Negan and I could only allow ourselves to be lost in one another for a short time. He had to focus on the fight ahead. I had to focus on keeping myself present. We showered, and he let me know that Eugene had been given his own outpost. He was tasked with making ammo, and he had help. Father Gabriel, partially blinded by a fever and aided in an escape attempt by the second Dr. Carson, who died in the attempt, was one of Eugene's new workers.
He kept the plans the Saviors had in store for Dad and my family quiet, secret from me, knowing that even if I understood that the fight had to go on, I still wanted no details. I wanted no one to think that I had plans to tattle to my dad. I wanted no reason for the people I was surrounded by to see me as a threat.
"Are you stayin' behind, Jessi?" He asked, dressing for battle. I was thinking of my options, as I dressed in one of his shirts and a pair of leggings. "You could stay close to me, but I can't say you'll be safe." I nodded. "If you stay here, I'll make sure you've got someone I trust with you."
Did I want to witness what was coming? Even if I didn't know the plans, did I want to see more blood? More death? More loss? "I'll stay here." I couldn't. Not after Carl. Not yet.
Negan nodded and pulled me into his arms. After a kiss, and another on my forehead, he pulled back slightly and stared down into my face. "Don't worry. Don't lose yourself, Jessi. Stay here, stay with me." I smiled and nodded up at him. "I'll come back to you, I swear it."
And then he was gone. Limbo again. Limbo and no distraction big enough to keep away my grief and that cold chill that was gaining purchase to warn me of more danger and loss to come.
When the knock came, I was confused. And I pushed the confusion by reminding myself that the guard he posted outside when he'd gone to Alexandria with Sasha he'd sent for me. Opening the door, I was greeted with the mustached Savior, Simon leaning casually against the door frame. He looked smug. He looked too carefree.
"Ah, there she is." He looked me up and down. "I've got a new room for you, princess." The term of endearment that Negan used for me sounded incredibly wrong and mocking coming from his mouth. And then his hand was gripping my arm so tightly that I knew I'd have bruises and he yanked me out of Negan's apartment. He talked the entire way to my 'new room' and the more he said, the more terror I felt building in my stomach. Terror and pain, and more grief and loss.
"Daddy dearest ran Negan off the road. And now, Negan's gone." I felt my throat tighten. A knot forming that hurt and burned. "I could use you to barter with daddy, but why would I want to do that? Not when I plan on killing every single one of YOUR people." I wondered if I was actually going to a 'room' or if he planned on killing me first. "I think I'll lock you up nice and tight, and then, when it's time, I'll make you watch." I felt my breath coming faster, trying to get air. "When you see each and every person you know die, and you're begging me to kill you, I'll leave you there. In the middle of their bodies, alone." Why? What had I done to this man? "I'M NEGAN." He muttered, and I knew. I'd done nothing. Nothing except returned to Negan. Nothing except showing him loyalty beyond even what Simon thought I'd shown my own family. And he couldn't have a viper in his new nest.
I don't spend much time in my new 'room'. A cell, maybe even Sasha's former cell, and the darkness is real. I can't tell how much time actually passes, but even trapped in the dark, forced to face the pain of the loss of Negan and Carl it could have gone on forever. I knew, however, when one of Simon's underlings came to fetch me it hadn't been long.
The cell was a taste, I think, as I'm yanked along the hallways toward Simon's convey. Clearly it's time to make his move. I don't speak as he practically tosses me into the vehicle. I won't give him the fucking time of day. This man, this thing seated next to me, talking to hear his own voice, is nothing compared to Negan. He's nothing compared to my dad. He's nothing compared to Daryl. And I hope, like I have never hoped before, that I get to see him die at the hands of someone I love.
I hear it when the cars are brought up short by a spike strip and flash back to Michonne's plan during the fight with the Governor. I nearly smile, but I have to force it down when I hear the walkie squawk to life. I hear Maggie's voice asking for Negan and my heart clenches. Both from hearing her sound so alive and powerful and from hearing Negan's name so casually spoken. She threatens to kill thirty-eight Savior prisoners unless Simon orders a retreat. His answer makes my blood run cold. He calls the prisoners 'damaged goods' and writes them off.
As they are getting prepared, I hear the roar of a motorcycle and know that Daryl is coming. And then the rapid fire of a machine gun and I have to laugh at the thought that I'll die at the hands of a man I loved. But the truck is moving, and I'm forced out to bear witness as the attack begins at a bus blocking the way. Bullets rain down from above, I am in the midst of chaos. The Saviors around me are firing arrows and I'm confused, how can they think they're killing my people if they can't SEE the targets.
And then in a flash I know. The arrows are tainted. They're going to leave me here, among people who aren't dead, not yet. That's what he meant. Simon must know enough about me to know that I'd figure it out. That's why he thinks I'd beg for death. He wasn't actually leaving me among the dead. He was leaving me among my people who blame or don't trust me, to watch and bear witness when they won't listen to my warnings of what was coming. He wanted to leave me here, with the prisoners he called 'damaged goods', to watch as my people die. Watch as they all die around me, impotent to stop it.
When they finally hear me, I know, it'll be too late. And I'll be left as meat for the beasts, beside those Saviors that Simon has deemed expendable. He turns to me and I see that he can tell that I've figured it out. His cosmic joke on me. On the woman Negan could trust to come back. One that WAS different from the wives. And one he wouldn't allow to live untouched because I wouldn't stay silent.
They breach the gate and wall. They swarm, and I'm left beside Simon, because he wants to hear me beg to die. His attention is diverted when I catch sight of Tara, and then I'm pulled along behind him as he hunts her. Eventually through push and shove and literal darkness, I'm alone. And then lights flare up and it's blinding and there's more gunfire and I hear revving engines and then nothing. I'm alone. Or at least alone among those who I thought knew me best.
