I'll help, but that also means that when it gets tough and you change your mind I wont let you," she told him with a sever tone, if they did this they would do it all the way.
"this sounds suspiciously like you're trying to get me to give you power of attorney?" Hyde said with a smirk, he wasn't actually opposed to the idea.
"if it comes to that I will, but personally I think you're strong enough if you really set your mind to it, its gonna get rough though and there are some steps we need to take beforehand, but I think you can do it" she told him seriously, and he felt his chest ease ever so slightly.
And that's when it dawned on him, since Jackie had left for NYC he had felt completely alone, nothing against Forman and the gang but with them he had a roll and he filled it, with Jackie he had a partner and a confidant, and he'd missed feeling like he could rely on someone. The weight of the world lightened just a bit and for a split second he felt a spark of hope.
"so, what's first?" he asked mildly
"first thing tomorrow morning we attack that filthy apartment like its our mission in life, if we coordinate properly we might be able to get it all done in about one day, I actually have a plan for that, but we'll come back to that part. Day two possibly three, we start the hard part, but I don't want to get into that right now, right now I want you to listen to what I'm going to ask you and really think about it before you answer ok?" she said earnestly
"ok" he said slowly, feeling a little nervous now that she was going into action mode.
"do you want to do this? I mean all the way Steven, I'm talking about doing what I say no matter how rough it gets or how terrible you feel, once you tell me this is what you truly want there's no backing out, and let me assure you that I will not feel guilt or pity no matter what you say when you inevitably decide you've changed your mind, I will ignore those pleas. Can you handle that? Can you weather the storm? Are you ready to change Steven?" she asked intently, her eyes burning into him, this was no time for him to give a flippant Zen response and as hard as that was for him to fight he knew he had to say something real, he just didn't know what?
So Hyde just stared at her for a long moment, she was so tiny but so fierce, he knew she was capable of standing her ground with him no matter what he threw at her, but he didn't really want to put her through that, especially since they weren't exactly as close as they'd once been.
She sensed his hesitance and reached out to grab his hand, her grip was surprisingly strong.
"I can see you overthinking this Steven, and if I had to guess I'd say that you're getting yourself hung up on what all this will mean for me and you don't want to put me through anything because you still fill guilty for dropping me blah, blah, blah. Well suck it up! This isn't about me, this is about you and for all the time in my life that I relied on you I'm returning the favor, so take me out of the equation and tell me if you want to do this?" she told him bluntly, it felt like ice water dumped over him or a slap in the face.
Hyde sat back against the vinyl booth and forced himself to really think about what she said. Was he considering changing his life so abruptly because he wanted to change, or because he thought it would make Jackie less disgusted with him?
He thought over the last few years without her and winced at a few of the worst stunts he'd pulled, vague memories of stumbling drunk in front of the Forman's came to his mind and he felt physically sick that he'd been that way in front of kitty and red. Maybe a part of it was that he wanted Jackie to not be ashamed to know him, but mostly he was ashamed to be like the parents he held in such contempt, he had let his real family down by letting his genes get the better of him, all it took to make his decision was a brief flash of the look of sad disappointment on Kitty's face when he'd passed out on the kitchen floor after failing to make it to the basement stairs when he'd stumbled in loaded with his stripper wife.
He came to a decision and he felt another ease in his chest.
"this is what I want, I'll follow your lead because my own is getting me to a place I never wanted to be, I don't want…I never wanted to be this! And I don't know if I can fix what I've done or what I am, but I want to try " he told her softly and held out his hand to shake on it, Jackie shot him a sweet smile that brought up a lot of memories he tried to keep buried deep down and shook his hand firmly.
STEP 1
Armed with a bucket, mops and two crates of cleaning supplies, Jackie and Hyde stepped into the now bare apartment. The workmen Jackie had hired may have cleared all the rubble and debris from the place, but the grime and prevailing smell of animal urine remained.
Jackie marched to the now accessible sink and breathed a sigh of relief when water poured out of the tap, it was clear too which she took as a positive sign for their endeavor.
Hyde was shaking the contents of a packet of TSP into one of the buckets, his first task was to wash down the walls with the chemical cleaner while Jackie worked on the floors. She had claimed they could get it done in one day if they put their minds to it but looking around at how terrible the place was, he was starting to think she'd been overly optimistic – admittedly a trait of hers he loved.
How she thought it was possible was lost on him, but it wasn't the first time he'd defer to what she wanted, and it wouldn't be the last either. But he couldn't help but ask her how she thought it was possible?
"uh, jacks?" he called hesitantly "how exactly do you think we'll be able to pull off cleaning this whole place in the time frame you said?" he asked with a frown.
"Steven, Steven, Steven" she said in a sweet pitying voice, similar to if he'd been a two-year-old who'd spilled juice on himself. "when I say I have a plan I mean exactly that – I planned everything out for the foreseeable future, starting with reliable help" she said with a knowing grin.
"reliable help?" he repeated curiously just as he heard footsteps echoing up the staircase that lead to the front door, he was about to ask who she'd recruited when a familiar laugh made it, so he didn't have to.
"oh my! Look at this place its so….so…." not being able to think of a nice thing to say about the currently disgusting place her adopted son was planning to move into, Kitty Forman trailed off and simply laughed awkwardly.
Red stepped in behind her and set down his tool box and took a look around "now kitty, its not that bad, or at least it won't be once I spackle a few things and replace that window that's boarded up. Steven, go open the other windows before you start washing the walls with chemicals unless you all want to spend the next couple days sick as dogs from breathing that crap in" Red told him gruffly while heading to the sink to start mixing his spackle.
Kitty bustled over to where Jackie stood with the crates of cleaning supplies and went into action, and before Hyde knew it all of them were hard at work making his new place marginally livable. Jackie had been right he had to admit it, she coordinated every step so that as soon as Hyde had washed down all the walls in one room Jackie and Kitty were starting on the dried ones with a new coat of paint.
Red made quick work of the few places that had needed some patching, and the window had only given him problems in so far as he'd had to make a quick run to the hardware store for the right size pane. Hyde was leaning against his 'wall mop' while he watched Red carefully inspect the plumbing under the kitchen sink.
"DIE YOU MOTHER F- "he heard Jackie shriek from the bathroom where her and Kitty were tackling several years of grime.
"Jackie language!" Kitty admonished, cutting off what Jackie was screaming in panic.
"did you see the size of that sucker?!" Jackie shrieked indignantly, Hyde was curious and wandered over to the bathroom to see what had made Jackie scream swear words in front of Mrs. Forman of all people?
He looked in to see Jackie stomping violently at something on the tile floor, from where he was it looked like nothing but a smudged spot?
"what exactly are you murdering?" he asked mildly
"a spider the size of a Pekingese!" she informed him animatedly while giving another firm stomp for good measure. When it was good and dead (and then some) she wiped it up and tossed it into the single most vile toilet Hyde had ever seen.
"I'm not sure we bought enough bleach to take that monster on, maybe I should take a look through the apartment rental adds after all?" he said a little wide eyed.
"nonsense Steven, that's nothing compared to some of the things I've cleaned at the hospital, but now that you mention it, I think you'll have to take a turn scrubbing it since you're a bit stronger than Jackie and me" kitty told him with a thoughtful expression.
Hyde sighed but picked up a pair of yellow gloves "might as well since were probably going to spend a lot of time together here soon, aren't we you despicable entity?" he said towards the toilet with clear contempt.
At his half serious comment towards the offensive toilet, kitty's expression went worried "oh honey, I'm just not sure about you stopping cold turkey, it can be dangerous to do that, maybe we should check you into the hospital instead of Jackie over seeing it? I know she's pre-Med but its still along way from being a qualified doctor" Kitty told him with motherly concern, but it wasn't the concern he heard, one single fact had taken over his mind and without a word he turned and left the dingy bathroom, Jackie following quickly after.
The staircase that lead to the front door continued up to the roof, a sun-bleached blacktop surrounded by a three-foot brick wall, except for the side not facing the road which was about two feet lower, that was where she found Hyde sitting on the ledge staring off into space.
"I gotta say Steven, even though I kind of expected you to react poorly I really can't figure out the 'why' of it?" she told him softly as she took a seat next to him.
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and felt his heart constrict painfully, she was a mess, red kerchief wrapped around her hair with several pieces still escaping, dirt and sweat was smeared over one cheek and her forehead, and the old t-shirt he was certain she stole from him was covered in dust and grime. But sitting next to her felt like being home.
"you wouldn't talk to me about what your life in New York is like, you flat out told me you didn't want to talk about it, but Mrs. Forman knew. You're going to be a doctor Jackie, doctors don't hang around with dirt bags from little towns in Wisconsin, I guess I forgot that you weren't back for good and it hit me harder than I thought" he tried his best to level with her, he owed her that much for coming back there after the crap he'd pulled.
"I didn't want to tell you what I go to school for precisely because I knew you'd look at it that way, I only told Kitty because she was trying to take over the detox phase and I had to explain that I knew what I was doing. She and Red are my back up you know? If you get too much for me to handle on my own Red will come, I don't see that happening though." She explained partially
"I know I don't get to be upset that you'll leave again especially since I wrote that stupid letter back then, but I missed you so much jacks, I'm sorry I wrote that letter" he told her desolately
"why did you Steven? I was devastated when you said we weren't friends anymore, you were the only real friend I had ever had, so when you did that I was all alone, do you have any idea how important you were to me?" she asked emotionally, staring him straight in the eye.
"it's a really long story jacks, and id kinda rather not get into it with Red and Kitty milling around because I don't want them to hear pretty much any of it, and however important I was to you multiply that by 100 and that's how messed up I was without you. No one has ever gotten me the way you did, remember that report back when we first met? That still blows my mind that you could write my side like id done it myself. I know you deserve the whole story and I promise that you'll get it when I can tell you without worrying that anyone will interrupt ok?" he asked her to be understanding again, and as cold as people tended to think of Jackie – when it came to Steven she was a push over and always had been.
"ok, ill wait for better circumstances, but just know that I will not forget and when I decide its time to tell me everything, you better own up, we clear?" she asked flatly
"clear" he promised with a small salute "so, a doctor huh?" he asked with a grin
"yep" she said sounding bored
"how's that going?" he asked trying to get away from the uncomfortable topic of his idiotic letter.
"fine" she shrugged
"I thought it was supposed to be pretty tough?" he laughed at her blasé attitude
"it is, but I'm smart as hell" she told him with a smirk that quickly turned serious "my mother always went on and on about how id grow up and land a rich doctor or something, so I decided the best revenge for what she put me through would be to become more than what she thought I could marry" she explained darkly and got up to go get back to work.
Hyde sighed and followed her back in, hoping that neither of his adopted parents would ask why he'd run off for a bit. He didn't want to deal with any more emotion than he had to, and he knew beyond a doubt that the emotion stuff with Jackie wasn't anywhere close to done.
He scrubbed vigorously at the toilet while he focused on trying to figure out how to explain why he'd abandoned Jackie years before? He couldn't exactly lay it all out because there were factors to it that he was too embarrassed to tell her, they weren't really relevant anymore either…unfortunately Jackie wasn't likely to see it that way.
The feeling of accomplishment when part of the toilet bowl became white again was surprising, but he kind of liked the feeling, and renewed his attack.
Jackie was on her hands and knees across from him scrubbing at the mildewed grout like it had personally offended her and deserved punishment.
"are you really that intent on getting everything done today?" he asked curiously, he knew she didn't have endless time away from school but what difference would an extra day make?
"the sooner were done, the sooner I can check out of that motel" she told him through clenched teeth while her focus was on a stubborn stain.
"you're going to stay here?" he asked surprised, but a good surprised – happy surprised.
Jackie stopped scrubbing for a moment and turned to face Steven, her expression grave.
"apart from the fact that id rather sleep on a sofa that that torture device the motel calls a bed, I don't think you fully grasp how bad this is likely to get Steven" she told him in a soft but serious voice
"the tremors?" he asked gravely
"they're going to get worse, a lot worse, you're going to feel like you're dying at certain points, you're going to hate me and do whatever you can to get out, you're going to probably get very sick for long stretches too which is why cleaning the toilet is vital" she told him with a small smile
"I don't like how dangerous this sounds for you jacks, what if I hurt you?" he asked worriedly
"I've been hurt before Steven, if I didn't think I could handle this I wouldn't do it this way, let me do the worrying you need all your focus to be on getting better because detox is only part of why I'm here, you married a stripper, you need to be tested Steven, there's some nasty stuff out there and she's a prime candidate for some of it" she told him reluctantly
"yeah…" he agreed heavily, god how had he let himself get to this point?! Detox and blood tests?! He never thought he'd be that guy, but the shaking in his hands and the hazy recollections of his time with Sam said that he most certainly was that guy now. He couldn't believe Jackie would even be in the same room with him much less care enough to help.
"you can stop thinking all that crap right about now Steven" she snapped at him firmly
"how did you?" he stared in awe at her wondering if maybe psychics weren't a bunch of crap after all?
"it isn't hard to figure out where you mind will go from point a to point b, don't forge that once upon a time I knew you better than anyone else ever has, I know how you're mind functions so its easy to know which direction it heads when you hear certain things" she explained pointedly
"its still kind of impressive though" he noted
"like I said, I'm smart" she threw out as a joke
"I already knew that actually" he reminded her with a grin, he knew that she'd skipped a grade before they met, just like he knew that she had done several of her classes as AP even in freshmen year, so she was probably further along than second year like shed said earlier.
"hey dumbass and Jackie, were going to take a break and go pick up some food for us all, any requests?" Red called from the living room area.
"Pizza?" Hyde called out helpfully
"good idea, toppings?"
Hyde looked at Jackie for her preference "mushrooms and olives" she yelled to red
"no meat?" Red asked surprised and a little offended
"makes me sleepy" Jackie replied offhandedly and went back to scrubbing
"Steven?" Red called again
"that's fine with me too" he called back and also resumed scrubbing, now that he'd found out how much time he was likely to spend up close with that particular toilet he had a vested interest in its state of cleanliness.
By the time Red and Kitty got back with the pizza, Jackie and Hyde were wiped out laying on the newly clean wood floor of the living room, all the windows were open to keep the paint smell from making them sick (it also helped it to dry) but the breeze wasn't helping either of them cooling down from how sweaty they'd gotten, but the bathroom was done! It would never be great, but it was almost white where it was supposed to be, and it was sanitary again.
They were victorious!
The only room left at all was the bedroom and since it had been in the best shape to begin with (the racoons were apparently very clean ones), there wasn't much left to do before Hyde had to suffer the indignity of furniture shopping.
"should I get a fold out couch?" he asked Jackie absently while he washed his hands beside her at the kitchen sink.
"those are always uncomfortable, the one I ordered will be fine" she replied
This made him raise a curious brow "you ordered a couch for my new apartment?" he asked carefully
"yep, and a table and a bed and a dresser and…lets just simplify and say everything, I ordered everything you might need, if you don't like any of it we can send it back, but I picked things I think you'll be happy with" she told him casually,
He found that he didn't actually mind that she'd chosen everything for his first place, if anyone else had he would have been righteously pissed, but she was probably right that he'd like what she'd picked.
"I'm glad you're here Jackie, I don't know if I've said that yet, but I'm so happy you're here" he told her in a low voice. Jackie turned to him with unshed tears in her eyes and threw her arms around him tightly.
"all these years I would have done anything, given anything to have you back Steven, nothing is too much if you're my friend again" she wept into his shirt.
"would you kill me if I said I was always your friend?" he asked a little choked up himself
"no" she hiccupped, and then kicked him sharply in the shin making him cry out "but I will kick you" she amended with a smirk.
Hyde stared wide eyed at her while he rubbed his stinging shin, then grinned widely at her "god I missed you" he told her warmly and threw an arm around her shoulder as they walked to join Red and Kitty with the pizza, he was only limping a little but that small pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt when he thought of losing Jackie from his life again.
It was true there were things that needed to be said, secrets brought to light and motivations made clear, he just wasn't sure he had the words to make her understand why he'd been the jerk he had? Actually scratch that – he KNEW he didn't have the words.
Because how do you tell someone the reason you broke their heart was because you were scared when you figured out you loved them more than just a friend?
Those were words he definitely didn't have.
"hey Jackie?" he called to her before she walked into the kitchen.
Turning with a curious expression that was so integral to her personality he didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry, she asked what?
"I…I" he swallowed hard "you mean the world to me" he finally forced out barely above a whisper.
The smile that lit up her face was the single sweetest thing he'd seen in his life.
"I love you too Steven" she replied softly and disappeared into the kitchen for lunch.
He shook his head in awe, she always knew what he really meant, and if she knew what he really meant maybe just maybe she would also know why he committed the grave sin of severing contact? But they weren't there yet, he had miles to go before he could rest – miles to go before he was himself again, today had been alright because he'd been distracted with work and the new feeling of her being back, tomorrow would be harder and he was scared of the dark that had to come before the dawn.
But he trusted that if there was a way back from what he'd become it was Jackie.
